To feel like my child free friends want me to dislike having a child?

[doggydoggle]

Growing up, I observed that amongst my parents generation, there was a lot of jokes about husbands and wives disliking each other. This is often referred to as "boomer humour".

"The old ball and chain."

Jokes about his bald head and her fat bum.

It was all over birthday cards. It was all over tv and was generally part of every day conversation. Not to say that everyone actually felt that way but it felt like it was expected that they'd talk about each other that way.

I feel like my generation's (I'm in my 30s) equivalent to that is people joking about not liking their children. Parents often "jokingly" warn you "don't have kids". They do a sort of (either faux or real) jealousy when they hear about child free people going out to drinks as they have to be at home with a child. They constantly talk about needing wine to cope.

People without children often refer to children as smelly or gross or openly talk about how they could never cope with not having freedom.

I was child free for many years and I think it's great for people to be able to choose not to have children. I definitely don't think everyone should and it's obviously not the right thing for everyone. I believe people can be perfectly happy without children.

However I feel like a lot of people now seem to pity me for having a child and not being able to stay out late or make impromptu plans or "do whatever I want". Generally they talk about parenthood as being completely negative.

I confess that I felt this way before I had children. I definitely felt sorry for parents - thought they always looked stressed. Their lives didn't sound as fun. I thought mine seemed more fun - getting up when I want, not having responsibilities, being able to just think of myself.

The difference is that I didn't actually say this out loud to people with children!! As I knew it would be offensive to speak about their actual child who they loved as this horrible negative thing.

I've completely changed since having a child. I know that a lot of people will think it's for the worst but to me it feels like life is so much better now. Having a child is obviously hard sometimes but I love having him and I feel this complete and utter contentment and inner peace that I've craved my whole life. I have never been so at peace and happy ever before. I absolutely love being a mum and if I could go back in time I'd do it sooner and start sorting my life and finances out sooner so I could have had more.

I don't expect people to love or care about my child but I feel increasingly like having a child has almost become "uncool" amongst my (mostly childfree) peers. I'm constantly inundated with picture of peoples dogs. Everyone wants to meet these new dogs or see pictures or talk about and fuss over them. Sometimes they insist they love them as much as a parent loves their child (not in a joking 'fur baby' way either)

Any even mention of my child is at best smiled politely at before immediately changing the subject or worst I am told how they don't like children and sometimes they're called things like "crotch goblins". This is not in a loving jokey way.

Again I know nobody else owes me anything and has no reason to be interested in my child. I just feel it's weird that I'm expected to constantly talk about and look at pictures of dogs but if when giving an update about what's been happening with me I mention that my child learned to walk or talk or cartwheel, its boring and not an acceptable conversation.

When people find out I have a child they seem to feel sorry for me and want to brag about how they don't have one and their life is so easy.

I've tried making friends with mums at groups but I don't seem to have a lot in common with ones I've met and now I am back to working full time it is harder. A lot of people I meet through work, my interests etc tend to be childfree for whatever reason.

Haha, no way.

As I said, I have zero desire to convince anyone that kids are huge fun. Each to their own

If I made polite comments then changed the subject several times then yes, I would be blunt and say I'm not interested in military history so can we talk about something else.

Before I had a child I used to feel sorry for my friends with kids because they could rarely come out drinking. Now I have a child I realise that they probably could, they just didn't want to 😂

But that’s not what we’re talking about here? We’re talking about instances where people immediately make shitty comments about kids for no reason, not because their parents have been harping on about them but because they just exist and the people in question don’t like kids. It’s rude.

The history was just an example that most normal people wouldn’t be immediately rude about any other interest. I’m not talking about people who talk endlessly about their children and refuse to change the subject.

The reason why the narrative exists is that it’s true for so many people. I’ve had the exact opposite experience to you.

Same 🤣

You might be talking about people making comments for no reason but I'm talking about the OP's situation, which is that she keeps bringing up her child with people who aren't interested.

Any even mention of my child is at best smiled politely at before immediately changing the subject or worst I am told how they don't like children and sometimes they're called things like "crotch goblins".

when giving an update about what's been happening with me I mention that my child learned to walk or talk or cartwheel, its boring and not an acceptable conversation.

I was worried I was being entitled expecting people to be interested.

This isn't about comments out of the blue.

To be clear, I'm not constantly talking about my child when we meet up. I'm mentioning him sometimes. I'm in no way constantly speaking about him all day while they try to change the subject. I'm probably talking about him a tenth of how much they're talking about their dogs.

In your military history example, I assumed you meant that you'd say something if someone repeatedly kept bringing it up all in one session. Like they were constantly bringing the conversation back to that.

Now it sounds like you mean they only get a set number of chances overall (no matter how long you know them) before you ask for it to never be mentioned again.

Which I guess is helpful because if you put it like that it's clear that it's not a friendship I can maintain if I'm expected to never ever mention my child again as if they don't exist.

Nothing to suggest she’s going on and on, more that it’s come up in convo “what have you been up to?” “Oh not much, C has learnt to walk though, keeping me on my toes!” “I don’t like children, little crotch goblins”, is how I’ve read it based on her saying any mention not when I talk to them about it etc.
Obviously she could be going on and on about them (still don’t think crotch goblin is acceptable to be fair haha) but maybe I’m misreading it but that’s not how it reads to me 🤷🏼‍♀️ it reads like a complete lack of tolerance to any mention of children even in passing which would be immediately deemed unacceptable in relation to most other topics.
Like I said though, I’ve experience of it myself (and I know for a fact I don’t talk about them unless someone asks me) so maybe I’m projecting!

@Nottodaythankyou123 yes exactly. That's what I mean. Im not droning on for hours. Im speaking about him in passing as part of my life and it's immediate negative comments.

I understand a lot of people won't believe me and will assume I never shut up about him but it's the case in any thread that you can only really comment on the situation as the OP says it is. I don't really know how I can prove anything I'm saying.

I don't think you're lying, though your perception might be different from your friends' (like in studies where women speak 50% of the time in a meeting and male attendees estimate women have spoken 80% of the time).

But I don't see how it matters - your options are the same:

1. Make new friends who don't mind hearing about your child as much as you wish to talk about him
2. Stop mentioning him with these friends
3. Keep mentioning him with these friends and put up with their comments

I think the majority of commenters here are being harsh on you... I am also in my early 30s and I know exactly what you mean. I would wager you live in London, as I feel here for some reason it has become uncool to become a mother. I never hear anyone with kids talk about how great it is, or about good births, or positive parenting experiences at all. It is as if its not allowed any more. I don't have an answer, but I wonder if they are your best friends, if they would be receptive to you speaking to them about it one to one? Obviously its easy for everyone to say "get new friends", but the reality of that is so daunting and lonely. I wouldn't sever your existing friendships, but maybe start to hang out in places other toddlers and parents hang out and try to meet some other mothers.
Good luck to you x

I think this is a really good point actually. I do feel like extreme opinions are becoming normalised and there's this sense that everyone is looking for their tribe who feels the same way. I do wonder if it's a big part of it. Thank you.

I could have written this myself! I was been surprised to find that I'd incorrectly assumed a lot of things for all that time.

Your friends sound quite insufferable and boring going on about their dogs and being totally uninterested in your experience with your DC.

Can you sign up for a new activity where you come into contact with other parents?

I will note that I've never disliked children. I've always worked with children and enjoyed their company, I just adamantly did not want any of my own.

I did think life with children sounded boring and parents were missing out (again I did not say this to people nor did I insult their children!) but I didn't dislike children.

I suppose I'm struggling to empathise with people who actively dislike all children as I feel like they're all so different to each other and they're just like us but younger.

I find it hard to imagine how an 18 month old could possibly appear manipulative - they still look like babies at that point, and the PPs 18 month old who plays the little games sounds adorable.

I always found children cute, and liked a lot of them, I just didn't want them myself and thought life looking after them seemed hard and boring.

I never struggled to make polite conversation and wouldn't have found it weird for a parent to mention their child in passing.

I was definitely being judgemental - thinking that my life of going out and "being free" was objectively so much happier than theirs just because that's what I personally enjoyed. But I didn't think unkind thoughts about their children as people.

Perhaps it's harder if you really dislike children to tolerate any conversation about them. I do feel weird about the thought that my friends may personally dislike my child with the intensity that some have spoken about on here.