Fall out with Grandson

[LadySmurf]

Recently I was asked to look after my two grandsons 14 & 8. The 14yo can be a handful with his behaviour and language, but we had a lovely time together, I took them out for the day and they wanted to sleep over. The next morning, 14yo was stroppy and swearing - I asked him to stop and not talk like that. The 8yo said “Mum said if you’re naughty they’ll take away your Xbox for a week” well it was like a red rag. He started shouting and swearing at me - then he punched me in the stomach. I’m very sad and horrified to say, I smacked his face in a reactive moment. When his parents came, I explained what happened and said sorry to him. They said he would apologise the next day - but nothing.
They took him home and now a month on, I’ve not had any contact with him, only the rest of the family.
I saw him yesterday when I visited their house. I said hello and asked how he was? He ignored me and told his brother he hates me.
Its his birthday next week - I don’t feel like giving him a gift. should I still? AIBU?

That’s truly an awful post, one of the worst ever on mn.

He punched his granny in the stomach fgs.

Are you off your tits?

He punched her in the stomach?! It was automatic reaction to slap him back as self defense.

The parents are utterly disgusting to have not addressed it there and then, that would unforgivable to me. If either of my boys did that to my mum or mil they would bloody live to regret it.

A "child"? My DF was working at 14. If a 14 year old had punched me in the stomach he would have got a slap from me, and it would be a hard one. As for "she slapped because she was angry" - why did her GS punch her in the stomach, was that to defend himself?

There are some seriously disturbing responses on this thread. It's appalling how many are condoning violence and thinking that thuggish behaviour is acceptable. Some of you are not fit to raise children.

He’s a 14-year-old who punches women in the stomach when he’s told off for talking to her like dirt, not a toddler having a tantrum. Stop infantilising him.

He’s well over the age of criminal responsibility. What do you think would happen if he punched any other woman like that? He is not the victim here.

If I had a verbal altercation with a teenager in the street, and they punched me in the stomach, I would absolutely be defending myself physically.

I don’t think that’s true or fair. I was a victim of dv and worse for over a decade. I’m timid and definitely scarred for life mentally and non violent. I would have slapped the male who did that to me, not from angry but from being utterly terrified and trying to defend myself without hurting the other person.

One of my boys punched me once. I was so shocked I didn’t punch him back. I absolutely bellowed at him to get out of the house. In my view it’s domestic violence and I wanted to report it to the police. DH talked me down and I didn’t but I made it very very clear that if there was ever a repeat I would press charges for assault and made it clear that he would then go on the dv register and that this would impact his choice of partner in the future. He’d have a criminal record and any partner worth their salt would not date anyone on the dv register.

There are very few places where I’m prepared to tolerate feeling unsafe and my home is definitely not one of them.

I cannot begin to contemplate the punishment I would dish out to my 14 year old for punching his granny.

In my sons, very slight, defence he is autistic (which is no exemption from criminal responsibility)

I don't think there is any point in his parents making him apologise , at his age it needs to come from him and he needs to actually be sorry . I wouldn't withdraw his card and present either at this stage , he is obviously troubled ,but I wouldn't be making a lot of effort .

When in my 20s I was mugged by two boys who were 13 and 14. I kicked one of them as hard as I could and I hit one of them in the face. Then I called the police.

I definitely do not regret ‘reacting with violence’. They were two teenagers, both taller than me, who had attacked me. I’m not a passive martyr. They still got away with the £20 I had in my pocket but I’m glad they learnt that there are consequences if you attack someone.

About a year later I discovered they were part of group of kids who were arrested and sent to a young offenders institution for a number of years for some much more serious crimes than the one against me. I hope they did well in custody and got whatever support they needed and turned their lives around one way or another and are now adults living a decent happy life away from whatever awful influences/abuses drove them to behave like that in the first place. But I don’t remotely regret clouting them.

It’s all very well and good for PP to say you should remain calm but it’s not a choice.

If someone punches you in the stomach, potentially winding you, fight and flight will kick in. 14 year old lads can be big and strong too, it’s not the same as a toddler lashing out. OP also had an 8 year old to keep safe and no idea if it was a single punch or the start of an attack.

OP I would be speaking to his parents and asking them what’s been done to address his behaviour. Buying him a gift sends the signal it’s resolved/accepted and it shouldn’t be if he’s going around saying he hates you. He should be falling over himself to apologise, there is no excuse for punching you like that and it’s really worrying he’s using physical intimidation against family members.

Not sure why people are focusing on the apology. “It’s ok to hit women if you apologise afterwards” is hardly the lesson here (although it’s one that plenty of violent and abusive men seem to learn).

For a teenager to punch his granny in the stomach is so far outside what’s acceptable that it needs specialist intervention. The nice way is with a psychologist. The less nice way is with the police.

I wonder whether people focusing on who apologises to whom are approaching this as parents of much smaller children. I’m the mum of a teenage boy who’s 6’2”- if he punched an elderly lady in the stomach there’s a reasonable chance he’d kill her. It’s really important that the parents respond adequately to what’s happened and do not brush it under the carpet. I hate to say it but I also wonder whether there’s violence in the home more generally.

If one of my kids did this to my MIL I expect she would slap them! Or be devastated. No way would it go unpunished

What an absolutely disgusting boy. He should be very ashamed of himself and I would make it very clear that unless he grovels and addresses his vile behaviour where he punched an older lady in the stomach, he will never be welcome at your house again.
Those defending him, would you defend someone’s male partner doing this? It’s unforgivable and 14 is completely old enough to know right from wrong. I and virtually everyone I know managed to grow up without ever ever physically attacking out grandparents (or parents for that matter).

You did nothing wrong. He assaulted you, you gave a defensive slap. Youd be daft to allow it to continue. The parents should have dealt with it and made him apologise to you. They've left it undealt with, and now it's manifested into anger towards you. I'd take a step back and leave them to it. I would say there's a card when they visit. If they don't come for a month, then take the money out and spend it. I have a horrible feeling that teenage boy is going to end up with behavioural issues. It could have all been avoided if they disciplined him better.

I can only assume some PPs have not read the ages properly and have assumed toddlers/small children because I'm amazed you're being told you were wrong and even that you should get a gift!

A 14 year old, presumably not far off the size of a grown man has punched his own grandmother in the stomach? This is horrifying. Of course you shouldn't get him a gift or have to apologise.

Honestly what is wrong with his parents? They go to pick up their child and find out he punched his grandmother in the stomach who then apologises because she slapped him and they are not horrified? Their response is just that he would apologise the next day? Then they say nothing about it ever again and allow him to ignore you and say he hates you?

He sounds like he needs some serious professional help as I really don't think that's anywhere near normal teenage behaviour.

My 14-year-old son is 6 foot 2 and built and I dread to think of the damage he could do if he punched an elderly woman. Luckily he wouldn't because that is COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOUR.

You need to speak to your daughter/son (whoever the parent of this GS is) about this, because a) he really does need to apologise to you and I am shocked that he hasn't and b) he clearly has serious behavioural issues which need addressing. It's not your responsibility to address them, but I'd make it clear that you won't be inviting him (in fact, either child) to your house again if there's the slightest risk of further violent behaviour.

If he punches a girl at school, is she allowed to defend herself, or should she "calmly step away and diffuse"?

If, in later life, he punches his wife, is she allowed to defend herself, or should she "calmly step away and diffuse"?

As others have said, he's 14, not 4, and for him to use violence is utterly unacceptable, and he needs to start learning that, ASAP. I'm very anti-violence, but if you use violence against others, they have a right to defend themselves. Other people are not a punching bag that you can use to work through your emotions.

Sorry in advance for what I'm going to say.
But if a 14 year old punched me he'd have a slap back.
What if he done this to someone else do you think they would just take it from him I think not.
I'd have words with the parents and he can get fuck all gifts.
He's supposed to a young man but choosing to hit women his own nan.
Im all out of fucks to give when it comes to idiots.

This is peak mumsnet.

A 14 year old boy is incredibly strong and often as large as a woman.

He PUNCHED her in the stomach.

Her slapping him as a reaction is completely understandable and your suggestions will just show him that violence against women is okay.

He actually needed a serious intervention from his father and/or other men in the family.

Surely this is a conversation you should be having with your son/daughter?
Ask them what happened when they got home, ask them why he feels it’s your fault rather than him taking any responsibility for his behaviour.
Ask them what they think you should do regarding the upcoming birthday?
And don’t ever have him stay over again… that level of violence shouldn’t be tolerated from a teenager ! He’s a violent threat to you!

@Cicciabella so there's no comeback or consequences on a 14 year old lad who punched his grandmother first???

His was deliberate, hers was a reflex.

If he's allowed to do this at 14, what will he be doing at 18-20?

What a load of utter codswallop !! A 14 year old boy punched his grandmother in the stomach and you think she should be the one to apologise to him for her surprised reaction ? He’s clearly not frightened of anything or anyone if he’s behaving like this and from what OP says they’re on the brink of a more serious problem as he gets older, if they don’t get control of this now.

You might work with teens at the sharp end of neglect but this is not that and you clearly don’t recognise the difference.

He PUNCHED YOU IN THE GUTS?

If that's what this vile brat is like at 14 I dread to think what he'd be like at 28. He's a wife beater in the making.

You did right to hit him back. Don't apologize for being a victim, Don't ever buy him any gifts ever again. Avoid the vicious psycho as much as possible. He's already proving to be a danger to females.

He punched her in the stomach, his own grandmother and you think she should write to him begging his forgiveness?
Seriously??
No wonder some men grow up to.think it's ok to assault women!

The more I reread @Cicciabella post as everyone quotes it, the more angry I'm getting. I seriously hope that poster is a deluded MRA on here to wind us all up (sadly it's working) but if not, what a terrible attitude to have with regard to violence, and won't do the lad any good at all long term.

Did you wake up this morning thinking you'd chastise a granny for being an inadequate punchbag?