Coming out as Bi to DH

[Scorchioo]

Just over a year ago I came out as bi to DH. A family member who had divorced her husband was now in a relationship with a woman. We were on the subject and I told DH I believed myself to be bisexual. When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past.

It did not go down well. DH was almost sickened by what I told him and immediately started to text his mother as he “needed someone to talk to” I told him I wasn’t comfortable with his mother knowing and that if he needed to talk to someone I would be happy for him to confide in a friend instead. He said I can’t “control who he talks to” His mother is the type to use this information as a weapon against me.

DH then used graphic sexual language grilling me about all the stuff I would do to women. Would I ….. a woman etc. He kept saying he felt sick and if I was really bisexual he couldn’t remain married to me. He felt betrayed and acted like I had cheated on him.

I ended up backtracking and told him I was just confused and that my sexuality is fluid instead.

He then a few weeks after became hugely suffocating, physically touching me all the time and almost “love bombing” me.

We have not mentioned it since.

Has anyone got any experience with this sort of situation?

No, not the same person you knew. It is a different version of the person you knew because they have hidden their true self and entered a relationship under false pretences. I would divorce my DH if he told me he was bi, not only because of the lie but because it would put me off him in terms of attraction, entirely.

To know their partner better? To understand them better? I don't see any practical application but my god, if you're going to live for fifty years with the same person, isn't it better to know them?

Don't we all just want to be seen for who we are? It feels good!

Yes sexuality isn't a choice.

And some people are only sexually attracted to straight people.

That's not a choice either. That's how they are.

Why do people think it's ok to berate people for not being sexually attracted to bisexual people???? Why is that ok?

People who are only attracted to straight people are constantly told their sexuality is wrong.

Again. How can anyone be reading this as anything other than horribly biphobic?

Which part is biphobic exactly?

It’s not dishonest for one’s sexual identity to evolve. OP obviously didn’t feel comfortable identifying as bi when they got together, now she does.

For those asking what would happen if the shoe was on the other foot and your male partner came out as bi: mine did! And I said “oh, cool” and we got on with our lives because it changes absolutely nothing about him as a person. If he was straight he’d find other people who aren’t me attractive, so the fact those people are men as well as women is neither here nor there. We choose to be together which is what matters. It wouldn’t even cross my mind that he was dishonest or cheating/planning to cheat.

100% agree. Spot on.

The OP’s husband’s reaction is so dramatic & doesn’t come from a place of love, just paranoia and perhaps even disgust.

I just wonder about women who were pushed/feel compelled/ into a straight marriage and just never explored their feelings. How do they move into a same sex space if they're not welcome at lesbian events because of their history?

Maybe they leave their marriage/ relationship and go on a dating app and look for other bi women to explore their sexuality with. Or approach lesbians on line being really honest and clear about their situation. Perhaps they are unfaithful to their male partners. That's down to their own sense of morality and the parameters of their existing relationship. What they shouldn't do is inveigle their way into the lesbian community in the hope that they'll be able to test drive a lesbian and see whether they're really same-sex attracted or not. IME most lesbians hope to find someone they can have an established, trusting relationship with. Some up are up for sex and nothing more, but many want emotional involvement and getting involved with a straight woman is a notoriously painful and difficult situation.

What a lot of straight women, or bi women in straight relationships, don't understand is that lesbians are still, despite everything, a vulnerable and stigmatised group. It may not be as bad as it used to be, but the default human sexuality setting is straight and we are minority. Despite so many people thinking they're cool, despite so many people being sure they're not homophobic, there are still a hundred tiny ways that people reveal that they're not really comfortable with our sexuality. That's why we like sometimes to socialise in totally lesbian groups — so that we can be ourselves away from the straight or bisexual gaze.

And some people are only sexually attracted to straight people

they aren’t though!! You can’t tell who is and isn’t bi. So they are attracted to the bi person until they find out they are bi, then they are so horrified by the idea of their bisexuality that they are immediately repulsed and have to dump them - even end a marriage to a loving, committed life partner. That’s how you can tell that it’s homophobic/ biphobic.

I don't care if a person is gay, bi whatever. How strangers choose to live their lives is of no concern to me as long as it doesn't affect me.

If my husband wanted to sleep with other men, that directly affects me. It really isn't that difficult to understand.

But she brought it up in the context of someone leaving their male partner and starting a relationship with a woman!

How was he supposed to react to that?

He is allowed to be disgusted.

“Identifying as bi”

ffs this “identifying as” shit needs to stop. She’s either bi or she’s not. She doesn’t identify as bi, she is bi. If she didn’t want to admit it fine. It’s dishonest. Or she’s not actually bi and wants drama. I don’t know. She’s not “identifying as” anything.

👏

Well said.

This culture of having to accept everything, even in our sexual relationships, or risk being told we are in some way phobic is very dangerous.

Pressuring people into rethinking what they find attractive and why is coercive and creepy.

I get it, OP. I was in the same boat as you and I told my husband. He wasn’t horrified; in fact, he’s given me the go ahead to explore with women. He doesn’t feel threatened. I know this will come as a huge surprise to many mumsnetters.

How would you react if he told you that he was attracted to men?

Your husband wouldn’t actively want to sleep with other men though and neither does OP. Do you want to sleep with every man you find attractive? How does it affect you if he still wants to continue in a monogamous marriage and loves you? It doesn’t affect you any more than his propensity to find other women attractive

And some people are only sexually attracted to straight people.

Well that’s absolute bs. You can be sexually attracted to someone who’s gay or bi, that’s a natural pull even if it’s not acted on. What the actual discussion is here is about how finding out your longterm partner is bi and how many here would find that so off putting that all the years of being sexually attracted to them, being in a fully committed and loving relationship with them - would potentially be completely over despite until being given that information would still be sexually attracted to them.

So what precisely is it about being bisexual that is so off putting to the point of repulsion?

But if he’s straight does that mean he wants to sleep with other women? Is that less bad than wanting to sleep with other men?

Not in my book. I’d be divorcing him and you ASAP.

So many people have asked this, like it’s some kind of gotcha…it really isn’t. For people who aren’t homophobic I can’t imagine it would be an issue

Because I would be disgusted at the idea of him finding men attractive, it is that simple.

I mean…that is just blatant homophobia

This. You’re married to him, so it’s irrelevant if you fancy anyone else, male or female.

Yes it is.