Fall out with Grandson

[LadySmurf]

Recently I was asked to look after my two grandsons 14 & 8. The 14yo can be a handful with his behaviour and language, but we had a lovely time together, I took them out for the day and they wanted to sleep over. The next morning, 14yo was stroppy and swearing - I asked him to stop and not talk like that. The 8yo said “Mum said if you’re naughty they’ll take away your Xbox for a week” well it was like a red rag. He started shouting and swearing at me - then he punched me in the stomach. I’m very sad and horrified to say, I smacked his face in a reactive moment. When his parents came, I explained what happened and said sorry to him. They said he would apologise the next day - but nothing.
They took him home and now a month on, I’ve not had any contact with him, only the rest of the family.
I saw him yesterday when I visited their house. I said hello and asked how he was? He ignored me and told his brother he hates me.
Its his birthday next week - I don’t feel like giving him a gift. should I still? AIBU?

Unconditional love is responsible for much of what's wrong with the world. Love should always be conditional on being a decent human being.

@Despair1

When the young man said he hates his grandma, that is likely to mean love. Love and hate are closely connected.

This is straight of the abusers handbook I'm afraid.

Abusers and apologists have trotted this one out for decades and decades.

A dangerous phrase that is one of many reasons people end up in toxic, often abusive relationships.

The serious issue here is him punching his Nan not wether an apology is the issue , I said he was wrong and advised getting him help to stop his violence escalating . The adult in this case hit him back and regretted it , surely it’s better to show him she hit back but as the maturer adult was big enough to apologize as violence is not the way to react and have the same expectation from him .

"scorched-earth dire consequences"

precisely - anything less is really sh*tty parenting!

This young man needs unconditional love, very difficult stage of life. I am not condoning what he did but the behaviour issues need to be addressed in the longer term by his parents. And yes, you do need to buy him a birthday present!

In case anyone has ever wondered why some men feel entitled to be violent and physically abusive, here it is.
Teenage boys have or are developing the strength of adult men - not teaching them how completely unacceptable random violence is, is actually dangerous. You are creating monsters.

Teaching him that if you physically assault someone, they will still buy you a present if they really love you, is such a dangerous precedent to set to a boy of his age especially.

This. No wonder so many men feel entitled to no consequences for their actions. The apologies - and pandering to their shit, violent behaviour - start early.

He punched you in the stomach??? I do think you were correct to apologise to him for slapping in retaliation - it wasn't the appropriate reaction and actually apologising was modelling good behaviour. The fact that he didn't apologise to you is shocking. I think further apologies/pussyfooting around him is going to make him (the male who punched his grandmother in the stomach) feel as if he was the wronged party or somehow justified. I also wouldn't want someone like that around me in the future unless they had shown remorse and that it wouldn't happen again.
And 14 year olds aren't adults. I truly believe a 14 year old boy could behave terribly and grow up to be a decent adult - him punching you doesn't put him beyond redemption for life. But he is highly unlikely to grow up to be a better person if he's allowed to skulk about and be unpleasant to the (older female) person he assaulted without a shred of remorse.

I'm sorry but if he is big enough to Punch his nan in the stomach he is big enough to get a slap. And to say a slap is getting of lightly. If any of my kids laid a hand on either grandparents they would be saying sorry for ever and they would have nothing in there room but a bed and clothes for a very long time..

Have you ever been punched in the stomach by a teenage boy? I have.

At work one time, a boy I didn't even teach thought that it would be amusing to punch me in the stomach. He would have been 14/15. Painful and traumatising. (Also caused a miscarriage.)

Your only take from the OP's situation is that the grandparent should apologise?

The violent little thug didn't punch her again, did he?

It may have been a reactive slap, but it probably made him think twice.

'This young man needs unconditional love, very difficult stage of life. I am not condoning what he did but the behaviour issues need to be addressed in the longer term by his parents. And yes, you do need to buy him a birthday present!'

And another one of - well, I don't know what to call these smothering idiots.

'I love you darling, even though you punched me in the stomach - here's a nice present for you...'

We have all been 14. My brothers were 14.

Difficult little buggers! But to lay hands on me, or another woman, never, well not since we were 7, and that was usually me doing the hitting, and them doing the fending off.

That's what he'll tell his girlfriend too when he knocks lumps out of her. I did it because I love you. Fuck off.

What do you think he would learn from the grandmother not acknowledging his birthday and continuing to ignore him. I guess he would just shrug his shoulders but if she points out that his behaviour was shocking yet she still cares about him he may feel some appropriate sense of shame. As a grandparent she’s slightly removed from managing this. His parents have a difficult task trying to get him off a very negative trajectory

It all starts with 'it is normal for toddlers to have tantrums', 'it is normal for teenagers to be stroppy' and 'you can't smack to discipline'. So glad I never listened to this nonsense.

Did i read that correctly, OP should give her grandson who punched her in the stomach 'a gift' to appease him? Honestly, this is a big part of why there is so much vile behaviour in schools. Parents do not know how to parent anymore, discipline has become a by word.

She had no way of knowing that.

The 14/15 yr old who punched me in the stomach went on to punch the two male teachers who came to my assistance. They had not laid hands on him.

@Anonymouseposter

What do you think he would learn from the grandmother not acknowledging his birthday and continuing to ignore him.

What would he learn? That if you assault someone and don't apologise, the are unlikely to buy you a present.

It's a natural consequence and those are vital to children's development.

I guess he would just shrug his shoulders but if she points out that his behaviour was shocking yet she still cares about him he may feel some appropriate sense of shame.

She doesn't need to buy him a gift to show him she still cares about him. He doesn't need to be taught that people show their love through gifts only.

She apologised for slapping him, despite it being an instant, visceral reaction to being assaulted. He did not apologise for assaulting her.

She said hello and asked him how he was. He ignored her and said to another family member he hates her.

Do you honestly think that her buying a gift is appropriate considering the above?

It's setting a dangerous precedent to any teenage boy (or girl). Even if you assault someone, and don't say sorry, and ignore them, they should buy you a present if they really love you.

Bollocks.

It wouldn’t be sending money for punching me, it would be acknowledging his birthday despite him punching me and also pointing out that his behaviour was shocking and could get him in trouble with the police. Perhaps she could also say if it ever occurs again she will not hit him but will report the assault. Btw , if my teenaged grandson punched me I think I would be seriously injured.I’m over 70 and he’s much stronger than me.

We teach children from when they are tiny that they shouldn't hit others. If a 14-year-old doesn't know that he shouldn't punch his grandmother, then something has gone very wrong in his upbringing.

His violence has already escalated.

And people like you are the reason that male violence continues.

This.

When I was hurt at work, the perpetrator proceeded to punch the two men who came to my assistance. He was having fun.

(He later claimed that he was a victim.)

You were violently attacked in your own home in front of an impressionable small child.

I don't think gift giving would be top of my priority.

I think I would have contacted the parents and demand they collect their children because you're considering taking the incident to the police.

And the smack? You were in shock and defending yourself.

When the young man said he hates his grandma, that is likely to mean love. Love and hate are closely connected.

I suppose a punch in the stomach is the same as a hug then?

You really need to ask that? Uh maybe he would learn that people won't put up with his violent behaviour family or not. I can't believe that needs to be said.

Also, it's not up to the OP to sort him out. His parents need to do their job. It looks like they're too late though, this needs serious intervention but they clearly can't be arsed seeing as he's already snubbed OP and he'll likely have his hands out now looking for presents. Absolutely outrageous behavious.