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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my view of him is forever changed after this comment?

137 replies

Henry888 · 30/05/2024 12:49

Ex has always paid on time and reasonably fairly for dc, age 2.5. His baseline maintenance is quite high but never covered half of nursery so he paid half after I asked and said I couldn’t afford 1,600 a month myself on top of all DC’s other costs. (No I don’t consider him a hero for doing this but factually he paid it and did the right thing). He doesn’t have dc overnight - his choice.

We recently had an argument about the cost for dc to attend a toddler swim class. He was keen for dc to do this, as was I. I said I would find classes and then told him the cost and asked for half. He got quite nasty and said I was money grabbing and that he already contributes to nursery so that I can go to work. I queried what he meant by that, given that dc is half his… he said he lives with me and he is enabling me to go to work by paying half. I said he lives with me because he, he did, can’t be bothered with caring for his son half the time. He didn’t respond.

I don’t know why this has bothered me so much and I know as a matter of fact it’s neither here nor there as he’s not my partner (thankfully). I feel my view of him is forever changed. I thought he was ok, better than most but actually he’s just a misogynistic pig isn’t he? Am I being dramatic?

OP posts:
palmroyale · 30/05/2024 12:53

He sounds like an arse and it's a good job he is an ex!

Graciiee · 30/05/2024 12:56

If the maintenance he already pays is quite high, is he just annoyed that you're asking for more when maybe what he already pays could be factored in? But yeah the comments about paying for nursery were not the way to bring that up.

LauderSyme · 30/05/2024 12:57

It's amazing how, when you scratch the surface of many 'modern' men, you find that they think childcare and homemaking are women's work and are all that women are good for really.

Busbusbusbusbus · 30/05/2024 13:03

When i asked my ex for maintenance he said “you don't have kids to get paid for it!” I never asked him gor any money again after that. Personally i wouldnt ask him for extras again sounds like hes already paying quite a lot.

Foxblue · 30/05/2024 13:26

Yep, a misogynist. I'm sure someone will come along in a minute to tell you that their ex pays £30 a month for 3 kids and you are being grabby though.
You are BOTH paying for childcare so you can BOTH WORK because your child exists 100% of the time, the dick.

Henry888 · 30/05/2024 13:27

@Graciiee possibly, but I still pay 60% of nursery so anything extra surely should be split.

im just really sad he’s said this as I can’t help but see him as incredibly sexist. I’ve lost all respect, it’s made my skin crawl. I never thought he was like that when we were together.

OP posts:
Henry888 · 30/05/2024 13:28

@Busbusbusbusbus wow what a shitty comment! I have been shocked at things I’ve heard since splitting from DC’s dad

OP posts:
TeenLifeMum · 30/05/2024 13:29

He’s your ex for a reason. Just eye roll and ignore. Don’t give it any energy.

FawnFrenchieMum · 30/05/2024 13:31

Going against the grain here, honestly if you’re getting maintenance and half towards childcare then you should probably use that for swimming classes and not ask for more.

Cherry8809 · 30/05/2024 13:34

FawnFrenchieMum · 30/05/2024 13:31

Going against the grain here, honestly if you’re getting maintenance and half towards childcare then you should probably use that for swimming classes and not ask for more.

x2

Just pay for the swimming lessons

Henry888 · 30/05/2024 13:36

FawnFrenchieMum · 30/05/2024 13:31

Going against the grain here, honestly if you’re getting maintenance and half towards childcare then you should probably use that for swimming classes and not ask for more.

@FawnFrenchieMum

no he pays maintenance and a bit extra so that that in total comes to half the childcare bill.

that leaves zero from him for DC’s day to day cost

OP posts:
Henry888 · 30/05/2024 13:36

Cherry8809 · 30/05/2024 13:34

x2

Just pay for the swimming lessons

@Cherry8809 please see my reply above

OP posts:
Mumofteenandtween · 30/05/2024 13:38

Henry888 · 30/05/2024 13:36

@FawnFrenchieMum

no he pays maintenance and a bit extra so that that in total comes to half the childcare bill.

that leaves zero from him for DC’s day to day cost

So you pay:-

To house ds
To feed ds
To clothe ds
Every other thing that ds needs or wants at all times
Half the childcare

He pays:-
Half the childcare

NCA24 · 30/05/2024 13:38

Seriously can't believe the responses here. Detail all the costs that are needed to cover your DS and ask him for half. Fuck this shit. I don't see why women continually feel like they should be grateful to men who don't even cover half the costs to raise their children. We as a society need to be much more brutal with this crap.

Henry888 · 30/05/2024 13:40

Mumofteenandtween · 30/05/2024 13:38

So you pay:-

To house ds
To feed ds
To clothe ds
Every other thing that ds needs or wants at all times
Half the childcare

He pays:-
Half the childcare

@Mumofteenandtween

yep. And he’s said that he pays that to enable ME to work

OP posts:
Busbusbusbusbus · 30/05/2024 13:41

NCA24 · 30/05/2024 13:38

Seriously can't believe the responses here. Detail all the costs that are needed to cover your DS and ask him for half. Fuck this shit. I don't see why women continually feel like they should be grateful to men who don't even cover half the costs to raise their children. We as a society need to be much more brutal with this crap.

You can ask but he only needs to pay what the cm calculator tells him to.

alwaysmovingforwards · 30/05/2024 13:41

FawnFrenchieMum · 30/05/2024 13:31

Going against the grain here, honestly if you’re getting maintenance and half towards childcare then you should probably use that for swimming classes and not ask for more.

To build on this you haven’t mentioned your ex financial situation. He’s already down to living off £50 / wk for all we know. Maybe between you there’s not enough for swimming lessons on top. Yes, I support you’ll think it’s a life skill and should be a priority.
But the first question is can we mutually afford it right now.
The second question is how the bill is split.
So I do you you’re presumptive just jumping to the second question and taking issue with the response.

FOJN · 30/05/2024 13:43

Henry888 · 30/05/2024 13:40

@Mumofteenandtween

yep. And he’s said that he pays that to enable ME to work

And you look after his child to enable him to work.

I think your initial post might have confused some posters. It sounded like he was paying maintenance and half of the childcare fees not that he topped up his maintenance to the equivalent of half the childcare costs.

Redruby2020 · 30/05/2024 13:43

So your ex lives with you?
Or have I got that wrong.

Also does he work too, I assume so, so nursery fees help you both work then. Because a lot of these types of men don't see it like that. They see it as the child/ren live with you. And that if you work it's your job to go to work and rush around dropping and collecting even if it is later because of work hours and childcare hours.
But they see it as their week is their own to get on with work and not their problem lol, this is one of a million of reasons why my ex is my ex too.

Sablecat · 30/05/2024 13:49

So the total amount he pays covers half of the childcare bill. The OP has to cover all the other expenses - you know for food, heating, clothes and toys for their shared child. And now some posters think she should also pay for swimming lessons by herself? On top of all the other expenses she is covering. You actually think she is being unreasonable.

MILTOBE · 30/05/2024 13:49

Busbusbusbusbus · 30/05/2024 13:03

When i asked my ex for maintenance he said “you don't have kids to get paid for it!” I never asked him gor any money again after that. Personally i wouldnt ask him for extras again sounds like hes already paying quite a lot.

So that was job done, for him, wasn't it?

You should go through Child Support and get what you are owed. Nobody should get away without paying for their own child.

MILTOBE · 30/05/2024 13:50

I can never understand why childcare costs don't have to be split as well as someone paying child maintenance. Why should women have to pay the full cost?

Busbusbusbusbus · 30/05/2024 13:52

MILTOBE · 30/05/2024 13:49

So that was job done, for him, wasn't it?

You should go through Child Support and get what you are owed. Nobody should get away without paying for their own child.

it's £7 a week through child maintenance and I'm not claiming that it pays for nothing. But I will never ask him for money ever again.

Codlingmoths · 30/05/2024 13:53

I’d turn up Sunday night with ds and a bag and say sweetly I’ll ask the childcare to send you the bank details form, if you’re lucky I’ll contribute to support your going to work. And walk out.

i wouldn’t necessarily leave ds there, they depends on how crap a dad he is and what ds would think.

Moreorlessmentallystable · 30/05/2024 14:17

Henry888 · 30/05/2024 13:36

@FawnFrenchieMum

no he pays maintenance and a bit extra so that that in total comes to half the childcare bill.

that leaves zero from him for DC’s day to day cost

He needs to pay half the childcare bill and half the child costs (including swimming lessons if you both agree in DC going)

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