Shakk we just stay in for the rest of our lives..

[Weimlove]

Asked partner if he wanted to go into the nearest big city for a cheap casual lunch and a few drinks this weekend as nice weather. For context we have not been out for a meal in 3 months since we came back from a weekend away (1st holiday together in 4 years). We both have well paid jobs (+£100k a year between us), the house is currently a drain on money but he does have other hobbies he spends a chunk of money on monthly.

He said that he doesn't have any money and is now storming about and in a huff that I asked. We never go out unless it's for a walk and maybe a drink at the local pub now and then. I feel we don't have any "new" experiences now and I'm bloody bored. He also wouldn't be happy if I said I'm off out with someone else instead. Our weekend days are all about house to do list and walking the dog - I feel unreasonable to expect to have a proper day off life admin and work. I only want to go out with him once a month or so, AIBU?

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon no we split the household bills 50/50. Although I am the higher earner, I have student loans to pay off that he doesn't so I probably don't have a lot more if any than him for everything else. Yes I think I am going to speak to family and see if anyone around to do something, or i'll book the hotel as looking that up just now too. He does his hobby anytime really so he can have a nice saturday on his own.

Can you tell us what county or city you are in? We'll find something lovely to do. 😊 Don't let misery-guts spoil your weekend.

You're not lucky, you earned your good job. Now move forward and get that good life you deserve.

thanks for all the responses everyone has been so so kind. @Meadowfinch I won't say city but Scotland (with a car!)

Have drifted away from quite a few friends too from the whole not going out as often.
Don't do this, OP. Drift back towards them. Your other half is just living the life he wants and spending money on his own priorities. He doesn't want the life you do, and he doesn't want to prioritise you, that's why he's squashing you down every time you suggest something fun. It's not to do with money.

ooh Scotland with a car.

so a city break in Edinburgh if you live in Glasgow etc. or the other way around.

or down to Peebles - a spa weekend at the hydro

or something on the side of Loch Lomand

or further up i.e. around Glencoe

or further down Kelso / Berwick upon Tweed

or the seaside i.e Largs / Fairlie / Troon

or into Northumberlad

even Newcastle for a city break weekend

Does he realise how unattractive this not leaving the house-stingy-penny pinching obsession is? You said he wasn’t like this at the beginning so he is capable of having fun and spending a bit of money… or was it just for show?
32 is really young to be shuffling around the house in slippers all day.
Are you renovating the house right now? Why is he so worried about money?

If I have gathered right your household has an income around 100k.

If this is 65k your income and 35k husband income and you split bills 50:50
The salary calculator suggests he has £2393 monthly take home after tax and at 65k you have £3958 or £3739 after student loans (on plan 2).

No account of pensions in these figures.

It would be easy on these incomes and renovating a house for him to have nothing left while you have over a grand left.
If you want to share your lives and have money to enjoy why not do a budget and have joint money for leisure/equal money for personal spends and saving.

It is unfair to complain he won't spend on leisure when you are trying to renovate a house splitting costs 50:50 and you have over a grand more than him every month.

but HE is spending on leisure - on his expensive hobby

but doesn't want / let the Op spend her money on anything SHE might enjoy

@Winter2020 he earns more than 35k, I said +£100k but he's on around 50k and I'm on 60k. I've seen both our payslips and I take home £200 or so more a month after deductions as I have more deductions than him for example student loan and a healthcare scheme I can't opt out of. I also have a car finance he doesn't have so I actually have the same or less when we split household bills. Not that this is what the thread is really about that I should explain in this much detail but the above is not the case. I suggested joint money and allowance but he doesn't want that either.

how much does he spend on this hobby ?!!!

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon about 200-300 a month so he has told me

I am sorry to say, but the more you tell us - it sounds like you are joint purchasers of a property. full stop.

That's a lot to spend on a hobby. Then to leave you sitting at home.

I hope you've booked somewhere. That sounds like a brilliant idea, whether you ask someone else to go or go alone you have so many choices.

Imagine just heading off suitcase in car, getting dressed up and out to dinner and few drinks after, whatever you want to do during the day. Time to reflect on your relationship and make a decision about your future.

This is a fork in the road, we all get them, it's your choice to choose which road to take but remember people's bad habits rarely change they seem to intensify as the years go on. Any signs of controlling showing now will become much worse. A person who isn't sociable or outgoing with their partner won't suddenly start doing fun things with them even if it's just a night out.

You are still very young, you have the world at your feet.😁

@Wendysfriend thank you this is very motivational and helpful 😊

Don't be spending more than him on house renovations - make sure everything stays 50/50. Honestly I'd do the bare minimum to get it saleable at a level that means you don't lose money and then I'd cut my losses with this fella. You aren't a priority to him - he's not invested in you having a shared life, only a shared asset!

@ABirdsEyeView definitely and I do feel very lonely as I said which is probably as he doesn't actually like a partner, just an investor! Anyway I'm not going to a hotel tomorrow but I'm off out with a friend which I'm sure will cheer my weekend up 😊

whatever you do tomorrow is better than staying in !

Definitely. Glad I made some plans!

I hope you don't waste too much of your future "thinking" about whether you want to sacrifice it to a grumpy, controlling & complaining, miserable tight-arse.

The world's full of enchanting things for you do with friends, family, and by yourself! It's also full of interesting people for you to meet ...

So how did your weekend go!

Haven’t read the whole thread but it doesn’t sound like a money issue, it sounds like a boring old-before-his-time fart issue.