Coming out as Bi to DH

[Scorchioo]

Just over a year ago I came out as bi to DH. A family member who had divorced her husband was now in a relationship with a woman. We were on the subject and I told DH I believed myself to be bisexual. When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past.

It did not go down well. DH was almost sickened by what I told him and immediately started to text his mother as he “needed someone to talk to” I told him I wasn’t comfortable with his mother knowing and that if he needed to talk to someone I would be happy for him to confide in a friend instead. He said I can’t “control who he talks to” His mother is the type to use this information as a weapon against me.

DH then used graphic sexual language grilling me about all the stuff I would do to women. Would I ….. a woman etc. He kept saying he felt sick and if I was really bisexual he couldn’t remain married to me. He felt betrayed and acted like I had cheated on him.

I ended up backtracking and told him I was just confused and that my sexuality is fluid instead.

He then a few weeks after became hugely suffocating, physically touching me all the time and almost “love bombing” me.

We have not mentioned it since.

Has anyone got any experience with this sort of situation?

Yep, and if you tell your partner you are bisexual you are either attention seeking or you are seeking to look outside the relationship, but if you don’t , you are a deceptive liar.
and if you are a man you are disgusting, not masculine, and not an appropriate partner for a “straight woman”.

I agree completely with this, particularly the last paragraph.

I also didn't realise that MN had a problem with biphobia, it's certainly obvious on this thread. Very depressing.

You might be able to see them, but you clearly can't comprehend them.

There are literally 100s of posts on this thread written by me and others explaining why (we believe) the views expressed by you and many other women on this thread are biphobic. You have just continued to repeat yourself over and over again as if you hadn’t read any of them. Fair enough to just say “I simply don’t agree ,
I don’t accept your point of view and that’s all there is to say” but to pretend they don’t exist couldn’t be more disingenuous, and I’m not here for it.

What about the lying? It could be suggested that Op has lied to herself and her Dh, for the whole of her marriage. So that's not a good foundation for a marriage.

So you don’t accept that the preference to not sleep with bisexual people, can not be driven by bi phobia then.

It wasn't a point of comparison. Fucking hell.

99.9% of women would chose not to date a known serial killer; what the hell has that got to do with a debate about whether divorcing your husband because you find out he’s bi

Because it doesn't matter how extreme or subjectively inoffensive a particular thing is, if the person on the receiving end doesn't like it, they don't have to accept it.

I'm bisexual. Mumsnet is a terrible place to talk about it as people don't understand. Of course you're allowed to talk about it to your significant other. I'm sorry he's reacted so badly to it.

A significant other doesn’t have to be ok with it though. The OPs husband has the choice to accept it or end the relationship.

Tandora
What kind of answers do you think you would get if you were to grill other groups about their sexualities and why something turns them off? and then you can't accept a simple answer such as that's how my sexuality works? and have to keep grilling and grilling them?

You keep pushing and pushing trying to get answers from people that you can then jump on.

Why not just accept that some peoples sexuality works that way?

What are you actually hoping to achieve here?
Do you think that by berating women who wouldn't want a bisexual husband that you're going to change sexualities? Because you are really not.
Do you want people to feel so ashamed of their preference that they stay in relationships where they are turned off their partner? Who is that helping exactly?

Insisting on the former and continuing to be diligently offended by it regardless of reasoning negates having to address or accept the latter.

Do I think your “preference” not to sleep with “bisexual people” is an innate sexual preference , no. Do I think it’s driven by heteronormative-patriarchy and biphobia . Yes .

Do I think all sexual preferences are driven by phobias? No. Do I think that sexual choices are often shaped by different forms of prejudice- yes.

Do I think that everybody should be entitled to set their own sexual boundaries for any reason they choose and - yes. Do I think anybody should be coerced into having sex with someone they don’t want- no. Do I think having sex is an equal opportunities sport - no.

Do I think it’s important to acknowledge and call out cases where people’s sexual, dating and relationship choices appear to be driven by harmful stereotypes and forms of discrimination/ prejudice against particular groups of people, yes. Do I think people are exempt from criticism for how they judge and treat others in the context of sexual relationships just because they involve sexual “boundaries” and “preferences”. No.

Except that you are wrong (and also biphobic) and I am right which makes me Queen. So there!

Of course, this is how relationships work. But he doesn’t have to be a dick about it and act like she’s committed some terrible crime, particularly when he was already aware that she had some attraction to women.

How am I biphobic if I’m a woman who has had sex and relationships with men and women and have relationships with women who have slept with men?

I’ll also echo what others have said on here: mumsnet is an absolute well of ignorance and hatred towards bisexuals. Every single thread about bisexuality goes the same way - it’s either invalidation (it’s not important relevant, especially if you’re in a heterosexual relationship so you should just shut up, lie and hide who you are for the rest of your life), people talking about how they are disgusted by bisexuality and worry about cheating and then the comparisons to illegal perversions. EVERY THREAD. EVERY SINGLE ONE, without fail. It’s like going back to the dark ages.

How interesting that this should be the case. I wonder why. Why is it always that the “oh I’m not biphobic, I just find it gross, but that doesn’t make me biphobic!!” brigade that draw a parallel with perverts. Every. Single. Time. What does that that say about people? That people who don’t know each other draw the same parallels. Every. Single. Time. It does actually give people away despite them saying “oh but this is just a logical argument” and “it’s not comparing” when it clearly is!

What kind of answers do you think you would get if you were to grill other groups about their sexualities and why something turns them off?

I know that the gay men I know find the thought of sex with women a turn off and they wouldn’t have sex with a bloke who has had sex with a woman either. They like gay men, not bisexual men. Their preference and it’s disgusting and ignorant for anyone to call them phobic.

What you think is not fact though is it?

Perhaps you need to learn to be more open minded and actually learn about human sexuality, instead of trying to fit everything into your box of everything is biphobic.

You're saying that some peoples sexual, dating and relationship choices appear to be driven by harmful stereotypes and forms of discrimination and prejudice.

I'd say you're stereotyping, discriminating and showing strong prejudice yourself. You really need to get down off your high horse and accept that some straight people are only attracted to other straight people.

You've decided in your head that it's not an innate sexual preference therefore it cannot be because you said so. Get over yourself.

Because of your views, dear. I don’t really know how many more times that can be patiently explained to you. I give up!!!

Right it’s midnight and I’m out. Goodnight you bunch of bigots!!!!

I'm really glad that we all have your views to read, which are absolutely and infallibley correct. Thank god for you and your views on her views aye.

Goodnight, dear x

so bored of everyone being called phobic for having the wrong views. it's like boy who cried wolf

I’m going to hazard a guess that you haven’t got the faintest idea what my views are because thus far you’ve proven yourself entirely incapable of anything above and beyond squawking biphobia every five minutes and overusing exclamation marks.
If anything is going to put me off bisexuals, it’s sounding like an overexcitable half-sharp parrot.

I’m not really convinced of that though. OP has contradicted herself. She thought he knew she was bi but it’s something shes only recently felt comfortable to identify as bi herself. It’s inconsistent. If she didn’t know, how could he have possibly have known. I think OP has been economical with the truth to her husband, to herself and to those on the thread.

If the gist of the story is true, OP should end the relationship as she is bi, which is just who she is, and he won’t accept that, which is his choice.