To think my view of him is forever changed after this comment?

[Henry888]

Ex has always paid on time and reasonably fairly for dc, age 2.5. His baseline maintenance is quite high but never covered half of nursery so he paid half after I asked and said I couldn’t afford 1,600 a month myself on top of all DC’s other costs. (No I don’t consider him a hero for doing this but factually he paid it and did the right thing). He doesn’t have dc overnight - his choice.

We recently had an argument about the cost for dc to attend a toddler swim class. He was keen for dc to do this, as was I. I said I would find classes and then told him the cost and asked for half. He got quite nasty and said I was money grabbing and that he already contributes to nursery so that I can go to work. I queried what he meant by that, given that dc is half his… he said he lives with me and he is enabling me to go to work by paying half. I said he lives with me because he, he did, can’t be bothered with caring for his son half the time. He didn’t respond.

I don’t know why this has bothered me so much and I know as a matter of fact it’s neither here nor there as he’s not my partner (thankfully). I feel my view of him is forever changed. I thought he was ok, better than most but actually he’s just a misogynistic pig isn’t he? Am I being dramatic?

Absolutely agree with this. Have no idea why this isn't the base level.
I guess because more men would kill their ex-partners/ex-wives and their children, rather than pay up?

That's not why men do it, men do it because legally they can. If cms had powers and actually used them men would stop getting away with it. £7 a week isn't holding someone accountable. They will laugh at you and how little they get away with.

Yes fair enough. Don't ask directly but leave it to CMS to collect on your behalf. It would likely piss him off every month so that would be an added bonus.

Have you looked into getting help with childcare costs @Henry888 ?
UC may cover some of it depending on your circumstances, this would free up some of the maintenance you get from him.
As for the original question, at least you now know what he thinks and feels. He thinks he's doing you a favour - thank god he's an ex

It’s not a lot. It’s not even touching the sides of what the OP has to spend to raise their child, without even considering the mental load that he’s just waltzed away from. What she’s getting is simply less shit than what you’re getting. It’s still shit.

If you handed over your DC to their father for six months, and then told him that you wouldn’t be paying for swimming lessons as you were already doing your bit (as you handed over their £350) so he needn’t think you were paying for him to sit in the pub all afternoon with his mates, he’d be furious. Why are mums expected to accept it and be grateful?

I think we have to move away from this idea that a man is providing for their child because they’re paying what the calculator suggests they should be paying. They’re not. It’s a token payment that lets them feel like they’re doing their bit, because God forbid that they should have to curb their social life or live on Smart Price food for a while so that their child can learn to swim.

And if he doesn’t want to pay for swimming lessons, then why the fuck isn’t he down the local swimming baths with her each week, teaching her to swim himself?

You think £7 a week for 4 kids would "piss someone off" no he finds it hilarious he gets away paying so little! Most men would be laughing if they only had to pay £7 a week. He is earning cash in hand so he is not missing £7

So his maintenance payments just about cover half the nursery fee- so that you can go to work. He seems to think going to work is a jolly for you, rather than something you have to do to support your child. Who does he think is going to support the child if you don’t work?

It is a lot though. I know if I lost £800 a month from my salary I'd notice it!! The OP needs to consider if she kicks back too much he is very much entitled to say he wants to go via CMS for a formal agreement and have money reduced. Don't cut your nose off to spite your face.

The system is fucked. They pay a %, the mum pays everything else, regardless of the actual cost. It's a biased, sexist system.

You were right OP, hold your ground. There is absolutely nothing wrong in your assumption that he should be paying for half of the actual costs of keeping your child reared satisfactorily. It's not like you're charging him a fee for your effort of doing it!

Buy she is paying the housing costs for herself too, the date as her ex is paying hus own housing costs.
So the ex should be paying half the childcare plus half of a 2 Yr olds food an clothing bill which in all honesty won't be much.So half childcare and a little bit might be right depending on how much the 'little bit' is and how much the dad has him.Also do you get the child benefit and any tax credits/UC?

Ignore the menz trolls that are drawn to such threads like moths to a flame...

Collecting nothing from him suggests that you are resigned to the fact that you will never get anything and it is not worth it. At least if you go through CMS it will be reviewed each year so if his circumstances change your children may benefit. Regardless, don't let him off the hook.

I'm fine accepting I will never get anything off him he hasn't worked (officially) in 8 years. Sometimes for your mental health you have to let things go I know I will never see any money off him he's set himself up perfectly to never need to pay I'm not fighting a losing battle.

£7 might not be very much but it's not yours to refuse. It's your child's. All those £7 a week add up and if you don't want to take if to use on then save it for your child. You are in the wrong totally.

Its misogyny and you are absolutely right in how you feel. Child is half his and he should be paying half of nursery and half this activity and tbh he should be having his kid overnight.

At the same time I would push it and ask for money for activities again, just because he's got his back up so much I think that you run the risk of him throwing his dummy out the pram and if he refuses to pay half of nursery all of a sudden you'll be in the shit.

But it's not right really. He's a knob.

Some men are just so selfish and entitled they don't see it as their responsibility. My ex has done everything over the years to prevent paying maintenance, including quitting his job. Even now he still tells the DC that the reason he struggles financially is because of the money he has to give me.

I have also been told in the past that I can't expect him to magic up money for extras with no notice, when they were things we had agreed we would split on top of maintenance. The event he apparently had no notice for was his DCs birthday party 🙄.

And that he shouldn't help with childcare as I got money for that. He meant the child benefit which barely made a dent in the bill. Unfortunately they will never get it or see anything wrong in what they do but be assured, their DC will. My ex really is reaping what he sowed now.

I think you’re taking what I’ve said out of context.

Yes, if £800 suddenly disappeared from my salary, I’d notice it as well. But in the context I said it in, as in the amount that the OP is spending to raise THEIR child, it is not a lot. It is less than half of what SHE is spending. And, to address another poster, yes, she does have to pay for accommodation anyway. But if she was living as a single adult with no children, she probably wouldn’t need to pay extra for another bedroom, school catchment areas, whether the area is somewhere you’d be happy letting your child walk through alone etc.

And I agree that he’d probably revert to the calculator just to teach her a lesson about what a wonderful man he was being by paying extra 🙄. But that’s not what she was asking. She was asking whether he was a misogynistic pig or whether she was being dramatic. I think he’s a bit of a crap bag and he doesn’t deserve any credit for doing less than half of the financial and emotional work that goes into raising a child. I don’t think any parent deserves credit just because they’re paying a few quid over the bare legal minimum and I think there is nothing to be grateful for or impressed by.

Why is she in the wrong for declining to fill in a million forms to beg her ex to pay less that £2 per child each week? Why isn’t he in the wrong for not putting it in an envelope and putting it through her letterbox each week? Or opening up a bank account for each child so he can present them with a contribution towards a car/further studies etc when they reach 18? She’s not the one who should be shamed here, he is.

I know it’s not fair, but a non-resident parent only has to pay the maintenance set out by calculator, not half of all living costs.
I’m a single mum of twins, the monthly amount I get didn’t even cover one of their nursery.
Am not saying it’s not unfair, or that it’s not annoying, but it is the way it is. Nursery is the toughest phase at least, once they’re at school it does get far easier…
hang in there.

@Karenaki its this kind of attitude that is so sad though. Why are we just saying ‘it’s how it is’ and not doing anything about it?

@Whothefuckdoesthat because men can never be more in the wrong than a woman.

Sadly this is true.

It sounds like he resents supporting you, and this what he thinks he's doing. He pays half the nursery fees so that you can work? He doesn't see any of this as him supporting his child, he thinks he's doing you a favour. Jeeze, what a dick.

Wasn't the child support amount and terms specified in your divorce agreement?

I don’t have children, I have DSC and my DH and I have them 50%.

I truly believe Child Maintenance should cover 50% of nursery fees to allow both parents to work. It’s a fucking joke that any RP gets basic maintenance and means men people like your ex think they’re legends for covering childcare when they don’t even have to think about it. Fucking outrageous.

I am not-so-silently seething for you here. What an arse! You just know he’s going to relish telling your kid that he paid ‘more than he had to’ because he’s such a great dad, as the kid gets older.