Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Shakk we just stay in for the rest of our lives..

147 replies

Weimlove · 31/05/2024 09:48

Asked partner if he wanted to go into the nearest big city for a cheap casual lunch and a few drinks this weekend as nice weather. For context we have not been out for a meal in 3 months since we came back from a weekend away (1st holiday together in 4 years). We both have well paid jobs (+£100k a year between us), the house is currently a drain on money but he does have other hobbies he spends a chunk of money on monthly.

He said that he doesn't have any money and is now storming about and in a huff that I asked. We never go out unless it's for a walk and maybe a drink at the local pub now and then. I feel we don't have any "new" experiences now and I'm bloody bored. He also wouldn't be happy if I said I'm off out with someone else instead. Our weekend days are all about house to do list and walking the dog - I feel unreasonable to expect to have a proper day off life admin and work. I only want to go out with him once a month or so, AIBU?

OP posts:
GingerPirate · 31/05/2024 13:31

Fuck me, don't live like this, especially as you are pretty independent. 😊

tinkertailorsoldierpie · 31/05/2024 13:32

Weimlove · 31/05/2024 13:20

@Starlight1979 when you put it like that I am sitting wondering WTF I am doing. I am also the higher earner and somehow being dictated on how I spend my money. I actually have anxiety about spending money and going out now because of his attitude. I am glad I wrote this post as I am feeling thoroughly pissed off when previously I've been wondering if I'm being unreasonable and needing to grow up and prioritise the house savings etc etc. FED UP!

Read my little story above. I knew I was at absolute rock bottom when I was afraid to spend money, this included weighing up if I could afford to buy the slightly nicer, healthier looking fruit at the shops, for fear of him questioning my purchase and whether I could afford it. Because he wanted to count every penny. Please, please look into investing in your own pleasure in life. I left 6 months ago and I haven't been happier. Practically poor, but so much more relaxed, happier and enjoying everything instead of wondering and worrying about the what ifs and any conflict which might have arisen from me choosing to do something I wanted to do.

tinkertailorsoldierpie · 31/05/2024 13:33

Sorry for the double post, but I am also in my early 30s. We had a house and everything, and in the end, none of that was enough to keep me there because I was so deeply unhappy. I am sure you will make the right decision, just make sure you don't leave it years down the line <3

Cuppachuchu · 31/05/2024 13:37

A fabulous house doesn't mean much if you are not making each other happy. I'd bail.

AutumnFroglets · 31/05/2024 13:38

You are in a controlling relationship. It's his way or you suffer. Actually you are suffering doing it his way but at least you don't get the sulking and stonewalling and the anger on top of it as well.

You are not in a mutually supportive and uplifting relationship. Get out while you can. Use the "going out" funds on a solicitor and have a beautiful future 💕

Original poster
Weimlove · 31/05/2024 13:42

@tinkertailorsoldierpie thanks so much for sharing. Well done for taking that step and putting yourself first! Really can resonate with what you have said particularly the worrying about what ifs and conflict. Although as I've said I do go out regularly with others, there was a good 6 months where I didn't and just stayed in as it wasn't worth the battle but I then realised I couldn't live like that and just accept the moods. So glad you feel happy and relaxed too. Writing it all down and these responses are helping me to see it all and that maybe I am not the problem for wanting to enjoy life

OP posts:
tinkertailorsoldierpie · 31/05/2024 13:46

Weimlove · 31/05/2024 13:42

@tinkertailorsoldierpie thanks so much for sharing. Well done for taking that step and putting yourself first! Really can resonate with what you have said particularly the worrying about what ifs and conflict. Although as I've said I do go out regularly with others, there was a good 6 months where I didn't and just stayed in as it wasn't worth the battle but I then realised I couldn't live like that and just accept the moods. So glad you feel happy and relaxed too. Writing it all down and these responses are helping me to see it all and that maybe I am not the problem for wanting to enjoy life

Thank you! It did take a lot, as I was so used to being secondary in that relationship. I'm glad you have found some space to go and have fun with your friends, but I am sure you also wish you could do that with your partner too? If it's not working, and you're not going to put up with his tomfoolery, then it goes without saying what you should at least be thinking of doing. You're definitely not the problem if you're the one wanting to get out there and see the world! My ex kept bleating on about wanting to travel (we never went abroad together once, despite it being such a huge thing for him?), and now I have just booked to go away by myself. I haven't left the country in a long time and I am so excited, and I want that feeling for you, OP! Get out there and get it while you can. I hope you have a lovely weekend.

Original poster
Weimlove · 31/05/2024 13:52

@tinkertailorsoldierpie thanks for being so lovely! Yes definitely wish I could do that with my partner as friends and family all have their own lives too! You're right and I definitely need to have a good think. How strange that he went on about travelling then you never went anywhere! Well done for booking a holiday alone and hope you have an amazing time which you so deserve! Thanks for the kind and helpful replies x

OP posts:
RancidRuby · 31/05/2024 13:53

OP, my advice is to leave him. You are still young, don't waste your life in this way.

My husband is similar about not wanting to go out, or even entertain at home, not because of money but because he just doesn't enjoy socialising. However he absolutely never dictates to me that I shouldn't go out and we take lots of holidays and outings together as a family so we're certainly not just sat at home all the time, BUT he would never tell me what I should or should not spend money on (and I'm a SAHM so not personally earning). But his anti social side really gets me down at times and if I'm being totally honest if it wasn't for the fact we have 2 kids together then I'm not sure we'd still be together.

You're young and child free, make the split now before life gets more complicated. You want to be out enjoying life more, it's actually fine for him not to want that too if that's not his thing, but you do want that so this is a case of incompatibility. I think in a long term relationship it's fine to have different personalities, different approaches to life and different values - so long as both people are making compromises along the way BUT it sounds like you do all the compromising here which isn't right. Added to the fact you seem incompatible, is that he is trying to control you too, massive red flag there regardless of the incompatibility issues.

MuggleMe · 31/05/2024 13:59

My DH would always prefer to spend money on the house (or not at all) and is happiest chilling at home whereas I prefer activities and seeing people.

But the difference is he absolutely doesn't begrudge me going out with friends and we still do lunches, occasional theatre trip etc.

He clearly prioritises his hobby over activities with you. This will likely get worse with young children. My youngest is nearly 7 and I'm finally doing more again after years of careful budgeting and being tied home.

gertrudeteacake · 31/05/2024 13:59

I don't think he's the right person for you OP.

LifeExperience · 31/05/2024 14:24

You're incompatible.

goingdownfighting · 31/05/2024 14:27

Just tell him that you will spend the equivalent of his hobbies on yourself and crack on. If moneys tight perhaps he can reduce that spending.

dottiedodah · 31/05/2024 14:33

I think you sound incompatible TBH.If hes like this now in your 30s what will he be like in his 50s? With children it will be difficult I think ,We were never in with our two and the dog! Just go out with chums , Tell him you want more from life .You are a young woman!

CruCru · 31/05/2024 14:37

So you are 32 and earn over £50k? You are a total catch but you are wasting your life with this dull, mean man. From what you’ve written, you ask so little but still don’t have it.

Please split up with him. Sell the house and move on. Go out on lots of dates with interesting men who are happy to do interesting things.

ElaineMBenes · 31/05/2024 14:53

You're only 32, find someone who wants to go on adventures with you. You'll regret it if you don't.

My ex was little bit like your partner. I got fed up of doing things on my own or with friends as I wanted to share the experiences with a partner.

One of the things I love most about my DH is his spontaneity and willingness to have fun..... and he's 20 years older than your partner!

Original poster
Weimlove · 31/05/2024 14:54

@CruCru yes 32 and over 60k. Thanks, I don't think of myself as a catch at all but maybe that is part of the problem! This is all making me think I have a lot to think about for the future.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 31/05/2024 14:59

oh dear, this doesn't bode well for the future.

AutumnFroglets · 31/05/2024 14:59

This is all making me think I have a lot to think about for the future.

Going to be very blunt here. If you stay you will have no future. Not one worth living.

ABirdsEyeView · 31/05/2024 15:00

If you don't already, make sure your wages are going into an account in your name only and start to separate out any joint financial commitments, like credit cards or loans. What kind of mortgage do you have - joint tenants or tenants in common?
I'd crack on with extricating myself financially if that's not already covered

longtompot · 31/05/2024 15:07

but he does have other hobbies he spends a chunk of money on monthly

This is why he doesn't have any money to do things with you @Weimlove , he is spending all his spare money on whatever his hobbies are. Why is that ok but not ok for you to spend your money on things you'd enjoy?

CruCru · 31/05/2024 15:14

Weimlove · 31/05/2024 14:54

@CruCru yes 32 and over 60k. Thanks, I don't think of myself as a catch at all but maybe that is part of the problem! This is all making me think I have a lot to think about for the future.

Seriously, so many men would be glad to date you.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 31/05/2024 15:23

Is the house really worth it ?

who set the budget for the property

who chose the house

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 31/05/2024 15:25

and why does he have an expensive hobby

and YOU as the higher earner don't even get to go for a cheap lunch...

Investinmyself · 31/05/2024 15:26

What do you want life to look like. If you want travel, trips out, being able to socialise with friends without him getting grumpy then he’s not the one for you.
Not sure if kids are on your mind but you need to be on same page. I imagine you’d like to take your children for holidays and days out. For them to do activities. If he’s of the a free trip to park week in week out is fine (while I spend £200 and time on my hobby) it’s not going to be happy.