To think my view of him is forever changed after this comment?

[Henry888]

Ex has always paid on time and reasonably fairly for dc, age 2.5. His baseline maintenance is quite high but never covered half of nursery so he paid half after I asked and said I couldn’t afford 1,600 a month myself on top of all DC’s other costs. (No I don’t consider him a hero for doing this but factually he paid it and did the right thing). He doesn’t have dc overnight - his choice.

We recently had an argument about the cost for dc to attend a toddler swim class. He was keen for dc to do this, as was I. I said I would find classes and then told him the cost and asked for half. He got quite nasty and said I was money grabbing and that he already contributes to nursery so that I can go to work. I queried what he meant by that, given that dc is half his… he said he lives with me and he is enabling me to go to work by paying half. I said he lives with me because he, he did, can’t be bothered with caring for his son half the time. He didn’t respond.

I don’t know why this has bothered me so much and I know as a matter of fact it’s neither here nor there as he’s not my partner (thankfully). I feel my view of him is forever changed. I thought he was ok, better than most but actually he’s just a misogynistic pig isn’t he? Am I being dramatic?

Swimming lessons are one of the most important things for a child to learn and not cheap.

He shouldn't begrudge paying and I don't blame you for feeling the way you do.

These are the type of men who tell potential new gfs what great dads they are.

He doesn’t even have his own child overnight and only pays for half of his nursery fees and he’s implying you’re a money grabber!

So he’d rather his child didn’t have swimming lessons just because you don’t want to pay all of it by yourself.

Im not surprised he’s an ex.

Don’t tell him about the swimming lessons (I would pay for them just don’t tell him) and stop having so much contact with him.

If he wants to be involved then he can see his child more and if he wants him to learn to swim then he’ll have to take him himself.

I agree with you.

I have found out that my STBEH is refusing to give the children we have at university any money over the summer and then from next term will be giving one child nothing and the other, less. He lives with mummy so doesn't even buy his own food. He's done a lot that makes me despise him but I can't believe how he's treating the kids.

The child is both yours. He needs to pay half of everything it costs to bring up the child. Maybe ask him for 125k now as apparently it costs 1/2 million up to aged 18. Maybe a few quid for a vital life skill suddenly won't seem so bad.

So yes u30 seems to be where it isn't which is progress. And going forward should even itself out more.

Does his maintenance money not cover swimming lessons etc though? Especially if he’s paying towards nursery fees on top of maintenance?

It sounds like you’re in a pretty fortunate position if that is the case.

Just read your update that he’s increased maintenance to cover more of the nursery fees.

Whilst I still think you’re in a better position than most (not that that’s right as women seem to get the short end of the stick with maintenance and childcare costs), I think he should offer to contribute towards the swimming lessons

why comment if you can't be arsed to read the whole thread?

a lot of posters are assuming that this prince among men is paying child maintenance every month PLUS an extra £800 towards the nursery fees.

but from what the OP's told us, he's actually only contributing around 40% of the cost of the nursery (i.e. around £650/month) and nothing else.
at all....
and it sounds like he doesn't actually take any responsibility for anything else to do with raising this toddler - if the child's too ill to go to nursery, i bet it's his mum who has to take time off work to look after them.

if you use the CMS calculator, how much does it say he should be paying, as a minimum? it would be wise to think about how/when to ask for this, as he is sounding like the sort of man whose contribution mght suddenly drop to zero when the child starts school (no nursery fees any more, you see)

I'm happy to be a fool and not claim £7 a week and for your information he didn't have to pay it as he was in debts so they couldn't take the money off him so I closed the claim.

I have 4 children it's not for 1 child so it's more like £1,75 a week I'm happy not to claim that it's a packet of crisps a week!

"Well that's very good of you to pay to allow me to work so that I can pay for everything for our child."

I can't read so many comments suggesting a mother just be grateful for an underwhelming, piddling bit of child support without offering an example of what a good dad looks like, in my ex.

My ex has a severe mental health condition, so on paper/according to prejudice and stereotypes might look like a poor choice of mate. He is my ex because I did find it difficult to be his carer as well as a new mother and we argued a lot.

Now we're separated and co-parenting we get on much better.

He's not expected to pay maintenance because he's on disability benefits. He gives me £15 a week towards expenses nevertheless. He also pays, when and what he can, towards clothes, toys, school stuff, music lessons, sports/activities, haircuts, you name it. He's unable to travel, so I take DC on holidays and day trips...ex gives DC spending money for these and sometimes (if I need it) pays towards train fares, plus towards accommodation for holidays.

He looks after DC one evening a week when I'm working late and, depending on his health, two out of three weekends.

We have to be flexible, because his illness fluctuates, but we work round each other's situations to do what's best for DC.

If one of us is short of money the other pays extra (e.g. when ex's p.i.p. application got mixed up, I paid for things while helping him find an advocate etc.).

I think this is what we should be expecting as a basic, given standard from all exes (obviously depending on what they can afford).

It's ridiculous that so many men who don't have the difficulties and disadvantages my ex has in life refuse to care for their children. They should be ashamed of themselves.

Oh and he also very kindly does loads of cleaning about once a month when he visits, as he knows I'm rubbish at it and exhausted after work! :)

The attitude to mothers from both men and women's is disappointing. Of course you are not unreasonable to be pissed off with his comments but as you can see here the reality is society thinks you are lucky he pays more then the CMS minimum. Rock the boat and he could pay less so I'd advise don't rock the boat. I have a similar ex pays more than the minimum but not half the cost of the child- everybody I know in real life thinks I'm ungrateful and money grabbing- I'm not even bringing it up but people think it's acceptable to ask single mothers if the dad pays maintenance if you say anything other than 'yes I'm so lucky he is so generous!' People judge. It's like society gaslighting you.

Your son would be traumatised by this for life. To be abandoned with a dad he never spends a night with just so you can play "cool ex" on the internet? Don't believe a word of it - no one with their child's best interests at heart would do this.

This made me laugh. Spot on!

1. i clearly said I wouldn’t necessarily leave him there overnight? Just because of these comments
2. children usually have their first overnight with dad much earlier than this in separated situations and don’t get traumatised. Leaving him for a night is not necessarily traumatising him, it’s normal life and he is his dad. It’s not ‘abandoned’ ffs, its ’in the range of the minimum contact any court would order with a father’

I can't read so many comments suggesting a mother just be grateful for an underwhelming, piddling bit of child support without offering an example of what a good dad looks like, in my ex.

her ex pays a fair sum towards nursery fees which is money she doesn't need to spend from her own income. It's not really a "piddling bit of child support", I'd reserve that term for parents who get nothing/£7pw from their exes.

So he should get a gold star? Fuck that.

He didn't pay half the nursery fees and half of all other costs, though, which is the minimum one would expect. Pretty piddling.

No need to lowest common denominator here. It’s piddling. When you do no overnights , and don’t pay half the costs, and think your child should do swimming but nothing about organising or paying for it is your responsibility, you’re shit.

This.

Yes to all this, PLUS the pension gender gap. Research in Ireland released this week illustrates that women would need to work an additional eight years to match men’s pension pot.

https://www.breakingnews.ie/ireland/women-must-work-eight-extra-years-to-achieve-same-pension-pot-as-men-report-1631657.html

Plus … this will only get worse. Does he not want his child to learn to swim, join clubs, go on school trips, get driving lessons, …?

How many more years of childcare do you need, and does the ex plan to scale back as your DD gets older?

Personally I'd go through CMS and take that £7 a week. That's not begging.

I didn't say it was I said I wouldn't ask him directly for money again after his comment (I know he is earning on the side which is why I asked) but my mental health is worth more than £7 so will let it go

This is partly why men do want they do, because women support them and won't even support women who try and get equality when it comes to the cost of raising a child.
So sad.