Fall out with Grandson

[LadySmurf]

Recently I was asked to look after my two grandsons 14 & 8. The 14yo can be a handful with his behaviour and language, but we had a lovely time together, I took them out for the day and they wanted to sleep over. The next morning, 14yo was stroppy and swearing - I asked him to stop and not talk like that. The 8yo said “Mum said if you’re naughty they’ll take away your Xbox for a week” well it was like a red rag. He started shouting and swearing at me - then he punched me in the stomach. I’m very sad and horrified to say, I smacked his face in a reactive moment. When his parents came, I explained what happened and said sorry to him. They said he would apologise the next day - but nothing.
They took him home and now a month on, I’ve not had any contact with him, only the rest of the family.
I saw him yesterday when I visited their house. I said hello and asked how he was? He ignored me and told his brother he hates me.
Its his birthday next week - I don’t feel like giving him a gift. should I still? AIBU?

He is a troubled teen and OP is a grown woman. While I understand that in the shock of the moment, a slap back would be the first impluse, it really shouldn't have happened. I'm not saying I might not have done the same, but I would have deeply regretted it.

Regardless of his behaviour which should have resulted in sanctions applied by his parents, I feel it is very wrong to deprive him of a birthday present. He is still a child, still deserving of love and birthday presents should be unconditional, since they are an expression of love / care.

Prioritise relationship over behaviour. A struggling teen needs to know his family are still there for him.

A struggling teen needs to know that violence has consequences.

What the hell have I just read. If this is real, and I really hope it's not, I'd not be getting him a gift, and I'd be telling his parents he needs to apologise in writing before we'd have contact again. He sounds like he's on his way to becoming an unhinged and violent man. He needs at least one person (you) to send the message to him that this behaviour is absolutely unacceptable.

Violence shouldn't be met with violence though. That's how wars start and gangs develop.

Concern, support, and discussion of boundaries will work where rejection and anger never will. No parenting expert would suggest most of what posters are saying on here. Alienation leads to increased alienation and resentment.

This is a truly shocking post. Please do not acknowledge his birthday but do have it out with his parents. What on earth possesses a 14 year old to punch his grandmother??

Any normal parent would be horrified if their child behaved in this way and would be questioning their parenting. Makes me wonder what is going on at home.

Oh and "Mum said if you’re naughty they’ll take away your Xbox for a week”.

If that induced that reaction from my child, he wouldn't see the Xbox for a month minimum. I'd question 1) how addicted he is and 2) what he is playing on it to solicit such a violent response.

The number of parents who think playing shooting games for 3 hours every day is fine is absolutely nuts.

He is old enough to be charged with assault, old enough to know what he’s doing and that it’s not acceptable. There may be underlying issues that need addressing and he may need help and support to manage his emotions, but that doesn’t take away from the fact that what he did was wrong. He’s 4 years away from being an adult- what excuses would you make for him then?

Jeez that is terrible news. No wonder schools have such issues.

So don't apologise then! If you're not sorry then don't apologise. Don't apologise and then when they don't accept then withhold a birthday gift.

It sounds like OP hasn't actually approached the parents or the child again and is just being passive aggressive. Say it to them instead.

Can you tell me why the OP should accept NOT getting an apology but she should apologise to him? Explain your thinking behind this. Are you a man?

Because this is being an adult. You can apologise for your own behaviour without accepting someone else's bad behaviour.

Do you only admit wrongdoing if the other person does too?

Troubled teen my arse, he's an entitled little brat who needs a taste of his own medicine. Strange isn't it that when parents weren't frowned upon for instilling some discipline and manners into their children, there were no gangs of feral children roaming the streets kicking old ladies, children didn't carry knives, children murdering children was rarely hears of. Now it's an almost daily occurrence.
If I had punched my granny (or anyone else) in the stomach, I would have been battered from here to Kingdom Come and back again, and so would any of my kids if they tried it.
But we never would do anything like that because we knew precisely what the consequences would be !!

Hitting back might have been the best thing to do, OP. Otherwise what would be the message this almost-adult is getting - that if you hit a woman there is literally 0 consequences and she'll never defend herself? I can't believe the parents in this situation, utterly horrific if they're just letting this slide.

From one gran to another, yes, buy him a present….
get him a punch bag!

to @Cicciabella with all due respect, away an bile yer heid!

I really cannot believe the people telling the op she is in the wrong here!
'Lost the moral high ground' Keep the peace, don't cause a rift... What was she supposed to do? Tell him he's a naughty boy? Turn the other cheek? He's 14, not 4!

The slap was a response to physical violence against her. She did not randomly clout him.
I doubt he would punch another lad in the stomach (perhaps he saves his violence for older women) but if he did, he runs the risk of becoming another teen death statistic.
His parents should be stepping in, and in a way that leaves no doubt in his mind that he is very much in the wrong. He will get bigger and stronger.

The OP apologised for the slap because she knows violence is wrong. Her grandson didn't.

Parenting experts are for parents because parents are responsible for their children. No one else is responsible for this troubled teen, nor are they obligated to put up with violent behaviour. The OP has every right to reject him if she wants. His behaviour is not hers to solve.

A 14yo boy punching anyone in the stomach in anger is a really dangerous ticking time bomb.

The fact that you are an 50/60+ woman (presumably if you are the granny) rather than another 14yo boy makes it even worse.

It’s hard to know what to do. He needs serious help - that said, it’s possibly too late. He is already a violent criminal.

Love might be unconditional but the giving of presents and cards is not. Shame you didn't knee the thug in the groin.

Omg. Have you got children? You would reward them for punching their gran? I'll tell you what would have happened in my family back in the day if my nephew or my son had even bloody dared to THINK they could punch my mother and then act without remorse.

My brothers and older nephews would have got together and had 'a word in his ear'. I don't mean battered him but a 'nice' word, on his own up against a wall with no escape. The parents would have been on board with this (they'd have to be unless they wanted to be disowned by the entire family). If after this and he even looked the wrong way ever again to my mother, he'd get a 'stronger' word in his ear and probably ignored from that moment on by the whole family.

Give him presents? That infuriates me. It's us that have to live amongst these little bastards/teach them. It's our daughters they're going to be violent against. Sort yourself out.

This is horrifying!!

If he'd been full of remorse and hadn't blanked you when you spoke to him the next time you saw him then yes a present but given he hasn't apologised and he's then been rude to you again I'd not bother. I'd send a card but nothing more.

What have his parents said? Has he been punished?

I'd be absolutely horrified if my fourteen year old punched anyone in the stomach, but their own grandparent is even more awful. 😔

Are you joking?

I would NEVER apologise to anyone who was violent against me. He's 14. Stop making excuses for violent males.

I think a slap back in this type of situation is an involuntary reaction. You didn’t even have time to think about it and it must have been such a shock to be suddenly punched by your grandson.

I have a family member who can be very aggressive and this has happened to them on several occasions i.e. they have hit someone unprovoked and they have been hit back, sometimes by trained support workers or carers. Knowing all the people involved, I do not blame the adults in the slightest for reacting like that in the moment.

Immature teenagers often won’t apologize but maybe as he matures he will realize he was totally out of order punching his Nan and regret his behavior , a fake apology is meaningless! And no I’m not a man 😂and as I said previously this boy needs help before his violence escalates.

Take his X box away - yes if he is 8, and he stuck his tongue out at her, or was rude.
A thuggish teen who hits a woman, especially an older woman, needs police intervention.