To think my view of him is forever changed after this comment?

[Henry888]

Ex has always paid on time and reasonably fairly for dc, age 2.5. His baseline maintenance is quite high but never covered half of nursery so he paid half after I asked and said I couldn’t afford 1,600 a month myself on top of all DC’s other costs. (No I don’t consider him a hero for doing this but factually he paid it and did the right thing). He doesn’t have dc overnight - his choice.

We recently had an argument about the cost for dc to attend a toddler swim class. He was keen for dc to do this, as was I. I said I would find classes and then told him the cost and asked for half. He got quite nasty and said I was money grabbing and that he already contributes to nursery so that I can go to work. I queried what he meant by that, given that dc is half his… he said he lives with me and he is enabling me to go to work by paying half. I said he lives with me because he, he did, can’t be bothered with caring for his son half the time. He didn’t respond.

I don’t know why this has bothered me so much and I know as a matter of fact it’s neither here nor there as he’s not my partner (thankfully). I feel my view of him is forever changed. I thought he was ok, better than most but actually he’s just a misogynistic pig isn’t he? Am I being dramatic?

Isn’t it a bloody good job that the OP is not also consulting the calculator based on her own salary and informing her child a week or so into the month that she’d used up that month’s obliged payment on new school shoes, but that she’s prepared to continue throwing her the odd crust of bread and letting her watch CBeebies as ‘a gesture of goodwill’?

@Henry888

Mumofteenandtween
So you pay:-

To house ds
To feed ds
To clothe ds
Every other thing that ds needs or wants at all times
Half the childcare

He pays:-
Half the childcare

@Mumofteenandtween

yep. And he’s said that he pays that to enable ME to work

Have you pointed the above out to him? Clearly and simply?

I'm not speaking for the op I would go through cm if he earned a decent amount so it's not about not taking money for me it's about not begging my ex for money as ops ex is a HE no reason she can't go through cms if it's more. And people have questioned why I no longer ask my ex for money so I've answered.

Exactly this. The mum is expected to spend every last penny of her money on the children. God forbid that she spend £25 of her wages getting her nails done. Of course it’s the ex partner who assumes he’s paying for that, completely forgetting that what he pays goes nowhere near meeting 50% of the child’s expenses, because a calculator tells him that he’s a wonderful and responsible parent for paying his £7 a week. The men who do this are utterly shit.

His legal obligation and his moral obligation are very different. I think morally and physically he so ve doing much more.

I really think it depends on how much money he has and whether he can afford it. Yes his response was shitty but maybe he's stressed about money?
If he's actually comfortably off then of course, that's a different matter.
I'm no expert but I thought the CM payments were based on what the dad can afford? So if he's already paying more than the CM calculated maybe he can't afford more.
Even if you think you know his financial situation it's possible he has money pressures you don't know about.
Just to add, we taught our kids to swim to save money. If it's not jointly affordable then there's always that option.

Well he totally over reacted. I would have responded to him 'a simple no would have been fine'

So he's contributing half nursery fees, nothing towards housing, clothing, feeding or transport for the child, nor is he providing any caring responsibilities for his child. Of course he's a pig. Sorry OP. Mums are s-heros imo, your DC will realise this one day. That doesn't mean you shouldn't be angry now- you should and we should be angry with the society that enables this.

More fool you. You're putting your pride above your child's money.

£7 a week is an embarrassment I agree, but save it and you can hand your future 18yo £6.5K to get them started in life.

Agree with this post ^ Sorry OP

She's not getting that though. He only covers half of the childcare costs in total.

It should be that the shame and lack of dignity is directed to the non resident parent that won't pay or fiddles it so they pay a pittance towards their child that is being looked after by the main carer.

There is no shame in demanding funds from the man you made a child with, he should be ashamed that he has been caught lacking so poorly you've had to ask ( not beg ask ) He should be shamed by everyone around him, the fact he is not tells you about who runs our society still.

Do you receive child benefit or UC ?

When I was a single parent, I paid for the children’s activities from child maintenance and my own money. I didn’t ask for more-isn’t that what child maintenance is for?

Sorry have just read he doesn’t pay. Does dc live with you? Surely he needs to lay a percentage from his salary for child maintenance? You need more than half the cost of swimming lessons.

Hes paying £800 pcm for 1 child, is that correct?

Going against the grain here, honestly if you’re getting maintenance and half towards childcare then you should probably use that for swimming classes and not ask for more.

Really? A father should be happy and willing to pay for his child's swimming lessons which are a life saver and brings much joy.

Am I getting this right? Your ex pays close to half the £1600, so around £800, which go to pay nursery fees. All of it. He does not contribute to care for his child overnight. So all taking to nursery, collecting, feeding falls on you. You say he does not contribute to your DSC other expenses, like clothes, stationary, shoes ( what about toys?)
Well, if what I understood is the right thing, I cannot fanthom why some people are saying that you already take quite a lot and not to ask for more. He should be paying for half of everything. Also, bonding with DC, but maybe it is better if he does not IYKWIM. That is, if he can afford it. But definitively, you are right to ask and he should be mature enough to either pay for his child lessons (half) or let you know politely he cannot. But he is an idiot!

It's amazing how, when you scratch the surface of many 'modern' men, you find that they think childcare and homemaking are women's work and are all that women are good for really.

^

This with bells on

Yes, and it might be less than he’s paying now.

Why does he live with you?

Their DC lives with OP. Not the ex.

What's his earnings? £800 for one child is a lot....(I know you shouldn't compare but I get £350 and that's for 3 with monthly childcare bills that top £2k plus as I have twins)

Whether we think it's right or not the CMS has a calculator which suggests what should be paid....he's paying more....so adding toddler swimming classes on top is going to elicit a response from him

@Busbusbusbusbus

That £7 a week that won’t buy you anything, adds up to £364 a year or £6552 over 18 years. Imagine giving that as a lump sum to your child when s/he turns 18?

I think you’re absolutely crackers to not be pursuing him for it. Also, if his wages go up, you could receive a higher payment.

When I split up with my cheating ex (no kids thankfully), I made him sign over the house to me as I could afford to pay the mortgage by myself. We weren’t married and there’s no way I’d ever let a man get the better of me.

I wasn’t really asking about what’s right or wrong money wise, I was simply saying I was shocked he apparently considers the nursery bill to be ‘for me.’