Why don't women with kids force the dads to have them 50% of time?

[DontCheetoTheCheetah]

Disclaimer: I dont have kids and dont want them so prepared to accept my POV might be odd but...

...Just read a thread where a woman was talking about disputing maintenance costs with her ex and mentioned he never has his kids overnight, adding that its his choice.

Why wouldn't you just force them to have their kids? Im think if I were a mum I'd quite like to have half my time to just chill and have some downtime without my children? Or is it that when you have kids you cant bear to be wthout them?

Well, I mean I do actually have a key for my ex’s house for emergencies. But I’m not planning to let myself in and leave the kids whilst he’s off working at the other end of the country!! His work patterns selfishly don’t make for child appropriate timings for us. He works weekends. Has 3 kids (2 are mine one is a more recent ex’s) at 2 schools in 2 counties so would not manage to get them all to school in the week when he’s at home. That would also mean ferrying them to and from activities as well. When there little they did more 50:50 but he lived closer and with the other child and mother. He basically works weekends. They are also now old enough to make choices and have defined some random offers of going to his now as they have friends and routines at mine and not there.

Also most mothers are prepared to do anything for their kids. Change their jobs. Give up their jobs. Change their working patterns. Men don’t seem that way inclined. Kids are further down their pecking order.

No point in flogging a dead horse.

So would you liked to be forced to spend 50% of your time with your deadbeat dad who doesn’t want to see you?

I'm confused as to why you've quoted me as it doesn't make sense with regard to what I said?

But yes I agree as I was a lone parent for many years. Lots of men claim to want 50/50 but sadly it's just a load of hot air to keep up the pretence.

It's not only dad's not wanting to look after their children..there are lots of fathers out there looking after their children whilst the mother has taken off and left her child/children.. so it's a two way street..not all dad's deserve to be slated ..as not all mothers do either..I know first hand..!!

My son-in-law’s mother did exactly that. Not because their father didn’t want them but because she didn’t. He had remarried and was working out of town. She took them to his new home, rang the bell and walked away. The youngest was 2.

What are you even on about OP?

if the dad doesn't want the kids I can't see how forcing them would be good for the kids and tbh if I split up with my DH I'd want the child as much as possibke

Some fathers, like my DH, would love nothing more than to have his child 50/50… but, sometimes, you have to consider what’s best for the child. In our case a settled base for schooling during the week right here and now is what has been agreed for his benefit.

That being said we are all acutely aware there are some men (and/or some women) who want nothing to do with their child at all and it’s not like you could drop them on a doorstep and just leave them there 🤷🏻‍♀️ and there are some parents it’s simply not safe for children to be around.

Like everything in life, situations differ from family to family.

My ex can’t look after himself never mind look after the kids and when he does bother his arse to come see them he’s in for 10 minutes tops and spends the time talking to me when I have zero interest in what he’s got to tell me, yeah defo not leaving my kids with him and if I did I’d probably have to pay him lol

You're not being unreasonable but views get distorted during break ups.

1. It's usually mum who is dumped. She's the reliable family-focussed one. Dad has become this feckless, irresposible one who is thinking of his dick before any considerations of children.

2. The break up of the family and stability and routines. And dad is usually keen for the kids to know and love the new person he's met. (Men are generally shite at trying to look at things through a child's eyes).

3. The sense of betrayal to both wife and children. Once trust is lost, it's lost.

4. The financial imbalance. Dad is usually the higher income earner, because mum is the primary children care taker. And he can afford to take kids out on treats without responsibility or boundaries.

So mums are generally more invested in their children.

But I completely agree with you.

Hint. I know a woman who is a very close friend. She was pursued through the courts three times by ex-partner, not huband. Everytime a court contact agreement was made that provided for up until the age of 18, he started a new court case.

The general approach of the courts is, what mum wants, what dad wants, find an agreement in the middle.

It becomes less funny the third time around. When twice an agreement has been made until the age of 18.

This time (I kid you not) she gave him everything he asked for. Every other weekend year round - not just in term time. Holiday time increased - and in effect 50% parenting.

He lasted less than a year with a 4 year old child, then he took off and vanished from contact altogether. But then he was a control freak more than a doting dad.

So I agree with you.

Not just from the fact it benefits mum, but also from the fact it seriously impinges on newly liberated husband having to take 50% responsibilty for childcare - especially at weekends.

But someone is always worrying about the kids and what they're coping with seeing dad kissing and cuddling someone else - and it's usually mum.

I wish I could force my Ex... He has for one night a week but works out 7 waking hours. I would love him to have more but he won't

The problem with forcing disinterested and disengaged men to have their children 50-50 is the low quality parenting that would result. I would rather have my children 100% of the time, always, but even more so if the alternative was them being shoved in front of screens or left to fend for themselves with an inadequate father who didn’t want them there in the first place.

Are you bored and mucking about on your mum's laptop/phone?
My grand-daughter has greater critical thinking and social awareness...but would, I suspect, have exactly the same righteously irate tone because she is 12.

I urge them to contact Fathers for Justice. The family legal system is good for doing nothing but lining its own pockets. These guys are very forceful in their approach, but, they are doing the right thing to have it recognised that, where both parents are brilliant engaged individuals, fathers are an important part of their children’s lives and development. They were very straight down the line with my DH when he called for advice in the early stages of things (SS was 1.5 years old) it bolstered his confidence and supported him to make his ex see sense in working together for the greater good and, whilst nothing will ever be perfect, they have a workable communicative relationship now around SS12, although he’s getting to an age now where it’s going to be somewhat irrelevant moving forward and he can move forward confident that both his parents love and care for him and will always be there and support him.

My son went to his dad's every other weekend which worked well. We shared the school holidays too. 50% would have been much too complicated for us.

As a mother who has ‘forced’ the father to look after their child plenty of times. Yes sometimes even dropped him off on the doorstep and said I’d be back xyz. I did this as my son always compares himself to his peers and asks for his dad I also didn’t want the dad to have an excuse ‘she doesn’t let me see him’ ‘she doesn’t let me see him, why should I pay for his upkeep’ . Narcissistic men like this always find some way to spread lies to try and fit their narrative. Friends and family have gotten tired of even dealing with this ‘father’ and you also get tired off the other partner being verbally abusive, too lazy to bring the child back to your house and wanting them to be collected and even telling your own mother ‘I don’t know why she brings him here tbh’
you can block them go no contact and somehow they will let months pass then either contact you to see their child or ask one of their flying monkeys and you get guilt tripped into saying NO all over again. It’s tiring and not good for anyone’s mental health. I think that’s a few reasons

I agree with you op I would have loved 50/50 it would have been my ideal contact! Why shouldn't my ex have our kids 50% of the time they are his kids too, I got someone on MN say to me "so you only want to see your kids 50% of the time" 🙄 I didn't create them alone why should I parent them alone. But sadly you can't "force" an unwilling father to have their children if they don't want to. My ex has never even had our kids overnight no court can force this.

I think you should stand for election

Thankfully not in this situation but if I was I wouldn't want to send my children somewhere they are not wanted.

You'd be surprised. My ex isn't involved and most single mums tell me how lucky I am to get them to myself as they hate "sharing" their kids.

Lots??? Lots of dads looking after kids abandoned by mums? This is just not true, try looking around you realistically, relative to men who leave their kids there is a very small percentage of women who abandon their children. This is a statistical fact. There is far less acceptance of women leaving their kids for a start, try as a woman explaining to your family and friends that your life, job, need for a new partner legitimised you not seeing your kids. A female would find herself demonised for this. On the other hand, there are lots of people willing to act as apologists for absent dads.

So you want to send Dads who won't have their kids 50% of the time to prison?
And this helps the kids how?
Instead of seeing their father EOW and maybe an evening midweek they see him once in a while when visiting orders can be sorted.
Instead of knowing their father in a normal situation it is in prison.
And instead of getting a reasonable amount of maintenance their mothers are reliant on benefits.

And prison costs the state a lot. And the prisons are full of far more important cases. Nevermind the court system grinding to a halt etc.

That I wish that was possible! But you are only allowed to be charged with neglect if you are the primary care-giver.

I think in terms of context as you mentioned you don't have children nor want them..

Imagine whoever you are closest in the world to, someone where you feel their pain and try to help them whenever there is an issue, instinctively support them and would put yourself through pain to prevent them feeling pain themselves.

Then, times that by quite a lot, as the bond between parent and child (not all but a decent amount) is extremely strong.

Also imagine they are young, vulnerable, may not be able to say or explain if they come to harm if they are below a certain age, and that you are their entire world

Would you force them into a house, away from you, who loves them and for most people enjoys and cherishes the time with them, to stay with someone who doesn't want their company and may not look after them to a high standard. Not even thinking of neglect but pushing them to stay somewhere with a disinterested parent who sits them in front of the telly, feeds them rubbish food and sits and games themselves - when they could be spending quality time with a parent who actively teaches them, nurtures them, and enjoys doing that?

It's a burden on the single parent of course, and I have seen the burden and the stress first hand with a number of people, but the child is so well cared for, bonded and loved, and they would sacrifice everything in themselves for the happiness of their child

Nah, nowhere near “lots”.

My boyfriend actually was in this situation… became a solo dad when his ex moved overseas. He is literally the only man I’ve ever met where the mum has handed her responsibilities off to the dad… but I know many single/solo mums who have been left to it by men who have legged it or take minimal responsibility.

There’s deffo a lot of moms out there that would rather have the money than the time away, or the power having the kids.

On the flip side there is equally a lot of Dads out there that are really not good, if children are not safe or happy to be spending time there it shouldn’t be forced. They need to be protected even if it’s costs us ‘our’ time