Coming out as Bi to DH

[Scorchioo]

Just over a year ago I came out as bi to DH. A family member who had divorced her husband was now in a relationship with a woman. We were on the subject and I told DH I believed myself to be bisexual. When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past.

It did not go down well. DH was almost sickened by what I told him and immediately started to text his mother as he “needed someone to talk to” I told him I wasn’t comfortable with his mother knowing and that if he needed to talk to someone I would be happy for him to confide in a friend instead. He said I can’t “control who he talks to” His mother is the type to use this information as a weapon against me.

DH then used graphic sexual language grilling me about all the stuff I would do to women. Would I ….. a woman etc. He kept saying he felt sick and if I was really bisexual he couldn’t remain married to me. He felt betrayed and acted like I had cheated on him.

I ended up backtracking and told him I was just confused and that my sexuality is fluid instead.

He then a few weeks after became hugely suffocating, physically touching me all the time and almost “love bombing” me.

We have not mentioned it since.

Has anyone got any experience with this sort of situation?

How can it be part of your “identity” in any meaningful way? You’re married to a man. End of. Nobody cares. You’ve unnecessarily shattered your marriage just so you can seek attention. You sound like a person who is going to cheat on her husband at some point. Probably quite soon.

So fucking weird that you figure out something about yourself and people think you can only be telling your husband as "attention seeking" or because you want to cheat. Do people not talk to their husbands? I tell mine everything, I would tell him this. Also we talk about people/things we find attractive so it comes up naturally anyway.

@SquirrelSoShiny you might feel it's not part of your identity but not everyone has to feel that way.

@beatrix1234 why? Why does it matter?

I'm married to a bisexual man. He's leaned more towards guys in the past and slept with more of them than I ever will. It makes no difference to me. Cheating is not more or less acceptable depending on the sex of the person - or more or less likely.

I just don't get it.

Honestly OP your husband is a total prick, insecure, and sounds homophobic. You have every right to be upset. I'm sorry he's been so horrible and prurient. I would find it very hard to stay with someone like that.

Maybe the second woman though?

Why tell him?

1. Does it affect him?
2. Is he less secure as a result of you telling him?
3. Do you feel better about telling him something that doesn't affect him and has made him doubt his marriage?

If he does think this then he is absurd. Being bi doesn't mean that you want other partners. It just means that if you are looking for a relationship, then you would be happy with a male or a female partner.

OP your husband is homophobic. All of his asking if you would ... With a woman. Presumably HE would, so the act itself isn't disgusting to him, it's the fact that you are a woman that is disgusting. I would struggle to live with a homophobe, even if I were straight.

@StormingNorman so if your husband was attracted to blondes and redheads and you're a blonde, you think he'd cheat because you "only provide half of what he's attracted to?"

Honestly. Lunacy.

Appreciate your honesty on this as I think that a lot of people feel this way but wont/can't express it and it is massively helpful for me as a bisexual woman to know if this is what's driving a bad reaction so I can help clear up any worries/misconceptions!
Would much rather people look inwards and figure out what's driving their feelings and want to learn.

So what had changed or improved by you telling him? You don't intend to act on it. No cheating, no viewing women online.

Hide it how?

Or maybe more relevant, show it how?

What exactly does a bisexual do to show their bisexuality?

And I am bi, and to the best of my knowledge I dont do anything different.

Great post.

Telling your husband that you are allergic to peanuts: information he needs to know
Telling your husband you are scared of flying: information he might need to know
Telling your husband your sexuality: attention seeking???? Somehow?

Somehow its:
Don't make sexuality part of your identity, or tell anyone, it's not important
But also....
It's important enough for me to make assumptions about your sexual preferences and capability for monogamy and also for me to leave you.

I completely agree with this. He sounds like a homophobe and if I were you my opinion of him would be irrevocably changed. And to all those people here saying you’d be “devastated” if your partner, whether male or female, came out as bi, get a fucking grip of your prejudice. If you love someone why would it matter?

Because of the widespread phobias and bigotry towards sexualities that aren’t straight, many people don’t feel comfortable outwardly identifying as bi or gay, or convince themselves it’s just a curiosity or a phase because as this thread has demonstrated there’s a lot of ignorance and prejudice. So it is absolutely understandable that someone would take a long time to feel comfortable to say this is me, and I want to be perceived that way.

Thinking being bi=more likely to cheat or unable to be satisfied with one partner is an opinion based on prejudice. A marriage isn’t a prison in which you must forever remain in the state in which you got married - people evolve in many ways over the years in their opinions, values, and yes, sexuality. Of course you should be able to come out to your spouse of all people! Being bi is an important part of my identity and many others, it bothers me to be perceived as straight. Why should I or OP or anyone else stay in the closet for other people’s benefit? It has absolutely no bearing on my feelings for my partner. But then he isn’t a homophobe so it’s never been an issue.

The man just found out that his lifetime partner is something different to what he always thought. For a site that constantly bangs on about mental health, it takes the biscuit to suggest that he isn't allowed to be shocked, alarmed and needs time to get his head around it. It's even worse to suggest he's homophobic. So if a husband tells his wife he's gay and she is horrified she is being homphobic right? Nothing to do with the fact that he is not the person she thought she married. He's her husband for fuck sake, someone that shares her life not some colleague at work.

What he supposed to do, instantly understand and whip out a pride flag?

That doesn't make much sense OP, you say that you thought he generally knew you were bi when you first met and yet you say this is something you've recently discovered? Also, in the context of your family member leaving their marriage to be in a relationship with a woman, do you not think your revelation might have made him think you were thinking about having a relationship with a woman? Maybe he feels insecure and worried about where you're going with this.

Not really a fair comparison because gay people aren’t attracted to the opposite sex whereas bi people are, so being bi doesn’t impact the relationship.

I am confused by soooo many people berating OP with "why did you bring it up out of nowhere?". Did no-one read when she said it was in response to a family member who had divorced a man now being in a relationship with a woman? Of course it makes sense that a discussion about this could trigger such a divulgence. So many possibilities eg

"OMG I can't believe Susan is now dating Emma. Do you think she was always secretly gay and she was never truly into John?"
"No it's very possible to be bi-sexual but be faithfully married to someone of the opposite sex. Before we married I kissed a few women and would probably identify as bi-sexual even though I'm in a relationship with a man."

I can see how it hadn't come up before if you haven't actually slept with or been in a relationship with a women.

OP your DH's prejudice and lack of trust is pretty alarming though. I'd consider both massive red flags. Hope you're doing ok.

In which case OP has bigger problems on her hands than whether her DH is biphobic/homophobic.

I'm utterly baffled by these replies.

I'm sexually and romantically attracted to women, and had planned on dating women and men before I met DH in my first week of university. I don't feel that I've missed out on relationships with women any more than I feel I've missed out by not dating Irish men or Italian men. Since I've only had serious relationships with men, I don't go around describing myself as bisexual because it's doesn't matter to me that I would, if single, date women. But it's not a secret either. If someone asked me directly whether I was straight, I would tell them (this has only happened a few times in my life). DH doesn't actually know in the sense he's never asked and I've never told him - it's just never come up. In this context, if it was part of a conversation, I'd feel fine saying it. I wouldn't appreciate being given a list of sexual acts and asked if I'd do them, or being accused of infidelity.

You all need to make your minds up. If it's no big deal, why can't she say it? If it's a massive deal... Er, why? Why does it matter at all who she would date if single?

But you're putting people into categories there. People are way more than however you might choose to categorise them.

Unfortunately this.

If my partner came out and said he was bisexual it would be the end of the relationship for me because that’s not what I’d signed up to.

Doesn’t matter. We are all free to choose who we want to have relationships with. Those are our boundaries.

Sorry you're getting a hard time here OP. Your husband sounds homophobic and extremely insecure (much like lots of posters on here!). I don't know why people are suggesting you shouldn't have said anything - you should be able to tell your partner for life anything and they should want to know you inside out. Suggesting anything about your husband or wife is irrelevant says a lot about some people's relationships.
He's absolutely wrong to tell his mother as well especially with what you have said about how she treats you and it's awful you have felt the need to lie so that he would stop overreacting.
Are you sure you want to be with someone who doesn't accept you and would act so appallingly?

Because it's reasonable to expect that one can be honest about bisexuality in a committed relationship.

Biphobic my arse, you have just told him ( in his eyes) he is not enough for you or what you want. How the hell do you expect him to feel. He is confused and hurt and you then try and control who the hell he speaks to about his pain. Is everything always about you ?
As for the biphobic crap, just because as a male the thought of two women having sex together turns you off it doesn't mean you dislike or hate anyone who is Lesbian. Sexually we all have turns that other people would balk at, it doesn't make you phobic anything.

I don’t think that being bisexual means you will cheat, or are more likely to, but overtly making the statement to someone you’re in a committed relationship to is going to make them feel some not very positive feelings. Such as worrying they can never satisfy you or reminding them you are attracted to other people.

My DH isn’t ‘my type on paper’, but I would absolutely not announce this to his face, or remind him that I like men with a thick head of hair even though he is now balding. It won’t make him feel good.

Well, when you get in to a relationship with someone you expect honesty about how they align in their sexuality.

It’s actually more dangerous for women to date bisexual men as the chances of STI is way more higher amongst gay men.

But still if a man thought a woman was straight and wanted to be in a relationship with a straight women I can see why he would be annoyed years down the line when she suddenly declared her sexuality. Maybe he felt something in the relationship was going to change because of the sudden announcement

and it’s reasonable to expect that it should have been discussed at the beginning of the relationship.

She moved the goal posts