Shakk we just stay in for the rest of our lives..

[Weimlove]

Asked partner if he wanted to go into the nearest big city for a cheap casual lunch and a few drinks this weekend as nice weather. For context we have not been out for a meal in 3 months since we came back from a weekend away (1st holiday together in 4 years). We both have well paid jobs (+£100k a year between us), the house is currently a drain on money but he does have other hobbies he spends a chunk of money on monthly.

He said that he doesn't have any money and is now storming about and in a huff that I asked. We never go out unless it's for a walk and maybe a drink at the local pub now and then. I feel we don't have any "new" experiences now and I'm bloody bored. He also wouldn't be happy if I said I'm off out with someone else instead. Our weekend days are all about house to do list and walking the dog - I feel unreasonable to expect to have a proper day off life admin and work. I only want to go out with him once a month or so, AIBU?

It sounds as though he’s got the life he wants and now he’s trying to control yours. From your description he sounds like an 80-year-old. I’m retired and I’ve had a week abroad, a short break in the UK and two friends to stay already this year. I’ve got another week abroad coming up and a week away in the UK. I couldn’t be bothered with some guy pissing on my chips like he does to you.

OP just wondering if the reason you have put up with this is because you are in a sunk fallacy mindset? I say this because you said you don’t think you’re a catch( which is prob not true)

I mentioned before I ended my relationship partly for similar issues to you- but it took me three years because we did have really good times and when we did go out or on holiday it was brilliant. He was a bit different because he would go all out with lovely dates and holidays for me BUT this only happened once a year for holidays and a 5 times a year for the lovely dates.

Whereas I would have preferred inexpensive and often ( weekly at least 😂)

I held on because of the romance of when we did have those dates and but always got a sinking feeling usually around a Thursday or Friday knowing that he wouldn’t even suggest doing anything or worse not even see me at all unless I said something.

I also held on because I thought he was a good catch in other respects and maybe I won’t get so lucky next time.

I like going out at the weekends because I work long hours during the week - I tried to suggest things, made alternative plans with friends joined groups classes etc to make up for it and whilst I enjoyed them - it was a stop gap to disguise the fact we were incompatible in that respect. I realised I was lonely in my relationship and thought if im lonely in a relationship I might as well be single because at least that dread of hoping he would suggest we do something be gone.

You ARE wasting your younger years…if you’re not married and don’t have kids, there's nothing keeping you in this now-incompatible relationship. It’s only going to get worse!

@Thecatlady82 Perhaps I am. I do feel there are still great times when we do actually go out or go on holiday but it happens so infrequently. I do feel slightly lonely in this if I'm honest as I see my friends doing fun stuff with partners/husbands and I rarely get that. My older sister is single and also seems to at least be having a better social life than me. I used to always have something planned for the weekend for myself to look forward to as I do have a really stressful and intense job. It just feels like I work very hard and then can't enjoy the rewards of that with holidays and nice meals frequently. Sorry I am just moaning here but the point is the same as what you make, I am holding on to the glimmers of what could be great with someone who's "not that bad". When I could potentially find someone I am more compatible with, or at the very least by myself and spending time travelling and going out! Have drifted away from quite a few friends too from the whole not going out as often.

Do you know the ins and outs of his finances for sure, rather than just what he's telling you? Because his reaction to your suggestion is the sort of extreme, overly defensive response of someone who for whatever reason has less money than you might expect them to, doesn't want the door opened on a discussion where this might come to light, so is closing you down with anger.

It’s fine to say this isn’t working for me. There doesn’t need to be a big reason like infidelity to split.
You work and have a good wage. Get the house sold then decide from there. As a temporary stop could you move in with single sister.

dump him op

P.s who has voted YABU

He is labelling it "sensible" to invest in the house instead of going out to make his position seem responsible and yours seem frivolous. And that's true up to a point. But not up to the point where you aren't able to do the things that bring you joy and make life rich for you. There has to be a balance and his pendulum is way too far his way - going out to lunch in a nearby town is not a big ask. Anyway, it doesn't sound like you'd get a different reaction if you proposed an entirely free picnic in a park.

Also, there will always be a reason to be "sensible". You'll finish the house and then he'll say it's "sensible" not to have any fun because of the cost of you being on maternity leave, then childcare, then sending kids to uni, then saving for retirement. And before you know it, you'll have wasted your life with someone who implies that the fun is just around the corner once the "sensible" thing is paid for.

' Have drifted away from quite a few friends too from the whole not going out as often. '

No, do not isolate yourself from your friends.

get in touch, make arrangements to meet up.

you are the higher earner, you can afford your social life !

omg - pleeeeease break this off OP. You’re young and still have time to meet someone that is on the same page as you, and have kids etc. You can sell the house and buy yourself a nice smaller place and just enjoy life!!

Take it from someone who is middle aged with 3 children and very much regrets being sensible with her money in her 20s!! We had friends and family living in far flung places and didn't go and see them as we were being sensible.

Yes we bought a house in our late 20s which to many is the goal, but so what? I did some travelling but so so wish I'd thrown caution to the wind and done more.

Now the children are slightly older we have to plan around school holidays and their needs.

Don't live with regrets!

Gosh your life sounds so boring, like my 92 year old granny... but even she goes out for meals and has lots of visitors. My retired parents travel and have a hectic social life and DH and I are busy, with activities for us/kids daily and barely time for the renovation project home. I guess your DP is an introvert? Does he like spending time with you, or is it just all about the money? How long will this financial squeeze (on an excellent joint income) last?? I'd be so bored...

These are 👌 ideas!

Honestly feeling pretty sad and fed up now looking at the prospect of a weekend doing nothing of any excitement again. I need more from my life than this! At least if I were single I'd be out there actively meeting up with people and going on holidays whereas right now I feel guilt for doing all of that stuff with others while my partner won't do any of those things with me either. Tempted to just piss off to a hotel somewhere for the weekend!!

Do it. I am astonished that you are the higher earner and he is telling you what to do with your own money.

I feel like there is no compromise here at all.

Honestly OP, do it. Find a cheap spa deal and enjoy. Any friends to invite?? And while you’re away give your head a wobble and think about what you want your next 10 years to look like…

My ex was a bit like this, but in a passive way.
I ended up realising one day that if i got to old age and I had spent my life not living, not seeing this mad wonderful world we have, all because of a man, I'd be so disappointed in myself.
Some people are happy just going off with friends and leaving their partner to it, but I realised that it was so important to me that I had a partner who wanted to do fun things with me, enjoy life and explore.
I don't think any man is worth hindering your curiosity about the world for.

Do it! Piss off to some place you've never been to before and have a taster of what your life might be like without this anchor holding you down.

Please don't get too down about it- see now as an opportunity to reassess what YOU want out of life and where your regrets will be. Big evaluation time. Starting with DP. Does he sake you happy, will he ever, do things need to change to work in the long term. Do you want to marry, have kids, travel etc. You are in a fabulous position being well
Paid, house, no kids yet, not married (if you want to separate!) You can start choosing the life you want to live (and there is time to live and enjoy lots of it) now. But big question- will your DP enhance or be detrimental to your life and you to his...

Also I do want to add that I know I am so lucky and probably whinging about something that could be seen as trivial or entitled to so many others especially with having a good job etc. I don't take that for granted that if I want to leave then I have the means to do so easily.

I also find it unbelievable that you are the higher earner but here he is, spending hundreds on his hobby EVERY MONTH and telling you you aren’t allowed to spend your own money that you have worked hard for.
I’d be making plans to ditch him and start living your life. You’re young, get out there and enjoy yourself.

OP, you aren't whinging.

A phrase that stuck with me recently is that abuse isn't about violence, it's about control. Violence, shouting, threats etc are just to maintain control.

Now, I'm not saying you are necessarily in an abusive relationship... but I don't think you're far from it if he carries on down this path of isolation, fear-mongering and controlling what you spend.

You seem to be coming to the conclusion that you are not compatible. You are going to be so much happier when you leave him. You are far too young and obviously clever to be wasting your life like this

please don't tell me you are paying more for the mortgage than your dp, because you are the higher earner

please tell me it is all split 50/50

and that he pays for his hobby out of his remaining money

so yes, book something for you - jump in the car and go...

otherwise if that's too brave too soon

contact a friend / friends / family and see if anyone is available tomorrow - trip to town ? shopping ? lunch ? dinner out ? cinema / theatre ?
or trip to country pub on Sunday for lunch etc

what would YOU like to do

when does Mr. Mean do his hobby ?
evenings / weekends ?