Coming out as Bi to DH

[Scorchioo]

Just over a year ago I came out as bi to DH. A family member who had divorced her husband was now in a relationship with a woman. We were on the subject and I told DH I believed myself to be bisexual. When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past.

It did not go down well. DH was almost sickened by what I told him and immediately started to text his mother as he “needed someone to talk to” I told him I wasn’t comfortable with his mother knowing and that if he needed to talk to someone I would be happy for him to confide in a friend instead. He said I can’t “control who he talks to” His mother is the type to use this information as a weapon against me.

DH then used graphic sexual language grilling me about all the stuff I would do to women. Would I ….. a woman etc. He kept saying he felt sick and if I was really bisexual he couldn’t remain married to me. He felt betrayed and acted like I had cheated on him.

I ended up backtracking and told him I was just confused and that my sexuality is fluid instead.

He then a few weeks after became hugely suffocating, physically touching me all the time and almost “love bombing” me.

We have not mentioned it since.

Has anyone got any experience with this sort of situation?

Maybe it's just as plain and simple that he doesn't want to be married to someone that's bi.

Well they might well be if they were part of a gay majority, in a world where there was systematic prejudice against a straight minority , and they found themselves attracted to a person until they found out they were straight and then decided they were so revulsed by the trait of being straight that they couldn’t possibly date the person they were otherwise attracted to 💁🏼‍♀️.

But you can see the confusion as your post before this one said ‘Thanks for all your replies. I generally thought he knew I was bi when we first met. ‘ and now you are saying ‘it’s part of my identity and something I had recently discovered’.

Bi-polar?

It isn't automatically, it depends on the person and the situation really.

I'm straight, I wouldn't consider my sexuality to be a big part of who I am. If I was in a womans prison though then perhaps my sexuality would become a huge part of who I am!

There are plenty of bisexual people who say that their sexuality doesn't define them and it isn't really a big part of who they are either.

It’s just that my sexuality is a big part of my identity

I don’t understand this OP. When you’re bi sexual, marry one person and want to be monogamous, in what way can being bisexual be a big part of anything?

Do you think his reaction was rooted in the worry that you might leave him for a woman? I say that as you reference the story of your family member and maybe he was shocked/angry/worried that might happen to you two. Maybe his ego took a bit of a hit at the idea and he dealt with it poorly. I mean you know him better than all of us whether he is actually kind and compassionate in general.

I do think people are allowed to have reactions to their spouse coming out sexually after x amount of years thinking one thing, then you learn another. It does change the dynamic slightly or it wouldn't be a big deal to come out in the 1st place. He maybe has to work through some insecurities and as entitled as you are to be bisexual, he's also entitled not to want to be with someone whose sexual orientation doesn't match his own.

Lots of communication required OP to rebuild the security from both of yous! It doesn't have to be the end of anything, I also think its OK for him to need time and support to process this new information. Sex and sexuality is a big deal in marriage, you've kind of shook the foundation of that aspect of your marriage with this revelation. Both of you can work to settle it down again!

OP I note that you say
Just over a year ago I came out as bi to DH

And

Has anyone got any experience with this sort of situation?

So have you just bobbed along going about your daily lives or has it caused problems?

Do you both want to stay together?

What are you hoping, a year on from telling him, that the out come will be?

Your husband's behaviour is definitely not acceptable. I'm a lesbian, and if my wife told me she was bisexual, I would be surprised and seek reassurance she didn't want to experiment with men, but I certainly wouldn't threaten to end my marriage over it.

Wtaf do you think autism is? That's honestly one of the most offensive things I've ever read.

You can end a relationship/marriage for any reason or no reason at all.

It's very self serving.

Yes, I was mulling the PP's shitstorm rather than the OP's issue.

I think that if you have a sexuality that strays from "heterosexual" you're usually aware of it on some level early doors. Given that the OP has had experiences with women prior to marriage (if I am following correctly) my query would be why not be open with this man at the outset.
That said, the "this is my identity" is a bit of a red flag because the "I identify as" parade is often attention seeking and bisexuality is a sexual orientation not an identity.

I suspect that rather than "biphobia", the DH is dealing with radical insecurity as is often the case when same sex attraction arrives on the scene. Men dont like the perceived challenge of being "up against" women because they cannot offer the same thing (and vice versa) so it opens up a massive can of worms when it comes to insecurity and competitive (and gross) behaviour.

Given that you are presumably happily married and not casting your eye around for a woman to sleep with, why on earth did you feel the need to tell him? What possible good could it do? It would be akin to saying something like 'I love you DH but I just thought you should know that sometimes I fantasise about sex with my ex-boyfriends.'

Understandably, it would go down like a lead balloon. Some things are best kept in our heads.

All it's achieved is making him feel insecure about your reasons for telling him, and make him question whether you are the same person he thought he'd married.

I am not homophobic in the slightest but I imagine I'd feel quite differently about my DH if he suddenly felt the need to tell me that he'd always been attracted to men and was probably Bi. I imagine most women would have the same reaction.

Your DH will now be wondering he is enough for you or whether your 'other side' is something you are going to feel the need to start exploring, which could ultimately wreck your marriage.

Some of us take our marriage vows a little bit more seriously than that...

Presumably as you are married you are not intending to engage in any same sex activity.
So you are really just telling him about who you might fancy and sexual fantasies you may have.

I can see why you'd want to share these intimate thoughts with your DH, but it is risky revealing something new, which changes how he sees you, and soemthing whihc may create real insecurity for him.

It could be destabilising if a spouse after years revealed any new sexual preference or orientation they had never before disclosed.

I don't think you or your DH ABU. I think it's a very sensitive topic to navigate and as you raised it you probably need to offer him lots of reassurance and have some understanding of his response, and he should offer you the chance to explain and gain a deeper understanding of you.

I wouldn't want him telling his mum either!!

You need to talk to each other. Lots.
Let him ask all the questions, let him express emotion. Reassure him. Explain. Give it time. Don't bury it.
It cuold draw you closer that you shared this if you can navigate it.

We're all talking about the sexuality stuff, but we've lost sight of this:

OP you told your husband something you trusted him with, and he immediately went to his mother with it? That's something I'd be livid about.

I assume you meant to tag the other poster?

Great. That doesn’t mean people have to stay in relationships/marriages when they’re not happy.

I’ve been with my partner for 25 years, so I very much value my relationship, but if he told me he was bisexual or anything else that made me not want to be with him, or if I just wasn’t happy, I’d end it. So would he.

In all honesty I think you should reconsider the relationship. His reaction was beyond rediculous and tbh homophobic. He needed to get a major grip. I wouldn't want to be with someone who was "sickened" by who I was. Nor could I be with someone so blatantly homophobic.

Yes, she is. And she then comes running on here for validation, safe in the knowledge that she as a woman will be supported and her husband demonised. I'm actually glad that for once this site hasn't shown the usual double standard.

Yep.

Again, self serving. It's a "me me me" act as it does nothing but chuck a grenade into the relationship (unless of course OP plans to act on this revelation).

The poor fella must be in bits. Imagine a man telling his wife, "I'm bi", she will be rocked, and many will be thinking, "well that's the marraige over".

His actions since (love bombing) smacks of understandable insecurity.

Very contradictory posts OP. You thought he knew when you met, but you’ve only just figured it out yourself. You thought he already knew, but you thought you could confide in him.

If my DP told me they were bi out of the blue I might have some very complicated feelings about it too - and none of them would be homophobic but about the impact on our relationship.

The husband is upset because he sees this announcement as a rejection of all that has happened in your marriage. By saying you are attracted to women and saying it with little preamble and not preparing him. It has come out of the clear blue sky.
You should have made sure he knew that you had snogged women in the past. That would have been a stepping stone. You could have watched some Girl-on-Girl porn on Bellesa and talked about what you felt as you watched.
He expects the worst, we all expect things to be worse than they are.