Fall out with Grandson

[LadySmurf]

Recently I was asked to look after my two grandsons 14 & 8. The 14yo can be a handful with his behaviour and language, but we had a lovely time together, I took them out for the day and they wanted to sleep over. The next morning, 14yo was stroppy and swearing - I asked him to stop and not talk like that. The 8yo said “Mum said if you’re naughty they’ll take away your Xbox for a week” well it was like a red rag. He started shouting and swearing at me - then he punched me in the stomach. I’m very sad and horrified to say, I smacked his face in a reactive moment. When his parents came, I explained what happened and said sorry to him. They said he would apologise the next day - but nothing.
They took him home and now a month on, I’ve not had any contact with him, only the rest of the family.
I saw him yesterday when I visited their house. I said hello and asked how he was? He ignored me and told his brother he hates me.
Its his birthday next week - I don’t feel like giving him a gift. should I still? AIBU?

It would be a good start if parents taught their kids how to behave. The problem is most parents don’t know how to behave anymore either.

The little shit is very lucky he only got a slap after punching his GM in the stomach which is assault. What was the punishment from his parents for being so brutal ? Damn sure I wouldn't be giving a gift to reward such violence.
The violent teenager will grow to be a violent abuser if his parents don't sort him out quickly

It's not that bloody difficult!

Christ!

I know right. According to that logic we should all be making life easy for teenage brutes...and then buy them their gift of choice. Must tell my teenagers I've been doing it all wrong.

Yes, I do know that no one has to put up with violence but, putting myself in OP’s shoes I would be extremely disappointed in my grandson but also concerned that he was on track to grow up to become a violent thug. I would be thinking of the most strategic way to help avert this. I would also be aware that my influence was very limited and it was really up to the parents. It would be in my mind that he’s still adolescent and has capacity to change. I don’t agree with the poster who’s saying the grandmother is in the wrong and has behaved in a terrible way but as a gran I would not “so wish” not to have a relationship with him going forward. I may be telling both my child and my grandchild that if it occurred again I would call the police. Perhaps that would result in me being cut off, depending on what the parents are like?

You would still want a relationship if he showed no remorse whatsoever? Then said he hated you after the assault? I would have nothing to do with him unless there was a serious level of intervention and a recognition of what he did. I suppose we're all different.

They found assault amusing? Disgusting.

The whole thing sounds disgusting. I'm sorry (also for your miscarriage).

This is asking quite a lot, isn't it?

@WearyAuldWumman I have read your posts and just want to say that I am so sorry for what happened to you at the hands of that vile, nasty little thug. I really wish society would crack down on these thugs and their parents but I know that's controversial.

Absolutely no gift. A card yes with an honest message if you like, be prepared for it not to be read but a least you can reach out to maybe make him empathise. I would also have a conversation with the parent and try to support them in finding a way forward to change his attitude.

Bloody hell no wonder teens are out of control, causing havoc and not showing any respect for anything or anyone, going by the replies here, the little darlings can do no wrong! Punching their gran and expecting the gran to just suck it up because she is the adult?!, sorry but at nearly 15 they know right from wrong and assaulting an elderly woman is disgraceful even if not related to you! Disgusting behaviour from the teen and the parents. I would get the police involved before he assaults or kills someone.

Ridiculous response.

Yes, because he’s not a fully developed adult yet and while the responsibility rests with his parents I would feel some responsibility to influence him. Do you think family should cut teenagers off if their behaviour is so out of order or should try a mixture of discipline and understanding to try to help them turn things round?

Of course she does, she's the responsible adult in the situation and she lost control. It wasn't the appropriate way to deal with it.

Unfortunately from reading some of these replies it's women that are advocating this is what the answer is...

But...when someone posts asking why, some, men are just awful/violent/general dicks its also women that post in their droves it's because of xyz...

It starts while young..

Children need proper parenting.
Boys need to be shown how to Father.
Girls need to be shown how to Mother.
Without either we get kids that grow to think bad behaviour/ violence is the answer.
Parents should be showing their DC how they pull together and read from the same page.

I would think it would be very difficult, if not impossible, to help a 14 year old capable of such brutality to ‘turn things round’. The damage would run too deep.

No offence, but people like you are the problem.

‘He started shouting and swearing at me - then he punched me in the stomach. I’m very sad and horrified to say, I smacked his face in a reactive moment.’

14yo slap bang in the middle of hormonal onslaught? Maybe so, BUT this does not excuse or minimise that he verbally abused you & most important of all he physically attacked you. This behaviour would not be tolerated at his home , certainly not at school nor in other environments e.g. sports, Scouts etc. You reacted by slapping him as a reflexive defence & quite rightly you apologised. Ideally you would have not reacted as you did but it was sudden, unexpected & a physical blow - you were not wrong but understandably have regret.

This a parent problem, his parents not you.

Certainly send him a birthday card, it would not help to not acknowledge his birthday. Also a generic gift voucher for a modest sum as a token gift if you can bear it. Emphasis on token rather than gift.

Were he my nephew - same age, same backchat- I would try to channel my irritation & shock at his behaviour into a determination to discuss this directly with his parents.

Both you & your GS have ripped at the familial trust between you. You both can overcome this by the whole family paying attention & relaying boundaries.
This is episode should not be glossed over.

Don't be so pathetic.

@greenpolarbear of course she reacted instinctively she got punched in the stomach, are you saying you'd take the beating and just calmly ask him not to do it again?

'Yes, because he’s not a fully developed adult yet and while the responsibility rests with his parents I would feel some responsibility to influence him. Do you think family should cut teenagers off if their behaviour is so out of order or should try a mixture of discipline and understanding to try to help them turn things round?'

Understanding? Understanding?
'Yes, darling, I understand why you thumped Granny' Really? I could never understand that!
'Yes darling Grandson, I understand that you felt the need to punch me in the stomach, now, let me influence you...'
He may not be an adult, but didn't you know at 14, that you do not punch your Granny in the stomach? I knew. Wouldn't have crossed my mind to do that.
He knew.

You don't cut him off from the family, but you let him know that he committed a criminal act, and that any further transgression will be reported.

The "appropriate response" assuming you mean non violent response would be to call the police and get him done for assault, but I take this also would have been "too harsh" on the teen for the ones that are victim blaming in this post.

I'm more optimistic at 14 but agree it would take a lot of careful work and there's no guarantee of turning things around. Some 14 year olds are very immature and very damaged and do change. As a grandparent I wouldn't want to give up on him yet.
I don't agree with Cicciabella at all but I don't agree with referring to him as a "violent man" at this stage.

What kind of lesson do you think it learned when you can physically assault someone and then just sit back and have everyone move on from it and still have your victim buy you presents? What a power trip that is. This is actually why a lot of men hate women. They see women as weak and pathetic, and when their victims accept being treated badly, it just enforces their beliefs. Hence their disgust, hatred and zero respect.

This person would have been in the world of work a few years ago.