Fall out with Grandson

[LadySmurf]

Recently I was asked to look after my two grandsons 14 & 8. The 14yo can be a handful with his behaviour and language, but we had a lovely time together, I took them out for the day and they wanted to sleep over. The next morning, 14yo was stroppy and swearing - I asked him to stop and not talk like that. The 8yo said “Mum said if you’re naughty they’ll take away your Xbox for a week” well it was like a red rag. He started shouting and swearing at me - then he punched me in the stomach. I’m very sad and horrified to say, I smacked his face in a reactive moment. When his parents came, I explained what happened and said sorry to him. They said he would apologise the next day - but nothing.
They took him home and now a month on, I’ve not had any contact with him, only the rest of the family.
I saw him yesterday when I visited their house. I said hello and asked how he was? He ignored me and told his brother he hates me.
Its his birthday next week - I don’t feel like giving him a gift. should I still? AIBU?

I don't think that last bit is the threat you think it is.

Your responses in this thread have shown what kind of parent you are, and it would be a mighty relief to be banned from seeing the little thug you have raised.

All of this "be kind, be understanding, be the adult" bollocks is why we end up with an epidemic of men who are irresponsible, self-centered, have poor impulse control, not accountable, lazy and entitled.

The teen and his family should be crawling to the OP for forgiveness. Not being rewarded with cards, gifts, offers of outing and "kindness."

I’m a gran and this is what I would do. I would send a card and a gift voucher for £25. I would put a separate letter in an envelope in the card. Dear Grandson. I am very sorry that we have fallen out. I should not have lost my temper and hit you. I reacted without time to think because I was so shocked that you had punched an older woman and sworn at me. You are a young man now and if you go around punching people who are not attacking you, you will soon be in serious trouble with the police. This is the last thing I want as I’m your Gran and I care about you. I hope we can put this behind us now and we can both learn from it. Have a happy birthday, Granny. He does sound very aggressive but he’s young and I would wonder if something is behind the horrible behaviour. Ultimately it’s up to his parents to deal with and there isn’t much you can do but I would want to try to mend things and hope his behaviour improves as he matures.

Are you actually serious?! We should go around letting people punch us because we might upset their feelings? Diddums!! Behave 🙄

OP - I'd have slapped him as well so you're not the only one! Its an instinctive reaction and if he's big enough to punch you at 14 years old then he's big enough to know that his actions have consequences, that's why he doesn't like you now. Instead of facing up to what he did wrong he's fixated on your reaction to his bad behaviour and the subsequent loss of XBox etc. Let him get on with it frankly and no, I wouldn't be buying him a gift either. This isn't a small thing, he punched a grandparent ffs!

Come on this is a massive reach. He punched his grandparent and she slapped him. If my 14 year old punched me I am sure I would have an urge to retaliate in some way but wouldn’t. To suggest that her action would lead to depression and self harm is blame shifting.

He clearly has an issue with technology and anger, his parents clearly need to work with him on that and stop him playing violent games, or frankly the dam thing at all. Many if the games on those things are addictive and show violence in a positive way.

I would ask his parents to discuss what happened, does he exhibit these behaviours with them? He should be then encouraged to sit down with you to discuss like a young adult. Once it’s done it’s then done but he needs to learn consequences and that this wasn’t ok.

I would stand my ground with his parents, what if he had hurt you? What if he had made you fall and bang your head? What if he does this to his partner as he gets older?

No she didn't lose the moral highground. You didn't answer what you would do. Anyway, never mind. I'm not interested in hearing yet another male excusing male violence against women.

Please don't do this OP. He will learn absolutely nothing from it. It would basically just be rewarding and placating him for attacking you.

Crikey my 13yo boxes for fun and he can throw a punch, I can’t even hold the pads when he’s doing practice. If he punched me I’d be on my arse. I dread to think of the damage a teen can do to someone older.

I think you slapped him in shock / self defence and this was a very understandable reaction.

I’d talk to family and make it clear that my door was open when he was ready to apologise but in the meant you’ll be taking a step back until he feels ready to talk.

Sarcasm, I hope?

Having said that there’s something fishy about the op too. The post is too calm to be for real imo. ‘My teenage grandson punched me in the stomach should I give him a gift?’ 🤔

Either this is made up or there are some serious generational violence problems in this family for it to be minimised like this.

As a grandmother if this happened to me I’d be too devasted to post about it and would have called the police and pressed charges, not asked him how he is and wondered whether to give him a birthday present.

I would absolutely mortified if one of my sons punched his grandmother. What a horrible thing to do. I sincerely hope his parents have h8m in therapy because that is not normal or acceptable behaviour. Did they tell you what punishment he received?

I'm sorry OP but I wouldn't be giving him a present either. He's 14 not 4, he completely crossed the line when he punched you and tbh, it feels like everyone is minimising this. Even the title of your post is misleading, you haven't fallen out with your grandson, he assaulted you. The fact that his parents have not made him apologise, and apparently not punished him either, speaks volumes. He may well be dealing with other issues - I would bet money on it - but punching you in the stomach is completely unacceptable and inexcusable.

I’m a gran and this is what I would do. I would send a card and a gift voucher for £25. I would put a separate letter in an envelope in the card. Dear Grandson. I am very sorry that we have fallen out. I should not have lost my temper and hit you. I reacted without time to think because I was so shocked that you had punched an older woman and sworn at me. You are a young man now and if you go around punching people who are not attacking you, you will soon be in serious trouble with the police. This is the last thing I want as I’m your Gran and I care about you. I hope we can put this behind us now and we can both learn from it. Have a happy birthday, Granny

This is terible advice. He's not far off an age where he might have a girlfriend, the message about using violence is absolutely vital and that message will not land with a gift voucher and grovelling from the older woman he has assaulted.

Can't believe he wasn't made to apologise straight away by his parents.

I wouldn't be going to the house when he's there as I wouldn't feel safe.

Last time you saw him he ignored you & told his brother that he hates you.

I wouldn't be giving a gift.

I think he deserved that slap.
Rotten child to even think of punching his grandmother. But given the amount of apologists on here, no wonder so many children are so vile today.
Op don't go chasing after him.

@ByPeachSeal You don’t seem to understand. She didn’t need to defend herself. She reacted because she was angry, not because she needed to defend herself.

And how was she supposed to KNOW it was only going to be one punch? How was she supposed to know he wasn't going to keep on hitting her more??

Have you ever been in a proper fight with a full grown male? Known the fear of someone taller and stronger than you starting to attack you? It's terrifying and I don't blame her at ALL for a visceral, instinctive slap to ward him off. Who knows, maybe if she hadn't done that, he WOULD have kept punching her!! You can't say he wouldn't!

Wow this must be a joke. Sending him money for punching you. No wonder teens today are earning the title of being vile. And these rotten children grow up becoming adults who think the world owes them something. You can have a chat with your GC without bribing him.

Exactly, he's already a vile child. At 14 no one is changing him. If his immediate reaction wasn't remorse and crying in shock with his reaction, then it's already too late for him.

He was out of order and I would be very concerned that he’s seen this violence against his mother in his own home! You reacted badly hitting him back but I can understand you reacted badly .
I would try to talk to him and apologize to him for hitting you , he won’t apologize to you probably but may in time .His parents should seek advice maybe on coping with violent behavior and get him some help before this escalates .

This is bonkers. The OP reacted to violence and while she should have been calmer, it is not her fault to protect herself against violence from a 14 year old male. She has apologised while the teen hasnt and has indulged in self-pity and blaming others. His behaviour is totally unacceptable.

Absolutely this ^^

Utter nonsense that you were told he would apologise the next day. Not that my children would have behaved like this but if they had they would have told to apologise then, send a card and use pocket money to send flowers.

Buy a gift but maybe not as much as you would normally spend if that sits better with you.

He's nearly a man, and he PUNCHED an older woman - HIS NAN, in the stomach!!!

No more apologising for the slap. He bloody well deserved it, it was an instinctive defensive reaction to an act of violence that I imagine was probably painful as well as frightening, and he would have got a lot worse if he'd done it to another boy at school. You apologised once, rightly, but now it's his turn. Or rather, his parents' turn to kick his arse into gear.

I knew some right wasters and scallies when I was at school, but I can't think of anyone I know of who punched their nan.

Slapping or hitting someone can be an instinctive self protection action to being PUNCHED

It's totally understandable that an unexpected punch yo the gut would illicit an immediate safety reaction.

WTAF. You're telling me that if you were punched you would not have reacted in any way?

Giving him a slap is not "family neglect" it is a consequence of punching someone without warning.

OP, you reacted as a lot of people would have done in the same circumstances and then apologised to your grandson for that reaction, you have done nothing wrong here.

I would let your grandson know that you love him but really dislike his behaviour.

He's currently sulking because he didn't think you would react the way that you did and on top of that he then got into trouble with his parents (Hopefully). What you have taught him is that actions have consequences.

It would probably kill me to do it, but I would now try to continue as normal and be the bigger person. Send him a birthday card and gift, treat him as you always would. He made a mistake and should not be punished indefinitely for it.