Coming out as Bi to DH

[Scorchioo]

Just over a year ago I came out as bi to DH. A family member who had divorced her husband was now in a relationship with a woman. We were on the subject and I told DH I believed myself to be bisexual. When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past.

It did not go down well. DH was almost sickened by what I told him and immediately started to text his mother as he “needed someone to talk to” I told him I wasn’t comfortable with his mother knowing and that if he needed to talk to someone I would be happy for him to confide in a friend instead. He said I can’t “control who he talks to” His mother is the type to use this information as a weapon against me.

DH then used graphic sexual language grilling me about all the stuff I would do to women. Would I ….. a woman etc. He kept saying he felt sick and if I was really bisexual he couldn’t remain married to me. He felt betrayed and acted like I had cheated on him.

I ended up backtracking and told him I was just confused and that my sexuality is fluid instead.

He then a few weeks after became hugely suffocating, physically touching me all the time and almost “love bombing” me.

We have not mentioned it since.

Has anyone got any experience with this sort of situation?

Then those people shouldn't get married! Marriage is what it is- you can't buy into it and then complain that you don't like the terms. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

And yes, I agree- if you're not married but have promised to have a lifelong relationship, it is just as shitty to leave someone just for being bisexual. You can take that up with the poster I was replying to.

Are you seriously suggesting that people should never end a marriage?

Kissing a woman when you were young and then getting married to a man doesn't mean you're bisexual.

I'm sick of all the straight people in straight relationships who've suddenly decided to 'identify' as bi. It's become fashionable. Spicy straights.

I'm a lesbian. I went to a lesbian-only event a couple of weeks ago and it became clear that of the 25 there a number of the 'lesbians' were essentially straight women who identified as bisexual but had never had a relationship with a woman. One of them as good as admitted that she'd seen some lesbian porn and thought she'd check out the reality. She was clearly disappointed that none of the lesbians present were the kind she'd seen in porn movies. I've also been approached when organising a lesbian event by women who've been in a monogamous straight marriage like the OP for 20 or more years yet identify as bisexual.

I disagree with most of the PP on this thread OP.

I can see why you would want to tell him. It sounds as if you've only recently come to terms with your full identity and because of that, it feels like a big thing to you. And of course you'd want to share that kind of information with a spouse or long-term partner. It would feel almost deceitful to keep that quiet, once you've had the realisation.

I assume that you mean that your DH knows you've had bi experiences in the past, and that's why you didn't think it would be a huge shock.

Completely unrelated, but I'm an adult-diagnosed autistic (and ADHD). I wasn't diagnosed when I got together with DP. Getting a diagnosis hasn't changed me, it hasn't changed my behaviour, and it hasn't changed who I hang out with. And yet, it still feels like a huge part of my identity - the relief in being able to acknowledge "this is me" is enormous. Even though nothing has changed in practical terms.

So I imagine it's a lot like this for OP. She's repressed her identity for many years and as she's gotten older, she's come to terms with it. So of course that feels important to her now. And I actually think kudos for wanting to be open about it - although perhaps a bit more sensitivity was needed.

OP, as PP have said, I think it's completely understandable that your DH feels vulnerable and threatened. I don't think it's unreasonable to want lots of reassurance that you're not craving a relationship with a woman, because that could be the implication from a sudden confession.

The problem is if he's homophobic. I don't know how you square that if you're bisexual. There are some disturbing comments on this thread - PP saying that they would leave the spouse that they love if he admitted he was also attracted to men. It doesn't change anything - but this is the ingrained homophobia that's still so prevalent. And it IS homophobia - if the person you love and are happy with is also attracted to the same sex, and they don't want to experiment, don't want to be unfaithful, and don't want to change their lifestyle in any way - if you still think it's reason to leave them, then yes, that's homophobia.

It's a shame you felt you had to backtrack OP - how does that leave you feeling now? And given that it sounds as if your DH is probably homophobic (comment re feeling sick etc) and wanted to discuss your sexuality with his mum - how do you see the future?

I don’t understand those asking why you told your husband…. He’s your husband & this is part of your identity!

His reaction is the problem. Arming his mother and who texts their mother this type of stuff? Doesn’t he have friends?

FFS it is not homophobic to prefer your sexual partners to be exclusively hetero.

Oh, I think maybe I've not communicated the tone of these conversations correctly - it's in the same tone as you might say 'Sarah, you know who I used to work with?' It's not in any kind of conspiratorial or gossipy way, it's just extra context to who you are talking about - sorry if I wasn't clear enough!
Or you do understand and you think mentioning exes at all in conversation is inflammatory - okay, that's not the case where I live or with the people I know, it's quite normal to mention exes in conversation just as a point of interest, or exes were friends/are friends etc so part of the wider circle - but if that's not the case for you in your life then that's totally fine! These things differ so much according to area and circles etc and our experiences are clearly very different, that's fine! But it's certain not some kind of gossipy reality show atmosphere - it's just different to your personal experience. Apologies for any confusion.

@PerfectForEloping let’s put it another way. Even if you don’t agree with me that saying you would never date a bisexual is homophobic - would you at least acknowledge that in some circumstances people’s prejudices/ phobias/ discriminatory ideas might dictate who they might state they are and aren’t willing to date? If so, would you argue that no one should ever be allowed to talk about that because doing so would automatically imply a desire to erode their sexual boundaries? We should just keep silent and never speak of it?
Why can’t we both 1) maintain an absolute principle that people are always free to date whomever they want for whatever reason they want, and at the same time 2) be able to call out harmful / systemic prejudices whereever they exist, including in dating contexts?

Maybe he doesn't feel she's the person he married anymore. Maybe you tell people these things before you marry in case it's not what they wanted in a partner and might feel deceived?

You've gone from telling me that you'd end your relationship immediately if you weren't happy, or if your husband had the potential to be attracted to men as well as women, to telling me that your relationship is VERY VERY serious and that I couldn't possibly understand because I only stay with my wife because of our marriage vows (the ones I made because I love her). I'm finding this a bit contradictory, to be honest.

Also being honest though, I'm really not interested in your opinion, and I'm sure you're not interested in mine, so shall we just leave it?

Or honest before they marry you..

But is it possible that the women in straight relationships just fell into it because of social norms but are genuinely bi? Or even lesbian?

I agree with you re the trend for "spicy" - I see it in the world of neurodivergence and I find it bloody annoying. And trivialising. And it's very evident from the "queer" identifying straight people like Jameela Jamil.

I just wonder about women who were pushed/feel compelled/ into a straight marriage and just never explored their feelings. How do they move into a same sex space if they're not welcome at lesbian events because of their history?

Apologies if this sounds provocative, it's hard to convey tone in writing! I know men in my real life (as opposed to online) who started out in a marriage/long-term heterosexual relationship and eventually came out as gay in their 40s, 50s and have been in a gay relationship/marriage ever since. So could the same not be true for women? Some obviously, not all.

How would you feel if he randomly came out as bisexual?

I would wonder why my partner had suddenly decided to tell me now and why it hadn’t come up in all of the time we’d been together.

There must have been an ulterior motive.

How he’s acting is vile but I don’t blame him for being upset.

Okay, you are free to do that. As I am free to think that that would be shitty behaviour and proof that you are not taking your marriage vows seriously enough. Luckily for you, my opinion need have zero impact on you.

Could you do me a favour and copy and paste where I said that? Only I don't remember typing it, and it's not something I believe, so that would really help me out. TIA.

''@Abeona

I'm sick of all the straight people in straight relationships who've suddenly decided to 'identify' as bi. It's become fashionable. Spicy straights.

I'm a lesbian. I went to a lesbian-only event a couple of weeks ago and it became clear that of the 25 there a number of the 'lesbians' were essentially straight women who identified as bisexual but had never had a relationship with a woman. One of them as good as admitted that she'd seen some lesbian porn and thought she'd check out the reality. She was clearly disappointed that none of the lesbians present were the kind she'd seen in porn movies. I've also been approached when organising a lesbian event by women who've been in a monogamous straight marriage like the OP for 20 or more years yet identify as bisexual.''

I find the casual biphobia in the gay community really sad...

I had a boss who was married for 30 years to a man, became a widow and then met another person she fell in love. That person happened to be a woman and they started a long term relationship with.

I have also seen this happen with men who have had straight marriages behind them and then met a man who they ended up having a loving relationship with.

The point is you fall in love with an individual, not just with their genitals....

When I was 30 I became attracted to another woman and really fell for her. Until then I had never experienced any same sex attraction. So I know I can be attracted to both men and women. It is not that uncommon. It is the person that matters to me.

I would think that in 2024 people would have learned that sexuality can indeed be fluid and that love is a complex feeling and that putting people into neat boxes is just not helpful to anyone.

I can’t really understand his problem. You are attracted to both men and women.
Is he getting confused and feeling that maybe you are a lesbian and only want to be with women?! That you aren’t really bi but gay? That you’re not telling him the full truth and his insecurities are getting the better of him.
If you are attracted to both sexes and don’t plan on cheating - can’t really see what his problem is!

Tandora
why is it a turn off?

Why is anything a turn off for someone? In terms of sex and attraction, some things you like, some things you don’t.

///

This. Sometimes it's not that something disgusts you it just doesn't turn you on. The feeling is just neutral. And l that doesn't contribute to sexual attraction.

I agree his reaction is over the top, but why did you need to "come out" at all. Are you hoping to have sex outside of marriage. I just dont see what thenpoint was otherwise. It doesnt matter. Im bi, but my husband is male (also bi) we ware obly planning to have sex with each othet so our sexuality is surely irrelevant! Its just seems weird to me that you would rock the boat like this.

@Startingagainandagain I don’t think people are being biphobic, they’re explaining that everyone has preferences in terms of their partner and if someone would prefer their partner to be hetero, that’s fine. I prefer chunky men to skinny men, always have. I can’t help it!

I do take them seriously. That’s the point. The bisexual partner who married me without being honest about that clearly does not.

Sigh.

I value my relationship. I can do that whilst still having boundaries. If my partner were to do certain things, the relationship would be over. He’s knows my boundaries, I know his, Ed talked about them at length when dating, before children and joining finances, so I don’t see an issue arising after 25 years. If it did, yes I’d end it. It’s very simple.

I’m not interested in being with a man who is sexually attracted to men so if he told me he was, it would be over. I’m not interested in being with a religious man so if he told me he was becoming a Catholic or a Muslim, it would be over.

Valuing my relationship doesn’t mean I have to accept everything my partner does, especially if it crosses my boundaries, which I’ve always communicated to him.

We’re happy, he’s not going to suddenly want to shag blokes or preac the bible so we’re all good here. 😅

All these people with “why does he need to know if you’re not going to act on it” - this is an imperfect analogy, but think of it this way.

Your husband is a Christian. You were raised as a secular Jew. You’ve never been to a synagogue or read the Torah or celebrated Hanukkah, and you don’t plan to, but when people talk about Jews? Those are your people they’re talking about. Whether you do anything “actively Jewish” or not, that’s a part of your identity you can’t divorce yourself from.

Before you got married, there were some pretty obvious signs that you had Jewish ancestry. Your maiden name is Finkelstein. You’ve joked that your dad has a “jewfro.” Your grandmother makes beef brisket and matzo ball soup, and told your husband that you look just like her Auntie Miriam. Your mother mentioned that her grandfather was a rabbi. When you married your husband, you did so in a Christian church (it was important to him and his family) and took his last name, which is an Anglo-Saxon one. When he wants to go to church for Christmas and Easter, you go with.

Then one day, in conversation with your husband, you refer to yourself as a Jew, and he acts shocked. “You’re a Jew?! But - you’re not observant. Are you going to be observant? Are you going to join a temple? You married me at St. John’s! I am so shocked. I can’t believe you’re saying you’re a Jew.”

”Why would you say that?” your friends ask. “You married a Christian, and it’s not like you’re going to actually do anything Jewish.”

Well, because it’s true. And even if you never “do anything Jewish,” Jews aren’t a “them” to you, they’re an “us.” And wanting your husband to know that is far from unreasonable.

Totally different.
You were honest from the start. The dynamic there is that you have chosen him to be with after having been with women. He's won out.
Thats not the same as being with someone and then admitting you also actually fancy the opposite sex. It's saying maybe they aren't enough.

Also the " that's hot" comment refers to the sex part of your previous relationships I bet. Not sure two women or two men getting the kids to school or doing housework is particularly sexy. Or maybe you weren't that sort if bisexual person.