Coming out as Bi to DH

[Scorchioo]

Just over a year ago I came out as bi to DH. A family member who had divorced her husband was now in a relationship with a woman. We were on the subject and I told DH I believed myself to be bisexual. When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past.

It did not go down well. DH was almost sickened by what I told him and immediately started to text his mother as he “needed someone to talk to” I told him I wasn’t comfortable with his mother knowing and that if he needed to talk to someone I would be happy for him to confide in a friend instead. He said I can’t “control who he talks to” His mother is the type to use this information as a weapon against me.

DH then used graphic sexual language grilling me about all the stuff I would do to women. Would I ….. a woman etc. He kept saying he felt sick and if I was really bisexual he couldn’t remain married to me. He felt betrayed and acted like I had cheated on him.

I ended up backtracking and told him I was just confused and that my sexuality is fluid instead.

He then a few weeks after became hugely suffocating, physically touching me all the time and almost “love bombing” me.

We have not mentioned it since.

Has anyone got any experience with this sort of situation?

Assuming that her husband knew she was bi is nonsense. And getting married and THEN exploring your sexuality is horrendous.

She didn’t randomly tell him anything. If he’d cared to pay attention the information was already there. And she told him in context, where a woman they knew had left their husband and was now with a woman. It wasn’t like she was making dinner and said ‘pass the carrots, I’m
bisexual, do you also want peas?’. If that was the situation, some sort of massively random announcement with absolutely zero foundation to it, some here may have a point. But there’s been a history of making the connection and the husband seems to suddenly had a shock out of the blue despite this.

I don't get all of these "deceit" comments. Me and DH have never discussed sexual past. We were a good 5+ years into the relationship when he asked me if I'd been in love before, and with who. If he had ever asked "would you consider dating women if you were single?" I'd have said yes. But he never did.

I'm genuinely shocked to read that so many people think I'm violating his "boundaries" and that he may well not be really sexually attracted to me. But what should I do? Apparently raising it now (15 years into the relationship) would mean that I'm prepping him for cheating and I'd be better off keeping my mouth shut. But staying silent is decent.... Go figure.

And even if she did know why is she obliged to disclose this?? How is it deceitful not to?
I don’t get it..

I assume nothing about people’s sexuality.

This isn’t a random thought is it. It’s her spouse. I would absolutely expect my spouse to be confident and open in relation to their sexuality before we got married.

You don’t think you should be honest about your sexuality before you get married…?

Are they required to disclose their whole sexual history? Or is it only the gay stuff you are worried about?

If I found out my DH had a penchant for 16 year old girls, I would be disgusted. If he told me he fancied 80 year old women, I would be disgusted. If he had a secret porn addiction, I would be disgusted. If he told me he'd like to take a dump on my chest, or drink my piss, or sniff my toes....I'd be disgusted. Just like if he told me he was bi.

again. How can people being reading/ writing this stuff and then defending it as not biphobic 😱😱

Neither. I care about their actual sexual orientation and sexual interests not their sexual history.

why are you comparing specific extreme sexual acts with bisexuality? Talk about a false equivalence.

I don’t think sexuality is really an important or cataclysmic thing that needs disclosing or not. If I’m marrying someone the things that matter are that we love each other and have chosen to be in a relationship. Whether they’re straight or bi is neither here nor there. Hence when my partner said he was bi I literally shrugged and got on with my day.

Because

NOT WANTING TO FUCK SOMEONE WHO IS BI DOES NOT MEAN YOU DISLIKE THEM AS A PERSON/DON’T THINK THEY DESERVE EQUAL RIGHTS ETC.

IT IS A SEXUAL PREFERENCE.

fuck me
people are hard of understanding

Were they always open about it or did they suddenly announce it after you were married? Because there’s a big difference.

I think she meant comparing being bi to fancying teenagers or shitting on people. Surely you can see that’s not a neutral comment

Having a same sex attraction isn’t the same as being a borderline peado, taking advantage of the vulnerable, being a pervert or having a particular unsavoury kink. But the fact you’ve been itching to right out say being gay is a perversion this whole thread is barely being held back at this point isn’t it. Literally has nothing to do with the op or bisexuality situation, you really have a personal disgust by homosexuality.

Theres nothing to ‘work with’ in being bisexual. A bi person isn’t as likely to be looking over for greener grass than a heterosexual person.

Many posters (especially yourself) are hypocritical in what you expect of people - too many labels, too many people wanting to ‘say who they are’. Yet also a demand of telling you about their sexual preferences before dessert on the first date comes as well so you know how quickly to dump them…

Not married but he told me after we’d been together for about a year

Fancying young or old women isn't an extreme sexual act, it is a sexual preference just like being bi would mean having a preference for other men, which is something that is unacceptable to me in my relationship as a straight woman.

So he was honest and upfront. Totally different.

Why is the default that people are straight? Genuinely I don't care at all who my partner fancies, as long as they are consenting human adults. If someone cares deeply they should ask their fiance the question. It's not on me to cycle through every characteristic that ISN'T a turn off just to make sure my sexual preferences are to my partner's taste. It's very hard to explain to straight people that when you are bi, someone's sex is just another characteristic, it's not this big important obvious binary that's so ingrained you don't even consider people for dating if they're the wrong side.

I have strong preferences about partner sexual preferences, and I make sure that my partner's align with mine by asking them. Rape fantasies, violence towards women, anything underage-coded (like the sexy school girl manga shit), anything to do with animals (even benign things like cat ears) are all a no for me. I don't expect a man to disclose to me whether he likes school girl outfits out of the blue, I think it's on me to ask, since I am the one who doesn't want to be with him if so.

It's not failing to be honest if you're never asked. My same-sex attraction isn't important to me at all, because I've been in straight relationships for years. It's not part of my identity , I don't consider myself LGBTQ, I have never brought it up in conversation, have never attended a pride march or a bi event. I never think about it at all unless it's in the context of suddenly being into a particular woman (this happens to me every few years, with the same frequency as I get crushes on men. No desire to act on them in any case).

How is it different when we’d already been together for a year? It wouldn’t have made any difference to me if he said it before or after we got married. I assumed you’d expect it to be disclosed in the first weeks of dating judging by your other posts

Saying that you find the idea of someone being bi disgusting is absolutely biphobic.
You seem to have a really narrow understanding of what a phobia is, it doesn’t just mean you openly “dislike” a particular group of people or think they should be denied basic human rights, most phobias are much more insidious than that. Have a peruse:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biphobia

Why do you keep saying it would be unacceptable to you “as a straight woman”? your partner being bi doesn’t threaten your sexuality (straight) or your gender (female).

You can end a relationship for whatever reason, but having a complete freak out and changing your opinion totally about someone you love because they are bi is biphobic, though. Imagine OP said that she had had in her past found men from another race attractive and her husband freaked out the same way... still just preference?

The default isn’t straight but it’s pretty reasonable to expect that at a minimum a man asking me out is attracted to women. If they aren’t that’s a whole other bigger issue.

I expect an honest open sex life where all turn ons are explored and discussed. Not just whether you’re bisexual. Like you say I ask and discuss. Which is why a sudden announcement years after we married that my partner is bi would be a firm no. For a multitude of reasons. It’s not a bi phobic thing as so many are desperate to claim.

@UnimaginableWindBird We’re lucky to live in an era ( and a country) where this is no longer the norm, 60 years ago it would’ve been very different. As for being gay, sex between consenting adults has only been legal since 1967!

Having said that, if some people want to limit their sexual partners for whatever reason, that’s their choice. In our own personal lives, no one should be pressured into accepting a relationship that doesn’t work for them. As a PP said, it’s choice.