To feel like my child free friends want me to dislike having a child?

[doggydoggle]

Growing up, I observed that amongst my parents generation, there was a lot of jokes about husbands and wives disliking each other. This is often referred to as "boomer humour".

"The old ball and chain."

Jokes about his bald head and her fat bum.

It was all over birthday cards. It was all over tv and was generally part of every day conversation. Not to say that everyone actually felt that way but it felt like it was expected that they'd talk about each other that way.

I feel like my generation's (I'm in my 30s) equivalent to that is people joking about not liking their children. Parents often "jokingly" warn you "don't have kids". They do a sort of (either faux or real) jealousy when they hear about child free people going out to drinks as they have to be at home with a child. They constantly talk about needing wine to cope.

People without children often refer to children as smelly or gross or openly talk about how they could never cope with not having freedom.

I was child free for many years and I think it's great for people to be able to choose not to have children. I definitely don't think everyone should and it's obviously not the right thing for everyone. I believe people can be perfectly happy without children.

However I feel like a lot of people now seem to pity me for having a child and not being able to stay out late or make impromptu plans or "do whatever I want". Generally they talk about parenthood as being completely negative.

I confess that I felt this way before I had children. I definitely felt sorry for parents - thought they always looked stressed. Their lives didn't sound as fun. I thought mine seemed more fun - getting up when I want, not having responsibilities, being able to just think of myself.

The difference is that I didn't actually say this out loud to people with children!! As I knew it would be offensive to speak about their actual child who they loved as this horrible negative thing.

I've completely changed since having a child. I know that a lot of people will think it's for the worst but to me it feels like life is so much better now. Having a child is obviously hard sometimes but I love having him and I feel this complete and utter contentment and inner peace that I've craved my whole life. I have never been so at peace and happy ever before. I absolutely love being a mum and if I could go back in time I'd do it sooner and start sorting my life and finances out sooner so I could have had more.

I don't expect people to love or care about my child but I feel increasingly like having a child has almost become "uncool" amongst my (mostly childfree) peers. I'm constantly inundated with picture of peoples dogs. Everyone wants to meet these new dogs or see pictures or talk about and fuss over them. Sometimes they insist they love them as much as a parent loves their child (not in a joking 'fur baby' way either)

Any even mention of my child is at best smiled politely at before immediately changing the subject or worst I am told how they don't like children and sometimes they're called things like "crotch goblins". This is not in a loving jokey way.

Again I know nobody else owes me anything and has no reason to be interested in my child. I just feel it's weird that I'm expected to constantly talk about and look at pictures of dogs but if when giving an update about what's been happening with me I mention that my child learned to walk or talk or cartwheel, its boring and not an acceptable conversation.

When people find out I have a child they seem to feel sorry for me and want to brag about how they don't have one and their life is so easy.

I've tried making friends with mums at groups but I don't seem to have a lot in common with ones I've met and now I am back to working full time it is harder. A lot of people I meet through work, my interests etc tend to be childfree for whatever reason.

Tbh I like my friends, so I will intentionally show interest in their children, but it's because I care about my friends, not because I have any interest in the children. I couldn't care less about anyone else's.

But dogs...OMG! If you have a dog, I will want to meet him/her.

Op I'd look for some Saturday morning activities for your LO. Maybe not now as we are so close to summer but when things start up again in August / September.

It really does seem like you need a new friendship group. And it's certainly good to have friends with children who are a similar age.

The dog thing is so true! During the pandemic when we had to participate in tedious “team engagement” zoom calls, every new dog acquired was announced to the team at large, photos were shared and cooed over, the dog would be introduced on a call and its cute habits and development would be discussed. Those of us who were on our knees trying to keep up with work while looking after and home schooling our small children, and making time for the pointless team Zoom calls, were expected to ooh and ahh over the dogs while the owners told us how little sleep they were getting (ha!) and our children were kept out of sight and never spoken about!

😂😂

Oh I wasn’t saying you were rude, just that as in OP’s example, it seems to be ok to be dismissive of people’s interest in their children in a way you wouldn’t be dismissive of another interest.

Haha sadly I think it would be a bit rude to send him off to someone else, I’d happily send DP off to his friends when he starts talking about football though 😂

Wut? If they wanted children, they would have them.

I have one large friendship group (my closest and oldest friends) who are all very anti-children. They always have been. They see children as a complete annoyance and have no interest in my children.
To be honest, I just accept that this who they are and I don't let it bother me. I'm very happy with my life. They're very happy with their lives.
When I see them we just talk about other stuff. I feel I can revert to being the old me when I'm with them (not the sensible "mum" that I am now).
I do have other friends with kids though and I also have friends without kids who love children and make a fuss of mine. So I have people I can talk to about the trials and tribulations of raising a family.

Not wanting children for yourself I can I understand. But hating all children is really odd. Why ? Children are our society's future, with the way birthrates are falling around the world we should be grateful to anyone willingly reproducing. Just who do these child-haters think will be paying the taxes when they are drawing their pension ?

Sometimes people feel if you have a baby/ child you don’t realise you need a break and they want to help. My mum and friends all used to say ‘oh is dh going to take the dc while you do (insert thing I wanted the kids to see anyway😅)’ and I’d say ‘no I wanted to bring them’. Which is hilarious as growing up my mum used to roll her eyes at the people who said they couldn’t wait for their kids to be old enough to not be around all the time😅

I genuinely wouldn't know what to say if someone told me that

Really? You'd have no idea what to say if someone told you their child had learned to walk? No clue at all of something appropriate to respond with? It doesn't sound like you suffer with communication difficulties in general as you can talk for hours about other subjects so why, specifically, does one innane comment about a child throw you to the point of being speechless?

People often make comments or tell me things I have zero actual interest in. People in work or clients, talking about their new extension or their pets, that they're going to be a grandparent or about their visit to Germany last month or the bargain they found on their new shoes. But I'm not a rude, dismissive prick so rather than sneer I say...

Oh how lovely.
Oh that's beautiful, such a lucky find!
Wow, sounds fantastic.
Congratulations, you must be so excited.

It's really, really not difficult or unusual at all and happens to most people often.

However this post pretty clearly proves the op's point. Some people will go to absolute lengths to try and make a point about how below their notice children are. It's odd and I suspect is usually a mask for other things.

What?
Children don't always come to order. Infertility and secondary Infertility are hard things to deal with.
Then throw in women who could easily get pregnant but who's pregnancy would put too much strain on their own body putting their own life in danger.

And some people put Children off from financial reasons. MN is so judgemental about people who have children but can't afford nursery them.

Years ago when my kids were little I managed to scrape together enough money for a hair cut and style . General chitchat as usual, hairdresser asked if I had kids. I confirmed I had 2 little boys. Then she launched into a long diatribe about how she never wants kids, he hates them bla blah blah. It lasted for the entire duration of the hair styling and I was a captive audience. I serious have never heard anyone bang on about children in such a deranged manner, I actually found it quite sinister and disturbing 😳 After my haircut I politely paid and never went back

I think it's an age and demographic thing OP. I'm 45 and was the first of my university peers to have children (I was 24 when DD was born). My childless friends (all of them at that point!) were really supportive. Lots of them now have children, many don't. It's not something that's even really discussed.

I have noticed what you say with my younger colleagues. It must be very irritating!

This isn't my experience.

Admittedly most of my friends have children but a couple are child free.

When I was going through infertility I felt pitied by everyone for not having a child, I felt like I had to explain to to all the sympathetic faces why I didn't have any.

It just shows it can be both ways dependent on the circles you move in but I feel like society in general pities people without children.

Hrtft... But these people are really rude and I hope they never say that stuff in front of your child!

Agree with pp that coo-ing over someone's dog but pouring scorn on your child is really shitty.

I get where you're coming from though, I came across this attitude a lot pre-kids, I wouldn't tolerate it in friends now though, if it's said in humour, I'd accept it if only occasional and so long as it stayed on the right side of funny (so context dependant, kids not old enough to understand not hearing etc).

What you're describing is relentless unfunny disparaging remarks and I absolutely wouldn't tolerate such a judgemental attitude in my friends on any topic, let alone my life choices. There were a couple of people in my life like this pre-kids, they are long gone now.. I pushed them off and let them go... Ironically the worst culprit is now a devoted aunty by all accounts but I don't care because she said some really awful things and I want nothing to do with her.

Agree with PPs you need to start taking your child along to groups/activities and make some "mum" (or Dad) friends.

I don't know how old your DC is but most people make new friends through baby groups, nursery, school. That way you can socialise with your child in tow as everyone is in the same boat. It's also really helps to have a group of friends you can call on for help in an emergency eg. to take your child to school if you are ill etc

But that’s like saying everyone should sing the praises and be perpetually grateful of everyone.
As if people constantly way up the pros and cons of everyone’s existence.

People hate the rain, but we can’t survive without it.

But if they were brainwashed, they wouldn't be miserable like you claim.

Believe it or not, not every woman gets that urge to have children. It's just not there. But many will go on to have children anyway because it's the "normal" thing to do. The ones who don't have children are the ones who listen to their own (lack of) urges. And why would they be alone? Can they not still have partners? Friends? Other family? Children aren't there to cure your loneliness.

This is just damn offensive.

I'm childless by choice and my dogs are indeed family to me, i feel lucky to have such a close relationship with them that I consider that relationship to be of family category. They're definitely also dogs not children, and I'm quite sure that I'm not a crap dog owner by any objective means. I also know a lot of dog owners who consider their dogs to be family, who do and don't have children, and all of them are decent enough dog owners. I'm sure you are too.

Imagine if a child free person were to make such sweeping statements about people with children being crap dog owners because they can't possibly have enough time for their dog and they must all be putting their dogs in danger from their toddlers grabbing and yanking ears and tails. That's how insulting it is when somebody generalises.

She's talking about the women who choose to be childfree. The "brainwashed" ones.

Of course most child free people I know are NOT like this but some definitely are. I think they’re jealous, personally - they didn’t have the guts to go through with it so now need to convince themselves being a parent is awful anyway.

well that’s a new one for the childfree bingo card - childfree people are cowards.

@Grimchmas Sorry, but no. They’re just dogs.

They’re not your family, or your furbabies, they’re just dogs, and the love for them is not comparable to that of a child.

Same here. My best friends children are important to me because they are part of her. I love them (though they drive me mad!) but wouldn’t genuinely choose to have anything to do with children otherwise.

My friend has changed since having them though. She’s a lot more serious now and far less fun, which is sad but perhaps inevitable. I think her husband might be partly to blame for that as he’s a serious sort.

Dogs however, I am obsessed with!