Coming out as Bi to DH

[Scorchioo]

Just over a year ago I came out as bi to DH. A family member who had divorced her husband was now in a relationship with a woman. We were on the subject and I told DH I believed myself to be bisexual. When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past.

It did not go down well. DH was almost sickened by what I told him and immediately started to text his mother as he “needed someone to talk to” I told him I wasn’t comfortable with his mother knowing and that if he needed to talk to someone I would be happy for him to confide in a friend instead. He said I can’t “control who he talks to” His mother is the type to use this information as a weapon against me.

DH then used graphic sexual language grilling me about all the stuff I would do to women. Would I ….. a woman etc. He kept saying he felt sick and if I was really bisexual he couldn’t remain married to me. He felt betrayed and acted like I had cheated on him.

I ended up backtracking and told him I was just confused and that my sexuality is fluid instead.

He then a few weeks after became hugely suffocating, physically touching me all the time and almost “love bombing” me.

We have not mentioned it since.

Has anyone got any experience with this sort of situation?

Why?

Can you answer it again for me, please. I can't seem to see where you've answered it. I'm a lesbian. I'm often called transphobic because I won't contemplate sex with a man who says he's a woman. I've been called biphobic on this thread because I've asked difficult questions about all the spicy straight women self-identifying as bisexual. I'm aiming for a phobic full house. Go on. Call me straightphobic and make my day.

Not in your book that a person can't have boundaries or preferences in their own sexual relationships.
You wouldn't need to be divorcing me ASAP, you'd wake up to papers on your pillow.

Are you sexually attracted to gay people?

I really don't understand a lot of the replies here, especially the ones saying
why would you tell him. I'm bisexual and told my husband of 17 years a few months into our relationship. He was really supportive and loved me just the same, which is exactly how I'd feel if he told me he was bisexual tomorrow. I don't want to speak for OP but why should she have to keep it a secret? Personally It's a big part of my identity and shouldn't have to be kept a secret just because I won't "act on it". She shouldn't have to keep that part of herself hidden to the person who ought to love her more than anyone else. Also being bisexual and wanting to tell your loved ones does absolutely not mean that you have any plans to act on it, it's about wanting to live authentically.

someone who is likely to cheat
• less 'manly' if they are male
• physically/sexually repulsive...

///

I don't think this at all about a bisexual person or lesbians. I may simply just not find the idea of sex with them a turn on.

That does not make me homophobic. At all. Otherwise pp is correct. My boundaries mean fuck all as it's more important to be sexually inclusive? That's messed up.

And quite frankly the insistence of some posters pushing this as homophobia with a side order of patronising "you're perfectly entitled to feel that way but ... " is quite disturbing.

Yes (I’m straight)

I’ve copied it twice, you can read the thread, and you do sound very transphobic (not a bit surprising on mumsnet) 😨

It wouldn’t have concerned me if DH told me he was bi prior to marriage. However, if he suddenly revealed it, I would be really confused. Why are you telling me who you are attracted to?!

As far as I’m concerned, he is only attracted to me. That’s clearly not true but he doesn’t need to discuss it. No more than I need to tell him who I am attracted to.

You’re bang on. Basically these days you have to be prepared to have sex with everyone or you’re phobic.

Have a conversation with his wife and clarify what she intends to do?

It doesn’t sound like she said, “Hey, you know how Jessica left Rob for a woman? Well, I like women too.” It sounds like they happened to be talking about “Jessica” and “Rob” and she impulsively took an imperfect opportunity.

Thanks! 😁

Yes sexuality isn't a choice.

You sure about that? Surely the moment people started chanting Transwomen are Women, No Debate and men started trying to get into lesbian events by saying they are same-sex attracted women, the idea that sexuality isn't a choice went out of the window. If you can choose your sex, you can choose your sexuality. If not, why not?

@LostTheMarble I completely agree that sexuality isn’t a choice, it’s an inherent characteristic. If someone isn’t attracted to that characteristic, they can’t help that, can they?

Thank you! 😁

Wow. I mean at least you’re honest about it. Thing is most people have that one person of the same sex that have caused the odd ‘funny feeling’. Just read on social media how many men openly profess how they’re straight as a lace but would probably never say no to Ryan Reynolds or Henry Cavill - yes likely in jest but you never know. Having a sense of attraction doesn’t mean jack shit in all honesty.

They were attracted to a lie. That’s the point and what you’re missing.

They are though.

You seem to think that if you look at a person and think they're attractive then that means you're sexually attracted to them?? No that's not the case at all.

I could think someone is objectively attractive but then not be sexually attracted to them for various reasons if I spoke to them or if I found out stuff about them because my sexuality is based on more than initial appearances.

I mean there are some lesbians out there who could pass for hot men. I could look at them and think oh he's hot....that doesn't mean that I'm attracted to women because I happened to think that that one woman who looked like a man was a hot man. There would be no chance of an initial attraction developing to further sexual attraction for me once I found out that she was a woman!!

Or there could be people who think someone is very attractive and then find out later on that they were a teenager who just happened to look much older, does that mean that they're a peadophile????? No

Sometimes we might think a persons image matches up to what we desire sexually and would be in line with our sexuality but then we learn more and the attraction is gone.

He's still hoping for that threesome...

I assume you’re talking about opposite sex gay people. Well, if I found them attractive then yes I would be attracted to them. I’d be aware that no relationship/sex would ever happen on account of them being gay and obviously wouldn’t act on the attraction but why would that stop me finding them physically attractive? Weird question. Plenty of women found Andrew Scott in fleabag attractive, and I’ve got some news for you about him…

I generally thought he knew I was bi when we first met

It’s part of my identity and something I had recently discovered

I'm confused ... unless your marriage is also very recent, which one of these is it?

NO it isn't. How tedious you label throwers get. I have no feelings towards gay men. Live and let live. But I don't want a gay husband. I am allowed my own preferences and to choose what I find attractive in a man.

You are literally telling straight people they are 'phobic' if they don't fancy anyone who isn't straight. That is extremely manipulative.

Being sexually attracted in itself is knowing whether you are into men or women, physical attraction. Characteristics can change, your own personal tastes can change. Many people have a set idea of personal characteristics they would like in a person and end up falling in love with someone who doesn’t match half of their ideas in their mind. You’re not ‘sexually attracted’ to someone being white, or tall or a Labour voter, those things just help.

@TTCno1x Would you have judged him if he’s said, I’m sorry, but that’s not a characteristic that works for me in a partner so we’ll have to end our relationship?

Or would you have understood?

Are you aware that gay and bisexual are not the same thing?