Page 18 | Coming out as Bi to DH

Scorchioo · 2024-05-30T10:26:37+00:00

Just over a year ago I came out as bi to DH. A family member who had divorced her husband was now in a relationship with a woman. We were on the subject and I told DH I believed myself to be bisexual. When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past. It did not go down well. DH was almost sickened by what I told him and immediately started to text his mother as he “needed someone to talk to” I told him I wasn’t comfortable with his mother knowing and that if he needed to talk to someone I would be happy for him to confide in a friend instead. He said I can’t “control who he talks to” His mother is the type to use this information as a weapon against me. DH then used graphic sexual language grilling me about all the stuff I would do to women. Would I ….. a woman etc. He kept saying he felt sick and if I was really bisexual he couldn’t remain married to me. He felt betrayed and acted like I had cheated on him. I ended up backtracking and told him I was just confused and that my sexuality is fluid instead. He then a few weeks after became hugely suffocating, physically touching me all the time and almost “love bombing” me. We have not mentioned it since. Has anyone got any experience with this sort of situation?

anothernamitynamenamechange · 30/05/2024 18:43

AnonKat · 30/05/2024 11:32

Im looking forward to comparing this to the threads about men coming out as BI to their wives. Let's see how different the responses are!

You didn't need to tell him? Unless you are looking to explore relationships with women surely?

My husband told me he is bi and I keep asking him for really specific detail about what he would do to another man/let another man do to him. He keeps saying he doesn't want to talk about it but I need really graphic detail for my own peace of mind. AIBU for demanding this information? Also I keep telling him he is disgusting. dripfeed I told my dad and he agrees my husband is disgusting.

I think I know how a thread like that would go. If a man or woman came out as bi to their partner and their partner couldn't accept it/got the ick/wanted to end the relationship that would be sad but fine. Everyone is allowed their own red lines in a relationship no matter how unique. The grilling combined with saying its disgusting is not good though. And it wouldn't be if a woman did it either.

1offnamechange · 30/05/2024 18:44

DreamingOfItAll · 30/05/2024 17:48

I would like OP to answer how she sees being married to a man, with her bisexuality being a big part of her identity, working? If something is a big part of your identity, it tends to mean you’re actively involved in that part of yourself so how will being bisexual play any part of being married to a man when she’s saying she intends to be monogamous?

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this doesn't make any sense at all.

What would you consider things that are "a big part of your identity?"
I think most people would say things like their race, their nationality, their sexuality, their religion, their job, their beliefs (i.e. political views) and their family.

But lots of those don't require constant "active involvement". I'm very aware that my life experience if I was black, or born in Palestine, or was Muslim, would be very different, therefore it is unarguable that they form a significant part of my identity, as my background, experience and cultural environment and influences would all be extremely different - but that doesn't mean I go around "actively involving" myself in "white culture" or singing God Save the King, or whatever. Most retired people still consider their previous career as a key part of their identity - but they wouldn't have any "active involvement" in it anymore - does that negate the years of training, education and experience they accrued?

Sexuality doesn't have to be directly linked to whether you are actively having (or want to have) sex at that actually specific time. I'm assuming you don't consider anyone not currently sexually active, whether because they are single or just don't fancy it, asexual? You still accept that they are gay or straight, even if they aren't actually having gay or straight sex this very minute?

If your mate Amy divorced her husband Steve would you say 'Sorry Aims, I don't think you should call yourself straight until you get another boyfriend. As you're not currently in a heterosexual relationship I don't think it's relevant that you consider yourself to be heterosexual, and there is no reason for you to discuss that part of your identify with anyone for any reason. You're not with a man now, so it's inappropriate for you to discuss crushes you might have on male celebrities, or express an interest in seeing a romantic film with opposite sex leads, or talk about relationships you've had in the past...'

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 30/05/2024 18:48

YankSplaining · 30/05/2024 18:43

All these people with “why does he need to know if you’re not going to act on it” - this is an imperfect analogy, but think of it this way.

Your husband is a Christian. You were raised as a secular Jew. You’ve never been to a synagogue or read the Torah or celebrated Hanukkah, and you don’t plan to, but when people talk about Jews? Those are your people they’re talking about. Whether you do anything “actively Jewish” or not, that’s a part of your identity you can’t divorce yourself from.

Before you got married, there were some pretty obvious signs that you had Jewish ancestry. Your maiden name is Finkelstein. You’ve joked that your dad has a “jewfro.” Your grandmother makes beef brisket and matzo ball soup, and told your husband that you look just like her Auntie Miriam. Your mother mentioned that her grandfather was a rabbi. When you married your husband, you did so in a Christian church (it was important to him and his family) and took his last name, which is an Anglo-Saxon one. When he wants to go to church for Christmas and Easter, you go with.

Then one day, in conversation with your husband, you refer to yourself as a Jew, and he acts shocked. “You’re a Jew?! But - you’re not observant. Are you going to be observant? Are you going to join a temple? You married me at St. John’s! I am so shocked. I can’t believe you’re saying you’re a Jew.”

”Why would you say that?” your friends ask. “You married a Christian, and it’s not like you’re going to actually do anything Jewish.”

Well, because it’s true. And even if you never “do anything Jewish,” Jews aren’t a “them” to you, they’re an “us.” And wanting your husband to know that is far from unreasonable.

I actually think that's a perfect analogy!

LostTheMarble · 30/05/2024 18:48

BruFord · 30/05/2024 18:39

@Startingagainandagain I don’t think people are being biphobic, they’re explaining that everyone has preferences in terms of their partner and if someone would prefer their partner to be hetero, that’s fine. I prefer chunky men to skinny men, always have. I can’t help it!

It’s not the same comparison at all. Being skinny or fatter are (usually) active lifestyle choices. Your sexuality isn’t a choice. Saying it out loud doesn’t mean it wasn’t there beforehand, and the fact people don’t feel comfortable to openly say they’re bi before the relationship gets serious/to the point of marriage is quite obvious considering the viewpoint of many on here. Where same sex attraction/connections are still looked at as some disease - ok for other people to live with but not to come near your clean self with.

Tandora · 30/05/2024 18:49

Otherstories2002 · 30/05/2024 18:40

I do take them seriously. That’s the point. The bisexual partner who married me without being honest about that clearly does not.

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Woa. What if they had no idea that being bisexual was so horrific to you that it would be a deal breaker even though you otherwise loved them enough to marry them! It would never occur to me that being bisexual would in itself be a breach of marriage vows.

this comment is so obviously biphobic. It’s mad to me that people are trying to say otherwise .

anothernamitynamenamechange · 30/05/2024 18:50

I can see why he would feel insecure. Especially within the context: Family member divorces her husband and gets in a relationship with another woman because she has been Bi all along. Mans Wife: "I am also Bi and have been all along". You would worry the same thing might be about to happen in your relationship. Asking for graphic detail is really unpleasant. It would also be unpleasant if he was demanding graphic detail from you about sex with other men before he met you. Or asking what you would have let other men do to you if you hadn't met him and stropping if you wouldn't tell him. Uncomfortable.

tiddletiddleboomboom · 30/05/2024 18:51

Then one day, in conversation with your husband, you refer to yourself as a Jew, and he acts shocked. “You’re a Jew?! But - you’re not observant. Are you going to be observant? Are you going to join a temple? You married me at St. John’s! I am so shocked. I can’t believe you’re saying you’re a Jew.”

Except that OP said:

Why would I do that? It’s part of my identity and something I had recently discovered

How on earth can her husband know something about her that she herself only 'recently discovered"?

Otherstories2002 · 30/05/2024 18:51

Tandora · 30/05/2024 18:49

Woa. What if they had no idea that being bisexual was so horrific to you that it would be a deal breaker even though you otherwise loved them enough to marry them! It would never occur to me that being bisexual would in itself be a breach of marriage vows.

this comment is so obviously biphobic. It’s mad to me that people are trying to say otherwise .

Edited

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So back to my last question, are gay people “straightphobic”?

Abeona · 30/05/2024 18:53

Startingagainandagain · 30/05/2024 18:34

''@Abeona

I'm sick of all the straight people in straight relationships who've suddenly decided to 'identify' as bi. It's become fashionable. Spicy straights.

I'm a lesbian. I went to a lesbian-only event a couple of weeks ago and it became clear that of the 25 there a number of the 'lesbians' were essentially straight women who identified as bisexual but had never had a relationship with a woman. One of them as good as admitted that she'd seen some lesbian porn and thought she'd check out the reality. She was clearly disappointed that none of the lesbians present were the kind she'd seen in porn movies. I've also been approached when organising a lesbian event by women who've been in a monogamous straight marriage like the OP for 20 or more years yet identify as bisexual.''

I find the casual biphobia in the gay community really sad...

I had a boss who was married for 30 years to a man, became a widow and then met another person she fell in love. That person happened to be a woman and they started a long term relationship with.

I have also seen this happen with men who have had straight marriages behind them and then met a man who they ended up having a loving relationship with.

The point is you fall in love with an individual, not just with their genitals....

When I was 30 I became attracted to another woman and really fell for her. Until then I had never experienced any same sex attraction. So I know I can be attracted to both men and women. It is not that uncommon. It is the person that matters to me.

I would think that in 2024 people would have learned that sexuality can indeed be fluid and that love is a complex feeling and that putting people into neat boxes is just not helpful to anyone.

So, a lesbian says that she is wary and distrustful of bisexual people for reasons given and is accused of being biphobic. I'm guessing you'd also called me transphobic for saying that as a lesbian I don't do dick? Absolutely typical of the way women who hold their own boundaries are treated and a good example of why lesbians are increasingly unwilling to include bi women.

The fight to repel male interlopers from the lesbian community has sharpened a lot of lesbians' views. You appear to actually be bisexual, having had committed relationships with both sexes. There are many, many more women trying to gain access to lesbian social circles and events who say they are bi but clearly aren't attracted to, or have an interest in, women — and lesbians are becoming increasingly pissed off by it. In the old days when being same-sex attracted was a stigma we didn't get so much of it. People really risked something by being bi. Now it's so much cooler than being straight.

The L, the G and the B really do need to separate out. We are all different groups with very little in common except for same-sex attraction. I say Get the L Out.

pinkteddy · 30/05/2024 18:53

YankSplaining · 30/05/2024 18:43

All these people with “why does he need to know if you’re not going to act on it” - this is an imperfect analogy, but think of it this way.

Your husband is a Christian. You were raised as a secular Jew. You’ve never been to a synagogue or read the Torah or celebrated Hanukkah, and you don’t plan to, but when people talk about Jews? Those are your people they’re talking about. Whether you do anything “actively Jewish” or not, that’s a part of your identity you can’t divorce yourself from.

Before you got married, there were some pretty obvious signs that you had Jewish ancestry. Your maiden name is Finkelstein. You’ve joked that your dad has a “jewfro.” Your grandmother makes beef brisket and matzo ball soup, and told your husband that you look just like her Auntie Miriam. Your mother mentioned that her grandfather was a rabbi. When you married your husband, you did so in a Christian church (it was important to him and his family) and took his last name, which is an Anglo-Saxon one. When he wants to go to church for Christmas and Easter, you go with.

Then one day, in conversation with your husband, you refer to yourself as a Jew, and he acts shocked. “You’re a Jew?! But - you’re not observant. Are you going to be observant? Are you going to join a temple? You married me at St. John’s! I am so shocked. I can’t believe you’re saying you’re a Jew.”

”Why would you say that?” your friends ask. “You married a Christian, and it’s not like you’re going to actually do anything Jewish.”

Well, because it’s true. And even if you never “do anything Jewish,” Jews aren’t a “them” to you, they’re an “us.” And wanting your husband to know that is far from unreasonable.

Exactly this!

Verv · 30/05/2024 18:54

SpidersAreShitheads · 30/05/2024 18:30

But is it possible that the women in straight relationships just fell into it because of social norms but are genuinely bi? Or even lesbian?

I agree with you re the trend for "spicy" - I see it in the world of neurodivergence and I find it bloody annoying. And trivialising. And it's very evident from the "queer" identifying straight people like Jameela Jamil.

I just wonder about women who were pushed/feel compelled/ into a straight marriage and just never explored their feelings. How do they move into a same sex space if they're not welcome at lesbian events because of their history?

Apologies if this sounds provocative, it's hard to convey tone in writing! I know men in my real life (as opposed to online) who started out in a marriage/long-term heterosexual relationship and eventually came out as gay in their 40s, 50s and have been in a gay relationship/marriage ever since. So could the same not be true for women? Some obviously, not all.

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Comp het and spicy straights are completely different things. Lesbians are fairly adept at spotting the difference.

There are some lesbians who will only date women who have never been touched by the hand of man but tbh I don’t really see a difference between that and men classing women as Madonna vs whore so tend to steer clear.

Tartantunic · 30/05/2024 18:54

If my DH came out as bisexual I would most definitely react in the same way.

Tandora · 30/05/2024 18:55

Otherstories2002 · 30/05/2024 18:51

So back to my last question, are gay people “straightphobic”?

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This is a nonsequitor and also I already answered this.

YankSplaining · 30/05/2024 18:56

tiddletiddleboomboom · 30/05/2024 18:51

Then one day, in conversation with your husband, you refer to yourself as a Jew, and he acts shocked. “You’re a Jew?! But - you’re not observant. Are you going to be observant? Are you going to join a temple? You married me at St. John’s! I am so shocked. I can’t believe you’re saying you’re a Jew.”

Except that OP said:

Why would I do that? It’s part of my identity and something I had recently discovered

How on earth can her husband know something about her that she herself only 'recently discovered"?

“When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past.”

Whether she was labeling it or not, women with some attraction to women are bisexual. Just like So-and-So Finkelstein, great-great-granddaughter of the rabbi, was Jewish, whether she was calling herself Jewish or not.

Otherstories2002 · 30/05/2024 18:58

Tandora · 30/05/2024 18:55

This is a nonsequitor and also I already answered this.

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I haven’t seen your answer - clearly.

And I don’t agree. People can set whatever boundaries they wish when it comes to sexual attraction and honestly within a relationship.

Tandora · 30/05/2024 18:58

Tandora · 30/05/2024 17:17

Well they might well be if they were part of a gay majority, in a world where there was systematic prejudice against a straight minority , and they found themselves attracted to a person until they found out they were straight and then decided they were so revulsed by the trait of being straight that they couldn’t possibly date the person they were otherwise attracted to 💁🏼‍♀️.

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@Otherstories2002
Add * decided they must immediately divorce the person they were married to / loved.

AppleStruddle123 · 30/05/2024 18:59

Do you seek drama OP?

What did you hope to achieve?

imagine the shoe was on the other foot. He told you he finds men attractive.

That he always has and thought he’d just drop that into conversation. Of course it’s going to unsettle things.

Youve made him feel insecure. Like he’s not enough. What did you expect?

It’s not about being homophobic. Why did you think it was a good idea to tell him?

Hes hardly going to be the one to chat to about who you fancy, Scarlett Johansen vs Dua Lipa. It’s a rug pull.

Outliers · 30/05/2024 18:59

Would be interesting to know how you'd react if he came out as bi to you.

kkloo · 30/05/2024 19:00

1offnamechange · 30/05/2024 18:44

this doesn't make any sense at all.

What would you consider things that are "a big part of your identity?"
I think most people would say things like their race, their nationality, their sexuality, their religion, their job, their beliefs (i.e. political views) and their family.

But lots of those don't require constant "active involvement". I'm very aware that my life experience if I was black, or born in Palestine, or was Muslim, would be very different, therefore it is unarguable that they form a significant part of my identity, as my background, experience and cultural environment and influences would all be extremely different - but that doesn't mean I go around "actively involving" myself in "white culture" or singing God Save the King, or whatever. Most retired people still consider their previous career as a key part of their identity - but they wouldn't have any "active involvement" in it anymore - does that negate the years of training, education and experience they accrued?

Sexuality doesn't have to be directly linked to whether you are actively having (or want to have) sex at that actually specific time. I'm assuming you don't consider anyone not currently sexually active, whether because they are single or just don't fancy it, asexual? You still accept that they are gay or straight, even if they aren't actually having gay or straight sex this very minute?

If your mate Amy divorced her husband Steve would you say 'Sorry Aims, I don't think you should call yourself straight until you get another boyfriend. As you're not currently in a heterosexual relationship I don't think it's relevant that you consider yourself to be heterosexual, and there is no reason for you to discuss that part of your identify with anyone for any reason. You're not with a man now, so it's inappropriate for you to discuss crushes you might have on male celebrities, or express an interest in seeing a romantic film with opposite sex leads, or talk about relationships you've had in the past...'

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It does make sense and it's a perfectly valid question.

Some people will say that their bisexuality is a large part of their identity which often means they need to honour it or celebrate it in some way, or that they have times that they might struggle in an opposite sex relationship etc.

For others they say it's a tiny part of their personality and it doesn't need any recognition or acknowledgement, and there's no struggles etc associated with it.

So it's very valid and makes perfect sense to ask if this is a big part of your personality what does that mean for you specifically?

Startingagainandagain · 30/05/2024 19:02

'@Tandora
Woa. What if they had no idea that being bisexual was so horrific to you that it would be a deal breaker even though you otherwise loved them enough to marry them! It would never occur to me that being bisexual would in itself be a breach of marriage vows.

this comment is so obviously biphobic. It’s mad to me that people are trying to say otherwise .'

Exactly!

It is obvious in many of the comments that someone share they are bi they automatically are seen as:

someone who is likely to cheat
less 'manly' if they are male
physically/sexually repulsive...

Yet yesterday that person was a committed, loving partner that they chose to marry/live with. Now they are a leper you should divorce as fast as possible.

Still the same person though...

No wonder so many bi people never share that side of them for fear of being rejected and judge by prejudiced straight and gay people.

Tandora · 30/05/2024 19:02

Otherstories2002 · 30/05/2024 18:58

I haven’t seen your answer - clearly.

And I don’t agree. People can set whatever boundaries they wish when it comes to sexual attraction and honestly within a relationship.

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Yes they absolutely can set those boundaries. And they sometimes (/often?) set those boundaries based on their discriminatory ideas/ phobias. And it’s ok (/important) to recognise those prejudices for what they are, call them out, and openly discuss them.

VerlynWebbe · 30/05/2024 19:02

Abeona · 30/05/2024 18:53

So, a lesbian says that she is wary and distrustful of bisexual people for reasons given and is accused of being biphobic. I'm guessing you'd also called me transphobic for saying that as a lesbian I don't do dick? Absolutely typical of the way women who hold their own boundaries are treated and a good example of why lesbians are increasingly unwilling to include bi women.

The fight to repel male interlopers from the lesbian community has sharpened a lot of lesbians' views. You appear to actually be bisexual, having had committed relationships with both sexes. There are many, many more women trying to gain access to lesbian social circles and events who say they are bi but clearly aren't attracted to, or have an interest in, women — and lesbians are becoming increasingly pissed off by it. In the old days when being same-sex attracted was a stigma we didn't get so much of it. People really risked something by being bi. Now it's so much cooler than being straight.

The L, the G and the B really do need to separate out. We are all different groups with very little in common except for same-sex attraction. I say Get the L Out.

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Wary of bisexual people or wary of a few idiots whose behaviour is very definitely not respectful?

It's just not necessary to go off at bisexual women because a few of them are idiots, let alone use derogatory terms to describe them.

DreamingOfItAll · 30/05/2024 19:03

LostTheMarble · 30/05/2024 18:48

It’s not the same comparison at all. Being skinny or fatter are (usually) active lifestyle choices. Your sexuality isn’t a choice. Saying it out loud doesn’t mean it wasn’t there beforehand, and the fact people don’t feel comfortable to openly say they’re bi before the relationship gets serious/to the point of marriage is quite obvious considering the viewpoint of many on here. Where same sex attraction/connections are still looked at as some disease - ok for other people to live with but not to come near your clean self with.

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Just because being bisexual is not a choice doesn’t mean people can’t choose to not want to date them, without it being bi phobic.

Dating/attraction is the one area of our lives where we can swipe left on individuals or whole groups of people, and that can be due to attraction and having things in common, not being phobic.

For me, when I was dating I didn’t consider men who were, bisexual, religious, much older, much younger, fat, certain races, pro hunting, had disabilities that would impact activities/hobbies I like doing with them, were bald etc. Nothing to do with being phobic, just my personal preferences in a partner due to attraction and the life I wanted with them.

Otherstories2002 · 30/05/2024 19:03

Tandora · 30/05/2024 18:58

@Otherstories2002
Add * decided they must immediately divorce the person they were married to / loved.

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You’re assuming that I’m divorcing him for being bisexual rather than the dishonesty. But regardless it doesn’t matter. No one has to ever be in a relationship with anyone for any reason.

Nanny0gg · 30/05/2024 19:05

VerlynWebbe · 30/05/2024 11:57

I don't think a lot of people really get what's meant by it being part of your identity. It's an inner thing, nothing has to change on the outside. A lot of bisexual women get to a point in their adult lives where they just think, oh shit, I didn't actually realise that was what I wanted/would have liked to explore/that it was possible for me. So they're in the position where they're now married, maybe have kids, and only now feel comfortable enough to talk about it. And who do they talk to? The person they trust most in the world.

It doesn't mean anything other than, I was re-evaluating this bit of myself, these thoughts that were half-formed in the past and the vocabulary is there now for me to talk about it (for example nobody ever used the word heteroromantic in my youth, would have been useful). It doesn't mean a woman is planning on experimenting or leaving their partner.

Same goes for men I suppose but I only really know about women because a few friends have been/are going through this.

Someone said that Mumsnet is biphobic but I would say it's more deeply small-c conservative and people tend not to be very imaginative, they like things very simple and delineated, but human sexuality really isn't like that.

But what is the partner supposed to DO with that information?