Coming out as Bi to DH

[Scorchioo]

Just over a year ago I came out as bi to DH. A family member who had divorced her husband was now in a relationship with a woman. We were on the subject and I told DH I believed myself to be bisexual. When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past.

It did not go down well. DH was almost sickened by what I told him and immediately started to text his mother as he “needed someone to talk to” I told him I wasn’t comfortable with his mother knowing and that if he needed to talk to someone I would be happy for him to confide in a friend instead. He said I can’t “control who he talks to” His mother is the type to use this information as a weapon against me.

DH then used graphic sexual language grilling me about all the stuff I would do to women. Would I ….. a woman etc. He kept saying he felt sick and if I was really bisexual he couldn’t remain married to me. He felt betrayed and acted like I had cheated on him.

I ended up backtracking and told him I was just confused and that my sexuality is fluid instead.

He then a few weeks after became hugely suffocating, physically touching me all the time and almost “love bombing” me.

We have not mentioned it since.

Has anyone got any experience with this sort of situation?

I think there’s a lot of poster here that clearly don’t accept that. Apparently it must be bi phobia. 🙄

I couldn’t give a fuck about anyone’s sexuality in every day life as friends, family, work colleagues etc, but if I’m sleeping with someone, I get to have a preference.

Honestly, if my DP suddenly said this to me, I'd be thinking he was preparing me for a revelation to come soon and would think he'd be the same vice versa. I say this as someone who for years has spent long periods apart due to his work, and we've never once had an argument about or had a suspicion of the other (well I assume he hasn't had a suspicion, he's never acted like he has) but I think something like that would throw either of us, as what's the reason to suddenly come out with it if you're committed to one person.

Jumping on the "special label" bandwagon is how this looks, like all thise hetro couples who suddenly call themselves "queer" 🤷‍♀️

But your argument makes no sense, because being bi or gay isn’t necessarily something that can be observed. You aren’t saying you “happen” not to be attracted to bi or gay people for reasons that can’t be explained. you might well be attracted to someone bi, but if you know they are gay you will not want to date them. (This whole thread is about a man who was attracted to someone, but then finds out she’s gay and then has a problem with it).
What other reasons could there be for that conscious choice other than bi/homophobia? If there are others please enlighten me.

(FYI calling me “creepy” doesn’t lend any extra credibility to your perspective).

i have never said, or thought otherwise.

I am, however, trying to work out why the DH in OPs scenario might have reacted as he did.

You say he knows you've kissed women in the past. Therefore, I would think he's not shocked by the information itself, just shocked that you've suddenly felt the need to announce it.

My DH would be shocked if I suddenly sat him down to have a conversation about the fact I fancied 25 year olds, or Asian men, or pilots, or anything else that didn't include him. He's obviously aware that I've dated other men-who-are-not-him in the past, but the earnest announcement of this fact would feel very much like a pre-emptor to something else.

Maybe that's what your DH is struggling with?

🙄

You need to explain to him why you brought it up, as you have explained to us.

I think it was.probably a shock that you decided it was appropriate to sit him down to break the news you fancied other people and he was scared what that might mean. The 'breaking the news' makes it sound very serious and like it's something that would impact your relationship. You married him so really rather than making it a thing a passing 'she's hot' the next time an actress you fancy came on the telly would have probably done the job. Unless you now want to explore your newfound 'identity' in which case please let him know immediately so he can find someone else.

I've been married a long long time. If my DH said, out of the blue "I'm bi" I'd probably wonder if something was coming next, or why he'd said it. I'd be disappointed and sad - if he'd known this for a long time - why he felt he couldn't tell me. Knowing me as he does.

But i wouldn't suddenly dislike him because he's bi. I'd be hurt he he'd felt he couldn't tell me. I am not attracted to (nor would i be repelled by) his sexuality. It's not how my brain works. But. If i were a jealous person i would, over the years, maybe have been jealous of his female friends. If i were a jealous person whose partner suddenly announced they were bi? I'd start to be jealous of his male friends too. Maybe this is the DH in the OP? Who knows, we don't know him.

As it happens people i do despise are cheats.

I'm also just realising that people are referring to OP telling her DH this as a 'big announcement' when it's literally in the OP that it came up in conversation...

'Just over a year ago I came out as bi to DH. A family member who had divorced her husband was now in a relationship with a woman. We were on the subject and I told DH I believed myself to be bisexual. '

Just to clarify for people who might genuinely not know and are confused 'came out' can refer to a massive spectrum of things, from.

Talking to a work colleague who doesnt know you are gay:
'Me and my partner went to a bakery at the weekend and she bought this amazing cake'

Sitting your parents down:
'Mum, dad, I've got something to tell you. I'm bisexual'

Or like this:
'Oh and Amy was talking about her ex as well, it was our old neighbour, Sheila! I didn't know Amy was bi, I've only ever known her date men'
'Well, I suppose that's the same as me, I have only dated men but I would date a woman, if I was single'

'Coming out' isn't always like in the movies...

I don't really understand any of this.

Why would you 'come out' to your husband?

Being bi doesn't change anything if you are in a committed monogamous relationship your not doing anything to women just as you aren't doing anything to other men. I mean it would be weird if you came out as 'straight' to him too because both are basically saying your thinking about sex with other people (maybe normal but not something people rub in their partner face).

I mean frankly I fully believe all people are to an extent 'bi' (even homophobes they are just scared of it) the nature of relationships means we are all entirely capable of falling in love with anyone regardless of their genitals.

His response seem homophobic but it still just a bizarre thing to announce 'sexuality' that in no way involves your sexual partner too them. It just didn't really need to be said.

I'm also just realising that people are referring to OP telling her DH this as a 'big announcement' when it's literally in the OP that it came up in conversation...

"big announcement" in that the actual thing that was under discussion is big. not that she jumped out of a bi-flag-coloured cake with streamers and sparklers. (although if i were going to make an announcement, i'd deffo do that)

Oh I do get that, yes - I suppose in this instance as OP knew her husband knew she'd been involved with women before she didn't realise it was a BIG announcement.

getting back to OP - i hope your DH has stopped the reaction and you're talking to each other? do you think this relationship will survive this?
That must be a bit of a shock to you, tbh.

Sorry you're getting such a hard time on here. I can understand it being a bit of a bombshell to him but the questioning you in graphic detail smacks of him getting off on that info and the constant pawing of him claiming ownership of your body which would give me the ick.

Why is is racist to be attracted only to white people? I have a white friend who has only ever dated South Asians and is now very happily married to one. They have a clear sexual preference and nobody could accuse them of being racist.

My personal preferences don’t have to make sense to you. Why do you feel they should? They don’t have to align with the equalities act. Dating me isn’t an equal opportunities exercise.

If someone is bisexual, religious, believes in gender, are more than 5 years younger or older than me, are of a race I don’t find attractive etc, then when I was single, I wouldn’t be dating them.

We can feel attraction to someone and then later find something out about them and find that a turn off.

Absolutely this!

I totally agree with this. I dont understand why you would announce your sexuality during marriage regardless of what it is. DH and I are both heterosexual but I have never told him I am and nor has he. If we split up and he found men attractive too then thats his business but so long as we are married why would either person announce their sexuality if they don't plan to act on it?

Tbh if my partner came out as bi my first thought it definitely a threesome.

This. I'm bi. I'm also married to a man.

It has diddlysquat to do with my identity, it just means I occasionally find a particular woman attractive in the same way I occasionally find a particular man attractive.

If my husband told me a after a few years he's bisexual and can't stop fantasising about guys in tiny speedos I would be very very angry because that's the sort of stuff you disclose before you get married and not after. I would never marry a man who wants to sleep with other men, EVER. So yes, I understand your husbands reaction. Personally I would break up my marriage for something like this, it's massive.

I agree- of course it doesnt.

But then, why tell him? I am hetero but I dont inform my husband every time I see a hot man I'd shag if I was single so I dont really see what relevance it is to your relationship. I regularly find other men attractive but I dismiss it from my mind because I have committed to my relationship and being faithful. Therefore, why would I tell him this info?

So, what were you expecting him to say? genuinely curious- no judgement at all. I am just curious what you expected him to say.

Of course they can. But OP’s DH is only equipped with boy bits and has just found out his wife is also rather enthusiastic about lady bits.

As a straight person, I don’t understand how a bi person can be totally fulfilled by me when I can only provide half of what they are attracted to.

I’ve expressed it badly and bluntly but think that what is being perceived as biphobia is often more to do with not understanding bi minds in the sexual context and (whisper it) feeling a bit inadequate to meet all their needs.

This! All the posts telling her to not be honest with her own husband are fucking weird tbh. It shouldn't even be a big deal her telling him she's bi. What kind of marriage is it if you have to hide part of yourself away from your partner in case they take offence?