Coming out as Bi to DH

[Scorchioo]

Just over a year ago I came out as bi to DH. A family member who had divorced her husband was now in a relationship with a woman. We were on the subject and I told DH I believed myself to be bisexual. When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past.

It did not go down well. DH was almost sickened by what I told him and immediately started to text his mother as he “needed someone to talk to” I told him I wasn’t comfortable with his mother knowing and that if he needed to talk to someone I would be happy for him to confide in a friend instead. He said I can’t “control who he talks to” His mother is the type to use this information as a weapon against me.

DH then used graphic sexual language grilling me about all the stuff I would do to women. Would I ….. a woman etc. He kept saying he felt sick and if I was really bisexual he couldn’t remain married to me. He felt betrayed and acted like I had cheated on him.

I ended up backtracking and told him I was just confused and that my sexuality is fluid instead.

He then a few weeks after became hugely suffocating, physically touching me all the time and almost “love bombing” me.

We have not mentioned it since.

Has anyone got any experience with this sort of situation?

Just because you don’t care about random people being bi , doesn’t mean you are not biphobic.

It’s like those who claim they have no problem with people of different cultures until, say, one of their children wants to marry a foreigner and all of a sudden the xenophobia comes out; or saying you have no problem with gay people, until your own child comes out, and then suddenly you are horrified , etc.

it’s easy to ignore our prejudices and fears until we are directly and intimately confronted with them- that’s all I meant with the spiders 😘

But so many straight people cheat with members of the opposite sex, why aren’t people more worried about being cheated on in general?

They are! And if their partner suddenly announced to them after years of marriage that although they have always said their type was blonde/short/skinny (or whatever characteristic their partner has), they've just realised they really fancy <characteristic partner does not have>.

Imo it would be odd if their partner didn't suspect from that sudden announcement that hey were looking around for other partners. And it would have nothing to do with thinking dark-haired people or tall people were disgusting or that it ws immoral to find them attractive.

I’m really appalled at some of the crudely drawn comparisons on here. “I wouldn’t be attracted to my partner if I found out he had sex with someone without their consent” or “if I discovered he liked 16 year olds/80 year olds/ pissing and shitting on people” as somehow there is a comparison with being bi!!!!

Being bi is not illegal or disgusting. Why even make these comparisons????

I could understand if someone said “I’m sorry but it gives me the ick”. This is more akin to finding something innocent about a person means that suddenly you’re turned off them. You’re not judging them to be wrong. Or comparing them with peodophiles! Just acknowledging that the information turns you off them. And I’m not saying that it is right or wrong to feel that way about someone who is bisexual. For me, I wouldn’t mind in the slightest if my partner realised he was. It wouldn’t give me the ick at all. But there are other perfectly acceptable things which might give me the ick. And I’d much rather hear people making that comparison than these awful and unjust comparisons with sexual deviants and criminals as if somehow these are in the same ball park. Shows how biphobic people really are despite them shouting “personal preference” as if this somehow makes their phobic statements acceptable.

No, I can CHOOSE to leave a relationship that makes me feel uncomfortable at any time for ANY reason.

Leaving a relationship is not dictating to someone. This is a very controlling view.

If he wanted to be a bisexual man with a straight woman that can accept that, he'd need to go and find one, because I am not it.

Literally a handful of posters may have said they find the act of sex with a bisexual disgusting and/or implied bi people were more promiscuous.

And it's been painted as if the thread is awash with biphobia. Just because many of us choose not to have sex with someone who is bi.

#Spidergate is probably the funniest thing I have come across on MN 😂

Only none of those things are comparators because literally none of them relate to me having to have sex with someone.

You can keep stretching this all you want but ultimately it’s about my sexual attraction and what I want between my legs. Or not as the case maybe. Who my children marry / screw / fancy is nothing to do with this.

But also your spider comparison is ridiculous.

Leave the spiders out of it.

If my kids are gay and/or with someone who is bisexual, I wouldn’t care. Why would I? Their sexuality is what it is, and their boundaries are their own. I wouldn’t expect my children to have to come out if they were gay or bi, no announcement needed.

And I’m a ‘foreigner’ myself so...

Nothing funny about a bit of consenting TarantulaTantric, you phobic disgrace.

But surely your children would have to come out and announce it if they were bi, so as not to deceive potential future partners into thinking they were straight/gay.

For clarification I did not compare bisexuals to the extreme examples I gave in order to suggest they are at the same level of depravity. I pointed out that it doesn't matter whether something is extremely taboo or not at all if that individual person finds something gross or unattractive, how society views it is largely irrelevant.

99% of people would find the examples I gave unacceptable.
Significantly less people would find a small penis unacceptable.
The bottom line is: if I find both unattractive that is my choice, whether one is lesser than the other or not, it is still ultimately a no.

ultimately it’s about mysexual attraction and what I want between my legs

Yeh I get that , and of course you can have sex with whoever you like. No one is disputing this, despite constant claims that they are.
But what I don’t understand is why you think that because this is about sexual choices that automatically means you can’t be driven by prejudice?
let me ask you a question, do you think that who we are or are not willing to have sex with could ever be driven by a bias or prejudice/ phobia?

No I don’t agree. Every single person who has asked why would you tell him unless you were going to act on is showing them self to be biphobic in my opinion, because they cannot see past the ill informed view that being bisexual means they must want to be unfaithful or that they are promiscuous. They cannot understand that being bisexual is an identity and that it is important to recognise who we are. People forget that no one is assuming all the straight people are looking to shag about with the opposite sex, so why assume someone who is bi automatically must mean they intend to act on this. Bisexual people are perfectly capable of monogamy just as straight people are. This thread shows horrendous judgement towards bi people.

Not to their mother.

My underage comparison was a logical extension to somebody pretending that their sexual boundaries wouldn’t affect the individual they were in a relationship with, and that anyone who had boundaries which impact others needs to have a word with themselves.

Sounds lovely and right on on mumsnet but in reality all you have to do to is push and you’ll soon find that suddenly boundaries that do matter and would impact a relationship magically appear somewhere along the line.

Some people say no to bisexuality.
Some say no to meat eating.
Some say no to criminality.
Some say no to having a tinder account.

It is okay to say no. It is not controlling and nobody needs to “have a word with themself” for having a line in the sand.

Wasn’t remotely in comparison to bisexuality which I very clearly do not give a shit about.

Absolutely it could be.

Do you understand that sexual preference isn’t automatically driven by phobia?

I am not attracted to the following:

religious people
women
feminine men
gay men
bi men
bearded men
men who lie
men who are into bdsm
men who don’t wash
men who wear socks up to their knees
short men
thin men
men who wear fake tan
men who are rude
men who are racist
men who are homophobic
men who are cruel to animals or children
men who aren’t successful.

all of that is what turns me on. Or does not. It’s that simple.

Announcing when married that your bi sexual falls into several no nos.

But why use those examples? You are the one who made the comparison by drawing a parallel. You might say well I just meant those were things most people wouldn’t find acceptable, but why use those examples??? I’m not arguing you should find bisexual people attractive. That’s absolutely your choice who turns you on. I feel it wholly unnecessary and incredibly insulting to draw those parallels.

Do you understand that sexual preference isn’t automatically driven by phobia?
Yes of course. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Is that to me?

If so, I am my children’s mother, so no they don’t have to announce their sexuality, preferences or interests to me. That’s between them and their partners/future partners.

🤔

@LostTheMarble I know it may not work for bixsexual people, I know it must be frustrating or inconvenient, but people have every right to want to be in a relationship with someone like them.

Then stop telling everyone who doesn’t want to date a liar who’s bi sexual that they’re bi phobic.

Whilst I agree with you that people have the right to preference your comparator to pretty gross preferences completely blew up your argument. It was poorly formed and an own goal. You blew it with that.

I have just explained why. There was no parallel drawn between bisexual people and the things I mentioned, if that is what you have taken from it you have misinterpreted the comment.

I was highlighting that it doesn't matter whether it is something as big as a penchant for gross sexual acts or as little as not clipping his toenails....
In the grand scheme of things, there is something that I don't like, I won't accept it and I won't be made to accept it by getting labelled 'phobic.'

Laughing at all these people who literally drew a comparison with peodophiles and then said they weren’t comparing.

YES YOU WERE!!!!! You literally posted about not being attracted to them as a defence for someone saying they’re not attracted to bisexual people as if there is a parallel to be drawn.

Then stop calling people phobic for saying their preference is a straight partner.