Coming out as Bi to DH

[Scorchioo]

Just over a year ago I came out as bi to DH. A family member who had divorced her husband was now in a relationship with a woman. We were on the subject and I told DH I believed myself to be bisexual. When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past.

It did not go down well. DH was almost sickened by what I told him and immediately started to text his mother as he “needed someone to talk to” I told him I wasn’t comfortable with his mother knowing and that if he needed to talk to someone I would be happy for him to confide in a friend instead. He said I can’t “control who he talks to” His mother is the type to use this information as a weapon against me.

DH then used graphic sexual language grilling me about all the stuff I would do to women. Would I ….. a woman etc. He kept saying he felt sick and if I was really bisexual he couldn’t remain married to me. He felt betrayed and acted like I had cheated on him.

I ended up backtracking and told him I was just confused and that my sexuality is fluid instead.

He then a few weeks after became hugely suffocating, physically touching me all the time and almost “love bombing” me.

We have not mentioned it since.

Has anyone got any experience with this sort of situation?

Are you... for real? That's not a controversial conversation full of drama. I'm bisexual, someone could have this conversation with my male partner (the ending would be him going 'oh cool! What did she call her puppy?') Referring to bumping into people's exes in conversation isn't some mad dramatic thing 😂i was talking about someone I'd met a few weeks ago and a friend said 'oh, I think xxx went on a date with them' - that's a normal conversation to have?? It's only dramatic if someone has a bad reaction - otherwise it's just a normal conversation..... I'm genuinely confused what you think is eastenders like about the conversation I've just mentioned.

Sounds like he feels threatened by this revelation, asking you in an aggressive manner what you want to do to women and then fiercely defending his territory with the sexual overtures? I don’t think it’s biphobia he just worries he can’t compete with a woman. It’s ego based and not something more sinister probably.

I agree that it’s difficult to see why you felt the need to come out, unless you’re hoping to open up the marriage.

I would like OP to answer how she sees being married to a man, with her bisexuality being a big part of her identity, working? If something is a big part of your identity, it tends to mean you’re actively involved in that part of yourself so how will being bisexual play any part of being married to a man when she’s saying she intends to be monogamous?

I definitely take my marriage seriously and so does my DH, but in all honesty, if out of the blue he told me that he was bi, I’d wonder whether I knew him as a person at all, because I’ve never thought that he was attracted to men.

it sounds as if the OP assumed that her DH had an inkling, but he clearly didn’t.

He’s definitely reacting badly to the news, it’s not great behavior at all, but he clearly feels that he doesn’t know who his wife is as a person.

Clearly you have a very drama/gossipy set of friends and you seem to think it's normal. Most people don't discuss someone's exes with their current partner.

It's one thing to gossip about who dates who, and people may gossip about others with parties who are not involved, but I cant imagine coming up to someone randomly and say, oh, hey, guess who did my hair today, your girlfriend's lesbian ex, woohoo!
Unless, again, you live in the world of Real or Desperate Housewives. If you randomly come up to people and drop who their partners shagged in the past and it's something that happens to you frequently, what can I say, with friend like you who needs enemies 😂

I have not read all the comments - in the scenario, I would have been confused by your disclosure as I would think you were about to share you cheated or plan to.

Tell me you know nothing about lesbian culture without telling me you know nothing about lesbian culture....

I note you say partner- as you are not married, you should be free to end your relationship for whatever reasons you wish.

The difference between a marriage and another long-term relationship is the promise- whether implicit or, as in standard marriage vows, explicit- that this relationship is forever. So threatening divorce to someone who hasn't broken their marriage vows in any way, without making any attempt to work on the relationship, is breaking that promise, which I think is pretty shitty behaviour.

Honestly, why did you feel the need to tell him this? Were you expecting a positive response from him?

Is he religious or just insecure?

It’s not shitty, is it? Because I wouldn’t have married my DH if he was bisexual. So if I found out at a later date he was, I would not want to be married to him.

your marriage vows are about taking someone honestly as you find them. People should be clear about sexuality and sexual preferences and proclivities. If they aren’t it’s reasonable that it redraws the lines in the relationship and people might be turned off. If I found out DH was into pegging I would also leave. These are not things I am attracted to and I wouldn’t want to be with someone who was 🤷🏻‍♀️ it’s not that I don’t value my marriage - it’s that my spouse should have been transparent from the offset.

OP won’t come back as she has told two very different pieces of info so I suspect this thread is BS. He either knew or he didn’t, and she’s not clear on this.

You don't have to be married to have a promise it's a lifetime relationship. And in fact a lot of people don't get married for that reason anyway, but because of societal or family expectations.

Wonder if this thread went the way OP was hoping? 😱

Comments like this are so bloody weird. I’m not trying to “erode your sexual boundaries”. You are free to be as discriminatory as you want in who you date. It doesn’t make it any less discriminatory. My granddad was a very racist man who said he’d never marry a woman who wasn’t white. I absolutely respect his right to marry who he pleases and would never suggest he should be forced to do otherwise. I also correctly recognised him to be very racist in his preferences for a wife . 💁🏼‍♀️

Yeah, of course you can end a marriage for any reason - but some reasons make you a dick.

For example:

Wife has put on weight since the birth of DC
Just found out that wife had an abortion in her early 20s, 10 years before I started dating her
I'm 45 and after 20 years with my wife I've decided that I want to fuck my 21 year old secretary, and actually never loved my wife to begin with
Husband is adopted and I hate adopted people

How is this an argument? Of course he CAN leave the OP for being bisexual. But the question really is, why would he? If it's because he hates bisexual people then he's a dickhead. If he's worried she'll want to leave him for a woman, then he needs loving reassurance. But whatever the reason, quizzing the OP in that way and forcing her to retract isn't on.

I've been in a monogamous relationship with DH for almost 30 years. Being bisexual is just a part of who I am, and sometimes it isn't something I think about at all, and sometimes it feels really important. When I was moving in circles where bisexuality was seen as completely normal, then I didn't really think of myself as bisexual - I just thought of myself as a normal person. But when I ended up in an environment where homophobia and biphobia were openly expressed, then it became a big part of my identity, because I was reminded frequent that it wasn't normal to these people.

I'm very happy with DH and don't want sex or a relationship with anyone else, but bisexuality being part of my identity isn't just about sex. I find it relaxing to spend time with people who I know aren't going to be biphobic or heterosexist. If I read a romance novel or watch a rom-com, I'm as likely to choose a love story between two women as between a woman and a man. If I look at a vaguely thirst-trap tiktok, it might be a man or a woman who catches my eye for a second before I scroll on. If someone is homophobic or biphobic around me, I will take it personally.

I live in a country which isn't the country I grew up in. I'm settled here, have no desire to move away, and can easily pass for a native. But my actual nationality is still as huge part of who I am, and influenced the person I am today, and I like spending time with people from a similar cultural background, and prejudice against people of my nationality doesn't feel funny to me, especially when I know people are comfortable expressing their prejudice because they think it doesn't apply to me. And sometimes an experience that people around me think is universal just doesn't apply to me, or conversely things I assume are normal turn out to be unusual here. And my bisexuality feels very similar to that.

Someone not wanting to date someone bisexual does not mean they hate bisexual people, how silly.

Some staggeringly homophobic and bi-phobic comments on this thread pushing the idea that being attracted to men and women is a dirty, shameful secret that the OP should have kept quiet.

Bisexual people are not more likely to cheat either.

OP, I find your partner's reaction bizarre.

He just sounds like an insecure and immature person. I would find his behaviour really off putting.

This is just a part of who you are as a person, like the colour of your hair or your favourite hobby...

I could not be with someone who finds a part of me a threat/a problem.

Personally, I think you're attributing way too much significance to what a person's sexual orientation says about them as a person. Bisexuality doesn't make a person any less kind, or loving, or funny, or interesting- that's what tells you what someone is like as a person.

Many, many cultures don’t want to date outside their race. Are they all racist?!

Very well said!

Agree that would be silly. Luckily I never said that. Did you miss the "if" in my post? I said the OP needs to find out whether in her particular case, the husband doesn't want to be with her because hates bisexual people.

Married.

if my husband announced he was bisexual the marriage would be over.

Lol. Your relationship isn’t any different because you are married. You can still end your relationship at any point for any reason. That’s separation and divorce.

Whether people take their relationship seriously or not has more to do with the peoples personalities than the marriage itself. Bring truthful from the beginning makes things easier.

It could be said that me not walking away from my relationship in 25 years, means I take it more seriously than someone like you who would stay because ‘marriage’.

As it is, we have 2 children who are biologically ours, joint finances, lots of joint properties etc do it would be no easier to walk away from than your marriage. I stay because we’re happy and in love. If I wasn’t, I’d end it, like people who are married do every day.

DH knew when we first started dating as we talked about past sexual partners. His only reaction was a minute's silence followed by "that's hot."

He knows I am not going to cheat on him, just gently tease him if we see someone on TV (for example) that we are both attracted to. Bi does not equal unfaithful.