Van life request to shower

[Uoyeb]

I have a long-standing friend who is a bit unconventional. He’s never really stuck at any job, is a bit of an artist, always low on cash. He tends to live in short term rentals, often studios or rooms in shared houses. It wouldn’t be a life for me but he seems happy and content with it, so be it.

Rents are increasing and and he recent came into a small inheritance, so he’s decided to buy a van to live in. He’ll fit it out similar to a small camper, sleep / live in the van, and then use toilet facilities that are open to the public, and showers at friends or cheap leisure centres or service stations that have that facility.

He’s asked whether, on the odd occasion, he could use our shower if he’s in the area and there’s nowhere else local to go. I’m not sure how to respond.

How would you respond?

Are you being serious? 😆😆😆. How could a shower cost £5? I could never be so incredibly tight with someone who I classed as a friend.

Anyone I know who has done this does not park in a driveway for months.

Why don't you get one then?

As they say-fuck that shit.

If a friend wanted to make money off me by charging £5 a shower they would no longer be a friend.
"based on a 10-minute shower, you can expect to spend 62p per electric shower and 35p per gas shower"

Id have to say no.

In a cost of living crisis, i couldnt afford to subsidise someone else's life choices.

I'd tell him to fuck himself.

Get a van life shower system and stop mooching like a mooching moocher layabout tosser.

If he's really going all out van life then he needs to find his own long-term solution for the showering situation like other van lifers do. There are endless videos online. A lot of them seem to have cheap gym or swimming pool memberships and shower there.
I don't think his long-term solution should be "shower at various friends' houses". It's just not on and it's taking the piss. He doesn't want a conventional place to live or it's too expensive (in which case he could seek other employment so he could afford a flatshare) then he needs to live with the consequences of that and find solutions.
The problem with his showering solution is that it could so easily turn into more than that - he'll most likely ask if he can use the washing machine and drier while showering, then you might invite him for a meal and then it'll be using your wifi and then please can I park on your drive because there's nowhere else locally.

He’s asked whether, on the odd occasion, he could use our shower if he’s in the area and there’s nowhere else local to go. I’m not sure how to respond

Where is he usually based? Is he in your area? Or is he in another part of the country and might occasionally be in your area for work or passing through or whatever?
I'd be very wary if he's been based near you. If he really is just going to be passing through once in a blue moon then that's different.

As long as it was ad-hoc I'd be fine for someone I liked.

I think the use requests will escalate. So I would be very clear, if you agree to anything, that occasional with dinner and company too, is fine. Eg once per month. More would not be OK.

Do also please think about your own family pressures eg elderly needs, work travels, young children illnesses, renovations, family big events - and how that might affect your reply. My mum only this weekend had a younger friend (my sort of age!) come to stay at short notice for 2 nights and she found it exhausting. More the never-ending 1-sided conversation. My mum is having decorating done and she found the 2 events too much. So your life might change from the now and you need to think how you might deal with the friend request then.

I do agree with many of the comments above on the thread about the assumption that others should/could/would support this way of life. Of little contribution, and bigger take.

I actually love the van life idea! But I agree you need to set boundaries here.

There's users and hard workers in the arty hippy community, same as anywhere else.

There was a meditation teacher on a camping trip I was on. I lightly offered to give him a hand.

All us "practical evil corporate types" then ended up putting up his tent whilst he watched.

I'd be reticent to have an arrangement where you become his emergency fall-back plan. What if he's ill, or if he gets cold? He mentions this when over for a shower and/or meal. Or needs to do some maintenance "whilst he is here".

Are you comfortable then offering a bed? How long will it last? Is he then making himself ineligible for benefits if you're supporting him?

What if all his other friends pull back, so you end up being his only stable support?

Maybe you can come to some barter arrangement where he makes some labour contribution in exchange for the shower? Can he find somewhere with facilities - say, a farm, where he makes a small contribution for parking?

Unless you're super rich and really won't notice money going, this could escalate out of control.

Has he actually helped you in any practical way before, or is it more a social thing?

Look up some of the experiences of the Homes for Ukraine hosts on here.

It can be very different feeling altruistic to having someone having access to your personal space.

I think I’d say no, honestly. It would be fine if it was genuinely once in a while but these things always tend to creep up and before long you’ll be asked to provide more than you’re comfortable with.

I like to think I’d do any favour I could to help a friend including giving money and a temporary place to stay but personally I’d draw the line at offering ongoing use of my facilities. He’s an adult who shouldn’t be relying on the generosity of friends to provide the basic needs and comforts of life.

"Sure, give me a bit of notice and we can have dinner together afterwards"

Course you can, give me a couple of hours notice so I can make sure there’s plenty of hot water. Actually, how you fixed next Wednesday? You can use the shower and I’ll do some dinner, Spag Bol ok with you?

I'd agree to the "very odd occasion" and no more.
I'd also suggest that personal hygiene is an absolute basic and he should rethink his van and what facilities he'll need to live in it.

I think I’d be more “sure, and can you give the sink and toilet a go-over while you’re in there? And the mop is just in the cupboard there” and THEN put the kettle on

If it was occasional, and I was in, then yes.

A friend of mine called last week - her washing machine had packed up. She couldn’t get another until the weekend and she’d got into a fix with kids’ school uniforms. So I told her to give me a bag at pickup and I’d stick them in the wash for her. No problem at all. That’s what friends are for.

Now imagine if she said “I don’t think we’ll get a new washing machine - we’d much rather spend the money on a holiday/new car. I’d it okay if you put a wash on for us if we can’t find a launderette?” It’s very different. One is an emergency; the other is a “can I sponge off you from time to
time because I’d rather spend my money on something cooler than white goods”.

I am a cynic about these types of situations. Seen it all before; met a few of the “why would anyone want to work in an office?” sneerers who sofa surfed around on everyone else’s rent payments (paid for from their office jobs). It’s a calculated plan to have others subsidise his lifestyle.

It's nice to be generous and support friends, however for me, this guy needs to sort out his basic hygiene infrastructure. I guess that's what he is trying to do by asking you though.

Relying on friends on a regular basis becomes onesided and creates resentment, unless some form of reciprocity is agreed.

Only you know him well enough to foresee whether these support requests would snowball.

I would try and pin him down as to frequency and what is involved in showering, eg does he need towels, toiletries, will he want to chill out after, charge his phone etc. Then you will gain a clearer idea and determine if it feels fair and reasonable to you.

This.

So he’s going to live a layabout lifestyle & rely on his hardworking friends to provide hot water & showers. I would be more than happy helping someone who had to do this short term, but mooching as a lifestyle choice would piss me off.

I don’t work for fun, I do it to provide hot water, food & a roof over my family’s head.

Good explanation of the pitfalls of the situation and the difference between helping out a friend who needs help short term and someone taking the piss.

This thread would yield much more accurate voting intention data than any of the threads asking the question directly.

Ok £2 and he brings his own toiletries

Why not a van with a shower in it..a lwb would have space. Then he would only need water filling and grey water disposal.