Shakk we just stay in for the rest of our lives..

[Weimlove]

Asked partner if he wanted to go into the nearest big city for a cheap casual lunch and a few drinks this weekend as nice weather. For context we have not been out for a meal in 3 months since we came back from a weekend away (1st holiday together in 4 years). We both have well paid jobs (+£100k a year between us), the house is currently a drain on money but he does have other hobbies he spends a chunk of money on monthly.

He said that he doesn't have any money and is now storming about and in a huff that I asked. We never go out unless it's for a walk and maybe a drink at the local pub now and then. I feel we don't have any "new" experiences now and I'm bloody bored. He also wouldn't be happy if I said I'm off out with someone else instead. Our weekend days are all about house to do list and walking the dog - I feel unreasonable to expect to have a proper day off life admin and work. I only want to go out with him once a month or so, AIBU?

Sorry typo in the heading! Shall*

Yanbu. Do you have any shared interests or is there anything you both enjoy doing?

Is the house worth the hassle ? Sounds miserable existence. I have very little spare cash, but that doesn't tie me to the house.

I couldn't live like that! Give him the choice to go out with you or else go out with someone else or on your own. Same with holiday - one weekend away in 4 years? on your salaries that would not be good enough for me.

@crenellations not really but he loves food and drink, we used to be out every weekend when we first got together and now he never wants to go anywhere. Got like this after lockdown then moving out of city.

@MrsTomRipley Maybe that's part of the battle. I also really value going out so I do end up out with friends when I haven't made plans with him

@Sue152 I know! I've been away with family a few times on cheap holidays as it's ridiculous but then I come back to moaning that I am reckless with money and saying I'll not be going away again as x y z needs paid for. Miserable.

My husband didn’t want to go anywhere with me so I got a new group of work friends and a work husband to go out to places with. We went to parties, theatre, restaurants and pubs together. I didn’t care it wasn’t my husband because we had fun and it was platonic. It’s funny my husband suddenly wanted to start going out with me after that.

@Jiski ha! I guess he got a bit jealous. I don't think he would do the same.. I suspect he would just be annoyed every time I went out

I'm a single mum with an endlessly hungry teen, on considerably less than your income. I'm doing up my ramshackle house BUT in June.....

• I've just booked for us to go to a comedy session at our town's theatre - £31.50
• DS is taking me to crazy golf and then a cream tea for my birthday 😁 £26
• I've got friends coming over for a joint mani/pedicure/summer clothes session with wine & nibbles. Cost about a tenner.
• I'm running RaceforLife with some mates, cost with early booking was £10 I think.

Plus all the normal cycling and park runs and stuff with neighbours.

Can't you invite some friends over? Do one of those dinner parties where you each provide a course?

He has money he is choosing to spend it on himself

@Meadowfinch sounds fab! And not expensive. We don't really have any joint friends and at life stage where a lot of friends are pregnant or have kids so just doesn't happen a lot. Plus the issue is I really want to get out of the house a bit 😁

Sorry to drip feed here too but have also recalled that I offered to pay for a weekend away with a bonus from work and he got angry as he would still need spending money and can't afford it. He said I keep pressuring him. I feel like I can't win! It's making me feel anxious as I feel my needs are unimportant but also that I am being unreasonable.

Well in that case, I'd go out without him.

I joined the parish council - who would have thought parish councillors were such party animals.😂

The problem here is that you are serious incompatibility in how you want to spend your leisure time. When this happens with couples, you either need to: (a) compromise by the person who isn't super keen on going out nevertheless agreeing to do so from time to time and doing it with a positive attitude and good grace, (b) the person who likes to go out does so with other friends, and neither spouse has a go at the other for their choice to go out or stay in; or (c) split up. I suggest you sit down with your partner and ask him which it is.

Personally I'm with you OP - as nice as cosy weekends at home are, you need to get out and have some change and variety in life.

I mean you could stay in for the rest of your lives . Sounds like he'd be happy. Would you? It sounds like he's miserable and self centred. I'd be looking to split.

You and hubby sound like you earn more than me - I’m not in debt - have my own place and still manage to go out - even cheap seats at the theatre I managed to get for £30 today.

I would really struggle with someone who never wanted to go out even if it was something relatively inexpensive - and find it really boring. The alternative is to do things socially with other people who do want to go out - but it’s a shame if you feel you can’t do anything with the person who is supposed to be your life partner.

To be honest it’s 40% of the reason I broke up with my last partner - would rarely do anything fun at the weekends or just wanted to sit in my home or his. I just got to the point where it frustrated me so much I couldn’t do it anymore.

He's spending money somewhere else no way in hell on that combined wage he's worrying about the odd tenner. My friends hubby started gambling during lock down she had no idea until the bailiffs showed up.

Why has he got no money, what's he spending it on?

It does seem like you are pretty incompatible in your views on finances and social life - not great in the long term. You need a conversation about what you both want and whether mutual compromise is possible/acceptable

No point either of you living a life that makes you miserable

@Thecatlady82 thanks you have summed it up as I could go out with others (and I do regularly) but it just feels sad that we never do stuff together. It's more the quality time and time without stresses etc that I want as opposed to just going out as I can do that with anyone (or myself!).

I'm similar to you and hate not being able to go out and do things. We are deliberately staying in our smaller house with cheap mortgage and keeping money for holidays and experiences.

Why wouldn't he like it if you went out with other people?

It sounds like he's getting the activity and socialisation he requires through his hobby. You should obviously get to spend equal time and money on your interests. While it may not be a fixed activity you get equal value out of going out with your friends and it's legitimate.

You just need to do your own thing, OP, while making it clear that if he doesn't make the effort to have fun together you'll drift apart. Absolutely don't stay in and live a dull life for him, you'll look back with regret.

@Sprinkles211 @jackstini he does have money that's why I'm fed up too as if he genuinely didn't I wouldn't be asking. He has an expensive hobby as I mentioned and spending a few hundred a month on that at the moment. But I think the "I have no money" is stressing about the house too. I just feel we are wasting our younger years

Do your own thing and accept.
Or
Split up and find someone compatible.

If he is sabotaging your outings by being a pain it is abusive
Rethink your life
You cannot change him
You can change your own behaviour
You can change your life

You're not married and don't have DC. Honestly, if he's like this after 4 years on good salaries and presumably in your 30s if you're at the life state where friends are having kids, I think it's just the person he is and you aren't compatible. I'd have a serious think on whether you'd like to be living like this for the next 10, 20, 50 years...

Don't even get me started on him "getting angry" at you offering to pay for a weekend away because he might need to spend some money - ridiculous!

Oh , OP, I sympathise . I feel a bit similar.