Shakk we just stay in for the rest of our lives..

[Weimlove]

Asked partner if he wanted to go into the nearest big city for a cheap casual lunch and a few drinks this weekend as nice weather. For context we have not been out for a meal in 3 months since we came back from a weekend away (1st holiday together in 4 years). We both have well paid jobs (+£100k a year between us), the house is currently a drain on money but he does have other hobbies he spends a chunk of money on monthly.

He said that he doesn't have any money and is now storming about and in a huff that I asked. We never go out unless it's for a walk and maybe a drink at the local pub now and then. I feel we don't have any "new" experiences now and I'm bloody bored. He also wouldn't be happy if I said I'm off out with someone else instead. Our weekend days are all about house to do list and walking the dog - I feel unreasonable to expect to have a proper day off life admin and work. I only want to go out with him once a month or so, AIBU?

The red flag is that he won't let you go out either on your own. I think it's very important for people to have space and do their own thing in a relationship

@CassandraWebb It's so miserable! I mean I don't want to live in a dump but I feel there should be a balance. Before we bought the house, we agreed we didn't want to have to sacrifice our quality of life but in reality it has all gone out the window. I think he would be genuinely so happy if I never went out either which I'm just not willing to do. But he makes it out like we are being sensible to focus on the house as if we NEED to but I have the constant niggle of I am wasting life.

You are actually quite lucky that if you want to make changes you can. Many of us are so far in that it's not possible due to added issues, health etc

To see a life ahead of you filled with lots of lovely things and a partner down the line who wants to share these things with you, encourage you, make decisions and make plans to make life fun. Happy for you to have friends and encouraging you to do things without them and not get stroppy, silent treatment etc

Time to make a change and if he won't come along for the ride then that tells you a lot about how much he values your wellbeing

You absolutely are wasting your younger years and if he's like this now, it will not improve. You may think love will be enough, but it won't save you from resentment and crushing boredom in 20 years time. You will never get this time again - is this really how you want to spend it?

This. And don’t forget - it is only you making sacrifices. He is still doing his very expensive hobby. Because that matters to him. Things that would make you happy - he doesn’t care.

@Mumofteenandtween @Usernamewassavedsuccessfully you're both right and the thing is that I really feel I am living life the way HE wants to, no compromise about what I want. Or the odd compromise he does make like the holiday is then counterbalanced by the months of not going out and probably not having another holiday for the next 4 years.

How old are you both OP? This sounds awful. I'm all for looking after your house and being sensible with money to an extent, but there has to be a balance. What do your friends/family say about it/him?

I'd be worried if you were my DD. I bet they are.

It sounds like you want to spend your time & money on different things.

In your position I'd find it hard to feel he didn't value doing things together, which is pretty much a relationship death knell. He also sounds quite controlling, since you say he'd be annoyed if you went alone or with others - and keeps telling you how you need to spend your money on the house.

I agree with other posters that if you get on with having fun by yourself/with others he may get a grip. But it shouldn't take that!

@FrenchandSaunders we are both 32. Well my family and friends don't spend much time in his company. He once told a family member I wouldn't be going on another family holiday while I have X to pay which obviously they did not like. Have not really moaned to anyone about this all though so they haven't said anything directly to me as they will want to keep the peace

It sounds like you both want different things from life. Although he sounds more like 82 than 32 in his attitudes. I think you will end up miserable if you stay in this relationship long term unfortunately.

Don't waste your life with a stingy man. They do not make good companions.

I agree, if your partner won't go places with you, he can hardly be surprised when you choose to go with other people. Stop pandering to him. Go out with your friends as often as you want to and tell him he does not get a say in the matter.

Does your partner actually want a relationship, or just a housemate to pay half the bills?

He's either boring as fuck - and selfish - to spend on his hobby, but piss and moan about you wanting to go out. Or he has hidden debt. Either way, LTB.

My most recent ex was similar. Was on triple what I earned, he was managing to save over £1000 a month of his own money while I scrimped and often was only able to save a bit here and there, yet he cried poverty and never wanted to spend any money to do anything nice. This included any holidays. He would complain about being bored, or finding life dull, but would never do anything to spice it up or make it fun. I would suggest things and he would say things like "we can't afford it", despite us being DINKs with very little outgoings. It was utterly miserable.

Worse still, was when I tried to arrange things with other people, he would literally cry and say I am trying to escape from him and leaving him out. He would lose it and do this horrible wailing noise which sounded like a howling dog, so I knew whenever he did that, I wasn't to even bother. Lost all my friends, all my confidence and all of my wanting to do things. Ended up spending years just sitting around the house while he did the things he wanted to do. Cheap things.

I am still dealing with guilt over spending money because of how he treated me (even necessary things like the shopping for christ's sake!), but I am now out doing things every weekend and online with a couple of friends, now that we have broken up. All I can say is just get out there and enjoy your life while you can, OP. Please don't live in misery because that's what he wants to do. Do you know those books 'Choose Your Own Adventure'? Life is one of those, isn't it. So get choosing and have your fun!

He's just looking for someone to share the bills with.

Life takes money. Every single day. It’s sorta shallow but how about this thought. Do you like clothes OP? When I was your age I would buy pretty clothes at the change of season. I had two small children and they had new clothes too. Except one summer it dawned on me DH never wanted to go anywhere with me in these new clothes. Not anywhere. So now he is exdp. It’s not the clothes it’s the sharing of life and life experiences. A meal made by someone else is a treat. A glass of wine on a patio is a treat. I LOVE my house but I’m not married to it. Even with DH now sometimes I have to say…yes yes yes work work work I’m going swimming at my cousins. See you soon. Your DP…He absolutely will change just not in the way you want him to

Throw this one back in the sea!

The reason you feel like you're wasting your life is because you are!

He's tight and he's boring - you don't want to waste the next few years on him before you see the light. In your shoes, I'd do what was essential work in order to sell the house, then get rid and move on.

At 32, with no dc and a good income, you should be living a brilliant life - weekends away, holidays, dinners out. It should be exciting and fun.

32?!?! On a joint salary of over £100k and you've been on ONE HOLIDAY TOGETHER in 4 years?! AND he whinges because you asked to go out for lunch on a weekend?! Fuck that for a game of soldiers!!! Why would you put up with this at such a young age?!

Me and DP are thankfully on the same page in terms of going out, holidays etc. We're also doing work on the house but we still go out for a meal usually once a month, go to a gig / have a night away somewhere usually every 2-3 months. Why would you not make the most of having no kids or commitments?!

Your DP sounds like my boss. Works all the hours godsends (including weekends and holidays🙄), rarely sees his wife and kids, "treats" them to one UK holiday a year for a week (despite the fact he's worth millions!), never have meals out (his wife cooks pretty much every meal), they have a takeaway on birthdays only and the only semi-enjoyable activities they - very rarely - do are free ones (cycling, going for a walk etc). He refuses to spend money on anything.

To echo PPs, this will only ever get worse. Don't convince yourself he'll change or get better. He won't.

I thought he was about 60 from his attitude. 32 is far too young to be shackled to a prematurely grumpy old man.

Sounds utterly miserable. Of course paying bills and getting some savings is a priority, but never doing anything, what’s the point in life?! Enjoy yourself.

But the other issue here that seems to be the real red flag is him not wanting you to go out without him even when he doesn’t want to go out. Controlling. I’d be really considering if this is what you want for the rest of your life.

Life is REALLY short. I’m not ancient but I am 45 and life is whizzing by. It is too short to spend time being with someone who doesn’t make you happy, who doesn’t want to do things.

You sound like you’re becoming resentful AND he’s spending money on an expensive hobby - so why are you “not allowed”?

You are 32 and have many, many years ahead of you but before you know it, you’ll be wondering where the years have gone and what you did with them!

And he sounds like an arse.

@Starlight1979 when you put it like that I am sitting wondering WTF I am doing. I am also the higher earner and somehow being dictated on how I spend my money. I actually have anxiety about spending money and going out now because of his attitude. I am glad I wrote this post as I am feeling thoroughly pissed off when previously I've been wondering if I'm being unreasonable and needing to grow up and prioritise the house savings etc etc. FED UP!

Honestly Op. Have a good think but he’s not going to improve. You need to be on same page re spending and hols.