Fall out with Grandson

[LadySmurf]

Recently I was asked to look after my two grandsons 14 & 8. The 14yo can be a handful with his behaviour and language, but we had a lovely time together, I took them out for the day and they wanted to sleep over. The next morning, 14yo was stroppy and swearing - I asked him to stop and not talk like that. The 8yo said “Mum said if you’re naughty they’ll take away your Xbox for a week” well it was like a red rag. He started shouting and swearing at me - then he punched me in the stomach. I’m very sad and horrified to say, I smacked his face in a reactive moment. When his parents came, I explained what happened and said sorry to him. They said he would apologise the next day - but nothing.
They took him home and now a month on, I’ve not had any contact with him, only the rest of the family.
I saw him yesterday when I visited their house. I said hello and asked how he was? He ignored me and told his brother he hates me.
Its his birthday next week - I don’t feel like giving him a gift. should I still? AIBU?

Absolutely not. I wouldn't give him anything at all. Don't beat yourself up for slapping him either. He punched you in the stomach. I wouldn't look after him again either.

I think that’s exactly what the ‘good’ parents on here would do.

I wonder what the correlation of parents like that and men children on other threads who scream and shout and bully their partners when they are expected to be grown ups is. Quite high I imagine.

I grew up in a violent household and abhor violence but I still think the granny was within her rights to slap the little shit. His parents should be the ones saying sorry not OP

I think you reacted badly to an awful situation by hitting your grandson back.

Lmfao.

Catch a grip.

He deserved a battering. He's a spoilt boy, getting a slap.

And now he has failed to apologise, as if you can fkg apologise for punching your granny in the stomach ....and failed to acknowledge her when she (wrongly) tried to be polite to him/acknowledge him.

He is a disgrace. His parents are failing to an incredible degree.

He should be reported for assault. His record should be accurate.... Because I'm sure there will be a record, a long one.

I know a guy who said that his mother,when he was cheeky to her, hit him hard in the face ....and he laughed while recalling it, saying it wasn't even an open handed slap like he would expect from a woman .... it was a punch. He had a good relationship with her, and it taught him some manners.
Can you imagine what that woman would do to this violent, out of control shit of a boy? He would learn that you don't punch people, including a woman, and an older woman - without getting something back.

It was my normal growing up
To be beaten and verbally abused day in , day out.
@eggplant16
I am so sorry that you have gone through this.
I'm sat alone in my car and I feel a mixture of rage and sadness for women like you, that have gone through this abuse.

I was thinking just now we never know if posts on here are genuine. What I can say is, as I mentioned in a previous post, this story is definitely not unique. There are many grandparents who are bringing up grandchildren for various reasons ( I know the op isnt).
It is more common in my experience to see teen males batter their nans than females. The girls tend to go missing from home. I don't know if this is a nationwide trend or something to do with the referrals I get.

Jesus Christ. If any of my DC’s grew up and punched their grandma in the stomach I would be absolutely horrified, what on earth are the parents doing to rectify this??? I’m so upset for you OP. Your grandson is a nasty piece of work.

I don't think I would give him a card or present as he does not deserve one. Slapping him wasn't a great retaliation to him punching you but his behaviour was inexcusable. I think I would have been tempted to say you did not like him either when he said he hated you. Hard to see where you go from here but he obviously has serious issues and I would definitely be talking to his parents. Any further behaviour like that from him and I would be reporting him for assault, grandson or not.

@eggplant16 I'm so sorry. Home is the place you should feel safe growing up.

I think that’s exactly what the ‘good’ parents on here would do.

"Gentle hands darling".

Hi OP,

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It sounds absolutely horrible, and must be very upsetting.

It sounds to me as though it may be a mixture of him being too embarrassed to apologise, and possibly him also telling himself it was your fault because you were generous enough to apologise.

You did nothing wrong - please try not to fret about it. FWIW I would not be buying him a birthday present, and I think his parents have really let you down.

Try not to worry about it. I know it's natural to regret reacting as you did, but it's equally as natural to have done what you did in the circumstances. A grandson punching his grandmother is just totally off the scale in terms of behaviour in my world, and in yours too from the sound of it. Again, it's just horrible.

Thinking of you

Reacting with violence when you are actually saying violence is not acceptable, is hypocritical and sending all the wrong messages.
I'm sorry you were punched, but a 14 year old who is hitting, clearly is experiencing some heightened emotions which he cannot regulate. The best thing would have been to tell him how hurt, and upset you are about what he did to you.

The best thing to do now, is maybe have that chat but stay calm and be accepting that he needs a sense of safety and security.

Or punish him for his absolutely vile and unacceptable behaviour.

I'm not sure "gentle hands" is the answer here! It's probably what got him here,

No presents, no celebration, because his behaviour is vile!

It was a self-bloody defensive automatic reaction FFS. A reaction for which she has apologised. I note that his actions seem to have gone completely unacknowledged and un-apologised for, nor does there seem to be a plan in place for the kid's parents to teach him to channel his anger and frustration better.

OP, this really is on his parents. If I were in your shoes I'd sit down with them without the boys present and ask them what they did to deal with it, why you haven't received an apology, if he's still got his Xbox, and how they are supporting their 14 year old son to learn how to make better choices in the heat of the moment.

None of them deserve your company, let alone your cards or gifts, until it is resolved satisfactorily.

Thank you.

Yes, apparently you’re fair game if you’re a teacher.

@Yellowwallflower1 great advice. A 14 year old who can’t regulate his emotions to the extent of punching his granny when threatened with having his x box taken away would have reacted brilliantly to a conversation about the hurt and upset his violence caused.

Granny could paint a target on her face whilst she at it so he knows where to aim next time, so he feels safe and secure in discussions about his violence.

Unbelievable bad behaviour from grandson
I’m not surprised you slapped him , you were probably in shock
The parents house have told him his behaviour is unacceptable, he should have apologised ( but this hasn’t happened )

I would still see younger grandson , be cool mannered with your Son / daughter and let them know how disappointed you are

absolutely no gift

( And if id heard him say he hated you , I would probably respond with that I hate you too , you little shit ) ( but that’s just me )

I appreciate it was automatic.
However there is also a 14 year old who was physically assaulted. He may also be feeling betrayed, hurt and upset. And while he has not apologised, I don't believe forcing an apology from him, without him understanding the issue, is going to be helpful.
Yes it is the parents job to help him to regulate, but clearly there is more going on here. There is a high chance, he is watching violent video games on his x box and he is re-enacting the things he is experiencing. I think blaming him and him alone is wrong. The ADULTs in the this situation are not doing their jobs.

I don't agree with most of this. It reads like victim blaming to me.
I do not agree that the Op reacted 'with violence'; if you are punched it hurts and shocks you, and any reaction is instinctive.

I don't doubt that he is going through a difficult emotional time as most teens do; but most teens go through it without ever punching their GMs. He needs to get the message that this is unacceptable and he needs to get it from his parents, it is not the OP's responsibility. Why should the OP have to have a chat with him - perhaps putting herself at risk again- when he has not even acknowledged his wrongdoing and apologised?

'Reacting with violence when you are actually saying violence is not acceptable, is hypocritical and sending all the wrong messages.
I'm sorry you were punched, but a 14 year old who is hitting, clearly is experiencing some heightened emotions which he cannot regulate. The best thing would have been to tell him how hurt, and upset you are about what he did to you.
The best thing to do now, is maybe have that chat but stay calm and be accepting that he needs a sense of safety and security.'

He needs a sense of safety and security!
Do you have a two brain cells to rub together, Yellow wallflower?
Yeah, you hypocrite OP - retaliating, you evil woman, sending the wrong messages.
A retaliatory kick in the balls would have sent a better message!

He is 14, not 4. He chose not to regulate, as all male abusers do. Betcha he could regulate faced with a large, strong unrelated male.

Thank you.

I feel foolish saying this now: I never told the police that I’d been pregnant. I had no proof and I was worried about the psychological impact on the boy. (I feel like an idiot, given what happened later.)

Reading this thread has brought it all back.

I’m astounded at the comments suggesting that the Grandmother should pander to the boy.

But hopefully, when (if) these teenage boys were caught I would think the consequences for them would be far more severe than if it happened today. Nowadays their would be allsorts of social workers, youth workers etc, showering them with "interventions" days out, money to spend, treats, while the decent kids have to watch on.
Doesn't really inspire much confidence in what is now laughingly called justice

I'm sorry you were punched, but a 14 year old who is hitting, clearly is experiencing some heightened emotions which he cannot regulate.

Utter rubbish. I bet he'd have regulated himself just fine around a large burly bloke.

Why does he get more grace than the actual of make violence, of an unprovoked assault?

However there is also a 14 year old who was physically assaulted

He got a slap after HE physically assaulted someone. He is no victim.

Its his birthday next week - I don’t feel like giving him a gift. should I still?

Yes, you’re the grown up and the bigger person. Family doesn’t shun each other over incidents like this. He’s a child.

So so true.

@Despair1 sounds incredibly naive and idealistic.

This kid needs help, yes but that doesn't mean buying presents and letting him think this is all ok. Real love has strong boundaries, strong values and respect for others. Thats what he needs to learn, NOT that he can do what he likes with no consequences.

Lady Smurf. Has never posted before. It's school holiday entertainment

Yes, you’re the grown up and the bigger person. Family doesn’t shun each other over incidents like this. He’s a child.
He is a young person who knows right from wrong.
He is someone that could have severely damaged a woman.

This isn't a bit of a family tiff. This is an unprovoked assault. If he did this to a stanger in the street the police would have been called