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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL has bought a forward facing seat for 2 year old?

271 replies

Elisabeth3468 · 30/05/2024 18:09

I want to start by saying my son is 2 and is rear facing and has a specialised seat that rear faces up to 25kg. I plan on keeping him rear facing until he grows out of the weight/height limit which will probably be aged 5. I know how much safer it is.
My MIL knows how I feel about rear facing and I've provided her with all the facts and information but she doesn't seem to listen or want to know any better? That's fine because he never goes in her car anyway as she hasn't had a seat.
Until the other day she turns up and has bought him a forward facing only seat, brand new. It was off a colleague so highly discounted so she paid next to nothing but still it's forward facing and does rear face at all.
She keeps saying it's fine to forward face at his age etc. but she knows why I choose to rear face.
I feel really awkward now and I don't want my son to go in that seat.
I can't understand why she's done it. My mum has a car seat for my son and it's the same as ours and she's taken on board that the safest is to rear face.
I said to MIL I will buy a seat for her car if she wants one. She rarely looks after him anyway so confused why she's bought a seat.
AIBU?
What shall I say to her? I feel like she thinks I'm ungrateful.

OP posts:
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8
Howdoesitworkagain · 30/05/2024 20:20

Thehop · 30/05/2024 19:35

Stand your ground.

"he can come in my car"
"I don't let him travel with people who are happy to have him be 500 times more likely to die in a crash rather than choose the right seat for him"

😂 you’ve got to be joking with that second example

Lucyloo223 · 30/05/2024 20:22

PrincessMirrorBelle · 30/05/2024 18:32

Difficult one. What sort of driving is she doing and how fast? I would probably let it go if it was for pootling around town because at those speeds the risk and difference it would make must be negligible. But motorways and country lanes I'd put my foot down.

I don't get how this makes a difference
Anyone can have an accident at any time and anywhere

Frozenblox · 30/05/2024 20:26

We had to switch ours to forward facing for one of ours by 2 as otherwise legs were too long and squished up. I think you’re being OTT but it’s your choice as your child. I also liked to be able to see dc when eating in the car but I suspect you don’t allow them to eat on journeys…/whereas for us by dc2 they were happily munching their happy meals in the back after a trip through the drive through 😁

georgiedas · 30/05/2024 20:27

As someone who was in an accident with my toddler (it was not my fault and I'm a very careful driver) it terrified me and I will be keeping my toddler in a rear facing car seat until he is as near to 7 as possible. If you can't understand why it's odd to have children older than 2 rear facing then you just need to google statistics and laws in Scandinavian countries.

Original poster
Elisabeth3468 · 30/05/2024 20:27

Frozenblox · 30/05/2024 20:26

We had to switch ours to forward facing for one of ours by 2 as otherwise legs were too long and squished up. I think you’re being OTT but it’s your choice as your child. I also liked to be able to see dc when eating in the car but I suspect you don’t allow them to eat on journeys…/whereas for us by dc2 they were happily munching their happy meals in the back after a trip through the drive through 😁

Definitely wouldn't allow eating in my car for two reasons - choking - the mess.
What would happen if you were driving and one of your children started to choke and you were on the motorway and couldn't stop?

OP posts:
georgiedas · 30/05/2024 20:29

Frozenblox · 30/05/2024 20:26

We had to switch ours to forward facing for one of ours by 2 as otherwise legs were too long and squished up. I think you’re being OTT but it’s your choice as your child. I also liked to be able to see dc when eating in the car but I suspect you don’t allow them to eat on journeys…/whereas for us by dc2 they were happily munching their happy meals in the back after a trip through the drive through 😁

Cannot understand why you would let your children eat in the car. Squished legs aren't an issue if you get seats that can move back to give them more room and they can cross them.

EsmeSusanOgg · 30/05/2024 20:31

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/05/2024 19:40

I don't know anyone who was still using a rear facing seat at 2, let alone 5. I know on Mumsnet this is seen as normal, but even my most full-on perfect-parenting friends didn't do it. So I wouldn't have a problem with the forward facing seat if it is of good quality and well fitted.

Having said that, if you are really worried it is fine to say that your child only travels in a rear facing seat, and you are happier to drive her yourself if the grandparents can't manage that (leaving "or choose not to" unspoken).

We rear-faced our oldest until 3.5. so not as lax as people who say everyone is forward facing by 2, but not as long as many say you should do. He was rear-facing until he was more comfortable/ asking to forward face (following a nasty bit of travel sickness on a hot day).

But I do not understand why people actively push parents to put little children in forward facing seats if the parents want them rear-facing.

Amongst people I know, most people rear-faced their child until somewhere between 2 and 4. There's a few who forward faced from 18 months and a few who rear-faced until 5.

NeedToStopSpendingOnCrap · 30/05/2024 20:31

You have 2 choices. You either say point blank DS is not going FF

Or you suck it up

Mine went ff young because they both have terrible motion sickness. HV suggested ff and no more vomit.
Every journey ended up with vomit rear facing and dd nearly chocked .

Workasateamanddoitmyway · 30/05/2024 20:33

georgiedas · 30/05/2024 20:29

Cannot understand why you would let your children eat in the car. Squished legs aren't an issue if you get seats that can move back to give them more room and they can cross them.

Show quote history

Cannot understand why you would not let your children eat in the car (assuming they are old enough not to choke and you have a mirror to keep an eye on them. Just chose appropriate food). What about on long journeys? Re the mess, that's what dogs are for, surely?

CornishTiger · 30/05/2024 20:41

You can’t account for other road users. I could give you a many horrific examples of an awful outcome for children forward facing in accidents. As someone who campaigned for rear facing to become mainstream in this country I read them all. I still think of those children often.

Your child. Your informed choice.

RadioGaGaRadioGooGoo · 30/05/2024 20:42

DS was RF until 4.5 in a Joie Every Stage, he then hit 18kg so went FF is a Britax with a chest pad and middle bit to stop submarining. The Joie is now in grandparents car for DD who is 2, she's in an Axkid in my car and will stay in that until she reaches the limit. DD loves looking in the mirror and can see loads in her seat.

I have the argument with my dad sometimes as he thinks she' would be ok FF but he knew if he ever put either of them in a car seat I hadn't approved I would stop him seeing them so often and he wouldn't take them out until I could trust him again.

Fridgetapas · 30/05/2024 20:51

Stand your ground OP. Rear facing is so much safer. I’m surprised by so many people saying they don’t as I thought it was very accepted as the safest thing to do. Out of the mum friends I made at baby groups etc I would say we are near enough all still rear facing and our kids are now 2 and a half going on 3.

NameChange30 · 30/05/2024 20:55

I can't believe how many people are banging on about not being able to see your child if they're rear-facing. It's not rocket science. I got a car mirror for the rear headrest when mine were newborns and in infant seats. Still have the mirror there now for DC2 who is 3 and rear-facing. Thanks to the mirror, I can see DC2 much better than DC1 who's forward-facing (age 7 and in a HBB). The angles make it difficult to see a forward-facing child seated behind the passenger.

NewYearNewJob2024 · 30/05/2024 21:19

I would definitely tell her firmly but nicely that you appreciate her getting a seat but you just cannot accept your DC going in it and find another solution.

For those of you who can't picture an older child in a rear facing seat...have a look at some pictures! It's surprising how they manage it just fine! Safety videos also show the impact in car crashes...quite interesting to see how much safer rear facing seats are!

Original poster
Elisabeth3468 · 30/05/2024 21:27

I messaged her to say I won't be happy for her to use that seat for him but will buy her a rear facing seat if needed.

OP posts:
Nopetynope · 30/05/2024 21:29

Workasateamanddoitmyway · 30/05/2024 18:59

She will be of the generation where a carry cot was just put on the back seat like a shopping bag. I remember my younger brother in a carry cot on one side of the back seat and me lying on my back with my legs dangling out of the window on the other. No seatbelts for any of us!

Which generation are you talking about? I am in my late 50s and my parents certainly didn’t do that and I certainly never came across that amongst my many Mum friends in the mid 90s .
I did see a woman today get into the passenger seat with a toddler at the petrol station . She was mid thirties and I was so shocked I commented to the cashier.

WhyamInotvomiting · 30/05/2024 21:31

Elisabeth3468 · 30/05/2024 21:27

I messaged her to say I won't be happy for her to use that seat for him but will buy her a rear facing seat if needed.

I think that's fair enough. I think I probably would have done the same if it had arisen. DC1 rear faced until they were almost 4 and we are intending to do about the same with DC2.

motleymop · 30/05/2024 21:32

AnthuriumCrystallinum · 30/05/2024 20:14

In a rear impact collision the rear-facing child is facing the direction of the impact, the same as a front-facing child in a front impact collision. The only big differences in this situation will be the speed and the deceleration.

For example:
Your car is travelling forwards at 10mph
The car behind drives into you at 30mph
This creates a 20mph impact pushing your car (the front car) forwards
Your car and everything attached to it - including the car seat experience rapid forward acceleration.
Everything unsecured or partially secured does not accelerate forwards at the same speed
In this situation a rear facing child will look the same as a front facing child in a front impact - their head and arms and legs will appear to snap forward, before settling back as the car comes to a (hopefully gradual) stop.

The good news in rear impact is you generally get to decelerate over a distance as the car would normally have space to move forwards, unlike front impact where the deceleration is pretty much instant, with often deadly results.

For example, the same two cars from the above example travelling at 30mph and 10mph but hitting head on will produce a 40mph collision with an almost non existent deceleration range, you would definitely want your child to be rear facing in that scenario!)

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What? If you are hit from behind, the child's head would be buffered by the back of the seat, not thrown backwards.

ByPeachSeal · 30/05/2024 21:33

Frozenblox · 30/05/2024 20:26

We had to switch ours to forward facing for one of ours by 2 as otherwise legs were too long and squished up. I think you’re being OTT but it’s your choice as your child. I also liked to be able to see dc when eating in the car but I suspect you don’t allow them to eat on journeys…/whereas for us by dc2 they were happily munching their happy meals in the back after a trip through the drive through 😁

No, you didn’t have to.

Legs are never a reason to forward face with an appropriate ERF seat - they can easily rear face until 6 or 7 with no issues.

You are also able to purchase a mirror so you can still see your child.

coffeepleeease · 30/05/2024 21:36

I would explain that you are not comfortable with her using the seat. Do not back down! At 2 your child should definitely be rear facing.

Outnumbered83 · 30/05/2024 21:39

I would absolutely not allow her to use the seat. Your child, your rules.
Its proven to be safer to keep them rear facing for as long as possible so its a no brainer.

Pin0cchio · 30/05/2024 21:50

I expected to rear face mine for longer but it consistently made them constantly car sick so both had to swap round at 3ish or so. I get car sick myself if travelling backwards on trains etc.

It does matter what sort of driving is happening. If you are only driving on local roads at low speeds (not higher speed rural roads) the risk of severe injury in a collision is lower.

Pin0cchio · 30/05/2024 21:51

Legs are never a reason to forward face with an appropriate ERF seat - they can easily rear face until 6 or 7 with no issues.

Try fitting a 135cm 7 year old rear facing in a very small car!

Workasateamanddoitmyway · 30/05/2024 21:54

Nopetynope · 30/05/2024 21:29

Which generation are you talking about? I am in my late 50s and my parents certainly didn’t do that and I certainly never came across that amongst my many Mum friends in the mid 90s .
I did see a woman today get into the passenger seat with a toddler at the petrol station . She was mid thirties and I was so shocked I commented to the cashier.

Show quote history

1970s. No seat belts and a carrycot for babies in the back seat. I'm younger than you so your parents were clearly much more sensible than mine if you never lay across the back seat with your legs out of the window as young kids. Although you missed out! Although as previously discussed in those days it wasn't considered dangerous or an irresponsible set-up like it obviously is now. Which was the point I made above, being that times change as knowledge and technology improve.

wizarddry · 30/05/2024 21:55

EsmeSusanOgg · 30/05/2024 19:04

You did not ask her to get a seat. She got it unprompted. You do not have to let your two year old go in her car just because she got a good deal. It can likely be saved until he is older anyway.

This
Plus second hand car seats can be dangerous