Coming out as Bi to DH

[Scorchioo]

Just over a year ago I came out as bi to DH. A family member who had divorced her husband was now in a relationship with a woman. We were on the subject and I told DH I believed myself to be bisexual. When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past.

It did not go down well. DH was almost sickened by what I told him and immediately started to text his mother as he “needed someone to talk to” I told him I wasn’t comfortable with his mother knowing and that if he needed to talk to someone I would be happy for him to confide in a friend instead. He said I can’t “control who he talks to” His mother is the type to use this information as a weapon against me.

DH then used graphic sexual language grilling me about all the stuff I would do to women. Would I ….. a woman etc. He kept saying he felt sick and if I was really bisexual he couldn’t remain married to me. He felt betrayed and acted like I had cheated on him.

I ended up backtracking and told him I was just confused and that my sexuality is fluid instead.

He then a few weeks after became hugely suffocating, physically touching me all the time and almost “love bombing” me.

We have not mentioned it since.

Has anyone got any experience with this sort of situation?

The bottom line is about choice. It's not about anything else.

Again you are drawing a parallel with someone who “doesn’t clip his toenails” which is disgusting!!!! If all you can do is come up with parallels which are disgusting or criminal or both I think it shows your underlying prejudice. You might not be ready to see it yourself, but you have given yourself away by using these examples. You could have said I don’t find vegans attractive, I don’t find men who play computer games attractive, I don’t find army men attractive…. Anythjng! But you went with peadophiles and men with disgusting toenail habits. I’m sorry that you cannot understand why that’s offensive. I feel my time is wasted however….

I realised about ten years ago that I am attracted to women and men. I haven't told DH and have no intention of telling him either as I am not going to act on it anyway. We've been married for over 20 years, I have not and will not be unfaithful to him so I don't feel that there is any reason to bring this up at all. It's not part of my 'identity', there's a bit more to me than that.

I don't really know what you hoped either of you would gain from telling him this.

I literally want to tear my hair out.
I knew mumsnet was transphobic this is is whole new revelation
😪

It is absolutely about choice. I haven’t said anything to the contrary. I don’t care who you find attractive. It’s none of my business. I do care about the horrendous parallels you’ve drawn as it very much demonstrates the biphobic attitudes on here.

You compared bisexuality to rape and paedophilia.

You are absolutely in the wrong and need to examine your prejudices.

Very funny in the context of hetero relationships!

You’re being really phobic towards men who don’t clip their toenails. The only person who called them disgusting was you.
Disgusting shows underlying prejudice. They may not be able to clip their own toenails. That’s ableism as well.

See how “if you don’t want to have sex with bisexual people then you’re biphobic” is working yet?

Have to disagree, it actually had the desired effect. As @Verv has also pointed out about lines in the sand. Those are some of my lines in the sand and being bi is one of them, that is not to suggest that I view bisexuals as equivalent to any of the other examples I gave, far from it.

So you recognise that preference isn’t driven by phobia unless it’s a preference for a sexual orientation?

As another poster put it, I want to date someone who has the same sexual orientation as me. Someone who’s been open and honest about their sexual preferences throughout our relationship. Not someone who decides they’re going to suddenly announce they fancy a group that have nothing to do with me at all out of nowhere. It is not symptomatic of an open honest relationship.

You don’t have the right to anyone when it comes to sex. Ever.

You're not actually this stupid are you?

It didn’t have the desired effect. You compared bi sexuals to sexual deviants. Completely tone deaf and not appropriate given the history.

🤦🏼‍♀️

For starters I never gave any illegal examples.

Secondly, of course I am coming up with gross examples.... because oddly enough, that is what I find gross. I am allowed to find these things unattractive.

I extended a logical principle (I don’t have boundaries that affect others and if others do they need to have a word) to a point where boundaries are easily found in any rational/moral human being.
It was designed to highlight the shittery of the statement I was responding to.

And for the umpteenth time, I’ve fucked both sexes. I’ve had relationships with both sexes. I do not give the remotest of shits about bisexuality but I do give a shit about the disingenuous pretence that boundaries that affect other people shouldn’t exist or that people are “phobic” for having them.

Busty maybe in the early pages (and I do r agree those posters were painting bi as promiscuous.

But it's now turned into, if you personally don't want to have sex with a bi person because that doesn't turn you on, that preference makes your biphobic.

You say you thought dh always understood you were bi, but here you only just figured it out? If you only recently discovered that you are bi how do you suggest dh already knew?

he either knew or he didnt

sounds like he didnt, so have to face the fallout

you cant dictate who he confides in

Finally you’re twigging on.
Yes. Yes it is.

Use your words.

I don't care what unfortunate souls you got into bed.

You're making vile comparisons between bisexuals and rapists, and should be ashamed of yourself.

@Scorchioo wow- quite the response to your post. I think based on your first post alone there are a few red flags.

I should say that I agree with people wondering why you’ve told him. I think this can be a younger person thing maybe? it’s not always the case that your sexuality is important and central to identity throughout your life so I do think that’s worth bearing in mind when coming out to anyone else. It might feel like identity, it is in fact a protected identity, but to a lot of people it will feel like “why are you telling me who you would like to potentially f**k? What am I supposed to do with that info?”

That said I think there is a lot of biphobia and bi erasure that goes on in wider society so I can understand why bi people would feel upset by such a response from a loved one, especially given that society is largely on its best behaviour with trans and gay people and of course, straight people.

Back to the red flags, it sounds like your husband might be a PoS, not because he was upset, but the way he grilled you, and the way he runs to his mummy who you say weaponises this kind of stuff against you. It sounds like his anger and disgust at this might not be a one off? Do you feel you have to be guarded around him about more than your sexuality?
Its totally a hunch and I may be completely wrong but I think you might be dealing with a verbal abuser. Hope I’m wrong and he just had an extreme reaction to this.
If it is abuse, I’m particularly sorry about some of the negativity you are getting on here, I think people are reacting strongly because they would hate it to happen to them, but it’s a lot to deal with when you’re feeling vulnerable. objectively the way he treated you when he heard was completely out of line. Not acceptable. You shared something true, I can see why it would be a lot for him to process but the entitlement vibe im getting from his reaction does not seem good.

Also- get that other mummy out of the relationship. Sending you strength

Yes it is phobic to lump bisexual people in with people you find “gross”!!! There are lots of things I don’t find attractive. That absolutely doesn’t mean I think they’re gross and disgusting!!! I don’t find men of certain races attractive. I don’t find blonde men attractive. But I do not place them in a category of things I find “gross”. They just happen to be types that don’t do it for me.

Not fancying bi men doesn’t make you biphobic. Lumping them in the category of “people you find gross“ does. It is one thing to acknowledge you don’t find someone attractive and entirely another to calm them gross! FFS!!!!

I did not compare anyone to anything. I simply listed things that I find unacceptable. I did not say that any of the things on my list were on the same level or should be compared. If people aren't understanding this that is on them.