Coming out as Bi to DH

[Scorchioo]

Just over a year ago I came out as bi to DH. A family member who had divorced her husband was now in a relationship with a woman. We were on the subject and I told DH I believed myself to be bisexual. When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past.

It did not go down well. DH was almost sickened by what I told him and immediately started to text his mother as he “needed someone to talk to” I told him I wasn’t comfortable with his mother knowing and that if he needed to talk to someone I would be happy for him to confide in a friend instead. He said I can’t “control who he talks to” His mother is the type to use this information as a weapon against me.

DH then used graphic sexual language grilling me about all the stuff I would do to women. Would I ….. a woman etc. He kept saying he felt sick and if I was really bisexual he couldn’t remain married to me. He felt betrayed and acted like I had cheated on him.

I ended up backtracking and told him I was just confused and that my sexuality is fluid instead.

He then a few weeks after became hugely suffocating, physically touching me all the time and almost “love bombing” me.

We have not mentioned it since.

Has anyone got any experience with this sort of situation?

Sorry should have said I don't believe, in first sentence

Your argument dear, not mine!

It was a completely pointless and nonsensical point of comparison. The only relevance was apparently “everyone has a line in the sand” about who they want to date . Yes I think we can all agree that 99.9% of women would chose not to date a known serial killer; what the hell has that got to do with a debate about whether divorcing your husband because you find out he’s bi (and you think it’s disgusting) is biphobic? Absolutely bloody nothing.

I’ve tried , but clearly it’s getting nowhere.

Er - spiders?!!

You're not actually fooling anyone with this bs. We can see your posts.

It's a bit like dropping a bomb off into the marriage. Not a bomb that necessarily will cause long term problems but one that could be quite unsettling for your husband. There's not many other things you could say which have little, to no, effect on you and your life, yet could give your husband a real pause for thought over his whole marriage.

It's almost lying by omission to leave out this supposedly vital part of your identity.

That is not what was being done, but I don’t care whether or not you think I should be ashamed (I’m not, as an aside) so we find ourselves at an impasse.

Your partner sounds incredibly immature.

Your sexuality is a big part of your identity and it is not unreasonable to want your partner to know your accurate sexuality! To not tell him is to hide it (as if ashamed or forever worried about his reaction) or to lie!

Yes, of course he is entitled to be disgusted, if bisexuality is a turn off for him (we can’t control what turns other people in/off etc) but he is an arsehole for not treating you kindly.

I’ll also echo what others have said on here: mumsnet is an absolute well of ignorance and hatred towards bisexuals. Every single thread about bisexuality goes the same way - it’s either invalidation (it’s not important relevant, especially if you’re in a heterosexual relationship so you should just shut up, lie and hide who you are for the rest of your life), people talking about how they are disgusted by bisexuality and worry about cheating and then the comparisons to illegal perversions. EVERY THREAD. EVERY SINGLE ONE, without fail. It’s like going back to the dark ages.

Anyway, Yanbu to tell your husband. Bisexuality is part of your identity. You our sexuality isn’t just a meaningless preference . It is a preference that affects how you think about yourself, how you see yourself, who you relate to and/or which experiences you relate to and how others may feel about you (or your perception of how others may feel about you, if you don’t tell the me you are bisexual). Not disclosing/pretending to be straight is not a neutral act - It means you are never truly ‘seen’ or accepted by those you live and this will affect your perception of who you are!

Straight people don’t realise how much their sexuality is part of their identity because they are the default, they have never had to question how their sexuality informs their life choices or how they are perceived by others because of their preference, or deal with their own positive or negative feelings about their sexuality. They just take it for granted that everyone is how they are, that they won’t be perceived differently because of their preferences and that they will be accepted in the world- that their sexuality willl not be met with disgust. Hence the ignorance.

You have a lot to learn. I hope for your kids' sake you learn it quick.

The comparisons are because the Op DP was negative affected It's literally what this discussion is about.
In a different thread about sexual differences the tone would be positive

I was parodying your hyperbole.

Yes I did some of those posts and I don’t agree with that. We like who we like at the end of the day. As long as nothing illegal and no one is being hurt then it’s all good. No one is racist if they don’t fancy people of a certain race and no one is homophobic if they don’t fancy bisexual people. It is phobic to keep drawing comparisons with rapists and peodophiles or people with disgusting personal hygiene. There’s no need and it really does show the underlying prejudices people hold without even realising. This on top of assuming bisexual people won’t be monogamous. Awful awful judgements on here.

When you list things in the way you did it’s inevitable a comparison will be drawn.

At least that made people laugh as apposed to being violently offensive.

This place is seriously messed up.

Better start praying for my soul instead given that I don’t have kids.

But equally your declaration that anyone who would end their marriage in this situation is biphobic is reductive. So you’re not much better.

Yeah well why don’t you make your “logical” parodies somewhere else.

BTW saying something is logical over and over again doesn’t mean it is! Stating something as fact and it actually being fact are actually not the same. But hey, you carry on. Dear.

I’ll have to once again strongly agree to disagree with you on that

Yep. Ffs.

I don’t care if people don’t want to sleep with me because I’m bisexual, that’s their prerogative. I do get the impression from this thread that many people have imbibed some very bizarre ideas about what bisexuals are like as people though, and I’m finding that quite disturbing.

You have said that you understand that sexual preference isn’t automatically driven by phobia. Yet you have called many peoples preference, including mine, to not sleep with bisexual people, bi phobia. This doesn’t make sense. Using a face palm emoji instead of words is unhelpful.

So should she have told him or not?

She was hardly lying by admission- he knew that she’d been attracted to women before.

Saying something is biphobic over and over again doesn’t mean it is! Stating something is biphobic and it actually being biphobic are actually not the same. But hey, you carry on. Dear.

I haven't said bisexual people are gross, I said if my DH came out as bisexual I would find that gross. There is a difference.