Coming out as Bi to DH

[Scorchioo]

Just over a year ago I came out as bi to DH. A family member who had divorced her husband was now in a relationship with a woman. We were on the subject and I told DH I believed myself to be bisexual. When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past.

It did not go down well. DH was almost sickened by what I told him and immediately started to text his mother as he “needed someone to talk to” I told him I wasn’t comfortable with his mother knowing and that if he needed to talk to someone I would be happy for him to confide in a friend instead. He said I can’t “control who he talks to” His mother is the type to use this information as a weapon against me.

DH then used graphic sexual language grilling me about all the stuff I would do to women. Would I ….. a woman etc. He kept saying he felt sick and if I was really bisexual he couldn’t remain married to me. He felt betrayed and acted like I had cheated on him.

I ended up backtracking and told him I was just confused and that my sexuality is fluid instead.

He then a few weeks after became hugely suffocating, physically touching me all the time and almost “love bombing” me.

We have not mentioned it since.

Has anyone got any experience with this sort of situation?

dislike or unfair treatment of bisexual people

Source - Oxford Learners Dictionary

So not the same as not wanting to have sex with a bi person. At all.

@kkloo it can go both ways (which is a very apt phrase for this thread) which is pretty much my point.

People are judged for all sorts of reasons, and it's naīve to think that our views which seem perfectly normal and sensible aren't seen and disgusting and abhorrent by other people (who think their own views are perfectly normal and sensible).

No. People like you do that to get away with saying shit. This is what you said in your now edited with a full stop post.

Nah, It was just the idea of you proudly wearing your heterosexuality as a badge of honour. It was just giving me MAGA-type vibes. 🤮

And thinking that gay sex is “ewww” is definitely offensive, sorry.

I never have said, and never would say, that gay sex is ‘ewww’. I don’t think it is, it’s just not a turn on for me.

And you are homophobic. Telling a same-sex attracted woman that she should be willing to have sex with men...

All sex is a bit eww. That's what's makes it fun but why we don't do it in public.

I agree. Trans ideology is so often homophobic.

Not wanting to have sex with a person of a specific orientation is your definition?

Might be easier if you read the quotes I’m responding to. They’ll give you an inkling of which parts of the thread I’m responding to at the time.

But for simplicity.
I have said -

People can have whatsoever sexual boundaries they want.
Accusing people who have sexual boundaries of “phobia” is not acceptable.

A revelation of a partner having slept with men has no bearing on ME.
It is perfectly acceptable for similar revelations to have a bearing for OTHERS.

If you don’t find my input relevant, bypass it. Nobody is holding a gun to your head.

“people like me”- stop it. 🙄

I know you didn’t say gay sex was “eww” - I was responding to you saying it would be childish to find it offensive if someone did say it was ewww. Clear and productive line of debate? No. Which is why I replaced the post.

Finding it a problem to the point you’d divorce them/be disgusted/assume they’re cheating/call them a liar for not disclosing it at the altar all falls under my definition.

Not disclosing your sexuality is deceitful. Not being attracted to a specific sexual orientation is not phobic. I’m not attracted to women either but am certainly not women phobic.

As we’ve not got someone telling a lesbian they should accept dick in their life though it’s clear the thought process that’s arrived and it’s not that involves any ability to reason.

except I never said anything of the sort

I was just pointing out that I hadn’t said gay sex is eww, which is what another poster insinuated.

Not wanting to sleep with a man who is attracted to men, is not the same as thinking being gay or bisexual is disgusting or the sex they have is disgusting,

Sexual boundaries are for yourself, they are not to be put on other people. Saying you will not continue a relationship with someone because they have had safe, consensual sex with someone you yourself (in the general sense) wouldn’t find attractive is not putting your boundaries in place, it’s dictating what other people shouldn’t do with their own mind and bodies. It’s just a step below the incel ideology that ‘women should never be touched by any man until marriage, otherwise she’s ruined’. Well being touched by someone of the same sex isn’t going to ruin a person either, and whilst they’re entitled to their opinion mine is that anyone who sees their own boundaries being violated by their partner’s past sexual encounters is the one who needs a word with themselves.

This !!

People think they can say and do all sorts of crap these days , but if they call it a “boundary” no one else is allowed to point out they are an arsehole .

Coming out as bi when your years in to a ‘straight’ marriage is bull shit.

Attention seeking at best deceitful at worst.

There was zero need to drop this now unless she wanted attention or was thinking of fucking off.

She hasn’t done that though has she. She’s randomly told her spouse she’s bi.

The irony in this post. 🤣

People can do what they like, but men don’t get to stay in a relationship with me if I found out they were bisexual. I don’t have to find that attractive, I don’t owe them a relationship. If anything in their past isn’t something I like, I can get rid

Completely agree (again, apparently!)

I can understand why any shocking revelations x months or years into a marriage would be completely destabilising. Not necessarily sexual ones either.
We regularly see women horrified / disgusted that Mr has run up credit card debt, or has an online dating profile, or gambles and the responses are vastly different and largely supportive.
I think that the feeling decieved / kept in the dark element is probably the biggest kicker compared to the actual issue at hand.

I think you're forgetting the OP's situation where she had basically assumed that her husband already knew she liked girls from before they were together. He'd pushed this from his mind such that when she raises it again, he grilled his wife about sex acts then ran to mummy. She wasn't deceitful, she was opening up about her growing understanding of her own feelings and he shut everything down in a gay panic.

How is it deceitful if the person didn’t consider themselves bi when you met? Do you assume everyone is straight unless they tell you otherwise?

Sexuality should never be a big part of someone’s identity unless they work in the porn “industry”.

it’s only recently that I’m comfortable identifying as bi

Yet in the same post you say you assumed he knew. How did you expect him to know, if you're only coming to terms with it yourself recently?

If my husband suddenly told me he was bisexual I'd think he was paving the way to tell me he had actually developed feelings for another man.

Or she was just having a conversation? I just can’t get my head around these attitudes at all?

Been married a while, monogamous relationship longer than that.

I guess I look at being in what is intended to be a long term/forever relationship as having chosen and the primary difference that being bi makes is that the pre monogamous commitment field was bigger but doesn't really change the situation post marriage.

Pre marriage me would have no problem with dating (and later marrying) someone who was openly bi, I'd be pleased they'd chosen me out of all of the "available" choices but discussing sexuality post marriage seems a bit like planning for the marriage to fail. Which is a bit difficult in a marriage.