Page 26 | Coming out as Bi to DH

Tandora · 30/05/2024 20:34

Otherstories2002 · 30/05/2024 20:32

I think all sex that doesn’t involve me is ewwww. What am I?

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So then you would only date someone who was asexual? (other than their attraction to you I suppose..)

YouJustDoYou · 30/05/2024 20:34

"It did not go down well

Well...duh.

Otherstories2002 · 30/05/2024 20:36

LostTheMarble · 30/05/2024 20:33

It was very obviously a sarcastic response to how people like yourself or the OPs husband finds same sex encounters.

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Only I don’t find them ewwww anymore than anyone else having sex. It’s just not for me. I’m also not turned on by oral sex, nipple twisting, BDSM or a foot massage. Not phobic. Just not interested.

Otherstories2002 · 30/05/2024 20:37

Tandora · 30/05/2024 20:34

So then you would only date someone who was asexual? (other than their attraction to you I suppose..)

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I enjoy sex when I am involved. A sexual is not that.

SloaneStreetVandal · 30/05/2024 20:37

Scorchioo · 30/05/2024 11:26

Just over a year ago I came out as bi to DH. A family member who had divorced her husband was now in a relationship with a woman. We were on the subject and I told DH I believed myself to be bisexual. When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past.

It did not go down well. DH was almost sickened by what I told him and immediately started to text his mother as he “needed someone to talk to” I told him I wasn’t comfortable with his mother knowing and that if he needed to talk to someone I would be happy for him to confide in a friend instead. He said I can’t “control who he talks to” His mother is the type to use this information as a weapon against me.

DH then used graphic sexual language grilling me about all the stuff I would do to women. Would I ….. a woman etc. He kept saying he felt sick and if I was really bisexual he couldn’t remain married to me. He felt betrayed and acted like I had cheated on him.

I ended up backtracking and told him I was just confused and that my sexuality is fluid instead.

He then a few weeks after became hugely suffocating, physically touching me all the time and almost “love bombing” me.

We have not mentioned it since.

Has anyone got any experience with this sort of situation?

He doesn't approve, and he doesn't have to. There are lots of things that are lawful and/or socially acceptable that people don't approve of.

If you weren't married to him, it would be unacceptable of him to give you his opinion - as it is, it's quite a significant thing to have kept from your spouse.

I've known several people who identified as bisexual who subsequently came out as gay; as though they were just 'preparing' people before they came out. Your husband is perhaps worried that you're building up to that.

Verv · 30/05/2024 20:37

Tandora · 30/05/2024 20:32

.

Edited

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I think you need to grow up a bit.
Unless you also believe it’s close to criminal that a lesbian like myself would think that fucking a hairybacked fella was eeew, because I do.

(Sorry heterosexual women. Please do try not to die of offence)

tellmewhenthespaceshiplandscoz · 30/05/2024 20:38

Easy Verv you're triggering me

Otherstories2002 · 30/05/2024 20:39

Verv · 30/05/2024 20:37

I think you need to grow up a bit.
Unless you also believe it’s close to criminal that a lesbian like myself would think that fucking a hairybacked fella was eeew, because I do.

(Sorry heterosexual women. Please do try not to die of offence)

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All the more for us 😘

DreamingOfItAll · 30/05/2024 20:40

Tandora · 30/05/2024 20:32

.

Edited

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I didn’t say gay sex was ‘ewww’.

Your mask is slipping,

Tandora · 30/05/2024 20:40

Otherstories2002 · 30/05/2024 20:37

I enjoy sex when I am involved. A sexual is not that.

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sure and that’s completely fair enough. The conversation was about people being grossed out by people being bi to the extent that they would divorce their partner if they found out they were bi.

Inmynotgivingafuckera · 30/05/2024 20:41

I am struggling to articulate why but if my DH now suddenly “came out” to me there is something about it that would unsettle me.

We know pretty much everything about each other and equally I wouldn’t want him to feel he had to keep any secrets from me. But I would question why now. And why the “coming out”. It feels like a significant event. Why now, what’s changed.

As I said it would unsettle me.

It’s quite a bit change to wrap your head around.

I think if your sexuality is such a significant part of your identity in intimate relationships that this coming out, the grand statement, is naturally going to make you question the foundations of your relationship.

Otherstories2002 · 30/05/2024 20:41

Tandora · 30/05/2024 20:40

sure and that’s completely fair enough. The conversation was about people being grossed out by people being bi to the extent that they would divorce their partner if they found out they were bi.

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Literally not one person has said that.

You are making massive leaps.

LostTheMarble · 30/05/2024 20:42

Verv · 30/05/2024 20:37

I think you need to grow up a bit.
Unless you also believe it’s close to criminal that a lesbian like myself would think that fucking a hairybacked fella was eeew, because I do.

(Sorry heterosexual women. Please do try not to die of offence)

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This isn’t about making you change your sexuality though. And I know that is a contentious topic in itself but this thread is now drifting from its original point into a very ‘what about me and my feelings?!’ situation rather than accepting it’s about someone else having a lightbulb moment about themselves.

Tandora · 30/05/2024 20:42

DreamingOfItAll · 30/05/2024 20:40

I didn’t say gay sex was ‘ewww’.

Your mask is slipping,

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What mask ? 🙄

DreamingOfItAll · 30/05/2024 20:42

Tandora · 30/05/2024 20:32

.

Edited

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We can read your edited posts you know. 🤣

Tandora · 30/05/2024 20:45

DreamingOfItAll · 30/05/2024 20:42

We can read your edited posts you know. 🤣

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Yes I know how mumsnet works. I just decided it was an unhelpful derail.

Jenasaurus · 30/05/2024 20:46

I suppose it made him insecure. He felt possibly that you have settled for him but a woman is your preference. Also you didn't feel able to share this information with him earlier in the relationship which may make him wonder what else doesn't he know. If he announced a few years into married life he was attracted to men would you feel confused and worried he wasn't who you fell in love with.

Ratisshortforratthew · 30/05/2024 20:46

Otherstories2002 · 30/05/2024 20:41

Literally not one person has said that.

You are making massive leaps.

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…..are we reading the same thread? Several people have said that.

I’m not sure what all these “your mask is slipping” type comments are trying to infer either. Is someone not allowed a different opinion to you without you insinuating they’re a troll or whatever it is you’re getting at?

Verv · 30/05/2024 20:48

LostTheMarble · 30/05/2024 20:42

This isn’t about making you change your sexuality though. And I know that is a contentious topic in itself but this thread is now drifting from its original point into a very ‘what about me and my feelings?!’ situation rather than accepting it’s about someone else having a lightbulb moment about themselves.

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That is in no way related to the point I was making.

However, if a person has a “lightbulb moment” about themselves, their partner/husband/wife is not duty bound to accept it. I believe that is the point of the thread.

UnimaginableWindBird · 30/05/2024 20:49

This is getting to sound like those internet men who care about a woman's "body count" and won't date women who've had sex with 5 or more people as they think they are less attractive because they are more likely to carry disease, be mentally ill, be unfaithful and sexually unsatisfied, be unfeminine and unwilling to commit to a relationship.

i mean, they can set their boundaries, and they aren't unreasonable, and I will respect those boundaries and certainly don't think that they should be pressured into sleeping with sexually experienced women, but I'm also likely to make assumptions about their values and general outlook on life based on those boundaries.

Otherstories2002 · 30/05/2024 20:50

Ratisshortforratthew · 30/05/2024 20:46

…..are we reading the same thread? Several people have said that.

I’m not sure what all these “your mask is slipping” type comments are trying to infer either. Is someone not allowed a different opinion to you without you insinuating they’re a troll or whatever it is you’re getting at?

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Having a different opinion is fine. Telling someone they’re phobic for a sexual preference is not.

kkloo · 30/05/2024 20:51

UnimaginableWindBird · 30/05/2024 20:49

This is getting to sound like those internet men who care about a woman's "body count" and won't date women who've had sex with 5 or more people as they think they are less attractive because they are more likely to carry disease, be mentally ill, be unfaithful and sexually unsatisfied, be unfeminine and unwilling to commit to a relationship.

i mean, they can set their boundaries, and they aren't unreasonable, and I will respect those boundaries and certainly don't think that they should be pressured into sleeping with sexually experienced women, but I'm also likely to make assumptions about their values and general outlook on life based on those boundaries.

But likewise we can make assumptions about people who refuse to accept that being attracted to heterosexuality is valid.

Judgement and assumptions can go both ways.

Ratisshortforratthew · 30/05/2024 20:52

Otherstories2002 · 30/05/2024 20:50

Having a different opinion is fine. Telling someone they’re phobic for a sexual preference is not.

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Well, your and my definition of biphobia is clearly different, which is…a difference of opinion.

AussiUnHomme · 30/05/2024 20:53

jellywelly467 · 30/05/2024 19:59

Lovely way to stereotype

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It's not stereotyping.

It's fantasising.

LostTheMarble · 30/05/2024 20:56

Verv · 30/05/2024 20:48

That is in no way related to the point I was making.

However, if a person has a “lightbulb moment” about themselves, their partner/husband/wife is not duty bound to accept it. I believe that is the point of the thread.

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What point are you making exactly? Because you seems to go between ‘I agree I wouldn’t choose a partner who was unsure of their sexuality’, to ‘we’ve both slept with men in the past’ to ‘you expect me as a lesbian to sleep with men?’. Whatever your viewpoint is, you’re certainly making it about you from all sorts of angles which are becoming less relevant.

No, no one has to accept anything. But if the revelation has little bearing on your love and commitment to each other in a relationship then why is it suddenly a case of disgust and possible divorce for many here?