Coming out as Bi to DH

[Scorchioo]

Just over a year ago I came out as bi to DH. A family member who had divorced her husband was now in a relationship with a woman. We were on the subject and I told DH I believed myself to be bisexual. When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past.

It did not go down well. DH was almost sickened by what I told him and immediately started to text his mother as he “needed someone to talk to” I told him I wasn’t comfortable with his mother knowing and that if he needed to talk to someone I would be happy for him to confide in a friend instead. He said I can’t “control who he talks to” His mother is the type to use this information as a weapon against me.

DH then used graphic sexual language grilling me about all the stuff I would do to women. Would I ….. a woman etc. He kept saying he felt sick and if I was really bisexual he couldn’t remain married to me. He felt betrayed and acted like I had cheated on him.

I ended up backtracking and told him I was just confused and that my sexuality is fluid instead.

He then a few weeks after became hugely suffocating, physically touching me all the time and almost “love bombing” me.

We have not mentioned it since.

Has anyone got any experience with this sort of situation?

People who are only attracted to straight people are constantly told their sexuality is wrong.

If only LGB people could begin to imagine what it's like to be told their sexuality is wrong...

Why would I want to "erode your boundaries"? I have no idea who you are, and I'm definitely not trying to sleep with you.

I think we're talking cross purposes. Obviously you can leave for any reason. But if I loved someone and they loved me, and we'd built a life together, I'd at least want to reflect on what exactly it is about the situation that's a deal breaker for me and just check that it really is the end of the road.

"Boundaries" as you call them - I'd call them sexual or romantic preferences - do not come mandated from heaven. We have the preferences that we have for all sorts of reasons. Some of those reasons might be rooted in prejudice that on reflection we'd rather give up. If it were my husband, who loves me, I'd hope he would at least reflect on where this aversion to bisexuality is rooted. Not because he owes me something or I want to "erode his boundaries" but simply because he loves me and the assumption is we want our relationship to work if possible. If he really couldn't get past the idea of me being attracted to women as well as men, then that would be it, of course. But it's not wrong to ask why that is, and whether there is prejudice that he himself would be happy to overcome involved.

To really lay my cards on the table - and believe me, this is not something I ever admit to IRL - I totally understand someone else's sexual preferences being a deal-breaker. An early formative relationship of mine was with a man who turned out had a fetish for anthros - like for half-human half-animal creatures. Absolute deal breaker for me, and I loved this man like crazy. But for me, I simply could not - and did not want to - overcome the complete revulsion I felt about sleeping with someone who is turned on by (half)animals. It makes me feel sick. But I am still (some decades later) friends with him and don't at all think it's a moral failing. It just seriously is not for me, sex-wise!

So anyway, I hope it's obvious that I don't think all preferences about partners' preferences can or should be eliminated. But if I were married I'd really want to understand whether it's a preference like the one I've described, or something else. In the case of bisexuality, it often is ingrained prejudice (like the promiscuous myth, or adherence to gender roles).

Because masculinity is attractive to me.

and that’s it in a nutshell. Flagrant, unabashed homophobia. You find male same sex attraction disgusting.

Oh ffs not this again. Saying a preference is clearly born of some deep seated prejudice is not the same as saying “you have to change your preference and sleep with people you don’t want to”. It can be simultaneously true that you can absolutely rule out whoever you want sexually, while ALSO displaying prejudice in those choices. It’s one thing saying you only want straight partners but finding it disgusting that your husband could be attracted to men? That’s very negative emotive language that suggests you find male/male attraction disgusting, ergo…homophobia. Also a bi husband isn’t gay…he’s bi. There’s a fairly big difference

I think the heart of this is that you really need to tell your DH what you told us, to explain why you told him. This is a communication issue, and the more I think of it, the issue itself is something of a distraction.

I'd have been very confused, because that wouldn't have been the reaction I'd have expected, knowing him as I did. But I would have concluded that he wasn't the one for me if he had that reaction. It would have been upsetting to think that he couldn't accept something about me I have literally no control over.

Being bi or gay doesn’t necessarily make someone less masculine!

I think if you tell your partner about a sexual interest that doesn’t include them, they are bound to feel a bit insecure. If my partner said he found tall women of a different ethnicity really attractive, I wouldn’t be leaping around with joy.

Let's just ignore the context, shall we and jump straight to the good all biphobic comments and yes, it's absolutely biphobic to assume that just because someone is bisexual it automatically means that they're looking to cheat.

OP (if people bothered their arses to read) admitted it to her DH in the context that a woman they knew got divorced (from a man) and their new partner was a woman. So, OP admitted to her DH that she, herself, has been with women in the past and has wondered if she was bisexual.

It's not fucking like she came out of the blue and said it, is it? It happened in the middle of a conversation about a woman leaving a man and ending up with another woman.

But sure, all you posters who are crawling around, ignoring the context of the "coming out" keep pretending that you're not being biphobic at all to suggest that this admission must be because she's looking to shag around and not because they were discussing a relevant topic where such an admission may be natural to come out.

FFS.

I just responded to another poster about why initial attraction doesn't equal your sexuality so I won't write it out again but it should just be a few posts up.

sorry about all the shitty answers you've had on here, they aren't helpful and congratulations on coming out!

I had a similar experience although my husbands reaction was very different. I'm sorry your husband reacted in this way, he is completely entitled to feel upset or confused and wonder if this will change your marriage, particularly if you told him the news on the back of someone else leaving a man and then getting together with a woman, however outing you to his mum is really unfair.
I met my husband when I was very young, knew I was interested in women but I thought everyone felt a bit like that and never spoke about it, I also felt ashamed because the language around bi people can focus on being greedy/promiscuous and that wasn't me. As I got older and from speaking to other women I realised that I was bisexual. I chose to tell my husband because he is the most important person in my life and I want him to know everything about me and I didn't want any secrets. His reaction was fine (I think he had an inkling) he was concerned this might be something I wanted to explore but I confirmed I didnt, I just wanted to kind of figuire it out with the person I trust the most!
Don't know if that helps, you're welcome to message me if you ever want to chat 😊

oh that’s ok then.

Sinilarly for many of us it’s nothing to do with assumption they want to cheat.

If my husband told me he was sexually attracted to thin brunettes I would be pretty pissed as well.

Of course, but that wouldn't change how I would view my DH if he disclosed he was bi.

you are literally saying that you find male same sex attraction disgusting and claiming that’s not homophobic?!

Depends what you consider to be sexually masculine really.

But here we are, more policing of sexual attraction. God forbid it would “fuck who you fancy and no one else”.

Literally not what she said. At all.

Ignore everyone asking why you told him…he’s your husband. I’d imagine you love and trust him and want to share something that is an important part of who you are. At the same time I can understand that this may have shocked him. Does not excuse his behaviour but perhaps explains it. I hope between you you can figure it out.

It’s literally exactly what she said

Because I would be disgusted at the idea of him finding men attractive, it is that simple

@Otherstories2002

So if (as you said in another post) you believed he already knew you were bi, why did you feel you needed to tell him again?

They do understand how it feels, that's why they shouldn't be doing the same to straight people.

Of course it's not always LGB people who do it and sometimes it's just the allies or those who are being PC but perhaps they should take a moment to think about just how hypocritical they are being.

People act like this is an issue that needs to be fixed or corrected and that they can change this by making it un-PC to only want a straight partner, but this is a fixed part of many peoples sexualities.

It is actually literally what she said, and the word literally is often misused. This thread is the ‘I’m not racist but’ of homophobia/anti same sex attraction…

No, I'd find the man that I have sex with disgusting if he fancied other men.
What random strangers do, doesn't bother at all.
How many more times do you need this repeating?