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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fall out with Grandson

835 replies

LadySmurf · 30/05/2024 06:30

Recently I was asked to look after my two grandsons 14 & 8. The 14yo can be a handful with his behaviour and language, but we had a lovely time together, I took them out for the day and they wanted to sleep over. The next morning, 14yo was stroppy and swearing - I asked him to stop and not talk like that. The 8yo said “Mum said if you’re naughty they’ll take away your Xbox for a week” well it was like a red rag. He started shouting and swearing at me - then he punched me in the stomach. I’m very sad and horrified to say, I smacked his face in a reactive moment. When his parents came, I explained what happened and said sorry to him. They said he would apologise the next day - but nothing.
They took him home and now a month on, I’ve not had any contact with him, only the rest of the family.
I saw him yesterday when I visited their house. I said hello and asked how he was? He ignored me and told his brother he hates me.
Its his birthday next week - I don’t feel like giving him a gift. should I still? AIBU?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
6
LordPercyPercy · 30/05/2024 22:52

The reality is that once males start to gain adult strength, you can't treat them/parent them like little boys any more when it comes to this stuff.
Boys age 14/15 sometimes rape and kill. They're not safe little children any more.

BettyUnderswoob · 30/05/2024 22:54

And yet, during this 'very difficult stage of life', almost all teenagers can control their anger and frustrations enough not to punch people, let alone their own grandma.

So much this ^
Being a teenager is no excuse for anything. My brothers and sons, like most teen boys, managed to negotiate adolescence without unprovoked attacks on older women.
Such behaviour, whilst not unknown, is by no means common; nor is it ever justified. Where it does occur it must be dealt with harshly. No hugs, apologies from victims and certainly no fucking presents.

TheaBrandt · 30/05/2024 23:05

Finding these apologist responses really quite concerning.

G123456789 · 30/05/2024 23:16

What the fuck a 14 year old boy punches his grandmother and people make excuses.
My 20year old cousin broke into my grandmother house 25 years ago...he still knows I will put him in a coma if I find him
If this lad were related to me he'd still be in crutches...there is no excuse

Delphinium20 · 30/05/2024 23:19

Male violence against an older female relative and female defends herself from his attack. That's what this is. To make any excuses for the teen boy is just defending male violence.

Badgertime · 30/05/2024 23:38

OP, I haven't read all the replies but quite a few and I'm glad most people are seeing sense. I really hope you are OK.
Boys this age are usually as tall as or taller than you probably are and it must have been quite a shock.
Please don't buy this boy any gifts for now. He needs to apologise before you can even think about that.
I work in secondary and have never experienced any physical assault from any of the boys there. Thankfully, most have a conscience and know wrong from right even if they do play up.
Do you know if the parents have reported it to anyone? They should be at least informing school as it's a safeguarding concern and he could do it to anyone else.
Your grandson needs help and it's not safe for you to be around him at present.

notacooldad · 30/05/2024 23:46

Oh look... another huge and controversial thread where an OP has dropped a bomb and then not returned
School holidays = bored kids

I said this earlier, Whether this paticular post is true or not,the scenario is very real. I am dealing with a case where the 12 year old lad squares up to his nan( who us his carer) and pushes her with his shoulder to get past her when she asks him to go to school. He has hit her and she walks on eggshells.
She is terrified of him. Social care say it's not their problem because there are no child safeguarding issues for him and his two younger brothers.
I know she lives in fear in her own house.

You could be right, but we have bigger problems here. The apologists. This is exactly right.

Vergeofbreakdown23 · 30/05/2024 23:54

I'd get him a card but no present. I'd explain that until you get an apology (and a proper one at that) and some respect then there'll be no more presents!

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 31/05/2024 00:36

LadySmurf · 30/05/2024 06:30

Recently I was asked to look after my two grandsons 14 & 8. The 14yo can be a handful with his behaviour and language, but we had a lovely time together, I took them out for the day and they wanted to sleep over. The next morning, 14yo was stroppy and swearing - I asked him to stop and not talk like that. The 8yo said “Mum said if you’re naughty they’ll take away your Xbox for a week” well it was like a red rag. He started shouting and swearing at me - then he punched me in the stomach. I’m very sad and horrified to say, I smacked his face in a reactive moment. When his parents came, I explained what happened and said sorry to him. They said he would apologise the next day - but nothing.
They took him home and now a month on, I’ve not had any contact with him, only the rest of the family.
I saw him yesterday when I visited their house. I said hello and asked how he was? He ignored me and told his brother he hates me.
Its his birthday next week - I don’t feel like giving him a gift. should I still? AIBU?

I would not give him a gift. End of story.

Either he is still being punished by his parents, or was temporarily and holds you responsible for his actions.

Or they are brushing it under the carpet, as are you by visiting and saying hello, how are you.

Either way, this bodes very badly for any teen/child/near adult who is not being held accountable for their behaviour nor willingness to apologise profusely for such a lack of control.

User8646382 · 31/05/2024 00:56

The problem of course is that kids are untouchable these days. They have too much power and it’s not good for them. It’s dangerous actually.

We need an urgent reset and quick. A bit of discipline while they are still manageable would be a good start, but how do you discipline your own kids when you don’t know what discipline is yourself? This child-centred insanity has been going on since the 1990s.

yesimactively · 31/05/2024 02:00

Ah, another one where the OP posts one time and never returns!!

Louise303 · 31/05/2024 02:10

notacooldad · 30/05/2024 23:46

Oh look... another huge and controversial thread where an OP has dropped a bomb and then not returned
School holidays = bored kids

I said this earlier, Whether this paticular post is true or not,the scenario is very real. I am dealing with a case where the 12 year old lad squares up to his nan( who us his carer) and pushes her with his shoulder to get past her when she asks him to go to school. He has hit her and she walks on eggshells.
She is terrified of him. Social care say it's not their problem because there are no child safeguarding issues for him and his two younger brothers.
I know she lives in fear in her own house.

You could be right, but we have bigger problems here. The apologists. This is exactly right.

That is awful if its domestic violence by a child or grandchild its devastating to the family and especially if there are younger siblings. My friends had to call the police so many times but never pressed charges this went on from the age of 13. The police would give him a warning and then because there was younger children in the house social services were called. He was the child and if police and social services came and seen the parents especially the dad who was not a small man they felt judged for not being able to stop him. He hit his mum and lied when the police came that she hit him first he was taken to the police station with a family member his parents were not allowed because he made an accusation. He admitted he lied and then it was back to square one he knew his parents were scared of him and gave in to a lot of demands. He used to get money from them and one time when his mum said no he rang the police and said I think my mum is having a mental breakdown and my younger siblings are in the house. 3 police turned up asking her questions but realised from the callout history he was lying. The parents and his siblings do not have a good relationship with him now and he is heading for 30. None of the other children were any way violent and his brother was only exactly 2 years younger. More help is needed for this boys poor nan it will only get worse and not fair on the younger siblings watching this.

showerjelly · 31/05/2024 03:36

Itsallsoboring · 30/05/2024 21:08

while I understand why you hit him, I don't agree with it. it's not really leading by example and he is a child. you are a grown up. you can't tell a child to be non-violent if you've used it too. his violent behaviour is a problem and he will be worse as he grows - his parents must address this. him hitting you is absolutely wrong - in fact, he assaulted you. either way, it's wrong of you both. there is something deeply wrong here and you must help him and yourself. good luck.

He's old enough to be prosecuted, not a toddler!

Scintella · 31/05/2024 04:51

The OP windup merchant never came back

KimberleyClark · 31/05/2024 05:24

ByPeachSeal · 30/05/2024 07:30

A slap isn’t a defence. She slapped because she was angry, not to defend herself.

It’s not meant to be a threat. It’s as simple as not wanting my child around an adult that loses control and reacts with violence like that.

Show quote history

What the actual fuck? Any decent parent should be more concerned about their thug of a child losing control and punching his own granny in the stomach than about her slapping him back in shock.

DaffydownClock · 31/05/2024 07:18

Scintella · 31/05/2024 04:51

The OP windup merchant never came back

^^ this 🙄
They got everyone frothing nicely!

TellMeWhoTheVillainsAre · 31/05/2024 07:23

LadySmurf · 30/05/2024 06:30

Recently I was asked to look after my two grandsons 14 & 8. The 14yo can be a handful with his behaviour and language, but we had a lovely time together, I took them out for the day and they wanted to sleep over. The next morning, 14yo was stroppy and swearing - I asked him to stop and not talk like that. The 8yo said “Mum said if you’re naughty they’ll take away your Xbox for a week” well it was like a red rag. He started shouting and swearing at me - then he punched me in the stomach. I’m very sad and horrified to say, I smacked his face in a reactive moment. When his parents came, I explained what happened and said sorry to him. They said he would apologise the next day - but nothing.
They took him home and now a month on, I’ve not had any contact with him, only the rest of the family.
I saw him yesterday when I visited their house. I said hello and asked how he was? He ignored me and told his brother he hates me.
Its his birthday next week - I don’t feel like giving him a gift. should I still? AIBU?

When his parents came they said he would apologise the next day? Why not immediately. I would be horrified if my 14 year old physically assaulted my mother or my MIL.

The fact he wasn't immediately made apologise or at least marched down to you the next day reflects badly on them. He's 14. It's a horrible age in children's lives, but he needs firm guidance and to know his family are united in not tolerating this.

I wouldn't be engaging with him until he came back to you. I certainly wouldn't be giving him a present. What message is that sending? He's 14, not 4.

gardenmusic · 31/05/2024 07:41

something2say · Yesterday 06:33

'I think give a gift but at some stage sit him down alone and explain that punching people and shouting and swearing is not good, ask for an apology and then give a big hug when he does apologise and then let that be an end to it.

He has a lot of challenges if he is acting like this, and you have a good chance to teach him about saying sorry.

I'm sorry you are going through this.
excellent advice right there. So sorry you had to deal with this.'

NO. Not excellent advice. Bollocks right there. He is 14, not 2

notacooldad · 31/05/2024 07:43

The OP windup merchant never came back
*^^ this 🙄
They got everyone frothing nicely!
Who knows.
However it has been quite an eye opener to see people's attitudes towards this situation

Whether this case is true or not is neither here nor there, this scenario plays out for real in homes up and down the country.
Some opinions have astounded me.

Livingtothefull · 31/05/2024 07:46

Reading some of these responses I can quite understand why male violence against women is at epidemic levels.

gardenmusic · 31/05/2024 07:52

DaffydownClock · Today 07:18
Scintella · Today 04:51

The OP windup merchant never came back
^^ this 🙄
They got everyone frothing nicely!

But it really doesn't matter, does it? It is a very valid thread, which has opened a lot of debate, and shown (unless they are winding us up) that several people need educating about male violence.

JazbayGrapes · 31/05/2024 08:22

He started shouting and swearing at me - then he punched me in the stomach.

WHAT???
Is this is for real this kid belongs in an institution.

whatsitcalledwhen · 31/05/2024 08:49

TheaBrandt · 30/05/2024 23:05

Finding these apologist responses really quite concerning.

Me too. I've found it more upsetting than I thought to read it.

It goes quite some way to explaining how boys who are abusive go on to become men who are abusive.

So depressing.

whatsitcalledwhen · 31/05/2024 08:50

Vergeofbreakdown23 · 30/05/2024 23:54

I'd get him a card but no present. I'd explain that until you get an apology (and a proper one at that) and some respect then there'll be no more presents!

Edited

Why a card? Why should she do that to someone who has assaulted her and hasn't apologised? Why is that a different principle to getting him a gift?

whatsitcalledwhen · 31/05/2024 08:51

@ByPeachSeal didn't return then, to let us know how this grandma was supposed to know he would stop at punching her once in the stomach?