Fall out with Grandson

[LadySmurf]

Recently I was asked to look after my two grandsons 14 & 8. The 14yo can be a handful with his behaviour and language, but we had a lovely time together, I took them out for the day and they wanted to sleep over. The next morning, 14yo was stroppy and swearing - I asked him to stop and not talk like that. The 8yo said “Mum said if you’re naughty they’ll take away your Xbox for a week” well it was like a red rag. He started shouting and swearing at me - then he punched me in the stomach. I’m very sad and horrified to say, I smacked his face in a reactive moment. When his parents came, I explained what happened and said sorry to him. They said he would apologise the next day - but nothing.
They took him home and now a month on, I’ve not had any contact with him, only the rest of the family.
I saw him yesterday when I visited their house. I said hello and asked how he was? He ignored me and told his brother he hates me.
Its his birthday next week - I don’t feel like giving him a gift. should I still? AIBU?

'I think give a gift but at some stage sit him down alone and explain that punching people and shouting and swearing is not good, ask for an apology and then give a big hug when he does apologise and then let that be an end to it.'

Were he 2, this would be the answer.

Well said.

Didn't you read the bit where HE punched her in the stomach first!!!

You haven’t at one point addressed his behaviour-he is 14 not 8
Of course no one should slap a teenagers face but it can be a reaction to fear
The op obviously feels bad and upset about the situation with her grandson and wants to make amends and yet you have just put the boot in further

I feel like I need to reply to this again. You do know that it's ok to not put up with violence against you don't you? Even if it is a family member. OP would have every right to never see him again if she so wished.

The OP knows that slapping him wasn't great - she acknowledged and apologised for it. It wasn't a thought through action, but an instinctive reaction to being physically assaulted by someone likely of a similar or larger size and likely stronger.

What have the parents said since this happened? As you can see from posters on here, there will be some "nobody hits my child and gets away with it". Which I have sympathy for. But had my 14 year old (6 foot tall and 10 stone) punched my MIL (5 foot 4 and 7 1/2 stone) her slapping him would not be what I was angry about.

I don't know what I would advise you to do now as it feels such a bonkers situation. It does feel like the kind of thing that could be the start of a complete relationship breakdown. Which I am sure you want to avoid. However I would not be buying gifts for someone who punched me, showed no remorse and said he hated me. Do you have any other adult children or a partner who can speak to your son/daughter to try and understand their perspective? How was your relationship previously as you have mentioned the 14 year old being difficult?

I do wonder where some people think abusive men come from. They don't just wake up at 25 and decide they'll start hitting women.

Fuck me some of these comments leave me completely lost for words!
having a 14 year old son who is the size of some men, I can honestly see how utterly terrifying it must have been to have him punch you in the stomach op.
You reacted involuntarily and I’m sure it’s eating you up but you cannot change it.
He would not be getting a present, he would be getting arrested for assault.

Some of these people are on another planet !! He punched his grandmother in the stomach and she's to talk to him calmly ??!! Away to feck!??
That's outrageous and and needs high high level addressing in the family.
No bloody presents for a start and his parents need to deal with this strongly.
Jesus, you poor woman . I hope you are ok. I'd keep my distance or never be alone with him until this was resolved.

Please tell me you are being ironic 🙄

He has clearly told his parents a different story. That explains why they haven’t brought it up with you.
I would book a time to meet with your daughter and her husband when the son is not around and explain exactly what happened what he did what you did you have apologised he clearly has not. Yours was a gut reaction to pain.

I know where all the abused and beaten women are going wrong now.
They should just simply apologise to the blokes who beat them and buy him a nice present.
That way, he will learn his lesson and never raise his hand again.
Apparently!!

I have three sons, we have had some extremely challenging times and not once has one ever raised his hand to me. The eldest is 20. Two are in SEN schools. The eldest was a persistent school refuser so we have seen some real shitty times.

Either we are weird or this is very unusual behaviour from the grandson.

My dd had pda and suprise she has never hit me either and she has a temper like no other.

Exactly. A 2 year old, a 4 year old this would be how to address it. A 6 or 8 year old I would expect them to show remorse and for there to have been a suitable punishment. I highly doubt the OP would have reacted with the slap had it been a young or small child.

A 14 year punching an adult (particularly an older woman) should fully well expect serious consequences. A slap round the face being the least of them.

The horrible little prick punched you in the stomach. That is utterly unforgivable. You reacted and smacked him. The very least he deserved. What consequences did he face form his parents?!

I assume you called the parents straightaway and told them he punched you in the stomach? What was their response?

I would have dragged my DS out the house by his ear if he'd done this to his Grandmother. Jesus OP. You should not be the one apologising for this. His parents should be ashamed if they haven't addressed this. Your reaction after being punched was completely human and understandable. I would however, be keen to keep lines of communication open with the family and your Grandson so would organise a gift as normal. And he doesn't really hate you.

I despair. I really do.

All the time we have WOMEN telling us to let it go, not retaliate (physically or legally) to be the bigger person, that he didn't mean it, that every thump means he loves you really, that it is OK for a male to lay his hands on you in anger, as long as you explain the error of his ways, we will never be free of this shit.

You apologists, you 'gentle parents', you are the problem.
He might have a shred of an excuse if he has been badly parented, you have no excuse for spouting your idiocy on here.

Do you think he gives a toss about explanations? How long you talk to him? How sweet and supportive you are about it? Wether he gets a birthday present from OP?
He's not bothered. Do something that will bother him.
HE THUMPED HIS GRANNY!
(Hope he didn't hurt his poor little hand - perhaps some of you gentle people will check that for me?)

he would have ended up in Borstal correction unit back in the day 🙄
to sort him out,

He could well be on his way to become a crim in the slammer sooner or later,

I bet he wouldn't try that kind of shit out on a teenager same age as him or a bigger build on him,

He is total disgrace !

I haven’t had time to RTFT, but in 12 years of very regular MNing @Cicciabella ‘s post was by far the stupidest thing I’ve ever read on here; and I’ve encountered some bloody stupid things on MN!

You'd be surprised.

The 14/15 yr old boy who punched me and two of my colleagues was reported the police. Somehow, they "lost the statements" but still managed to have him referred to SACRO.

A gentleman from SACRO phoned me at work. He explained that the boy had been the victim of a homophobic attack (Nope! He chased another boy into my room and started to beat him up.) and that I'd 'got in the way.' (Nope. I was standing well back - I was waiting to take a second pregnancy test, since my first had been inconclusive - thought I had maybe just seen an evaporation line.)

The boy was "sorry" and wanted a "restorative conversation". I refused.

A few years later, as an adult who had just returned to the are, he was boasting about punching me in the stomach. I found out because a couple of girls in my class asked whether I remembered X and was it true that he'd punched me in the stomach? They found it amusing.

Are you deranged?

You beat me too it. They need to bring back Borstal instead of treating these youths like misunderstood Teddy bears.
As a child, my mother used to threaten me with Borstal. I didn't know what it was but I didn't like the sound of it 😄

I have not read all the comments. I think it is shocking someone would punch their nan, even most criminals and murderers wouldn't attack their parent/grandparent.

Are you serious? What is the appropriate response to someone punching you in the stomach? The gran would have been in shock?