Shakk we just stay in for the rest of our lives..

[Weimlove]

Asked partner if he wanted to go into the nearest big city for a cheap casual lunch and a few drinks this weekend as nice weather. For context we have not been out for a meal in 3 months since we came back from a weekend away (1st holiday together in 4 years). We both have well paid jobs (+£100k a year between us), the house is currently a drain on money but he does have other hobbies he spends a chunk of money on monthly.

He said that he doesn't have any money and is now storming about and in a huff that I asked. We never go out unless it's for a walk and maybe a drink at the local pub now and then. I feel we don't have any "new" experiences now and I'm bloody bored. He also wouldn't be happy if I said I'm off out with someone else instead. Our weekend days are all about house to do list and walking the dog - I feel unreasonable to expect to have a proper day off life admin and work. I only want to go out with him once a month or so, AIBU?

He sounds like a miserable git.

i guess what you need to think about is whether you are compatible at all really

Does he have a friend he feels he has to keep up with or something? It sounds like he has a house he couldn't afford on his salary and an expensive hobby, and needs you to shore up his lifestyle.

He’s in a snot because you suggested a cheap pub lunch at the weekend? Fuck that. He sounds like a right pain in the hole.

What’s the point of being with someone like that? Life is short, don’t shackle yourself to this Victor Meldrew Jr.

Sounds like a horrible relationship.

You may be happier in a cheaper place to live on your own with no one sucking any tiny bit of joy out of life

This does not bode well for a happy life OP. You want to go out, enjoy your life and spend some of your hard earned money on getting the most out of life. He wants to sit at home and count the pennies.

This is a huge level of incompatibility.

Tell him loudly and clearly that he chooses to spend £££ on his hobby; you’re spending £££ on travel etc. End of discussion - and moaning .

He's not happy when you go out with others? 🚩
He criticises or gets cross when you spend your money 🚩
He makes you feel bad/ guilty for wanting to get out 🚩
He happily spends money on his hobby, but doesn't afford you the same courtesy 🚩
So boringly familiar that it's not difficult to predict where this would end if given a chance.
Don't have kids with him. This won't ever be an equal partnership, and you'll be expected to do all the parenting whilst he 'tinkers' at the house. Then when you can't stand it anymore and start divorce proceedings, he'll use the children as 'weapons' in his game whilst bemoaning the fact that it's all your fault. And he'll erode your confidence until you can't see the wood for the trees.

Just re read the post, you're not married, then get the hell out and find someone more compatible.

If you haven't already how do you think he would react if you asked to sit down together and create a budget/spending plan?

He's a tight controlling knob. No one should expect their partner to stay at home. I hate being at home because I WFH anyway, so I want to go out in the evenings. DH comes with me sometimes, and at other times not.

Life's too short op.
Tell him you're not happy and if he can't go out with you every now and then then maybe you both need to rethink this relationship.
He seems happy with just his hobby. Your role in his life is probably just domestic with sex thrown in.

This!

Clarify the project goals and end date. Then the next step is to agree a budget for the project - and a budget for fun.

Depending on his response, you need to consider what you want out of this relationship and what your future with him will look like.

Life is so much shorter than you think, don’t waste your best years on someone who doesn’t want the same things as you.

I mean, this. He's not fussed about spending time with you. Go out with friends and have a think about whether he's worth spending time with.

Your only holiday in 4 years has been a weekend away?! And you're young and healthy, have a good income, no kids, no ties?! Your life is passing you by. Don't waste any more precious years on this bore.

We're in our 60s now and we've always prioritised holidays. You name it we've been there, done that, got the T shirt. There's always stuff to do on a house, it'll wait.

Life is short, it really is. Before you know it you'll be my age wondering where the years went. Time to shake him up or shake him off.

Thanks all, I'm feeling he is just miserable. We agreed to have a monthly date last year and he stuck to it for a few months. Then we went for the short holiday and it's like that's all the dates for the next 6 months. He knows how I feel having discussed it before. I don't think me setting a budget would go down well either.

@LateButNotTooLate only holiday with him. I have been away a few cheap holidays as I love travelling but it's just sad that we never do anything together! I do feel like I'm wasting my life just now and don't want to regret it. It never started like this, went on a few big holidays our first 2 years together and out every weekend. Now we are shackled to the house apparently. 😴

We are in our 50s and have gone out more in the last month than you have in the last 4 years probably. We always have. I couldnt' stay with a couch potato.

He sounds pretty miserable tbh.

Have you children ? If not on those salaries you both should be living a good life. Houses can be a drain, sometimes we have to give up money pits or focus on the important things in the house.

You have one life, I know this is said loosely in life, but this is not a practice run, this is your life.

If you are not happy with your situation you can make changes. Your partner isn't going to change, in fact he'll get much worse. The limited days out and lunches and holidays will stop completely. You will be stuck at home because you won't want to rock the boat upsetting him and getting a difficult time from him by meeting friends. There are so many men in this world who won't bring their oh out and get all stroppy when they do things without them. It's an awful life to live, it can get very depressing and lonely and you loose your confidence.

You need to think about the things you want in life and whether you can have them with him and if the answer is no then you need you consider a life without him. You don't want to be sitting in looking out the window at people heading off for the day or a few days and you and him watching TV bored. You have this chance to make changes in your life, please do what makes you happy.

you shouldn't need to beg for a monthly date with your boyfriend.

I'm assuming you're young, you've no kids. So tell this bloke adios. You're clearly mismatched and marriage to him would be stifling and boring.

I don't wish to be vulgar...but there's a lot of dick out there. His is nothing special.

Easier to unshackle yourself from a joint mortgage than a marriage and kids and a mortgage.

@Wendysfriend you're right thank you. I need to have a good think about it. I feel really miserable and look at my colleagues going on amazing holidays (these are colleagues who I manage!!) and wonder why I can't be doing the same. It's crazy.

@Phantasmagorically haha i enjoyed the vulgar statement. You are right, I fear it would be difficult to uproot my life but even harder with kids and marriage I agree.

I wonder if money and the house is the excuse is for some deeper anxiety. You mention he is miserable now but that pre Covid he was fine and then you moved out of the City.

Is this more recent behaviour based in residual anxiety about Covid, he doesn’t want to go anywhere and doesn’t want you going out with anyone else, i.e. keeping semi isolated ?

Sadly Covid for many is still a hang over and the life skills learnt then i.e. the isolation etc. can’t easily be unlearnt by everyone and if he is suffering anxiety then money is a convenient excuse not to have to engage - might be wrong but something might be worth considering as part of the overall scenario

Are you married ? I mean, this sounds boring as arse.

If he spends £££ on a hobby, cycling I bet, and none on you going out, and huffs when you do stuff then I would honestly dump him, sell the house and move back to the city.

doesn't sound like good father material and really what happens when he gets old !!!! He will be so much more grumpy (disclaimer I am middled aged and men don’t get happier as they get older, I can tell you !).

why not book a air b and b in a nice local city for two weeks, go alone and see if you prefer life without him. Might give him the shock he needs to pull his socks up

Yanbu

This was the reason DH left his first wife in the end because although they had plenty of money she never wanted to spend any of it on living life. She would buy expensive sofas etc but never wanted to go out and about. She still won't spend money on her children, they have never had a holiday or a birthday party but she renovates the house regularly

Life is for living and a partner who won't let you live it isn't really a partner

It sounds like you aren’t compatible. He’s not going to change.

Personally I’d split up as your life with him will be miserable. You should be out all the time with no kids. Wasting your life.