Fall out with Grandson

[LadySmurf]

Recently I was asked to look after my two grandsons 14 & 8. The 14yo can be a handful with his behaviour and language, but we had a lovely time together, I took them out for the day and they wanted to sleep over. The next morning, 14yo was stroppy and swearing - I asked him to stop and not talk like that. The 8yo said “Mum said if you’re naughty they’ll take away your Xbox for a week” well it was like a red rag. He started shouting and swearing at me - then he punched me in the stomach. I’m very sad and horrified to say, I smacked his face in a reactive moment. When his parents came, I explained what happened and said sorry to him. They said he would apologise the next day - but nothing.
They took him home and now a month on, I’ve not had any contact with him, only the rest of the family.
I saw him yesterday when I visited their house. I said hello and asked how he was? He ignored me and told his brother he hates me.
Its his birthday next week - I don’t feel like giving him a gift. should I still? AIBU?

WTF??????

'Of course she does, she's the responsible adult in the situation and she lost control. It wasn't the appropriate way to deal with it.'

... and another one!
We are not talking about a small child.
It was a shock reaction to an adult size boy thumping her, and probably better for him that she didn't take the appropriate action - a call to the police.

What would your response be to a teenage boy thumping you in the gut?
You could swat him with your halo.

I agree. But it could also fall I to the natural consequences that no one tells him, everyone enforces its OK and the natural consequences is that he gets charged with gbh when he hits a non relative.

I have alway drummed into my kids that if you hit someone past a certain age its gbh and the police.

No man or woman would hit me without me reporting it to the police

I don't disagree with letting him know that he has committed a criminal act and even with calling the police. I do think the parents have to try to gain some understanding of why this behaviour is happening in an effort to stop it. That doesn't mean saying "I understand why you felt the need to punch me, darling" it means digging to see if there are any underlying issues. If he's just "bad" it will become apparent but there's still hope for change.

I’m not convinced that this is about a young man learning to hate women. I just think kids - boys and girls - are totally out of control. They have been spoilt to the extent that they are essentially narcissists, utterly incapable of empathy.

This is what will ultimately do society in, because this lot are out of control and dangerous. I even read an article the other day about a gang of young kids who had stoned a peacock to death. Just for fun. They are monsters and it’s our fault for enabling it.

Are you serious? Fucks sake he assaulted his nan, this is never ever ok. She is not to blame, she did nothing wrong and his behaviour raises serious red flags.

OP, I would walk away and hope that one day he grows up and understands the seriousness of his actions. He sounds a troubled child but he’s not yours to solve. Don’t engage.

Absolutely not ! This is terrible advice, he is certainly old enough to know what he did was wrong, 'gentle parenting' is completely inappropriate here for a 14 year old!

He doesn’t sound the remotest bit sorry and he hasn’t faced any consequences for his actions.

If I were you op I would report the assault to the police. I imagine you wouldn’t want him prosecuted but the police would definitely make it clear that he can’t go around punching people. Personally I wouldn’t see your grandson, certainly not at the moment, as I don’t think you can trust him.

I do have experience with aggressive teens and this is the way I would deal with it looking back on incidents which I perhaps downplayed or when I let off the offender.

Yeah. He's learned that it's OK to attack people because they'll get over it. I'll bet my house that this is not the first time he's hit someone. It's just the first time he's hit his gran. This is the perfect opportunity to show him that that's not OK. That not everyone will forgive and forget. Personally, I think I would have contacted the police and had them confront him. Maybe that would have been a reality check for him.

Anonymouseposter,
You cannot 'understand' because he may have issues.
I have issues. There are a lot of teenagers with issues.
How many of them thump their Grannies?
The only issue I would understand is if the aggressor was totally unable mentally to understand their actions.
I'm sure he would rather have a slap round the chops than a criminal record.

No she has not lost the moral high ground. If it were not so serious I would be laughing at the idea that there is a 'correct' response to being punched in the stomach. You yourself say it was instinctive and you don't blame her - so how can she have lost the moral high ground??

The last thing any of us needs is another male apologist for male violence against women.

Hopefully this will not end in permanent estrangement - but the GS will need to realise that his actions are beyond the pale and want to make amends to the OP, before the family can repair this. I hope this happens before the GS becomes an adult, when he will no longer be entitled to unconditional love from anyone even family.

Among some of the other confused posts is this: 'Love and hate are closely connected'. No they are not; they are entirely separate. They are like oil and water.

However, regardless of what had happened before, if you ever hit my child you wouldn’t see them again.

If the brat you've chosen to breed badly thumped me, grandson or not, you wouldn't be hearing it from me, it would be coming from the police.

Idiots who support their violent brats come what may should be banned from breeding any more.

You have to be joking right. He punched his grandmother in the stomach. I would have punched him back in the stomach.

Hear, hear!!

I haven't criticised the grandmother for the "slap round the chops" as some posters have. I have answered her question about whether I would still acknowledge his birthday despite what happened and whether I would wish to maintain a relationship with him. Understand doesn't mean excuse, it means to understand what the issues are and address them-which is really the parent's responsibility.

'She lost the moral high ground when she slapped him, I don't blame her, I can see it being instinctive. It's family and I would want to do everything I could to build bridges. If it was a random child on the street, I'd feel very different, or a godchild who you can remove from your life. Put more fuel on the fire, and it may take him a decade to be old enough and big enough to apologise. It can never not happen now, but I'd want to avoid it being a long-term wedge through the family'.

Bloody women hit back, didn't she. Didn't take it. Look what she's done now! She better put it right.
Bad enough that she's questioning herself, without some dick head pointing out how she can pacify her aggressor.

No way in hell would I do that if I'd been punched by one of my GC

And he shouldn't be embarrassed

He should be ashamed

MNHQ, can we please have a Bollocks button alongside the Thanks?

'Prioritise relationship over behaviour'

I wonder how many women have done this and are now dead.

Yes, a bollocks button, please.

I wonder how the parents have addressed this. I can't imagine my grandson hitting me but his parents would be appalled . I'm not sure OP is coming back but I would be interested to know what the parents have said to her since this happened.

Dealing with an adult partner is different from dealing with a 14 year old son/grandson.

Seconded.

How so? The punches hurt just the same.

They all started somewhere...

It can be done but only if the adults around them are willing to actually show some backbone and discipline them properly (my sons a lot younger but if he had punched my mother I think the theoretical X-box he doesn't have would be going in the bin. Let alone being removed for a week Along with much stricter boundaries for other behaviour (swearing etc) because it would be clear things had gone to far.

Unconditional love does not equal no boundaries.