Coming out as Bi to DH

[Scorchioo]

Just over a year ago I came out as bi to DH. A family member who had divorced her husband was now in a relationship with a woman. We were on the subject and I told DH I believed myself to be bisexual. When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past.

It did not go down well. DH was almost sickened by what I told him and immediately started to text his mother as he “needed someone to talk to” I told him I wasn’t comfortable with his mother knowing and that if he needed to talk to someone I would be happy for him to confide in a friend instead. He said I can’t “control who he talks to” His mother is the type to use this information as a weapon against me.

DH then used graphic sexual language grilling me about all the stuff I would do to women. Would I ….. a woman etc. He kept saying he felt sick and if I was really bisexual he couldn’t remain married to me. He felt betrayed and acted like I had cheated on him.

I ended up backtracking and told him I was just confused and that my sexuality is fluid instead.

He then a few weeks after became hugely suffocating, physically touching me all the time and almost “love bombing” me.

We have not mentioned it since.

Has anyone got any experience with this sort of situation?

If she suddenly said over dinner “I have decided I fancy men of another race” would that be ok? If you’re husband looked at you with your blonde hair and said “I have decided I fancy brunettes” that ok? Or I’ve decided I fancy thin women. Etc.

He sounds a right cunt

that' is a ludicrous question. (the why)

Why?

Why is why a ludicrous question? Surely it’s a very easy question to answer? What is so off putting about a bisexual partner?

Sexuality is never in the past though.

The thing that makes a relationship with a partner different to that of friends is having sex. Sexuality, sexual preferences and sexual interests therefore are a big deal in a romantic relationship.

Sexual boundaries can and should affect who you choose to fuck. It’s what they’re there for.

If somebody has done something in the past which you find unacceptable you have every right to withhold consent from the point of discovery.

You sound very sure of your opinion that “anyone who sees their own boundaries being violated by their partners past sexual encounters needs to have a word with themself.”

The confidence comes with no caveats, right?

Should I keep an eye out for you expressing it the next time someone discovers their other half slept with somebody without consent, or with somebody who was underage, or with prostitutes?

Refusing to continue a relationship under those circumstances would be ”dictating what other people do with their bodies and minds” right?

Or, can people apply their own boundary’s regarding what they’re willing to accept within a relationship without being considered a step below incel ideology?

Someone being bisexual isn’t disgusting. But the idea of a man enjoying sexual relations with a man is a turn off for me, yes. something being a turn off doesn’t mean it’s disgusting, it means it isn’t something which sexually appeals to you.

being a borderline peado, taking advantage of the vulnerable,
I didn't say acting on these, I said if he were to fancy these.
I purposely used socially unacceptable or taboo topics as an example to point that the majority of people would agree these are red lines, but when it comes down to the individual everyone is entitled to find things gross or unattractive, it doesn't matter what they are.

Many pp have been making the distinction that OP being bi doesn't mean she will cheat on her DH with a woman, it does however, mean she still fancies other women, which is obviously unacceptable to her husband.

A man having sex with another man is a sexual turn off. I don’t want to think of my partner and be turned off. It’s been answered lots of times. Some people just don’t like the answer.

In an ideal world news like this shouldn’t matter, it would be one more thing to know about your partner.

It would be a shock though, to the unsuspecting. Whilst the op felt there were obvious signs her husband obviously hadn’t spotted them.

IME some men have some weird fantasies about women experimenting in a lesbian porn way in their youth, but settling down to a settled hetero life and that’s that, so even if there were very clear signs it’s possible that some men just wouldn’t add it up.

I’m bi, or a lesbian (likely bi but my learned dislike for most men clouds that lol). Realised after my marriage (to a man) ended, but I haven’t felt the need to announce it as I’m single and it doesn’t feel like a big deal or something anyone would be interested unless/until I meet someone.

There are definitely biphobic comments here - equating being bi to being shit on - I’m certain the poster didn’t explicitly mean that, but it’s still a very poor comparison and not one that would be made if you didn’t think being bi was inherently wrong.

Announcing it years after marriage and assuming your H has the same knowledge of yourself that you do is unfair. I can imagine your H feels threatened or upset by this, as it would feel like you were announcing it as you were planning to explore it. At the end of the day if this is a dealbreaker for your H that’s up to him and no one else.

But we’re not talking about being perverse or illegal! We’re not even talking about full on sexual contact in relevance to the op - just about being attracted to both sexes. Why are posters now comparing being bisexual to sexual deviance? It’s not comparable situations. Why is simply being attracted to both sexes utterly reprehensible to some here?

DH and I had been dating for several years when he told me that he was straight, and it was a bit of a surprise (although I knew that he definitely had a preference for women so it wasn't a big shock or anything) and I still get a bit weirded out if I actively think about it. But I might not have dated him in the first place if I'd realized, and I would have missed out on a great thing because of my prejudice - I've had bad experiences with straight men and lesbians in the past, which have definitely left me cautious in that area.

So I can understand that it might take a spouse a while to adjust, but it seems excessive to throw away a happy marriage for something so relatively insignificant in a monogamous long term relationship.

Something doesn’t have to be reprehensible to be a turn off ffs.

when I was a teenager I really fancied someone who, for religious reasons, wanted to date a virgin. I wasn’t a virgin / sad for me I didn’t meet his criteria. He’s not to blame for that, neither was I 🤷🏻‍♀️

Are you actually comparing same sex relations to finding out your "other half slept with somebody without consent, or with somebody who was underage, or with prostitutes?"

Wth

I actually agree with this: if the discussions have been had, then it would be a shock. It sounds like in the OP's case though, the husband never asked, even though he knew she'd kissed girls in the past, and now it's a massive deal for him. I think if it was so important to him he should have sought clarification.

Maybe it's just the ingrained assumption that women kiss other women for the enjoyment of men, and he just dismissed it. I once mentioned to a recent-ish boyfriend that I used to get with this one girl at every party as a teenager, and his reaction was something like "gross that you degraded yourself like that just to get the attention of men". I thought I was telling him that I was bi - but he was so unable to comprehend same sex attraction that he just assumed it was for male titillation.

Conversely I wouldn’t want to date a virgin. Guess I’m virgin phobic. Also phobic of men who wear socks and sandals. And men who eat olives. Who use brill cream. Have beards. And like other mens knobs. Who knew I was so phobic eh. I thought I just knew what I was turned on by.

In the context of my reply, two posters (at least) have now compared the sexual boundaries of being turned off by bisexuality as the same as being perverted in some way.

And your example - to you it didn’t seem reprehensible but to him it was. Thats the flaw in attraction based on personal values. He didn’t value you because you were an unworthy woman, soiled in his eyes.

Saying that you find the idea of someone being bi disgusting is absolutely biphobic.
Except in my example it isn't just 'someone' being bi, it is my sexual partner. Random bi men don't bother me as previously stated, multiple times now.
WHY. ARE. YOU. STRUGGLING. SO. HARD. TO. UNDERSTAND. THAT. BASIC. DISTICTION?

Why do you keep saying it would be unacceptable to you “as a straight woman”? your partner being bi doesn’t threaten your sexuality (straight) or your gender (female).

Because it is my choice not to engage in sexual activity with a man who likes men, when I am a woman. Again, not rocket science.

They were had though. She assumed he knew. Which also begs the question why did she then come out 🤷‍♀️

Should I keep an eye out for you expressing it the next time someone discovers their other half slept with somebody without consent, or with somebody who was underage?

That’s not a reasonable comparison as those are crimes, and obviously heinous acts and speak to someone character and moral worth . unless you are suggesting bisexuality also draws someone’s moral character into question?

I could equally have tried that - when people were throwing around “sexual preference” as an excuse for biphobia, (you can’t change your sexuality/ sexual preferences after all!) I could have said- well is fancying children ok because it’s just a “sexual preference”, or what about the “preference” for only have sex with people who withhold consent? I didn’t , because Obviously it wouldn’t be a reasonable equivalency

I wouldn’t go with a bisexual man because I suspect the itch for male sex would keep rearing its head.

I’d probably feel like my woman’s body wouldn’t completely satisfy him.

Id be worried that if he cheated I’d be more at risk of catching a STI

It’s not fair if your bi and your purposely don’t tell your straight new boy/girl friend your sexuality - you’re keeping that secret to get the deal done. It’s deceitful. And those saying they shouldn’t have to tell should probably work on their internalised biphobia.

If you claim that being bisexual IS your identity then shout it loud and proud instead of hiding it to bag a straight person

Do you have no sexual preferences?

So it’s based on your insecurities and your stereotype that bi people are always looking to cheat with the sex they’re currently not with. Even though a straight man is just as likely to cheat on you as a bisexual one. And being bisexual means a woman’s body would satisfy, hence being bisexual not gay. But thank you for actually answering.

As for internalising biphobia, well considering the sneering and disgust from both hetro and homosexual people it’s no surprise most keep their sexuality to themselves.

But I understand that that’s how he saw me, because of his religion. Tbh I didn’t just him for it - we actually got on v well and I suspect he quite liked me but yes, I was a no go

that’s fine. It’s fine for someone to not find me attractive based on something like this. I can’t judge someone for their sexual opinions and preferences. I don’t expect people to judge me for not wanting to date a man who also likes to sleep with men.