Van life request to shower

[Uoyeb]

I have a long-standing friend who is a bit unconventional. He’s never really stuck at any job, is a bit of an artist, always low on cash. He tends to live in short term rentals, often studios or rooms in shared houses. It wouldn’t be a life for me but he seems happy and content with it, so be it.

Rents are increasing and and he recent came into a small inheritance, so he’s decided to buy a van to live in. He’ll fit it out similar to a small camper, sleep / live in the van, and then use toilet facilities that are open to the public, and showers at friends or cheap leisure centres or service stations that have that facility.

He’s asked whether, on the odd occasion, he could use our shower if he’s in the area and there’s nowhere else local to go. I’m not sure how to respond.

How would you respond?

Nope, but I've been burned like this before. It began as a shit, shower and shave, and escalated into a load of washing, charge his devices, throw a bag of rubbish in the bin, eat my food, drink my coffee, and store a load of his crap. I drew the line at using my address for his insurance policy. He then got arsey when I started turning down the previous requests. Never again.

Only you know your friend and how much of a pisstaker he could potentially be. I wouldn't agree to it unless you're assertive enough to refuse if he overstepped boundaries.

Are you being serious? 😆😆😆. How could a shower cost £5?

The marginal cost wouldn’t be £5 - of course not. But if you think about the cost of: fitting the bathroom, the council tax, the heating, the gas bill, the water bill etc etc, then it might be closer than you think to the real cost. (Think of the mileage allowance you get from HMRC and on some expenses policies, which is in the the region of 50p per mile. It’s not just the petrol, but the insurance, the wear on the car etc that’s accounted for in that number.)

I would try and pin him down as to frequency and what is involved in showering, eg does he need towels, toiletries, will he want to chill out after, charge his phone etc. 😂some posters are on another planet

Just say no, or be vague e.g. when you're in the area give me a text to check if I'm around.

Personally the last thing I'd want is someone turning up to use my shower when I was chilling or busy or feeling ill or was entertaining family etc etc

I wouldn't hesitate to do this for a friend, and I'm baffled at anyone who would. I say this as someone for whom money is currently very tight but provided I had hot water I'd be delighted to let a friend use my shower, chuck their clothes in my washing machine and have a cuppa.

That's what friends are for IMO and supporting each other however we can is one of the best things in my life.

It began as a shit, shower and shave, and escalated into a load of washing, charge his devices, throw a bag of rubbish in the bin, eat my food, drink my coffee, and store a load of his crap.

Almost exactly what happened to a mate of mine with a “why would anyone want a boring office job” guy….. And - just as you describe - after a while it becomes an entitlement and isn’t seen as a favour any longer.

I'd be delighted to let a friend use my shower, chuck their clothes in my washing machine and have a cuppa.

Would you honestly not mind if they came round to you every day for a shower, cuppa and to use the washing machine/dry their clothes, leaving a wet towel every time etc?

I would be fine with this a couple of times a year, but there would be a point when it would start to piss me off.

You can buy full shower kits for about £60.
Made by Ridge monkey.

There's also Solar Showers.

And, the most basic van life shower, a bag of water hung up with a shower attachment.

Moochy moocher is mooching from 'friends'
Makes me wonder what would happen if his friends said no? Would they no longer offer a use for him and his friendship would end?

Hey folks here's a story about a Van life Moocher..
He was a lazy workshy moocher..
he had no goals nor job or career
wouldn't even buy his friends a beer..

I’d say bring your own soap and towel. Actually i would want to impose some boundaries. Such as not more than twice a week or only after a certain time of day. But if he’s a proper friend id want to support him.

It seems like the kind thing to do to say yes to a shower, but as others have said it's bound to escalate into "would you mind if I...while I'm here?"

I seriously considered van life a few years ago and no way was I planning on asking friends and family to basically subsidise my lifestyle choice. My plan was to do WWOOF or HelpExchange, and do some unpaid work on small-holdings in exchange for a park up, meals, and facilities such as loo, shower, and washing machine. I think this is something he should consider rather than relying on free help from others in exchange for his company!

You'd really be happy with someone coming twice a week to use your shower? Even on those days you didn't feel upto socialising, had a headache, had family around, had things to do and places to be.

Sorry there's no way I believe that the majority of posters would be so accommodating in reality. Certainly not after the novelty of being kind and helpful wore off.

Why would you feel the need to support him? He's had an inheritance and is living the life of riley

I'd say yes to a friend having a shower once a week, but not more often than that. He'd have to bring his own towel too! But I'd suggest they join the leisure centre for free showers. Come winter he's not going to cope well in the freezing temperatures. I wouldn't let him park on my drive, hooked up to my electrics. How's he going to clean his clothes? Is he going to ask to use your washing machine and dryer too. I'm afraid he hasn't thought it all through at all, and will be taking advantage of friends.

This.

Makes me think about the film The Lady in the Van...

You obviously don't want to OP or you wouldn't have posted here. Be brave, save your sanity in the long run (and further requests pushing for more) and just say no.

You can be nicer about it like "van life sounds exciting, we're planning to be away quite a bit, plus busy with (insert excuses here) so I can't commit to anything but drop me a text when you're in the area for a catch up"

Indeed this. And it's easy for random posters on here to be generous with your water, electricity, food, washing machine, address and whatever it'll turn into. They can easily advise you to say "of course" - because they won't be paying the price if/when this goes south.

I wonder how small the inheritance is and whether he ought to be getting a job and saving the inheritance for a deposit on a small flat. Rather than relying on others. As the above poster points out, this could be the thin end of a very fat wedge.

I would probably not reply to the question about showers at all. You didn't agree and you didn't refuse. So he can't expect a shower or tell you you're a cow for refusing.

He’s a man, so just say no.

And what's his plan for when his inheritance runs out and he can't afford the van repairs/fuel costs? Will the shower then turn into "you don't mind if i stay for a few weeks while I get back on my feet do you?"

Honestly- I don't think I'd mind!

This thread has baffled me, but I think I'm in the minority so have to consider that my views are unusual.

Over the years my friends have always been there for me and have gone above and beyond. I've done the same for them. I have an open door house and friends pop in without warning and I do the same to them.

Last year my husband walked out on me and my friends picked me up and looked out for me until I managed to put myself back together.

Whilst I was at work some of them went to my house, neatly boxed up his stuff, and moved things around a bit so it felt a bit different. I came home to find a full fridge, and a house that no longer felt like H might walk in at any moment.

To top it all off I developed a type of epilepsy in January- my son called an ambulance and one friend who was here like a shot and came in the ambulance with me. Another friend stayed with my DC for 4 nights at my house to help them feel settled until I was discharged. Someone looked after my dog for a few months until I was back on my feet. Over the next few months of outpatient appointments one friend or another always came with me despite me insisting I was fine on my own. All this happened without me once asking for help.

I'm beyond grateful for my friendships and I'd absolutely share my hot water with them without hesitation.

I think the point is that you wouldn't be supporting each other - just you supporting him - because he chooses not to work or pay his way.
How long is that dynamic ok before you get fed up?

I have a similar friend, sort of nomadic, does a bit of work now and again. Claims no benefits at all. Occasionally come to us for a meal and a shower.

He won't get benefits unless he can show he is looking for work.
But it sounds like he does make money through part time work. You can live on very little with this kind of life.

Its a long standing friend, i cant see why not, as long as he doesnt make a habit of it and hes showering there twice a week for the next year. But if hes on his travels and going from place to place and when hes in the area to drop on by, yeah use the shower.

I'd hate this and say no. I must be a terrible friend. But in my experience, things like this end up like the camel and the tent.
Also, the rest of my family would hate this too. Small London house.

I like my DH to shower at the gym and he lives here! He can use the gym's hot water and someone else can clean up the shower at the end of the day.

I agree with this