To think my view of him is forever changed after this comment?

[Henry888]

Ex has always paid on time and reasonably fairly for dc, age 2.5. His baseline maintenance is quite high but never covered half of nursery so he paid half after I asked and said I couldn’t afford 1,600 a month myself on top of all DC’s other costs. (No I don’t consider him a hero for doing this but factually he paid it and did the right thing). He doesn’t have dc overnight - his choice.

We recently had an argument about the cost for dc to attend a toddler swim class. He was keen for dc to do this, as was I. I said I would find classes and then told him the cost and asked for half. He got quite nasty and said I was money grabbing and that he already contributes to nursery so that I can go to work. I queried what he meant by that, given that dc is half his… he said he lives with me and he is enabling me to go to work by paying half. I said he lives with me because he, he did, can’t be bothered with caring for his son half the time. He didn’t respond.

I don’t know why this has bothered me so much and I know as a matter of fact it’s neither here nor there as he’s not my partner (thankfully). I feel my view of him is forever changed. I thought he was ok, better than most but actually he’s just a misogynistic pig isn’t he? Am I being dramatic?

It amazes me how many women agree too.

Tell him he pays for childcare to enable him to do as little parenting as possible. If he wants the child to go swimming, let him organise and sort it. Does he have a contact schedule?

Fucking mind boggling isn't it🙄

Is this court ordered maintenance?
Several points, if not court ordered you could pretty much just go over his head and get actual maintenance - including childcare taken directly from his wages BUT if he is as awful as he sounds (even just the "doesn't want his own child over night" is incredibly concerning) and he does any research he will find that he can pay NOTHING if he takes the child for slightly less than 50% of the time. Now whilst I personally wouldn't give a fig about losing the money I'd be horribly concerned on him taking the child for over nights 50% of the time - he doesn't seem like he wants the child therefore the chances of him looking after the child to an acceptable standard are low/non existent and the chances of neglect or abuse are actually quite high based on that particular scenario. Research on this issue reveals some horrible length parents (mainly dads not wanting to pay for mums "nails and fake tan or Starbucks" 🙄) have went to, to ensure they keep their cash.

With regards to the opinion you hold of him....he argues the pennies and pounds for a child's existence - your opinion on him is valid - I can guarantee he boasts to those around him about paying you and never mentions these disagreements or comments he makes. 🤡🗑

He won't even have his child over night.
He is pure trash.
His comment supports how severely warped his view of his place in this scenario is.

As you can see from some of the responses on here, if a man pays the bare minimujm, he's considered a prince. And you are graby if you ask for more.

Morally, you are 100% correct. But sadly, you don't have any room to argue.

yep. And he’s said that he pays that to enable ME to work
It's unlikely to work but you could try responding with, "well, if I didn't work, your DS would not be able to live int he house he lives in or enjoy the life he lives...."

exBIL hasn't paid a cent ever. SIL is, for various reasons, fine with this. But what never ceases to amaze me is that a) he doesn't seem to feel guilty/bad about this and b) she thinks because he's struggled, this is reasonable. it's so odd.

He only has to pay 15% of his income. Anything above this is a bonus (speaking factually)

also, let's not forget she also does ALL the childcare when he's not actually at nursery. I mean, possiblt this man takes his ds for an outing now and again, but with no overnights, she's doing all the meal prep, or the bath and bed time routines, all the admin around him. All the night wakings. All the sick days etc etc etc.

The bar for me is so sickingly low.

Some of these responses..! Why do too many women set the bar so low with men.

I would have thought he pays maintenance monthly for the agreed amount. If then you book him an activity in your time then you pay…. Be it a day out at a theme park, a present for a party, music class or swimming. Conversely it he books a football class on his day he pays. He doesn’t then dock you half the cost of football from his maintenance.

it’s an agreed amount. Not transactional you can’t submit additional ‘expenses’.

Ask if he'd prefer doing 50/50, instead.

It will cost him the same- childcare for half the week.

@GerbilsForever24 it baffles me how op is getting told this crap yet in another thread they'd be baying for his blood. God knows what the cutoff point is 🤷

Why the hell did you let your ex get away with that? You just meekly rolled over and let him get away with paying nothing for his own kids, after all he'd done more than enough graciously providing you with the sperm to create them?!

Or am I missing something here?

Sadly, I see lots and lots of threads in which the view is if he pays CMS, then that's it, she should be grateful. Particlarly frustrating considering how often theman is the significantly higher earner.

Itseems that a load of men just really aren't that arsed about their own kids - certainly not if it eats into their own money/standard of living. I found it hard to get my head round, but increasingly I just don't think men care about their kids the same way women do. (This may draw some fire but let's face it the number of posts on MN about shit dads and dads dodging childcare, not to mention the fact that I've first hand experience of it myself, does strongly support my case here).

Yes the fact that there's nothing I could do about it because through the cms he is only made to pay £7 a week. I'm not going to beg him for money if that's what you are suggesting? I will hold my head high and not let him think I would beg him for money I have more dignity than that as if I would ever beg him for money he wouldn't get the satisfaction of thinking I needed his money.

It's not about gratitude it's about what is an obligation and what is extra. The CMS calculator will tell you the minimum expected, anything on top is a gesture of goodwill.

As hard as it is his legal obligation is CMS only and not even the half the nursery so to some extent its great he agreed to pay that half too. So whilst you can but ask he is legally entitled to say no because his half share is deemed to be covered in the maintenance when the reality is we knkw it often doesn't cover their half of expenses.

It shouldn't be the case that the man is the significantly higher earner these days. I would say it probably was historically but not for the younger women these days

he is enabling me to go to work by paying half.

And you are enabling your Ex to go to work by paying the other half.
What he says is very sexist. Hopefully his actions by paying half will keep on being better than that.

Oh I totally get that! What a shit situation though, it's insane that he's only expected to pay £7 a week. The system is so messed up.

Ah ok I misunderstood your original post. In that case then yes yours points valid.

The minimum expected is shit. And we all know it. And a "gesture of goodwill"? Quite frankly, you'd think that a man would want his children to live a comfortable and happy life. But too often, if the woman dares to go to the pub, have her hair done or go on a holiday the attitude is, "well, why should i pay for her to do these things". The irony of the man saying this while on his 6th pint in the pub on a mates golfing holiday to spain is never, of course, noticed.

Most recent data shows that:
Average earnings by age and gender

• Men earn more than women for full-time work in every age range


• The gender pay gap was 7.7% in April 2023* (down slightly from 8.3% in April 2022)


• There remains a large difference in the gender pay gap between employees aged between 30 and 59


• Compared with lower-paid employees, higher earners experience a much larger difference in hourly pay between the sexes.

Also, in my original post my point was how frustrating this ridiculous resistant to paying from men is, particularly when they are higher earners.

Can you afford to pay for the lessons and do you want to (or would you rather pay for something else)?. If you can't pay or it's not a high priority for you don't do the lessons

Having said that swimming is a vital life skill so worth prioritising over other things just for age around age 4 to 7 until they can swim confidently- unless school had a year or two of weekly lessons.

Edit Have just seen DC is a toddler so I would wait until age 4 or 5 when they mostly learn to swim.

This is an interesting take and one my sil shares. She also speaks ill of women who dare take money from a man. She would take it if offered though or she could go through CMS. She has no more dignity than a woman who receives thousands from her children's father. She says stuff about keeping her dignity because it's less embarrassing than admitting that he doesn't want to give her anything and is a shit dad (not saying this is why you do).
The OP is absolutely in the right to ask for this money. He does NOTHING else. Good on her for trying to hold him to some sort of standard.
Let's not tell her she should be grateful for the money he does provide because its plenty eh?