Coming out as Bi to DH

[Scorchioo]

Just over a year ago I came out as bi to DH. A family member who had divorced her husband was now in a relationship with a woman. We were on the subject and I told DH I believed myself to be bisexual. When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past.

It did not go down well. DH was almost sickened by what I told him and immediately started to text his mother as he “needed someone to talk to” I told him I wasn’t comfortable with his mother knowing and that if he needed to talk to someone I would be happy for him to confide in a friend instead. He said I can’t “control who he talks to” His mother is the type to use this information as a weapon against me.

DH then used graphic sexual language grilling me about all the stuff I would do to women. Would I ….. a woman etc. He kept saying he felt sick and if I was really bisexual he couldn’t remain married to me. He felt betrayed and acted like I had cheated on him.

I ended up backtracking and told him I was just confused and that my sexuality is fluid instead.

He then a few weeks after became hugely suffocating, physically touching me all the time and almost “love bombing” me.

We have not mentioned it since.

Has anyone got any experience with this sort of situation?

Not the same thing. You are attracted to the sex you’re attracted to. If you are straight and have fallen for someone of the opposite sex, it doesn’t affect your sexuality to be in a relationship with someone who’s had previous sexual experiences with both sexes. What exactly would be the issue being in a relationship with someone who’s attracted to both sexes, what is your fear and/or disgust by that to the point someone you’d previously happily be in a relationship with instantly puts it to rest?

Apologies if I offended anyone with a comment about autism. That was clumsy wording. My point is that I would not be sexually attractive to someone who could not hold an intelligent conversation even if caused by disability. Its harsh, I know, but there it is. I don't owe attraction to anyone.

I say this gently - that might be your experience, but its not everyone's...? It's not some big dramatic thing ??

Sarah bumps into Jack, Jack is talking about their new puppy.
Sarah 'oh I think you've had a puppy from the same litter as Lucy'
Jack 'oh cool, whose Lucy'
Sarah 'you know, Jane's ex from that place they both worked at - I bumped into her last week's

I think if he felt it significant enough to actively announce to me, during a conversation about somebody leaving their spouse for a younger Filipino person, that he’d always been really attracted to young Filipino women, I’d wonder why he thought it something I’d want to hear about and where the revelation was going next.

Your DH is being very strange about this.

I'm also bi, my long term (male) partner knows, and it's a non-issue.

Why is anything a turn off for someone? In terms of sex and attraction, some things you like, some things you don’t.

Speaking personally, it's like when you learn a wider set of responses, or allow yourself to better acknowledge responses - a bit like I imagine therapy to be - and you see a clearer picture of yourself. You look back and understand certain situations a bit better.

Again, speaking personally, it doesn't have an outward manifestation because I'm married to a man, happily. One advantage is that I can talk to people in a similar position though and not have any problem comprehending that they don't always feel one thing or another.

I don’t understand sexuality being a part of someone’s identity. I certainly don’t think the fact I’m heterosexual has anything to do with who I am as a person. It’s not personality related whatsoever - it’s just a sexual preference.

I also don’t see how it’s “phobic” if you don’t want to be with someone who is bisexual. There are some very controlling people on this thread.

if DH came to me and said he was also attracted to men, I would not want to be with him.

Jesus, I only read one page of the comments and I had to stop.

OP, you are not being unreasonable and I am sorry that your partner struggled to show some basic understanding.

I’m also bi and gently came out to my now husband over literal years! Why? Because I want the person I share my life with to understand me, my emotions, fears, turn ons, how I grew up a confused queer kid in a small town and how much that shaped who I am now. Not because I’m selfish or wanted to go off and do anything with anyone else. He was cool about it (and I have long suspected that he might quietly be in the same boat). Sorry you have had such an odd reaction from yours (and all the other people on this thread who have made me see red on this otherwise relaxed afternoon!)

All the best!

Are Gay men “straight phobic”?

If it is something you recently discovered, why do you think your DH already knew you were bisexual?

I can understand him having a negative reaction and I can also understand why he wanted to speak to a person of his choice rather than you getting to decide.

If my partner told me he was bisexual then I would massively struggle with that, however you said your partner knew you were attracted to women before so it shouldn't have come as such a big surprise. Perhaps it was the timing of it that caused this reaction as you had just been discussing a woman who divorced her husband and was now in a relationship with a woman.

If a man was coming out as bi to his wife, even if she should have at least had an inkling that he was bisexual anyway it is not likely to go down well at all if the conversation was about a male family member who divorced his wife and then ended up in a relationship with a man and then the husband announced that he was bisexual.

YABU. Stop behaving like the victim. Your poor husband was probably quite blindsided by this. I couldn't date a bisexual person and a lot of others feel the same way. That is not 'biphobia', before anyone starts. This site understands the concept of not wanting to sleep with a trans person (which I also wouldn't wish to do) not being 'transphobia' just fine, so the same applies to so called 'biphobia'.

I agree with @TimeZonePlantPot , it will have rocked his foundation and he’s not handling it well. Tbh, I’d be devastated if my DH told me that he was bi after many years together. It would be different if I knew from the beginning of our relationship, but I’d feel as if he had been hiding it from me-and as it came out of the blue, I’d assume assume that he’d told me because he wanted to explore other relationships.

I think that you need to keep reassuring him that you’re not interested in other relationships.

This. There wasn’t a need to tell him.

Being bisexual does not automatically mean you are up for an open relationship. One partner is enough thanks!

Sure but you literally told him in the context of a family member who'd divorced a man and got together with a woman. Doesn't take a genius to figure out it would make a husband feel very insecure! I think you've been very naive. Your recent discovery of this identity sounds pretty bogus too. Lots of us kissed girls when we were young, it's part of exploring sexual attraction and isn't necessarily an indication of being bi years later in a monogamous heterosexual marriage. You definitely can't control who he tells either.

I can’t imagine being arsed if someone didn’t want to date me for any reason. It wouldn’t be someone I was suited to so I wouldn’t care.

I’ve read people on here saying they wouldn’t date someone of my nationality, views on things and my dietary preferences. Who cares, it’s their choice who they date and sleep with.

If they were saying they wouldn’t employ me or would be unkind to me just because if those things, that would be different. But dating and sex, we all should be as picky as we want. It’s not phobia of discrimination and people saying it is are creepy af.

I think that's an insane reaction but women talk the same about finding out their husband is bisexual on here.

I'm bi, I've never had a negative reaction off a man, unless you count immediately asking for a threesome. DP has always been very open minded.

I tend to feel like people have very different thoughts about sex to me though. I think I am in the minority with my attitude towards sex, thankfully DP is in that same minority.

I don’t really get why it’s a big part of your identity. Surely you just fancy both men and women but married to a man and therefore it’s pretty irrelevant?

I’m also married to a man but find women attractive and potentially in another life I might have been with a woman. However, I’m not going to sit down with DH and be like ‘look, it’s part of my identity that I quite fancy our neighbour Joe but also Susan down the road. Not going to act on it but I felt you needed to know”.

Sorry OP, but I do think it’s attention seeking and you’ve hurt your DH in the process.

Will Sarah add, as the music grows tense, "Oh my God, I hope you knew she has been f* Melanie from the Morrison's too and Sarah the nail technician and also Patricia who is the wife of the guy who fixed your car last month? Shit, just remembered she begged me not to tell, I messed up, forget I said anything, hohohohoho" Cut to close up of his horrified face as he is dropping the milk.

Ok, I say it gently too, but you need to go out some more and stop watching so many soaps- unless you are aspiring to write Eastenders scripts; this would have not happened to anyone, ever in real life but thanks for the entertainment.
But enjoy the next episode by all means!

What has the trans issue got to do with anything?

I am a woman. If a lesbian didn't want to date me purely because she thinks that since I'm bisexual, I'm more likely to cheat on her, then yeah that's biphobic. If she finds the idea of touching me sexually where a man has previously touched me to be repulsive, then I mean.... Fair enough I guess. It's a bit weird, and I think it's fine to call that weird, but it doesn't strictly speaking count as biphobic.

The same with the trans things. If a lesbian doesn't want date a trans woman purely because she thinks that trans people are peadophiles (or some other prejudice) then yeah that's transphobic. If she doesn't want to date them because she isn't attracted to someone with that biology, that's fine, that's just her preference.

So I guess if I was the OP I'd want to find out - precisely what is it about being bisexual does her husband find so repulsive? If it's that he thinks she's going to cheat, he is biphobic. If it's that he only wants to sleep with people who only want to sleep with men, then that's his right of course. I'd want to know why, if it was my husband, and I'd worry that it's because he has strict ideas about male and female roles in the bedroom (and outside of it). And I also think that if this is such a massive deal for him, he never asked his wife - who he knew kissed girls before - whether she also fancies women.

Not wanting to date a bisexual isnt biphobic.
Not wanting to date a heterosexual isnt heterophobic
Not wanting to date a homosexual isnt homophobic.

People are allowed to have boundaries regarding their own attraction. To frame every boundary as bigotry / ignorance / hate is a modern phenomenon that gets on my last nerve.
It's designed to coerce people into accepting what they do not want to accept in their personal lives.

I agree with all this.

But I don’t think ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ is a good policy to have in a relationship.

No she’s not.