Why don't women with kids force the dads to have them 50% of time?

[DontCheetoTheCheetah]

Disclaimer: I dont have kids and dont want them so prepared to accept my POV might be odd but...

...Just read a thread where a woman was talking about disputing maintenance costs with her ex and mentioned he never has his kids overnight, adding that its his choice.

Why wouldn't you just force them to have their kids? Im think if I were a mum I'd quite like to have half my time to just chill and have some downtime without my children? Or is it that when you have kids you cant bear to be wthout them?

Yeah it’s a fantastic bloody idea to force someone to look after their children when they have refused to.

This - if they were reluctant to have the child they'll likely:

• ignore them
• feed them crap
• not meet basic needs like providing clean school uniform etc.

Again, most mothers are not willing to impose this neglect on their DC and will take the burden themselves rather than their children suffer.

Very rare nowadays. House is usually sold and the proceeds split. Even the courts don't like issuing mesher orders.

Dear friends ex has their child 40% of the time, but during ‘his’ time he refuses to take her to any activities, any birthdays or friends houses, to anything at school outside of school hours - no sports tournaments, concerts etc even though she is in a team and the orchestra, doesn’t make her do homework, doesn’t wash her clothes or uniform, and quite often doesn’t send her back with things she needs ( that they only have one of) to her mums - like flute or PE kit, school shoes or blazer.
Oh, and he won’t sign any permission slips etc either. or respond to anything the schools sends out.

It has had the effect of making said child quite independent I suppose, and the school is now aware after the child missed some key events- but perhaps sometimes it’s better not to have a selfish parent involved.

You are being naive and quite ridiculous. I divorced 4 years ago. My ex husband saw our children occasionally for a few years. Hasn't seen them at all in 12 months and doesn't pay a penny maintenance. ( He is self employed and doesn't declare tax, there is nothing I can do- ive tried!!) Our children are 15 and 13.

This Prince of a father WANTED to have his kid too… friend has suggested child spend more time with her but on principle he does the opposite of anything his ex says

This!

OP there is no way to currently “force” it legally

Even if the law was changed fathers who were doing so against their will, might provide substandard care

Yes, it is outrageous

Some men literally leave the country, so the law here cannot make them.

Well, let's think it through.

Imagine that a couple get divorced. The court orders 50:50 custody. Let's imagine that the man doesn't want custody at all.

So what could the enforcement actions be:

He could be fined for not sticking to the order. Many men these days will go self employed or change jobs or quit their jobs to avoid paying child maintainance. If someone has no income then court fines are usually payable at either five pounds or one pound a week. Net deterrent: zero. Easily evaded.

Like in America, his passport could be taken away. secureapp.dhs.state.ia.us/customerweb/resources/Enforcement/Passport%20Sanctions#:~:text=The%20hold%20is%20called%20a,application%20for%20a%20new%20passport
This would realistically only deter men who really do need to travel internationally further job. If someone has already given up their job or gone self employed to avoid having or paying for their children then not travelling abroad isn't going to be much of a deterrent.

Realistically, the courts would very soon have thousands if not tens of thousands of these cases. They already have years long delays for many cases so for most men that didn't want to have custody it would be a case of no action for two years and then maybe a fine they could pay off at 5 pounds a month.

Many of the men who refuse to pay child maintenance etc hate their ex- partners and extend that hate to their children. They do not see it as their responsibility and there are so so many of them that the courts can't change this.

Then, let's assume that the courts could enforce this. In the same way that there didn't used to be divorce. The alternative to divorce is murder or domestic abuse. Stick with a wife and kids you hate? Not allowed to split and never see them again? Many men would take out their frustrations physically. Kids would die.

I've seen this sort of comment so much on here but is it ever really that easy? My husband did take his manipulative, controlling ex-wife to court for 50/50 and it got thrown out. Court refused to grant an order, ex-wife feels galvanised and situation is now worse than ever. There are fathers up and down the country fighting for (more) access to their children.

Not IME.

they won’t force a house sale if the proceeds won’t fund a suitable home for the children.

they will simply award an affordable share of the house to the parent remaining, as like you say they don’t like meshed orders. Especially when there’s a new man living there.

my brother had a 3 bed in the SE. When his ex kicked him out (her affair) there was no way the house could be sold and split without leaving both of them unable to buy another property.

the courts deemed she could afford to increase the mortgage by 20k. So that’s what he got. Out of 200k equity. Not enough even for a deposit anywhere else. So he’s on his parents couch, can’t afford a rental nearby (2 bed flat 1.5k/month), and the kids simply have nowhere to stay.

I like the area of arresting the slacking parent. Not within a criminal system, but as a social care system, so no criminal record involved (at least at the beginning).

That way it would be clear where to find them so the children could be delivered to them for their half of the time. And the social workers would poke them with a stick to force them to wash the uniform in time and cook a meal from scratch.
If the parent behaved well, they would be allowed out for a school run.

It would need some kind of new nice fancy jail, so the children wouldn't mix with aggressive criminals, but the main concept have some merit.

I don’t want to be that poster, but someone close to me has had to spend tens of thousands going through the courts to have his child 50% of the time rather than being a weekend dad. He bloody adores the kid, he has positive reports from school, from the endless parade of professionals that have been drafted in at his expense, and she doesn’t have a single robust argument for why t shouldn’t be 50/50- she’s just using the poor child as a weapon because she’s awful. Our family law system makes it too easy for bullies with deep pockets to get what they want, or at least to be difficult and obstructive.

I mean that's not the same. The travel agent doesn't have any moral obligation towards your holiday-having. Whereas fathers have a moral obligation towards their own children's welfare being literal flesh and blood.

However I do agree that legally if one parent doesn't want to do 50/50 or even see the child at all there is no legal obligation on them to do so.

It's the kids' needs and welfare that matter and forcing an unwilling parent to look after them is not likely to be good for them.

Same. When together brother was the main parent- self employed so he did school runs, bedtime etc. worked while they were at school and after bed.

he actually got a solicitor to fight for RP. He was told he could try, but it would cost ££££££ and no court would take RP away from a mother unless she was neglectful. As in properly neglectful to the point of having the kids removed by SS.

i do think there are some men who are exhausted from the fighting, have run out of money for legal fees, and know it’s not great for the children to have their parents fighting constantly. Plus they know even if they is a court order and she breaks it it’s unlikely anything will happen.

Some also decide to just do what the ex wants out of fear they’ll be cut out of their children’s lives completely.

How? Dump the kids on the doorstep and leg it back to the car and drive away? And then what? Risk the child being neglected and traumatised if daddy tells them to go away?

Seriously relieved when you say you don’t have children.

Yep! Though not convinced this one’s over the age of 18.

I’m just repeating what other posters have said but I’d rather have no free time and know that my children were in a happy environment, than have free time and send them off to someone who has to be ‘forced’ to see them.

Does that make you feel good about yourself?

Doubt OP will be back!

Oh, there she is!

@DontCheetoTheCheetah don't run for PM, I current one is bad enough, but with your ideas I'm not sure anyone would survive!

You know, this is actually quite sensible.

I think 50-50 must be fucking awful for kids. I wouldn't like having to gather up all of my clothes, books, study materials and things and shift from pillar to post across the week, for years on end, with no one place, home, sets of rules or people in it more my home than another. And I wouldn't like to have access to my friends from only one home.

Some kids might be more resilient than others in getting passed like a hot potato, while each parent makes sure that they are no more or less responsible for you than the other.

It might suit parents just fine but I think it is a gross unkindness to children.

🤣🤣🤣This thread is comedy gold. A woman divorces her husband because he is a rubbish husband/father/provider/all three. To her amazement he doesn't turn into the perfect co-parent post-divorce, much as she tries to force him to turn up on time/at all, engage with the kids, be an adult. So she goes to the police, gets him prosecuted and clapped into a full-to-bursting jail.
I'm laughing so hard I can't eat my lunch. 🤣🤣🤣

How do I do that? He says he can't collect her from school as he is at work. I can't drop her to his house because the door is locked (because he is at work). I can't drop her to his job because I don't know where he works. I suppose I could just not be here when he came to return her after his EOW but how the fuck would she feel if she thought I didn't want her back? Also if I did that he guaranteed wouldn't pick her up for his next contact time!