Coming out as Bi to DH

[Scorchioo]

Just over a year ago I came out as bi to DH. A family member who had divorced her husband was now in a relationship with a woman. We were on the subject and I told DH I believed myself to be bisexual. When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past.

It did not go down well. DH was almost sickened by what I told him and immediately started to text his mother as he “needed someone to talk to” I told him I wasn’t comfortable with his mother knowing and that if he needed to talk to someone I would be happy for him to confide in a friend instead. He said I can’t “control who he talks to” His mother is the type to use this information as a weapon against me.

DH then used graphic sexual language grilling me about all the stuff I would do to women. Would I ….. a woman etc. He kept saying he felt sick and if I was really bisexual he couldn’t remain married to me. He felt betrayed and acted like I had cheated on him.

I ended up backtracking and told him I was just confused and that my sexuality is fluid instead.

He then a few weeks after became hugely suffocating, physically touching me all the time and almost “love bombing” me.

We have not mentioned it since.

Has anyone got any experience with this sort of situation?

Well I think it’s homophobic , which is why I said so.

Do you get turned on by the thought of your partner's previous sexual encounters?

If not, why is it relevant if they've had same-sex encounters in their past? It's not like you're being forced to participate, is it?

If you found out your partner was bisexual, he/she wouldn't be asking you to find it a bloody turn on.

WTF??? So bisexual is a trendy label now? God, this thread is unbelievable! I guess all of us cheating, promiscuous, disgusting "trendy label" bisexuals know just where we stand now.

I am phobic if I don't want a gay/bi man in my bed as a straight woman.

Listen to yourself... that is frightening. Who brainwashed you?

The gay men in my life wouldn’t want a woman in their bed either tbf. Boobs and vag are not their thing at all.

Neither of them would date a bisexual man, as one of them told me once, he likes dick and only men who like dick. 🤣

Are you sexually attracted to all humans?

Is being biphobic a sexuality now?

Husband is a bigot, and a lot of the posters are deeply insecure in their relationship if they couldn't handle this. My partner is bi, I knew this when we first started dating, but it would have been weird if it was hidden or forbidden from being mentioned.

No, you are phobic because you said you think gay/bi men are less masculine and disgusting.

Listen to yourself. Those were YOUR words.

Setting a clear boundary and walking away is the opposite of insecure.

Is it?

You admitted that you would get pissed if you found out your husband felt sexual attraction to a woman who was the opposite of you-does that sound very secure to you?

But if you found out your girlfriend/wife had sexual encounters with a man and hadn’t felt comfortable talking about it until years into your relationship, would you consider leaving her? And as a gay woman can you not see how much more difficult it is to admit off the bat you’ve had same sex experience simply because of reactions such as we’ve seen here?

I also see your point to a degree but you’re ironically not taking in lived experience into consideration when it’s a hetro couple and one comes out as bi. The reaction will be different due to lived experience as opposed to a gay woman not wanting to be with a bi/bi curious woman.

@TTCno1x Exactly, he wouldn’t have been the right person for you.

It would have been upsetting to think that he couldn't accept something about me I have literally no control over.

If you meet someone and you don’t find them attractive, can you help it? What are you supposed to do if you don’t find something attractive?

Of course people are allowed to have sexual preferences, otherwise we would all be labelled as pansexual. If people want to label me as biphobic or homophobic then so be it, I don't care about anyone's sexuality, apart from my partner's.

Being only attracted to straight people is a sexuality.

If you want to label that as biphobic then go ahead but you're also some kind of phobic yourself then because you're refusing to accept other peoples sexuality and are trying to force people to change their sexuality just because you're uncomfortable with it.

It’s not irrelevant, but by making a point of announcing it to him it’s like there’s more to follow later on. I can see how it would make him feel insecure. Not homophobic at all. In fact I know someone who came out as gay and left her husband. He’s probably worried that she’s going to leave him. That doesn’t mean he’s homophobic FFS 🤦‍♀️

I don’t get turned off by it. 😉 I like hetero sex. Deal with it.

I wouldn’t be with a partner who had been involved with BDSM in the past, even if he didn’t want to do it with me. Because it’s a turn off for me.

It’s relevant because my sexual preferences and interests are important.

Probably have a problem because he's arachnophobic

@DreamingOfItAll That’s pretty much what my neighbors said after a few drinks. 🤣

Thanks for a laugh in a very depressing thread 🤣

Oh you're changing the tune and going down that route now because you weren't prepared to die on the other hill you were calling me phobic for.

I didn't say bi men are disgusting, I just don't want to fuck one.

I did say gay/bi men are less masculine. I stand by that, because they generally are. That isn't phobic that is an observation backed up by many.

A history of sexual encounters is different to suddenly in a marriage announcing your sexual orientation is not what your spouse had been led to believe. If my husband announced he slept with a man once and end result not for him that would be fine with me. Because that’s my boundary. And here’s the reality, when it comes to sex you can have whatever boundaries you want.

I see endless threads on this site from women who are unhappy asking if they would be unreasonable for ending a relationship. The answer is always no. It’s always ok to end a relationship. For whatever reason.

It is also gross to tell women (or men) that they’re phobic for a sexual preference.

And worse to tell someone they have to accept a marriage based on deceit.

Ah good analogy. That does work!

No one brainwashed me. Hetero-patriarchy brainwashed you into thinking that male same sex attraction is so disgusting/ repulsive that you would have to immediately divorce a man you loved enough to marry if you found out that he harboured it.

And yet you will still say you're not homophobic.

Oh, by the way, this is our FIRST interaction so stop talking as if I've changed any tune because I haven't had a tune with you to change. OK?