Coming out as Bi to DH

[Scorchioo]

Just over a year ago I came out as bi to DH. A family member who had divorced her husband was now in a relationship with a woman. We were on the subject and I told DH I believed myself to be bisexual. When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past.

It did not go down well. DH was almost sickened by what I told him and immediately started to text his mother as he “needed someone to talk to” I told him I wasn’t comfortable with his mother knowing and that if he needed to talk to someone I would be happy for him to confide in a friend instead. He said I can’t “control who he talks to” His mother is the type to use this information as a weapon against me.

DH then used graphic sexual language grilling me about all the stuff I would do to women. Would I ….. a woman etc. He kept saying he felt sick and if I was really bisexual he couldn’t remain married to me. He felt betrayed and acted like I had cheated on him.

I ended up backtracking and told him I was just confused and that my sexuality is fluid instead.

He then a few weeks after became hugely suffocating, physically touching me all the time and almost “love bombing” me.

We have not mentioned it since.

Has anyone got any experience with this sort of situation?

@hugosmaid

Astounding lack of understanding here! OP I completely understand. Just because you realise that you are attracted to women as well as men, doesn’t mean at all that you’re planning to act on it, no more than you’re planning to go off and shag other men because you’re attracted to them also! It’s not about what you’re going to do, but who you are.
I think your DH has maybe, like the majority on here, thought this must mean you’re going to go off with other women now. Maybe he feels threatened or jealous and this perhaps explains his behaviour. FWIW I think his behaviour comes across as homophobic and weird, but reading these replies maybe I am in the minority. You seem to be getting a real bashing on here with people assuming you must want to act on these feelings. There is a world of difference between having feelings and acting on them. There is nothing wrong with being attracted to both sexes. I would also not want private information to be shared with someone I didn’t get along with. I know you can’t tell him who he can confide in, and I guess he feels he needs the support but again, I understand you feeling uncomfortable about him sharing this with his mum.

Me too, it would be the end of the relationship.

Sorry @Hugosmaid - I was going to reply, and then changed my mind and my keyboard went strange and posted and wouldn't let me edit. I'm not trying to randomly stalk you.

Random bi men don't bother me as previously stated, multiple times now.
WHY. ARE. YOU. STRUGGLING. SO. HARD. TO. UNDERSTAND. THAT. BASIC. DISTICTION?

because not being bothered by “random bi men”, doesn’t preclude you being biphobic!!

That’s why I drew in the arachnophobia example. My partner isn’t bothered by random spiders out there in the world- only the ones that get up close and personal.

finding bisexuality disgusting even only in a sexual partner is still biphobic.

Oh no, not the spiders again. 😅

Anyway, I'm off to do my nails ready for the start of my local Pride weekend, because if this thread has taught me anything, it's that there's still a long way to go and that it's good when bi people support each other.

Because

NOT WANTING TO FUCK SOMEONE WHO IS BI DOES NOT MEAN YOU DISLIKE THEM AS A PERSON/DON’T THINK THEY DESERVE EQUAL RIGHTS ETC.

IT IS A SEXUAL PREFERENCE.

fuck me
people are hard of understanding

//

I think this is worth repeating.

But so many straight people cheat with members of the opposite sex, why aren’t people more worried about being cheated on in general?
Bi people are perfectly capable of being monogamous and faithful because cheating isn’t (just) about attraction.

I don't understand the spider example - for your partner to not be arachnophobic he would have to be willing to have sex with spiders?

I don’t find it reprehensible because it’s not my boundary.
Ive had sex and relationships with both sexes. Ive always been clear about that and sometimes as others have to accept my past because I can’t change it, I have to accept that some may rule me out because of it.

My comparison was used to highlight that (one would hope) those who claim that their boundaries would not affect their partners have a line in the sand somewhere that would make them reject something that they found unpalatable.

You not caring about a partners sexual past doesn’t mean that other women can’t or shouldn’t.
And that does include not wanting to be intimate with somebody who is same sex attracted.*

*This ties in with the evolution of the discussion, not with the OPs issue which I’ve already said smacks of radical insecurity on her husbands part.

its the most ridiculous comparison 😂

Precisely. it’s a negative biphobic trope to view bisexual people as more likely to be promiscuous and unfaithful. But no biphobia on this thread..

Yes it was a strong reaction from him, but are you being honest with yourself here? It does very much sound like you are laying out the foundations to explore your sexuality further.

It's just the way you've written 'That does not mean I plan to run off with the first woman that walks down the street'.....well yeah. Duh! I should think so! Because you're married! And in a monogamous relationship I assume. Does that mean though that you're thinking of wanting to be with a woman....and that you're just not going to be hasty about it??

Then you say it's a big part of your identity. 🤔

So I should have to fancy or accept sex with a bisexual man when I am straight and fancy straight men, just so I don't upset flakes like you or get call 'phobic'.
The level of investment you appear to have in others peoples sex lives is beyond weird, in fact it is borderline controlling.

Stop DICTACTING to people what they are allowed to find sexually attractive or not.

Do you apply this to other sexualities or is it simply reserved for straight people?

If he had sex with spiders would you still fancy him? Or would you be arachnophobic?

You've put your DH in an impossibly difficult situation and are now dictating to him who he can and can't confide in. YABU. Can't see your marriage surviving tbh. If this was a woman saying her DH was bi sexual the man would be torn to pieces.

@Tandora I think that's reasonable, but I hope you're not suggesting that hetrosexual or homosexual people have to be ok with being in a relationship with bisexual people?

Er no, it doesn’t sound to me like she wants to explore her sexuality. Acknowledgement and exploration are very different. One does not automatically lead to the other. How sad that people assume being bi means promiscuity and cheating!

She is. But no one has to have sex with spiders.

He seriously said that? Ugh.

@Otherstories2002 Oh come on that's just utterly silly. You're talking about some kind of bestiality there!!

Oh the irony. No one can dictate your sexuality to you (by the way, having a relationship with a bi person does not in anyway reflect or change your ‘sexual preference’, that it solely based on the sex you are attracted to), but you can dictate to your husband/spouse who they will find attractive and you will leave them if they don’t give the answer you want.

Read the thread. Not my comparison.

Why, what do you think is so awful about being a in a relationship with someone who is bisexual? How do you think it affects your sexuality in any way what so ever? Do you think you’ll accidentally catch some bi off them?