Why don't women with kids force the dads to have them 50% of time?

[DontCheetoTheCheetah]

Disclaimer: I dont have kids and dont want them so prepared to accept my POV might be odd but...

...Just read a thread where a woman was talking about disputing maintenance costs with her ex and mentioned he never has his kids overnight, adding that its his choice.

Why wouldn't you just force them to have their kids? Im think if I were a mum I'd quite like to have half my time to just chill and have some downtime without my children? Or is it that when you have kids you cant bear to be wthout them?

I do understand the position you're asking from OP and I don't think you're being goady. Naive, sadly, but not goady.

The problem is that, when you have children, it's not just about providing basic care for their physical needs and its also about caring for their welfare.

You say you'd imagine that you'd like time to yourself and it's quite possible that that would be the case. But any drive you have to have time to yourself would be overriden with the guilt of knowing that it was at the expense of your children's welfare and happiness.

Even if the absent father isn't abusive and is just a common or garden lazy bastard, you would feel incredibly guilty eg going away for the weekend knowing that your child/ren were sat in the house again in front of the telly, being fed crap food, missing their mum, not being able to go to birthday parties because he couldn't be bothered taking them or not taking them to much loved activities because he couldn't get up in time on a Saturday because he was tired.

Eventually, it would become just easier to do it yourself and you'd have that deep seated contentment at knowing your children - innocent people you'd brought into the world - were ok.

I agree that it should be far less socially, morally, legally (?) acceptable to relinquish your responsibility the way many fathers do. I also think it would be less likely to happen if they played a more active role in their children's lives. Shared parental leave was introduced to, in part, facilitate this I believe.

But, as it stands, there is no legal requirement for a parent to play an active role in their children's lives. So there is no mechanism to 'force' it.

I absolutely agree that if the Dad can't behave properly he should forfeit his access rights; though being horrible may be Dad's unsubtle way of saying he doesn't want the responsibility of seeing them. He should still have to pay maintenance though. In my case it is the new Mrs Dad who is being horrible.

I've never seen so much stupid in one thread.

I think we all would agree that in a perfect world the dads would take responsibility properly and safely for their children and that would be the right thing to do. And if not they'd be forced to do so financially at least and pay for after school care or whatever half the week to let the mum hold down a job.

Sadly it's not a perfect world. So the deadbeats and disneys will continue to get away with it. Bastards.

I'd like stronger financial arrangements made by csa and for them to be adequately staffed with experienced team members who could sort things out.

But political parties don't want to spend money employing any more civil servants because The Sun etc say there are too many and rile readers up to believe it.

Actually we need more officials to catch corporations tax evading and help disabled claim benefits and sort out deadbeats trying to fleece everyone that they only earn a pittance as a taxi driver and can't pay for their kids. Yeah right mate, sure you do. That Rolex on your arm and the two luxury holiday you take your new gf on (while not paying maintenance to your first wife fir your kids) tells another story....

Because it just isn’t that fucking simple. If it was the absent dad problem would evaporate overnight.

My DD’s dad hasn’t had her overnight since she was five (she’s now 13). He has lived in a series of shared houses without adequate space for a child to sleep and not all the other people living there are known to him. He now lives on his own over 40 miles away.

How, in either of those scenarios, would it benefit either me or my DD to tip up with her and just dump her with him?

If you can’t understand the complexity around this and lack the imagination to see how it could work, you frankly should keep your views to yourself.

The type of men who would actively want at least 50% and are also a great dad who is involved with every aspect of their child's care to a good standard are probably not often the ones being divorced!

You can't force a non resident parent to have their children if they don't want them, that would increase the risk of harm and neglect to the child.

I do agree though, that not paying child maintenance should be a criminal offence.

If you can’t understand the complexity around this and lack the imagination to see how it could work, you frankly should keep your views to yourself.

Tbh, I imagine the OP isn't the only person who wonders this.

Without experience of having children or being in that situation, it's hard for many to comprehend it.

I think it's a valid conversation to have and it's only through discussion that things are ever likely to change or people will understand the inequalities that arise once women have children.

Report to who? What do you think would happen?

Because forcing your kids on a man who isn't interested isn't in their best interests.

Imagine how sad and miserable they'd be not with possibly not being looked after properly or nurtured.

Having to endure weekends with someone they know doesn't want them there, not a chance I'd do that.

ROFL...

Also, you know kids are human beings right? Not some hot potato you chuck to an uninterested parent because you want a day off

Why the fuck would you leave your child with someone who didn't care about them?

Force them !! And how would that work exactly?

My ex refuses to collect ds. Was I supposed to dump 3yo ds on the doorstep and drive away? Ex would have gone away for the weekend.

There was one day when I could not get to school on time when they had to close at mid-day in an emergency. I was 60 miles away so having said I was on my way but would be an hour, they rang his dad. He told them to ring me, and hung up on them.

Another time, years later, when ds hurt himself playing rugby and they rang his dad first, he said 'it's not my problem, ring his mum' and hung up.

On a couple of occasions when ex has turned up, I could smell the alcohol oozing from his pores. No way was I letting DS get in a car with him.

So many men, literally don't give a toss. Or they are selfish, irresponsible and stupid beyond comprehension. Not fit to have care of a cat, never mind another human being.

I would want my children to be properly cared for and loved and enjoy their time with dad. If that is not the case then for the sake of my children I would keep contact to minimum. Mum taking them round and forcing dad to have them will make them feel really unwanted and unloved so would not be an option.

As for reporting neglect the dad could be doing bare minimum ie fed junk, screen time and kept out of the way. Which is not what i would want but not likely to he anything social services could deal with. And even if the children were removed for neglect what then? Foster care/children's home for dad's time? Of course not they would go to mum.

Love it when someone without kids or a single parent has all the answers.
My ex didn't see my daughter until he could be arsed. I did everything I could to facilitate contact. My current partner even made meals for her to take so 'I don't have anything to feed her' could not be an excuse.
Then when daughter decided enough was enough and she didn't want to see him he was so hurt he took his own life.

Wish I had someone like you around to tell me to 'just force contact' I would have saved lots of my daughters tears over the years

Then he needs to go to court and get an access order.

And when he’s spent £££ on that if she simply doesn’t comply?

because that’s what happens.

Absurd. I would expect 50/50 because DH loves our DC. But absolutely I would not prefer it. Why the fuck would I want half terms alone? I had children because I wanted to be with my children. I'd encourage 50/50 for children's benefit, not my own.

He goes back to court, no need for a solicitor. She will be required to make his dcs available to him or be in contempt of court and face penalties.

I wouldn't let money stop me seeing my ds, no matter what it took.

Like everything in life. Just because it is the right thing to do, does not mean you can force another person to do.

Should the dad want to have at least a reasonable share of time with his child, not necessarily 50/50 but every 2nd weekend. YES. Can you force him to, no.

Should you want to visit your elderly sick gran in hospital (assuming no abuse before some one says it) yes. But you can't force someone to.

I understand how it looks so easy - if you are used to dealing with responsible, civilised adults you would of course assume that they would care for their children 50:50. It's only when you've been married to a selfish/workaholic/unfaithful/abusive person that you realise what's really involved in 'forcing' someone to take equal care of their children.

I would have loved my ex to have had his children 50:50 instead of decamping to the other end of the country and only seeing them once a year (also incidentally whilst not paying a penny towards their care). But that would have presumed that he wanted to. He didn't, so he didn't, and I brought up five children with no money and no support. Forcing him to have them would have done nobody any favours - except possibly me, and I wouldn't have been able to have much of a life because I would have spent my 50% of the time picking up the pieces from the 50% that he had them.

You can't.
The dads are often assholes anyway and the dc's will suffer. Personally I don't think 50/50 is good for kids, better foe the kids to stay and the parents to move back and forth.

Force the children to go somewhere with someone who isn’t interested enough to have them for a night or 2? Can you not see how miserable that could be for the children? Yeh it might be nice for the mum to have a few nights off but not at the expense of your children’s happiness and wellbeing

It isn't possible to mandate a person to parent. You ready are not great in applying critical thinking skills.