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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my view of him is forever changed after this comment?

137 replies

Henry888 · 30/05/2024 12:49

Ex has always paid on time and reasonably fairly for dc, age 2.5. His baseline maintenance is quite high but never covered half of nursery so he paid half after I asked and said I couldn’t afford 1,600 a month myself on top of all DC’s other costs. (No I don’t consider him a hero for doing this but factually he paid it and did the right thing). He doesn’t have dc overnight - his choice.

We recently had an argument about the cost for dc to attend a toddler swim class. He was keen for dc to do this, as was I. I said I would find classes and then told him the cost and asked for half. He got quite nasty and said I was money grabbing and that he already contributes to nursery so that I can go to work. I queried what he meant by that, given that dc is half his… he said he lives with me and he is enabling me to go to work by paying half. I said he lives with me because he, he did, can’t be bothered with caring for his son half the time. He didn’t respond.

I don’t know why this has bothered me so much and I know as a matter of fact it’s neither here nor there as he’s not my partner (thankfully). I feel my view of him is forever changed. I thought he was ok, better than most but actually he’s just a misogynistic pig isn’t he? Am I being dramatic?

OP posts:
Kjpt140v · 31/05/2024 22:07

LauderSyme · 30/05/2024 12:57

It's amazing how, when you scratch the surface of many 'modern' men, you find that they think childcare and homemaking are women's work and are all that women are good for really.

Rubbish

Pippetypoppity · 31/05/2024 23:37

We’ll what a twat!

Takenoprisoner · 01/06/2024 00:08

Mumofteenandtween · 30/05/2024 13:38

So you pay:-

To house ds
To feed ds
To clothe ds
Every other thing that ds needs or wants at all times
Half the childcare

He pays:-
Half the childcare

Add in all the physical, practical and emotional hard work of parenting, the mental load, all the gruntwork, all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, stressing, worrying, arranging of appointments, taking time off for sicknesses/appointments, the toll on your own physical and mental health, the being on call 24/7, the impact on your career prospects, and social life.....

When you don't have an involved coparent, ie, one not doing an equal share of parenting, their maintenance is never going to be anything other than a drop in the ocean. Someone needs to cost how much single parents actual do do, and bill the non resident parent accordingly.

Men who don't have their dc overnights should be prosecuted for neglect, as should absent fathers. But that will never happen because society sees childrearing as a women's work.

Thalia31 · 01/06/2024 01:43

Busbusbusbusbus · 30/05/2024 13:03

When i asked my ex for maintenance he said “you don't have kids to get paid for it!” I never asked him gor any money again after that. Personally i wouldnt ask him for extras again sounds like hes already paying quite a lot.

And you just allowed that? Unbelievable

pineapplesundae · 01/06/2024 11:56

Personally, I would pay for the swim class without asking for half.

mewkins · 01/06/2024 12:44

Busbusbusbusbus · 31/05/2024 12:38

I'm fine accepting I will never get anything off him he hasn't worked (officially) in 8 years. Sometimes for your mental health you have to let things go I know I will never see any money off him he's set himself up perfectly to never need to pay I'm not fighting a losing battle.

That's fair enough. I'm sure your children will appreciate everything you do to support them even though they have one useless parent. X

Redty10 · 01/06/2024 17:05

PurpleBugz · 30/05/2024 20:45

The attitude to mothers from both men and women's is disappointing. Of course you are not unreasonable to be pissed off with his comments but as you can see here the reality is society thinks you are lucky he pays more then the CMS minimum. Rock the boat and he could pay less so I'd advise don't rock the boat. I have a similar ex pays more than the minimum but not half the cost of the child- everybody I know in real life thinks I'm ungrateful and money grabbing- I'm not even bringing it up but people think it's acceptable to ask single mothers if the dad pays maintenance if you say anything other than 'yes I'm so lucky he is so generous!' People judge. It's like society gaslighting you.

There can be another side to this! My DH has 3 children with his ex. He pays a reasonable amount of maintenance, half the mortgage on their family home, rent for us, plus half to all the extras his ex asks him for.
He wants to have the children 50% of the time but his ex won’t let him and keeps it at 5-6 nights a fortnight unless she has plans and then she is happy for him to have them extra. He takes them on holiday every year and tries his best to be a good dad.
Under CMS he would need to pay his ex approx 1.2k a month, is 2.4k per month really needed for 3 children? The CMS calculator is purely based on what the non resident parent earns not what a child needs so yes often the amount can be woefully low, but equally can be a ridiculous amount that covers a lot more than 50% child costs. The whole system needs over hauling to be fairer to all. Dads deserve to move on with their lives too.

BirthdayRainbow · 01/06/2024 17:44

Whothefuckdoesthat · 31/05/2024 15:23

Why is she in the wrong for declining to fill in a million forms to beg her ex to pay less that £2 per child each week? Why isn’t he in the wrong for not putting it in an envelope and putting it through her letterbox each week? Or opening up a bank account for each child so he can present them with a contribution towards a car/further studies etc when they reach 18? She’s not the one who should be shamed here, he is.

Oh he's absolutely in the wrong but I was answering the poster.

He's clearly a twat.

Nanny0gg · 01/06/2024 17:47

Henry888 · 30/05/2024 13:27

@Graciiee possibly, but I still pay 60% of nursery so anything extra surely should be split.

im just really sad he’s said this as I can’t help but see him as incredibly sexist. I’ve lost all respect, it’s made my skin crawl. I never thought he was like that when we were together.

Is it through CMS?

Is it correct?

Bibi12 · 01/06/2024 23:08

Nanny0gg · 01/06/2024 17:47

Is it through CMS?

Is it correct?

Child support in UK is extremely low compared to other countries and doesn't take into account individual cost of raising a child.
The whole system was built on assumption that a mother would go on benefits and priority should be given to the father being able to move on.

PurpleBugz · 01/06/2024 23:30

@Takenoprisoner
"Men who don't have their dc overnights should be prosecuted for neglect, as should absent fathers. But that will never happen because society sees childrearing as a women's work."

I have a disabled child with no school place and needs so high no childcare will take him. I've had no choice but to give up work. Desperate for help I asked my son's social worker if he could put some pressure on ex to give me a break- I wasn't even asking for long term just a break because I was drowning. Social worker said they couldn't really as dad works and it would be inconvenient for him. Ex works part time he would even have to take parental leave to give me a break, although as a parent he could have taken leave i happen to know his company pay full pay for a certain amount. Also ex can't be expected to visit any potential schools as he works but he gets equal say to me on which school to choose should we ever find a school that could meet need. Ive literally lost everything to care for this child. The inequality in expectations between the sexes is just staggering

Takenoprisoner · 02/06/2024 16:57

@PurpleBugz I'm so sorry you find yourself in that position. That makes me so angry on your behalf. You deserve all the support, yet aren't getting any. we as a society don't care about women at all. We're so so far from being equal with men it's hard to believe.

I'm sending you lots of love, I hope that's not too weird for you. ❤️

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