Coming out as Bi to DH

[Scorchioo]

Just over a year ago I came out as bi to DH. A family member who had divorced her husband was now in a relationship with a woman. We were on the subject and I told DH I believed myself to be bisexual. When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past.

It did not go down well. DH was almost sickened by what I told him and immediately started to text his mother as he “needed someone to talk to” I told him I wasn’t comfortable with his mother knowing and that if he needed to talk to someone I would be happy for him to confide in a friend instead. He said I can’t “control who he talks to” His mother is the type to use this information as a weapon against me.

DH then used graphic sexual language grilling me about all the stuff I would do to women. Would I ….. a woman etc. He kept saying he felt sick and if I was really bisexual he couldn’t remain married to me. He felt betrayed and acted like I had cheated on him.

I ended up backtracking and told him I was just confused and that my sexuality is fluid instead.

He then a few weeks after became hugely suffocating, physically touching me all the time and almost “love bombing” me.

We have not mentioned it since.

Has anyone got any experience with this sort of situation?

Bisexual people are entirely capable of faithful monogamy.

So what would you say to anyone that is asexual? Do I tell my friend that because she finds absolutely no one attractive that she is racist, biphobic, transphobic, fatphobic, the list continues?

Should I say “it is likely you’re all these horrible labels just because you don’t find these people attractive”

You're married, and are/were presumably intending to stay married so I'm not sure why being bi needed a big announcement.
That said, your DH sounds like a horrible weirdo but that's in addition.

I find this all very odd and insecure from him tbh. It doesn't matter whether your are straight or bi, you're in a committed marriage and that's all that counts. Equally, I can't help rolling my eyes a little at the 'recent discovery ' of your bisexuality, a very long time after you've clearly experimented with women a bit. It's not exactly a surprise you're bi, or at least a bit bi, and it's a bit cringe to officially come out as it, especially when married.

If I were to die, I don't know if my husband's next partner would be male or female, their sex is irrelevant to me, only that he eventually finds happiness. We are quite open with things like celebrity crushes, what we find attractive etc. Providing it's all pretty hypothetical (ie not 'I've got a massive crush on your best friend), it's fine to find others attractive. We just would never act in it because we are married and love eachother. To me his attitude screams paranoia, insecurity and homophobia.

So what does it do for your identity exactly when you’re married? Im a married straight woman- there is nothing I wear say or do for other men specifically in a sexual attraction way so not sure what it changes if I decided I was sexually attracted to women? I’d dress and act the same. If my husband told me he was sexually attracted to tall busty blondes, I’d be very upset, since that’s the opposite of me and while I am sure he enjoys looking at them in movies or real life even, why tell me that? How does him telling me that make me feel anything but undesirable and LESS?

I don't really care what sexuality someone is or was if they're in a committed relationship with me but I'd probably be kinda surprised if my OH felt the need to remind me at that precise moment if it had just come out of the blue. You know like you're talking about biscuits and suddenly the conversation becomes about being same sex attracted.

You were actually talking about being same sex attracted though, and he already knew this about you, so his reaction is weird

You’re assuming it’s prejudice, when it’s attraction which can’t be explained.

Why do so many people find Brad Pitt attractive and others don’t? He’s a good looking man. It’s because attraction is unexplainable.

You’re coming across as very, very creepy.

I don’t think it’s biphobic of him to feel this way at all. Personally I know that my husband is attracted to the fact that I’m enthusiastically heterosexual. To put it bluntly, when we have sex he is excited by the fact that I love cock and it’s probably the same for me but the other way around. If he told he was sexually attracted to other men and having sexual thoughts about their penises, it wouldn’t turn me on at all, probably the opposite. But we are all different and we are all allowed to love who we love. You’re changing who he thought you were, years and a marriage potentially children down the line, it’s bound to be upsetting for him.

The OP's dh is clearly homophobic / biphobic based on the graphic way he grilled the OP after she told him.

But that doesn't mean that it would necessarily be unreasonable or unnatural to think 'Hmm. My wife has decided now, after years of marriage, to tell me she is bisexual, just after she happens to have heard about a friend of hers leaving her husband for a woman. I wonder why now? Is she wanting to have a relationship with a woman?' And I think that's exactly what posters would be thinking and saying if it were the dh coming out as bi, much as people love to claim double standards on MN.

Edited for typo!

Why is the OP's husband coming under.attack? Homophobic? Is it really homophobic not to want to be married to a gay person? Is it really homohobic to feel aggrieved about being deceived about.a partner"s sexual identity?
He's insecure? Didn't the OP make him insecure by dropping a bombshell.like that? He's probably wondering what other lies and deceptions the OP has in store for him😴
@Soowoowoomoo This isn't homophobia, it's about.being betrayed. You don't think you could stay with someone like that? What makes you think he'd give you the chance to stay?

Do you think that bisexual people can not be enthusiastically attracted to their partners bodies?

I think it was fine for you to tell him this. Ignore the other posters. He's your husband and you wanted to talk about something that's important to you. He's behaving like a child.

I've been on the other side of this. In fact, it's almost six years ago to the day that my XH told me he was bisexual.

After almost two decades together, it was a massive shock. I couldn't understand why he'd waited so long, what it meant that he was telling me now. I asked a lot of questions. I was in total shock. I lost a lot of weight very quickly from the stress. It just didn't make sense to me that he could have failed to mention this for almost two decades and there not be some meaning to it. I was convinced he was telling me as a precursor to leaving me. He was adamant he was "just" bi.

Around six months later he said he was probably just gay. He now lives with another man.

I've heard the stories of quite a few other people (men and women) who have been on the straight partner's side of that conversation. It's pretty common to feel like it's the start of something that's going to end the relationship. Especially if a couple has been together a long time. If it's something you share as a part of yourself from the outset then that's very different to having it revealed ten or twenty years down the line. Given that OP says she brought up it in the context of knowing someone whose marriage ended in a similar scenario, I'd say the husband's reaction is pretty normal.

If he's generally a decent person then I'd cut him some slack and let him absorb the information.

After the initial shock, I worked really hard at being supportive and acknowledging this side of XH. Until he started going out to gay clubs until 4 am (or all night) trying to "find himself", while I lie awake worrying and wondering if he'd come home before the DC got up.

Of course they are. It’s ones morals that make someone a cheat or not, not their sexuality.

But I still don’t want to be in a relationship with a bisexual man.

Do you accept that people are allowed to find bisexuality sexually unappealing if that’s not what floats their boat?

How about if he's sexually attracted to other women and having sexual thoughts about them?

keep your hair on. I literally couldn't care less about someone's sexuality.

However. In this situation where they had been discussing a friend who realised she was bi and left her husband for another woman? and then OP casually drops into the conversation that she's bi? what is he supposed to think.

As i said: what MN really prefers is monogamy, no matter how much people want to portray the entirety of the membership as bi-, homo-, lesbo-, and transphobic ol' vipers (i have no doubt some people are one or all of those things) i am not. I am simply asking OP about the wisdom of dropping that on her DH at that particular time.

I know a few bi people - only one i have known since before they were married - and they would also ask why someone would need to drop a bomb like this after a conversation like that.

I wasn't talking to you. I was responding to PPs insinuation that bi people couldn't be monogamous

She 'only just discovered it?'

OP said she knew it when she and her husband met!

It’s a forum. Anyone can answer.

Ive been told I’m biphobic for not wanting to sleep with bisexual men so your post was a good one to point out that my view.

HTH.

No i am not. As i have explained. It is the context of this big announcement that i am questioning. No wonder the DH has been bowled for 6 (his reaction is possibly OTT but I'm not him so i have no idea if he's ultra-posessive, worries that OP is a cheat anyway etc etc. Because if he is the jealous type, his jealousy now extends to just about anyone OP speaks to.)

Fine by me, he loves women and I love that about him. If I knew he was fantasising about other men though, it would definitely turn me off and I don’t think it’s wrong to say that, this is all personal preference after all.

I guess the issue with this is that there's communication on a number of levels.

You wanted (presumably) to be able to talk about this with your DH because you think it's an important part of who you are.

Other reasons for mentioning something I've this could be as a beginning of an open marriage or suggestion of doing more sexually non-vanilla things like threesomes.

Often if people have exotic sexual tastes they are encouraged to mention it to their dp and see how they react.

He may be worried that that's your scenario and there's more requests coming down the line as a result...

"When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past. "

So it's not new.

In the OP:
'When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past.'
And even if that wasn't the case, assuming she was straight is a common and understandable error but not based in fact, and anyone who makes that assumption should be able to recognise that they made an error in doing so.